I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.
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Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.

Back To Work

I can't believe it's Wednesday already. I got a sympathy card today from the vet specialist office about Luanne and reading all the nice things they said about her and me and HUBS made me cry. But, other than that I've been doing pretty good. Though I have to say, the house feels different without her.

Remember how I said her dying wasn't quite as simple as I made it sound? Well, we weren't with her when she died. HUBS and I were on vacation. More specifically? We were on our way to the beach when we got the call that she passed away.

On to brighter things, I suppose...

HUBS and I were in Philadelphia from July 3 through 8th. We drove, so we were car bound on the 1st, 2nd, 8th and 9th. We packed a lot of doing into that amount of time and we've been exhausted since getting in around 2:30 Sunday morning*.

In fact, HUBS and I slept most of the day on Sunday. We woke up to eat a late lunch and bury Luanne in the back yard (We buried her with a favorite string and planted wildflower seeds on her grave), and then went back to sleep. I slept so much on Sunday I only ate the one meal!

I'll show lots of pictures (I took around 3,000 shots. No. Not kidding at all.) and give you more details in the coming days. Right now, though, you should know that I had a very productive morning.

About a month ago I signed up on fiverr to do some little gigs for $5 each. I finally got some legitimate hits last week (hours before Luanne died, actually) and today I got to complete my first paid gig. I reviewed a screenplay outline for someone and you know what? It felt really fucking good!

It felt better than writing chef and bartender interviews or film reviews and definitely felt better than watching aimless hours of TV. For the first time in years I felt like I was using my whole brain and was seriously in my element. I like this, people! I got to help someone, write and work with film industry stuff. How is that not awesome?

If you know a friend who could use help with a screenplay, music recommendations, ideas for dinner, a personalized pop culture update or a short screenplay written specially for them, please direct them to my fiverr gigs!

Now, since there hasn't been a Music Monday in a couple of weeks enjoy the video above from Sam Sparro. You can see a slicker version here.



*Molly the stray cat ran across the street to greet us when we got home, despite the late hour. That was a really nice welcome home.

Are You There God? It's Me, Citygirl...

Dear Almighty,

I'm writing this as an open prayer. To get it all out and force myself to stop.

We cannot worry anymore. HUBS and I cannot sleep at night. We're snappy and bitchy and twitchy and irritable. Even when we're happy we're sad. It all feels like too much; like a dreary dead end that we can't turn around from.

And we're trying. Trying to stop the worry, the ruminating, the wallowing, the stressing, the fear. We are: breathing deeply, counting to 10, praying, pleading, meditating, yoga-ing, stretching and discussing. It helps for a bit, and then feels meaningless.

So, I'm now (actively and publicly) giving it all to you. Surrendering every fear, stress, worry, anxiety and its ilk.

About...

Luanne's health issues
My joblessness
My depression
My restlessness
My inactivity
My indecision
My procrastination
HUBS' exhaustion
Our money problems
Our anger
Our anxiety
Our fear of our own futures
Our lack of hope
Our lack of complete faith
Our entitlement
Our reckless desires...

And all the other negative, scary stuff.

I ask that you take these things and help us figure out a way through, up, over, around or under them. And if we can't figure out a way, please help us somehow be ok anyway.

Many thanks,
XO

Citygirl

Music Monday: Can We Please Be Done With Tornadoes Now?

Holy Nature Fuck! I cannot remember a worse tornado season than this one, seeing as how we started back on New Year's Eve with devastating storms and have barely had a breather since. HUBS and I and our folks have been incredibly blessed to have had every major storm in Missouri miss us. If you want to donate to help out any of the Missouri tornado victims from this year, you can do so here.

We also seem to be having a lot of earthquakes and other natural disasters around the world, don't we? It feels like every couple of weeks something major is happening somewhere that we can't control. The world may not have ended on Saturday, but doesn't seem like we're slowly falling apart?

Also falling apart? Our computers here at Citygirl Headquarters. My beloved laptop, Jezebel (I told you I love naming things), has been largely unreliable for months now. Sunday brought us a shocker, though, when HUBS turned his computer on, heard a pop and then saw smoke. The video card in his computer literally blew up! Never in a million years would I have guessed that his computer would explode before Jezebel! Never!

How's about we watch some music videos to take our minds off the terrible, Mmmkay?