Tuesday Tipday: How To Be A Dick

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It's fairly easy to be beloved by all. I mean, aren't there enough tomes teaching us how to click with others or win friends and influence people?

If you really want to be original, you need to be daring. And if you want to be daring? Be a dick. Here's how.

How To Be A Dick

1) You are the most special of special people. Don't let anyone forget it. Especially people who've never met you before.

2) There's nothing wrong with interrupting people to correct their supposed knowledge in front of others. How else will they learn?

3) Why do people try to talk to you about their problems? How could they not know that your problems are much more problematic? You have so much to teach these plebeians about pain.

4) Small victories are for sissies. When some blow hard is going on about finishing the first chapter of his novel, feel free to feign interest. Gloating is for superstars and that, my friend, is you.

5) Don't return their call. Ever.

6) Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but honesty isn't. So, yeah, she totally looks fat in that and you can't be afraid to tell her. She shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know.

7) You have wonderful taste. Go ahead and invite folks to dinner at that $100 a plate restaurant you love.

8) No, don't offer to pay for them. Yes, you're basically made of money, But if they couldn't afford the place they should not have come.

9) Yes, they're boring and badly dressed. But you can't deny them the pleasure of your company. You're too good looking and your suit costs too much money for that.

10) Crop-dusting keeps it away from you. What could be more important?

Happy Friday! Courtesy Of Our Friend, Tina Fey

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I told you earlier this week that I was reading Bossypants, right? Well, I finished today. There are lots of good things going all through that book, but I especially enjoyed Fey's names-for-things-no-one-has-yet-named and catchy phrases. In fact, I think several of them would make awesome band names. So...

Imaginary Band Names Via Tina Fey

1) Stunted Brain Cloud
2) Crazy Assache
3) Ball of Fingers!
4) Coordinator of Toddlery
5) The World-wide Parental Anxiety System
6) The Terror Burps
7) Crotch Biscuits (My personal favorite!)

Now! Internet revelry!

1) These stupid folk could learn from these people from back in the day.

2) Positive thinking makes you taller! (Or something like that.)

3) Tired of looking at that box full of jewelry that you got every time your ex needed to apologize for doing something majorly stupid? Get some money for that shit, already.

4) Learn how deepening your understanding of health, sexuality and fashion can make you the bees knees.

That's it for me friends! Enjoy the weekend!!

Again With My Imagination

The mind is king. Or, to be more accurate, my mind is king. In my tiny corner of the world, at least. I may be a partially employed freelance writer/photographer in reality, but my imagination has other ideas. In my mind, I do everything.

I write and produce and star in awesome movies that everyone loves. I create cool TV shows. I offer sage and heavily sought after advice. I give good blog and make money doing it. I photograph things people want on their walls. I'm (at least) bilingual. I can keep my home photogenic but still livable and cook nightly and save gobs of money and travel wildly and splurge on $200 purses once in a while and still pay all our bills on time.

And? And I never gave up all those instruments I used to play. And? And maybe I sing a bit. And? Ok! You got me! Maybe in my head I have yet another life as a glamorous lead singer in a cooler than shit band. Just maybe.

I love naming things. And as such, I've been coming up with band names for years, but never wrote them down until this month. So, just in case I'm ever in a cool band, here are some things we could name ourselves. (Depending, of course, on the nature of the cool-ass music we performed.)

Band Up!

1) Improbable Band Project
2) Dirty Knickers
3) Knuckle Fuck
4) Now & Noon
5) Bum Puppet
6) Sunset Dolls
7) Panty Melt
8) Midget Finger
9) Lesbian Centers of Commerce
10) Rare Bullshit Philosophy

Oh, I've got more, mind you. But, I don't want to give everything away in one shot.

What would you name your awesome-cool band?