Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

Tuesday Tipday: Losing Weight The Easier Way

Alright, I'm no more of an expert than your average always-thinking-about-losing-a-few-pounds person, but I have hit on a bit of a breakthrough. I think I may have gotten rid of my food guilt. Let me explain.

Last Thursday I ate like a pig. It may have been the period hormones, or maybe I was just feeling lazy and let my guard down, but either way I lost it. I spent the day filling my face with pizza, mixed nuts, trail mix, peanut butter, chips...I. Went. To. Town.

Now, I've been using a program on my smart phone, My Fitness Pal, to track what I eat since I got the phone in July. At the end of the day when I saw that I'd gone way over every dietary limit I'd set for myself, do you know what happened? Nothing. Not only was there not an ounce of guilt or beating myself up or internal bad-mouthing, but I actually remember looking at the numbers and thinking Wow, I don't feel bad about that at all.

And, before you go telling me I'm setting a bad example, you should know that I was back to normal the next day. It was fascinating. There was no crying or begging God to help me lose weight or binging-because-I-screwed-up-Thursday-so-I-might-as-well-say-fuck-it-and-give-up. I remained calm and did what I needed to do. Suddenly, I was free.



You can be free, too. Though I admit that I'm not sure how I beat the cycle* I think it mostly involves not putting all my focus on food, weight loss, exercise or diets.

I now weigh 234, which I know would just kill a lot of people. But, it's much better than 254, so I'm ok with it until I lose even more weight (Or even, really, if I don't). My ultimate goal is to get at or just under 200. I realize that still sounds like a lot, but I wear a very comfortable size 14/16 at that weight and feel quite light.

Here's what I think has helped me:

1) Track that food. I know it sounds boring, but you'd be amazed how much it helps to see exactly what you're eating and what kind of calories/fat/sodium/vitamins/etc. you're taking in. Instead of making me obsessed with the numbers, it's just made me more informed. And information feels good.

2) It's all exercise. We need to stop only thinking in terms of running five miles or spending hours at the gym. Clean your house, walk in place while you watch your favorite TV show, garden, do squats when you're brushing your teeth, park as far away from the store as possible so you have to walk more...It's all exercise. Every step is better than no steps.

Get a good pedometer and keep track. They say 10,000 steps should be the goal, but even when I do a good amount of walking the most I usually muster is a bit over 6,000. That's better than 0, so I'm cool with it.



3) Stop being afraid. You will have good days and bad, stop letting the threat of less than healthy days scare the holy bejesus outta you. Food is not the enemy, we need it to live. It's fear that keeps us trapped in these odd food patterns that make us do stuff we know we shouldn't on a regular basis.

I used to read a lot of Geneen Roth back in the day when I was trying to figure out how to stop binging. One of the things she says is to buy all the stuff you're not allowing yourself to have and let yourself enjoy those foods. Eventually, you won't feel like you need to have gobs of them any more. I think this is what's happened to me with fast food. We've had so much of it in the past two and a half months that I can't really stand the idea of burgers/fries/onion rings/fried chicken now.

4) Pay attention. I haven't had seconds in months. I used to have the hardest time stopping when I was full. There were times where I'd actually eat until I felt like I was going to throw up because I'd eaten so much I'd made myself sick. The whys behind that are many, to be sure, but the important thing is to eat slowly enough to realize when you've had enough and stop. It might not be easy, but it's a major factor in enjoying what you eat.



5) Smaller portions made easy. If you're not getting the hang of #4, try forcing yourself to eat less by using smaller plates. This will trick you into thinking you're eating a full plate, when it's really not.

6) Stop demonizing certain foods. Barring anything you're actually allergic to or not allowed to have for health reasons, you should be able to eat whatever you want, whenever you want as long as you pay attention to your body and stop eating when you get full. Chocolate frosting by the spoonful? Ok. Pie and ice cream? Yes. Pizza with everything? Why not. Stop when you get that tightness in your tummy and you'll be alright.

7) Dear God, think about something else! It's possible that because so much of my mental space in the past couple of years has been taken up with family deaths, money problems and joblessness that I was able to think about losing weight without letting it take over my every thought process and that that was what allowed me to actually lose weight.

I'm not suggesting you stress out to lose a few pounds, but I am suggesting that you get in the habit of doing things you enjoy and talking to people you have fun with about non-dietary stuff. Don't let this take over your life. Remember, you are more than a dress size! Especially if you're taking all the right steps.



*You know how it goes: you eat too much of the supposed wrong thing then punish yourself by skipping meals and next thing you know, you're binging on giant bagels because you haven't allowed yourself a single thing to eat all day. Then you punish and binge and punish and binge into infinity. Blah, right?

Back To Work

I can't believe it's Wednesday already. I got a sympathy card today from the vet specialist office about Luanne and reading all the nice things they said about her and me and HUBS made me cry. But, other than that I've been doing pretty good. Though I have to say, the house feels different without her.

Remember how I said her dying wasn't quite as simple as I made it sound? Well, we weren't with her when she died. HUBS and I were on vacation. More specifically? We were on our way to the beach when we got the call that she passed away.

On to brighter things, I suppose...

