Music Monday: Well, Let's Hope I Don't Get Fired

No emergencies here, folks. None at all...

Well, after last Monday's stress-a-thon I finally got paid (right after bitching about it, in fact) and then I went on to relax for a whole day before I started worrying about work.

When my hours got cut I went from being responsible for three company blogs to two. This means that every Friday I am now supposed to turn in two stories, one for each blog. In order to get stories I have to research client events and email them. Then, whether or not I have articles to write depends on if any of those clients get back to me.

Only one person got back to me. Not one for each blog. Just one.

I MISSED A DEADLINE LAST WEEK. FUCK.

On one hand I really feel I did everything I could to email as many contacts as possible. But on the other hand I know it might not matter. My hours got cut, I had two weeks where I got two stories in each week, and then I missed one. Only one client got in touch with me, so I only had one article for one company blog.

I spent the weekend trying not to panic, and did a pretty good job. Today, though? Today I have a headache and feel a bit dizzy. I haven't checked my work email yet and probably won't for at least another hour. I just need to not think about it for a bit longer.

However, I can think about music. Let's go!









There. Now I need the biggest cup of coffee I can get my hands on!

Music Monday: Jesus H. Christ

Just enjoy the kitty cats...Take comfort in the kitty cats...

Ah, life. I hope all of yours are going very well, because over here? Things are kinda shitty.

What is it about bad, sad things? Why do they come in waves and droves faster than you can adjust to one sucky thing? These past couple of weeks are pretty easy to explain, so let me do it by making a list...

Suck-A-Thon 2013

1) That new freelance gig I got at the end of February? Two weeks ago my hours got cut. IN HALF. And I was already working part-time. (-$$$$)

2) The very next day, HUBS' glasses broke. ($$)

3) By the end of the week one of our cats was sick. ($)

4) We exhaust all the cash in the house and one small savings account for bills and living expenses. (-$$)

5) Our cat gets sick again, but this time needs several days in the hospital and a surgery, just completed today. ($$$$$$)

6) I've been happily getting much needed medical tests for over a month. And now, when those bills come in it will be severely nerve-wracking. ($$)

7) My last big check from work should have been here by the 1st. I STILL DON'T HAVE IT AND THEY WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THEY CUT ME A NEW ONE. (-$$$)

What really kicks my ass here? This is our fault, going WAAAAYYYYY back to neither of us saving enough money when we were on our own (with the exception of my now depleted 401K). Back to me not leaving my old job A LOT sooner, leading to an emergency exit that we still have not bounced back from. Back to the depression that makes it really hard to just stick with it and keep going all the time.

So. I literally spent the past 8 hours looking for work. And was able to apply for a whopping three jobs that I'm qualified for which don't involve toilets or garbage. Don't think I'm being picky; I will probably be applying for those by the end of the week.

Why does life kick us when we're down?

I'm trying to be Zen about all this. What do I need to learn from all this? What can I do better? How can I do better?

But, really? I'm just pissed. And nervous. And very unsure about our future.

My skin has broken out and I get queasy several times a day. I'm crying more than I have since starting depression meds and it's hard to sleep.

Well, I'm going to stop talking about this now and play some music.









How do you get through when life keeps kicking you in the teeth?

Music Monday: Decisionary

Like the hot, hot fire in my belly...

I need to go to the doctor. Something has been wrong with me since 2008. For about a year I thought I'd just become more sensitive to food that wasn't prepared well, and was getting frequent bouts of food poisoning.

Then I started paying more attention. About four times a year, HUBS and I would eat the same thing ( I would eat less of it, even) and I would get horribly ill. It always hits either around 2 a.m. or 7 a.m. And?

IT'S VERY, VERY BAD.

It's the kind of ill where you're forced to spend two full hours in the bathroom. The kind of ill where once everything finally stops you're tired and sore for the rest of the day.

I've had several near misses so far this year; where I woke up, thought I was going to be sick, but was able to medicate it away with Rolaids or Tummy Drops. I had another one last night.

I must be allergic to something, but I have no idea what. I've gotten sick eating a wide variety of things: pasta sauce, salsa, BBQ spaghetti, baked un-breaded fish, chicken & dumplings, Mexican food, Arby's (that was last night). It's usually something I've had before and kept down just fine.

