Consumer Warning: Dear God, What Is Happening To My Underarms!?

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I am really not that particular when it comes to beauty/personal care products. In general, whatever works at as cheap a price as possible usually does quite nicely for me.

However, with all the investigative confusion over whether or not aluminum in antiperspirants causes breast cancer, I decided to give a deodorant without the metallic stuff a try.

At around $4, which is more than I'd ever spent on underarm paraphernalia before, I sprung for this Tom's of Maine aluminum free deodorant. I got the lavender scent; usually I avoid lavender because it tends to be too strong and give me a headache within minutes, but this scent was like a gentle lavender breeze.

Here is where we get to the kicker. You see that sticker on top that says 24 Hour Odor Protection? Well, let me tell you to take the good folks at Tom's of Maine completely seriously. I have found that at exactly the 24 hour mark after applying something radical happens: your pits become deeply, deeply funky.

I know that sounds self-explanatory, but it's not. See, it isn't as though the deodorant fades away, leaving your body to it's own odoriferous devices. Oh, no. That's too easy. This stuff? It actually turns bad on you. Meaning, if you compare this scent at 25 hours with your usual scent after a hard workout, you will smell different and far, far and beyond worse.

Never in all my post-pubescent life, you guys. Clearly I should have looked at some reviews first. Once I finish this tube, I will be going back to Secret forever and ever, amen.

Consumer Warning: Useless Brassieres!

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You know, we really should have known better. And by 'we' I mean me and about half of the women in my immediate family.

Imagine the scene: It was after midnight on a steamy Monday morning it late July. We all knew we should be heading for sleepy time, but decided to take one last click around the TV dial before lights out. What did we find? A segment on HSN promising a four-pack of comfortable yet supportive bras for even the biggest busted of us: the Ahh Bra. Oh, my. We are awake now.

I called my mom. What? Why did I call my mom? Because I wear a 40DD. Do you know how hard it is to find a bra that'll hoist my ladies appropriately and still feel all-day-long comfy? I'll tell you: IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I needed to see if she saw it too, or if it was just a late night/early morning mirage; this magical bazoom master. PT saw it, and she was, like me, enthused but leery. After an hour of watching HSN models of varying bustage parading in front of us, we broke down. I went to my laptop and ordered a pack for each of us.

A week later, I had the much-lauded mammary manager in my hot little hands. And you know what? They were extremely comfortable and it was impossible to tell I was wearing a bra without looking down. Also? If you were looking at me, you wouldn't have been able to tell I was wearing a bra either, since my nipples still pointed south as I wore the thing.

I took PT her set to see what she thought, having already decided to return mine. The results were even worse for my poor mom: the bras smashed her boobies into a lumpy uni-boob.

And with that, WE WERE DONE!

So, lesson learned, my people! We listened to all those rabid fans who called in that night and paid no attention to the customer rating on the HSN website, which is only 2.4 stars out of five. Reading the reviews I can see the Ahh Bra is either love it or hate it. And while we didn't hate it we didn't love that shit either. I've already got plenty of bras that feel good but don't hold worth a damn. I don't need to spend 50 bucks on more of those.

Has anyone out there found a good, comfortable bra?