HUBS and I were in Philadelphia from July 3 through 8th. We drove, so we were car bound on the 1st, 2nd, 8th and 9th. We packed a lot of doing into that amount of time and we've been exhausted since getting in around 2:30 Sunday morning*.

In fact, HUBS and I slept most of the day on Sunday. We woke up to eat a late lunch and bury Luanne in the back yard (We buried her with a favorite string and planted wildflower seeds on her grave), and then went back to sleep. I slept so much on Sunday I only ate the one meal!

I'll show lots of pictures (I took around 3,000 shots. No. Not kidding at all.) and give you more details in the coming days. Right now, though, you should know that I had a very productive morning.

About a month ago I signed up on fiverr to do some little gigs for $5 each. I finally got some legitimate hits last week (hours before Luanne died, actually) and today I got to complete my first paid gig. I reviewed a screenplay outline for someone and you know what? It felt really fucking good!

It felt better than writing chef and bartender interviews or film reviews and definitely felt better than watching aimless hours of TV. For the first time in years I felt like I was using my whole brain and was seriously in my element. I like this, people! I got to help someone, write and work with film industry stuff. How is that not awesome?

If you know a friend who could use help with a screenplay, music recommendations, ideas for dinner, a personalized pop culture update or a short screenplay written specially for them, please direct them to my fiverr gigs!

Now, since there hasn't been a Music Monday in a couple of weeks enjoy the video above from Sam Sparro. You can see a slicker version here.



*Molly the stray cat ran across the street to greet us when we got home, despite the late hour. That was a really nice welcome home.

Tuesday Tipday: Unsick Your Cat!

As you know I've been dealing with some mighty stubborn sick cat issues for the past six weeks or so. And, as of last Friday the kittens all have upper respiratory illnesses. We had to take them to the vet on Sunday to get antibiotics for them. (This would have been a complete budget buster, by the by, had I not lobbied to pay only one visit fee and then presented a coupon I found for our vet that gave us a free initial kitten exam. Meaning? All we had to pay for was the $11.40 medicine. Yes, my friends, couponing works.) They're still wheezy, sneezy and runny, but at least they are a lot more energetic than over the weekend. I take this as a positive sign.

Luanne still has her feeding tube in because she's refusing to go to food and just eat on her own. If I bring her food and water, she'll partake, but has rarely gone to sustenance willingly. Also, she keeps throwing up tiny amounts of food or water once or twice a week. After about a week of no vomiting, yesterday and today she puked again. But, this time? I noticed string in the vomit, i.e. she's actually ingesting that sweater they keep her in (to hide the feeding tube) when she cleans herself. So! Yay for additional issues!

I say all of this to lead you into a brief sick cat maintenance tutorial, via my two years experience with caked up kitty eyes, snotty noses, baby wipes, backside cleanings, forced feedings and worry filled nights.



SICK CAT 101

1) Pay close attention. Have they been sneezing? Are they congested? Do they seem to be eating and playing the same? If you've got a congested cat who doesn't seem to be eating much, get them to the vet ASAP. If they don't eat enough they could end up with fatty liver disease, which can be deadly but is easily treated if caught early.

2) Tricks to get your kitty buddy to eat. Things that might work are changing up their normal diet by adding super smelly wet food and heating it up to really release the odors or even adding clam juice/tuna juice to dry food to up the funk factor for their little noses. I've also heard that pumpkin is something cats like, so you can try enticing them with a bit of that. Just try to get them to eat something. But, make sure not to give them anything with onions or garlic, they have severe reactions to them, which would make the situation a shit ton worse.

3) Syringe feeding is an option. Alas, it is not an easy one. There will likely be much struggling, no matter how much they actually end up liking the food you're forcing on them. Be sure to get syringes and food amounts from your vet so you feed them enough to maintain their weight and health. Hill's Science Diet has the perfect food for this. Scoop it into the syringe and hold the cat steady, making sure their butt is up against something so they can't back away. Put a hand on the cat's head so you can press each side of their jaw with a finger simultaneously. Once you do this the jaw will open easier and you can squeeze the food in. Massaging the cat's neck will encourage them to swallow and not spit out their gruel. Ha! We know tricks, you squirmy felines!

4) Dammit! Nunna that shit worked. Now what? You might need to get them a peg tube. This will make feeding them and giving them water/medicine a lot easier, since you won't be forcing stuff down their throat. Be prepared for an expensive procedure (Luanne's cost $1,340), and some up keep in addition to actual feedings. You'll likely get extremely detailed instructions from your vet, but the biggest things are making sure to flush the tube with a set amount of water before and after feeding, being sure the feeding process lasts for at least 20 minutes and cleaning the tube with hydrogen peroxide at least twice a day. When cleaning, get in there really good and wipe the tube and stomach down so that no gunk cakes up (and it will if neglected).

Phew! now, aside from all that, keep doing whatever you usually do with your cat. Petting them, playing with them, talking to them and watching King of Queens reruns with them. You want to keep them as calm and comfortable as possible while they recover.

So, I hope this helps. But, really, I hope you never need this info. Having sick pets sucks all kinds of ass. Yes, sir. All. Ass.