I have put this off for way too long, being worried about doctor visit copays and medical test copays. I have to just do this now and hope they find that something easily manageable is wrong with me. (Which I think they will. I mean, if something MAJOR was wrong it would have shown up in other ways after five years...I think.)

Wish me luck.

Happy Friday: It's All In The Wrist

Our formerly rotten bathroom floor...

Is there anything better than whipping your house into shape? Well, OK, sure. Lots of things are better than cleaning house and repairing stuff. But! Taking care of these issues sure is nice.

HUBS and I finally had a sump pump put in our basement so that it won't flood anymore. It'll take us a while to pay that work off, but at least it's DONE.

Since the beginning of the year, we've had insulation added to the attic and basement, the kitchen plumbing replaced, the bathroom floor replaced, the toilet fixed and upgraded and we're about to add an electric outlet in the basement.

Holy shit, we're on a ROLL NOW!

We've also been getting rid of mounds of clothes, shoes, dishes, electronics and various useless household items we've been holding on to for way too long.

It's almost, very slightly, like living in a new house. And that's nice.

What's going on, peeps? Let's see...

1) Autocorrect never fails to fail spectacularly.

2) Want to take better photos? It's really not that hard.

3) If you loved Reading Rainbow and Mister Rogers as a kid, immerse yourself in this & this.

4) Virginia Woolf thinks all writers should keep a journal.

5) If you need help getting motivated to do...anything, while depressed, Psych Central has 12 tips for you.

Oh, yeah! Have a great weekend, everyone!

I Have A Wrinkle

Oh, boy. Here we go...

I know what you're thinking:

Why is this lunatic (You do know I'm a lunatic, right?) worried about one wrinkle? Isn't she almost 40? Fuck her!

Look, I understand how this sounds. It's not like I have NO wrinkles, but they are specific to the faces I make. So, when I laugh the laugh lines appear and when I'm not laughing they go away.

This wrinkle? This wrinkle is threatening to implant itself in my face and stay around no matter what I do with my facial skin.

I don't like this at all.

Why God, whhhyyyyyyy?! I'm too young for permanent face folds!!

The only reason I noticed it, is the giant zit I've had in between my eyebrows for the past week. I'm a little bit OCD, so I simply cannot leave a zit alone. I have to make it go away. Hence, I've been examining my between-brows area in detail for DAYS.

A couple of days ago I saw the weird line. What's that? I thought innocently. I pulled my forehead back, it was still there. I made my face expressionless, it was STILL there. Then I went the other way, I did this:





And there IT was! My permanent scowl/knit eyebrow wrinkle! Yeah! Aging is SO, SO AWESOME!

I mean, what the hell, people? I don't make this face on a regular basis. Maybe when I yawn. Maybe when I sneeze. I'm not doing any of that crap 24/7.

Is this what it's going to be like from now on? Everyday I'll wake up with a new wrinkle that makes no sense for my life, you know, just because?

I've been inundating the area with lotion and mild exfoliating treatments...No dice, y'all. It's STILL FUCKING THERE.

Oh, well. It's AGING or DEATH, right?

Also? Stay out of the sun:

Happy Valentine's Day To Me

I slept until almost noon today. I haven't done that in years, but I had a crappy time last night. So did HUBS, and it was his birthday.

He wanted to build a new computer. We'd done our taxes and were getting a pretty good refund; but there were other pressing issues. The plumbing in our kitchen is shot and we need to pay his property tax from last year. I talked to him about it and told him I didn't like the idea of him spending so much, right now, on a computer when his isn't blown out. And I know his parents talked to him about it.

HUBS is angry. He's angry that he's 42 and can't just buy what he wants he wants to. He's angry that I don't have a job. He's angry that he feels like our whole financial life rests on his shoulders. He's angry that he has a job he basically enjoys, but where they've told him outright that he won't be able to move ahead if he stays there. He's angry that every time he comes close to getting a higher paying gig...he doesn't. All of that makes sense to me.

So last night, instead of enjoying his birthday, he told me how angry he was, is and will be about things until I get a job. It took a few hours. And when he took a break to shower I sat watching Access Hollywood, with a growing headache, and considered just walking out the door and getting into my car and not telling him where I was going or when I was coming back because I didn't know.

I stayed. When he came back into the room I apologized for being a depressed, unemployed and ambition-less loser. I apologized for leaving my job at exactly the wrong economic time, letting the process of applying for and not getting jobs demoralize me and giving up over and over again. I apologized for not knowing how to make working for myself work and for hating whatever office or retail job I might get in the future until I can make real money writing. I apologized for not caring about sex enough to do it when I don't want to and not even trying to find a job for the past seven months.

Then, we went to dinner. We drowned our sorrows in food and booze, and I, for one, felt no better.

I realized this morning, laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, that none of the things I want seem even remotely real or possible for me. For other people, sure. But not me. Whenever I try moving toward those things, I feel good only on the surface. Deep inside, there's a tight ball of tense fear that forms and says This will never happen, but you just keep on keeping on.

I don't feel special enough to have what I want. So, I stop trying and the fear of wanting goes away. I think that's why I sabotage myself so much.

The only way to get through the fear is to feel it and do the things I'm scared of, but I haven't mastered that. At all.

Clearly, I have some things to work on.

What's the scariest thing you've ever done? How did you make yourself do it anyway?

Change Is Hard. Get Over It.

I broke out like gang busters the first two and a half weeks of this year. I made lists and plans and scheduled my days and got an article published on another website.

Then, last Wednesday hit. And I had a little panic attack over all the alerts that kept ringing on my phone telling me I needed to do this, that or the other thing. I managed to work on an essay I want to get published a bit on Friday, but that's been it.

I am in full avoidance mode.

Obviously, this isn't on purpose. I want to still be moving full-steam ahead. Instead, I spent over an hour on Twitter this afternoon. Since I was sick on Monday and had to really fight off a panic attack yesterday, I'm going to give myself a bit of a break on this.

I'll admit it, I almost had a full-on freak out about not getting more done. Luckily, before it took over I realized something:

ALL CHANGES THAT MATTER WILL BE HARD. I WILL FALTER FROM TIME TO TIME. GETTING BACK ON TRACK BY TRYING AGAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

We get so wrapped up (especially around the beginning of the year) in changing, doing, growing and moving that we tend to forget that the biggest part of change is forgiveness of self when we get discouraged and trying to keep going when we don't feel like it.

Why is this so hard to remember? A lot of us make plans for doing things differently, have a setback and then say fuck it and go back to business as usual. At least, I know I do.

I'm working on GETTING UP AGAIN WITHOUT PUTTING MYSELF DOWN FOR FALLING IN THE FIRST PLACE. So should you.

We're only human.

Change is hard.

We'll make mistakes.

Give yourself a break.

Keep trying.

What do you try to keep in mind when you have a setback?

Music Monday: Moving Right Along

I mentioned a few weeks ago how my therapist wanted me to consider going back on medication for my depression. I thought about what she said, that since I've been depressed off and on (mostly on) for over twenty years the root cause is probably a chemical imbalance that lifestyle changes alone won't take care of. She might be right. Lord knows I've had trouble keeping any momentum going even with things I love to do, so I talked to my doctor and started Zoloft Friday.

I had some nausea and dizziness over the weekend, luckily I think that was just my body getting used to it because those symptoms were gone today. It'll take a while for it to really kick in, but I'm hoping that knowing the medicine is there to support me will help me get a move on and keep going. Wish me luck!

Now, let's do some music!

Music Monday: I Will Not Be One Of Those People!

Well, welcome back to everyone who enjoyed a Thanksgiving break last week. Ours was pretty mundane; HUBS, PT and I went off to his parents' house to eat, talk and eat some more. I was surprised my mom came along, she's always invited to their various holiday celebrations, but has only gone once. She found out she would have a four day weekend, though, and it changed her mind.

Remember how I told you about my birthday last week? And how old I was feeling? Well, I've really got a lot of work to do now. I do not want to be one of those old people who takes medicine day and night, spends all their time at the doctor or who looks and feels older than they are. Aside from the birthday, the thing that's brought this on is my stupid sinus infection. I had to get another round of meds from the doctor, know what? If I count the vitamins I take, I know have seven daily rounds of health additives.

Um...I'm only 38! That's too many pills and sprays and gummy chews and oils for someone who's not even fucking 40 yet!

I cannot wait to be over this infection so I can go back to preventative medicine. While that will help me not feel so old, I also need a serious attitude adjustment. I know you're only as old as you feel, so I need to keep my mind and body active enough to slow the atrophying.

I'm declaring it here and now: I REFUSE TO AGE WITHOUT A GLORIOUS, FUN-FILLED FIGHT.


There! Take that, body and bad, depressive attitude!

Now, let's get pumped!









How do you keep feeling young?

Happy Friday! Rest Is A Good Thing

Well, peeps, I'm wiped. I had a big project due Tuesday and it wore me out. I meant to take an hour nap today and ended up sleeping for three.

I'm also having car trouble. I can't get it to start without jumping it, and since the battery is new as of last month, the fear that something major is wrong with it is eating away at me a little. I don't know why...Yes, I do. Lila is the first car I ever bought and I own her outright. She's actually the only thing I fully own that's worth any kind of money. And, considering that she's 15 years old, that's not saying much.

Even though I've been without a car before (in college, for a year after college when neither my mom nor I had a vehicle), I already miss the freedom and being able to get up and go whenever I want.

Oh, well. Such is life, right? Now! Let's see what I found online this week.

1) Did you know that there's now an Oprah channel on Huff Post?

2) Speaking of Oprah, many would consider a love of Oprah related things un-manly. If you need to get your masculine groove back on, The Art Of Manliness is here for you.

3) And, what's more manly than facial hair? The American Mustache Institute has a handy guide to mustache styles. While you're at it? Check out Beard Team USA 2012. Those dudes are no joke...

4) Looking for a new job? Here are 9 things you shouldn't say on your resume, along with a body language guide to tell you if you're tanking the interview.

5) If you're still looking for a way to help Hurricane Sandy relief, Techlicious has a full list of options.

That's all for me, folks. I'll be catching up on your blogs this weekend. Enjoy!

Music Monday: Bait & Switch

Rudy doesn't believe this either.

Well, well, well...Look who's shown up again on a Monday. These continue to be some of the most trying times HUBS and myself have had.

Luckily, my health issues are basically cleared up, and we're experiencing the kind of financial relief that can only be understood by anyone who's been unburdened of several thousands of dollars in debt.

But...

But, HUBS is still pretty bad off. He had an MRI last week and we found out he's got a bulging disk and another disk that about to bulge. He's been in tremendous pain for a full month and nothing has helped him get back to work or fix the problem enough so that he can live normally. Not the physical therapy, or the major pain medication, or the cortisone shot he had last Thursday which was directed right at his bad disks.

Actually, about that shot. The orthopedist told us it should take up to 48 hours for it to kick in and HUBS to experience some relief. He called the doc this morning, since, clearly, that didn't happen. What did the doctor tell him this time? That it could take up to a full week for the cortisone to work.

You know what? If that was the maximum amount of time for him to get back to some semblance of normal, why did he not tell us that before, during or immediately after HUBS got the shot? On top of that, this doctor apparently makes it a policy to never take people off work for injuries like this. So, now HUBS is using sick days to cover his time off, because if the doc won't sign off on staying at home worker's comp won't pay for it.

I SMELL A CONSPIRACY! WORKER'S COMP SENT US TO THIS DOCTOR FOR TREATMENT, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO NOT REMOVE PEOPLE FROM WORK DUTIES. MEANING, HE'S EFFECTIVELY SAVING THE WORKER'S COMP PEOPLE MONEY. REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A GOOD MOVE FOR THE PATIENT TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Yeah, I said it! I'm on to you medical conspiracy fuckers!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest! Let's listen to some music now, I need to calm down...

Heal Thyself!

So, aside from trying to get better and help HUBS get better this past month, I've also been reading a book that was suggested to me by a reader of this blog (Thanks, Jeri!).

The Depression Cure was written by a doctor who created a drug-free program to help people kick their depression symptoms in the ass.

What I love most about the program is that everything is doable, inexpensive or free and based on some pretty simple ideas. Since we tend to close ourselves off from life when we're depressed, we end up making things worse because, guess what? We need to get some exercise, hang out with people, sleep a solid part of the night, go outside and see the sun and do things we enjoy so that we stop dwelling on our problems (perceived and real).

I haven't fully implemented all of his ideas, mostly because there's still a bit of upheaval around these parts, but I am happy about what I've been able to do so far.

1) I'm taking an omega 3 supplement because it's been shown to help with mood.

2) I've been using Breathe Right strips since Friday, and they have greatly helped my ability to sleep through the night. (With the exception of Monday night, when I was up for an hour and 40 minutes dealing with a bout of food poisoning. I'm done with you, Applebee's.)

3) Now that it's cooler outside, I've been spending a lot more time outside in the sun. Not purposely soaking up the sun, but not actively staying to the shadows when I'm outside, either.

4) With all our HUBS medical trips of the past few weeks, I've probably talked to more people this month than I have all summer. Even though doing so much of it was annoying at times, I know it's better than locking myself away in my cat-filled house on a daily basis.

5) I let HUBS talk me into swimming last week. His physical therapist said it would be good for his back and leg, and he found a place with a whirlpool, sauna and steam room to help with my congestion that we could try for free. And, you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was free. We went in the middle of the week at night so hardly anyone was there. The pool was a balmy 84 degrees so it didn't shock to get into or out of. The whirlpool without bubbles was to die for. You have my heart Jewish Community Center. You. Have. My. Heart.

6) I've become completely absorbed in the games on my phone. Ruminating is one thing that will make depression worse every time. I needed to get my mind off things and turned to my neglected game apps. It has worked tremendously. I even had HUBS futz with my phone to give me more storage space so I could add more games. I'm loving the freedom it's giving my brain!

I plan to do more as I feel better. Honestly, I feel like I have some control over my symptoms for the first time in my life. If nothing else, this program works just by giving me hope of being able to beat this thing. Plus, I'll have a nice list of steps I can take to make things better when I start to get down.

If you're battling the blues or full blown depression, I cannot say enough to recommend getting your hands on this book. I really believe it will help.

Do you have any tried and true methods for beating back the blues? I'd love to hear them, so share in the comments!

Happy Friday: Normalcy Is A Tricky Thing

HUBS and I are both sick. I have some sort of sinus infection that I've been battling for a month, while HUBS hurt his back last month and has been in so much pain for the past two weeks that he's been on worker's comp leave for almost the whole time and will likely have at least another week off.

As you might remember, I'm not currently working. But when I do, I work at home. Driving long distances in rush hour traffic are no longer a part of my DNA. HUBS' injury has lead to an amount of (almost) daily driving that has been unprecedented in my life for the past four years.

And, since I'm semi-sleep deprived and completely unused to driving a lot, this has been a difficult time. HUBS is cranky 'cause he's in pain and no one really knows what's causing the pain. I'm cranky 'cause I'm essentially running errands every day and I've been congested for a month and I'm not sleeping enough.

Blah.

I say all this to explain my light posting and attention to all your blogs as of late. I plan to go to the doctor some time next week, which will hopefully cure at least some of my issues and lead to a clearer head and more internet time.

Plus! We do have good news. HUBS' excellently supportive parents have generously relieved us of a tremendous amount of financial responsibility. So, we have some breathing room that we need to plan out lest we end up in a ridiculous amount of money trouble again. Which is causing tiny panic attacks every time I think about it, but I suppose I'll get over that soon.

Enough about my crap! Let's see what I've been missing online...

1) Babies belong to gangs now? I'm horrified...And filled with laughter.

2) Sports fans will likely go nutty over this exhaustive list of every team logo ever. They even cover rugby!

3) Planning a fall trip to Copenhagen but never been abroad before? Here's a great list of all the things you'll need to keep in mind. There are two more parts if you want more help.

4)I've been in a forced foggy-headed internet vacation for most of two weeks, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by online life you shouldn't fear tuning out for a bit. 12 Most gives you some inspiration for shutting down and living off line.

5) If you're trying to eat healthy, this list of the Top 10 Superfoods could help you out.

Phew! This was a lot of interneting for one day. Now I need a nap. Have a great weekend, everyone!

10 Things I Don't Understand

Hey! Someone else looks like crap with messy hair just like me! Good to know...

There are some things about life which I have little or no understanding of. Here's my list.

10 Things I Don't Understand About Life

1) Messy hair: It looks fine on other people (usually). But, if I have a single hair out of place, I am guaranteed to look like a homicidal crack head. Isn't it nice to know what doesn't work for you?

2) Giving the finger: Sure, I've done it a couple of times in righteous anger. But, it just felt kinda...Meh. Since what I really want to do when I flip someone off is yell or smack them upside the head with a large metal serving spoon, the finger just doesn't feel like enough. So, I don't do it.

3) Thong underwear: These, ostensibly, became all the rage to remove ladies' panty lines. Can I tell you something? When I was still working downtown and saw well-dressed career women all the time, a LOT of them had thong panty lines. And there is nothing more hideous than a constant reminder of a stranger's ass crack. I am pro-granny panty. All the way.

4) Sunscreen: Now, before you begin to silently judge me, you should know that I of course wear sunscreen. But, I also hate it with a fierce passion. I'm sure there's some $45,000 bottle of the stuff out there that makes you feel fresh and glowy and sophisticated. I only buy the drugstore variety, so I turn into a sticky hobo within an hour of putting the stuff on. Dammit, sun!

5) Iced coffee: Just disgusting. If coffee's not hot, what's the point? I will sit under a fan on full blast if need be to have my piping morning cuppa. Yes I will.

6) Piercings: Earrings? Sure. A dainty diamond stud in the nose? OK, fine. But bones and bars and ear lobe extenders? No. And, you're not even an original anymore, hun. Take it out, stitch it up and move on.

7) Politics: Oh, I vote. Lots of people went through a lot of trouble, including dying, so my black female ass could have a say. The problem? I find it impossible to believe 99% of what anyone on either side (or in the middle) tells me. I think most of them just want the power of being elected. And the rest of them will soon be corrupted by all the games they need to play to get anything accomplished. As you might imagine, I usually leave my polling place feeling vaguely icky and praying I made a choice that won't send us into Armageddon.

8) Fashion magazines that refuse to acknowledge the fact that most women can't, and wouldn't even if they could, pay $70 for eyeshadow: Show some cheap shit, already! And? Stop pretending you have a story on high/low fashion when your "low" is a pair of $189 pants. You know what? Nevermind. You keep acting like fools and I'll keep not reading and yelling Fuck you Vogue! when I pass a newsstand.

9) Ugly-cute animals: Notice we don't ascribe this dichotomy to people? That's because ugly-cute doesn't exist. Can you really not love your ugly-ass dog if you don't insist it's cute? Well, shame on you, I say. Shame!

10) Low rise pants: Haven't we all seen enough butt crack beginnings in our lives? Haven't we?!

What things about modern life do you not understand?

Happy Friday! Trying To Live My Own Lessons

Mom before me, in January of '72.

Boy, did I ever get smacked in the face with my own theories this week. My mom, who I've been worried about since she got laid off right after my uncle died in spring 2009, finally got a job on Wednesday. She starts work tonight.

And? I'm jealous.

I know! I just talked about this on Tuesday. PT did not get my job. Her getting a job does not mean that there is one less job for me. I have some good stuff going on. I woke up at 4:44 this morning because I couldn't breathe (that's not the good thing; anyway, I think I have a sinus infection) and ended up applying for two jobs online and filling out two applications that had been sitting around for a week.

So, I need to let you know that PT getting herself a job really does make me happy and less worried. But I happen to also be completely envious. She's applied for exactly two jobs in her three years of unemployment and she nailed the second one. I've put my name in the race for, what must be, a couple of hundred jobs and aside from two short temp gigs...Nothing.

PT will be leaving for work soon, I have to call and wish her luck, so here are some internet wanderings for your enjoyment this weekend.

1)If you're interested in continuing your education, Mashable has a list of ways to do it online.

2) Brain Pickings has had some interesting articles on sleep and why it's good for every aspect of our lives.

3) Margaret Atwood has 10 honest rules for writing fiction. This list is great for all the writers out there (in here).

4) Lifehacker has the scoop on a web app that'll let you license your Instagram pics.

5) And for a little comedy, Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is not impressed and Expendables 2 stars before they were famous.

Enjoy the weekend, lovelies!

Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Say No

...These women were unable to say no. You don't want to end up like them, in a bundle on the floor with your ass showing, do you?

If you look at a women's magazine in any given month, chances are you will come upon an article discussing how hard it is for women to say no to demands on their time by other people.

Not only have I never been one of these women, but I don't entirely understand them. Maybe it's because I don't have children or tons of family responsibilities, or maybe it's because a sometimes not so gentle undercurrent of depression runs through my everyday life. Either way, I'm pretty good at saying no.

So, for everyone who has trouble with it, here are some steps you can take to free yourself from the tyranny of yes.

How To Say No

1) Start with yourself. "No" seems so negative, doesn't it? You probably don't say it because you're afraid of hurting people's feelings or seeming selfish. The first key is to stop thinking about "no" in such negative terms. When you say NO to other people, what you're really doing is saying YES to yourself. If you're faced with a business offer or invitation, or asked for money you'd rather not give, think about what you need to do with the time, money, knowledge or whatever else has been asked of you. When you think of saying NO to others as simply saying YES to your own life, it's easier to realize it's not so bad.

2) Work up to it... If you really can't fathom turning down any request, you may need to ease yourself into it. Would you like to come to my Bachelorette finale viewing party? asks the woman at work you hate talking to in regards to a show you happen to also hate. Tell her you need to check your calendar, then when she asks again a few days later, thank her for the invitation and tell her you've got a family event that night. She doesn't need to know that "family event" is code for a long bath, delivered pizza and a Gilmore Girls marathon with your husband.

3) ...But don't coddle yourself. The white lie route will only get you so far. Plus, you can't do that forever. Eventually you're going to have to bust out the dreaded two letter word. Practice with those small, everyday questions if working up to no keeps you stuck in I'll-think-about-it land. Do you want fries with that? NO. Can I talk to you about our new credit protector plan? NO. Are you alright? NO. The sex was good last night, wasn't it? NO. You get the picture...

4) Stay positive. Remember that you're only saying no to say yes to your own needs. As a result, it's often a good idea to couch your response in as much positivity as you can, depending on the situation. Here's how this works. You get the question: We really need a new chair for this event. You've worked with us for a long time, would you like to take over? You think: The reason they need a new chair is because the stress of planning always drives the previous chair insane. I am too busy, important and happy to go crazy right now. You say: Wow, thanks for thinking of me, but, no. I really have too much going on to devote enough time to chairing the event. I'll certainly volunteer again, though! See? Easy!

Now go take that bath, eat that pizza and watch TV. You've earned it!

What do you have trouble saying no to?

Happy Friday: Relax Into It

Well, I've had a pretty productive day. An allergy attack woke me up around 6:30 this morning, and since I was congested enough to not be able to breathe while laying down, I sat at my desk and worked on a story that's been percolating in my brain for the past couple of weeks.

I've also cooked tonight's dinner, done some laundry and cleaned up cat barf, so, yea for getting stuff out of the way!

HUBS and I, as usual, are plan-less for the weekend. But, I hope to do a lot of reading, writing and get out of the house to somewhere interesting. Now, let's look into some internet things!

1) Wanna animate your photos?

2) Get help meeting goals and moving forward in life with the Unstuck app and their remarkably helpful blog.

3) I am newly obsessed with the Giant Pants of the '30s tumblr.

4) What the most successful people do before breakfast can help you plan your day.

5) Triposo is a travel guide for your cell phone/tablet that has over 8000 destinations. Phew!

There! Now go relax, already!

If There Is An Upside...

I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.

Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.

Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.

That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.

It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.

What have your hard times taught you?

I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?

Music Monday: Sticking To My Guns

Well, I did what I said I was going to do. On Saturday morning HUBS and I got out of the house and visited a couple of farmer's markets. I took a ton of photos with my "serious photographer" camera and played with the photo apps on my phone. Photography is something else I enjoy that's been missing from my life just like writing and running around the city. No wonder I was screwy last week.

Why do we torture ourselves by abandoning things we love to do? I think I get it now; when the world feels heavy, I should run to my hobbies instead of leaving them behind in a whirl of madness. The things we enjoy are around to comfort us, not give us trouble or make life difficult (mostly, anyway).

I also met up with the friends I made online a couple of months ago. We went to a brunch buffet and ate our asses off, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I also felt like a bit of a slob later, after waking up from an impromptu nap taken on the couch. What did I do about it? I exercised! Yeah, that's right. The girl who loves nothing more than sitting got off her butt and moved and lifted and sweat for 30 minutes.

I feel very good about this weekend. I also feel good about keeping progress going. Today I cleaned the bathroom, made a call I was afraid to make and applied for a job I believe I'll actually like. Yes. This is nice.

Music!









Is there anything you keep forgetting that you love to do?