Music Monday: Well, Let's Hope I Don't Get Fired

No emergencies here, folks. None at all...

Well, after last Monday's stress-a-thon I finally got paid (right after bitching about it, in fact) and then I went on to relax for a whole day before I started worrying about work.

When my hours got cut I went from being responsible for three company blogs to two. This means that every Friday I am now supposed to turn in two stories, one for each blog. In order to get stories I have to research client events and email them. Then, whether or not I have articles to write depends on if any of those clients get back to me.

Only one person got back to me. Not one for each blog. Just one.

I MISSED A DEADLINE LAST WEEK. FUCK.

On one hand I really feel I did everything I could to email as many contacts as possible. But on the other hand I know it might not matter. My hours got cut, I had two weeks where I got two stories in each week, and then I missed one. Only one client got in touch with me, so I only had one article for one company blog.

I spent the weekend trying not to panic, and did a pretty good job. Today, though? Today I have a headache and feel a bit dizzy. I haven't checked my work email yet and probably won't for at least another hour. I just need to not think about it for a bit longer.

However, I can think about music. Let's go!









There. Now I need the biggest cup of coffee I can get my hands on!

Music Monday: Jesus H. Christ

Just enjoy the kitty cats...Take comfort in the kitty cats...

Ah, life. I hope all of yours are going very well, because over here? Things are kinda shitty.

What is it about bad, sad things? Why do they come in waves and droves faster than you can adjust to one sucky thing? These past couple of weeks are pretty easy to explain, so let me do it by making a list...

Suck-A-Thon 2013

1) That new freelance gig I got at the end of February? Two weeks ago my hours got cut. IN HALF. And I was already working part-time. (-$$$$)

2) The very next day, HUBS' glasses broke. ($$)

3) By the end of the week one of our cats was sick. ($)

4) We exhaust all the cash in the house and one small savings account for bills and living expenses. (-$$)

5) Our cat gets sick again, but this time needs several days in the hospital and a surgery, just completed today. ($$$$$$)

6) I've been happily getting much needed medical tests for over a month. And now, when those bills come in it will be severely nerve-wracking. ($$)

7) My last big check from work should have been here by the 1st. I STILL DON'T HAVE IT AND THEY WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THEY CUT ME A NEW ONE. (-$$$)

What really kicks my ass here? This is our fault, going WAAAAYYYYY back to neither of us saving enough money when we were on our own (with the exception of my now depleted 401K). Back to me not leaving my old job A LOT sooner, leading to an emergency exit that we still have not bounced back from. Back to the depression that makes it really hard to just stick with it and keep going all the time.

So. I literally spent the past 8 hours looking for work. And was able to apply for a whopping three jobs that I'm qualified for which don't involve toilets or garbage. Don't think I'm being picky; I will probably be applying for those by the end of the week.

Why does life kick us when we're down?

I'm trying to be Zen about all this. What do I need to learn from all this? What can I do better? How can I do better?

But, really? I'm just pissed. And nervous. And very unsure about our future.

My skin has broken out and I get queasy several times a day. I'm crying more than I have since starting depression meds and it's hard to sleep.

Well, I'm going to stop talking about this now and play some music.









How do you get through when life keeps kicking you in the teeth?

Music Monday: Kick In The Butt

So, HUBS and I have been getting out and among people a little bit. We joined a Meetup group for sci-fi and fantasy fans and have been to three events, only, since we were late to the last two, we didn't get to actually talk to anybody. But! It got us to the art museum and the science center when there were a lot of people there, some of them dressed like various Doctor Who's.

Also, I've been signed up for a nerdy women's group for months. I kept signing up for events and then chickening out at the last minute and not going because I got too nervous to talk to new people.

Well, this weekend I went.

It was a bit easier, since it wasn't just a random sit around and try to think of things to say to strangers kind of meetup. The meeting was based on The Happiness Project, a book from a few years ago about a woman trying to figure out what would really make her happy. The goal of the group is for each member to pinpoint her values and put together 3 or 4 things we really want to work on that we believe will make us happier.

I, of course, have two huge lists of things to pull from. Two huge lists of goals from the beginning of the year that I've barely worked on as we enter the last half of 2013.

I need this kick in the ass. I'm hoping having a group of ladies who are all trying to get better and improve their lives to go back to and be accountable to will help me make those small moves every day that I know I need in order to feel better and brighter.

Constant, external motivation seems to be what moves me along. Motivation really doesn't come from within with me. I don't know why, and it doesn't actually matter. The important thing is finding what will push me and using it, even if it looks like something that shouldn't move me.

Ahhhhh...Let's relax a little. MUSIC!









What gives you a kick in the ass?

Music Monday: June, Thanks!

There's nothing like an Elvis pig to brighten your day...

Vacations are awesome things. You see new sights, eat new food and see new people. Sometimes you also sweat like a pig, eat dinner at 1 am, drive the wrong way down a one way street and get pulled over by a bicycle cop, but, you know, such is life.

I've got one big Thank You for June, and that is that HUBS and I made enough cash to take a two day trip to Louisville, KY and Nashville, TN last week. It was fun and exhausting. We went out late at night and mingled with drunk, sweaty Nashvillians. We walked down dark, abandoned streets. On my way to the bathroom a clown covered in balloon animals told me to cheer up and I smiled at him even though I was thinking Fuck you, clown.

We partook of July 4th activities. Like when we stayed at home and the ghetto heathens of our neighborhood set off what must have been professional grade fireworks. They were pretty, but, really, I wish they would have stopped that shit by midnight instead of 2 am.

Saturday evening we took the train downtown to the last night of Fair St. Louis. We saw a free show by the Counting Crows, watched fireworks under the Arch, walked amongst the drunk, sweaty denizens of Laclede's Landing and ate an expensive snack at the Drunken Fish.

June's money got us there, people. And I am really thankful for that.

Music Monday: Decisionary

Like the hot, hot fire in my belly...

I need to go to the doctor. Something has been wrong with me since 2008. For about a year I thought I'd just become more sensitive to food that wasn't prepared well, and was getting frequent bouts of food poisoning.

Then I started paying more attention. About four times a year, HUBS and I would eat the same thing ( I would eat less of it, even) and I would get horribly ill. It always hits either around 2 a.m. or 7 a.m. And?

IT'S VERY, VERY BAD.

It's the kind of ill where you're forced to spend two full hours in the bathroom. The kind of ill where once everything finally stops you're tired and sore for the rest of the day.

I've had several near misses so far this year; where I woke up, thought I was going to be sick, but was able to medicate it away with Rolaids or Tummy Drops. I had another one last night.

I must be allergic to something, but I have no idea what. I've gotten sick eating a wide variety of things: pasta sauce, salsa, BBQ spaghetti, baked un-breaded fish, chicken & dumplings, Mexican food, Arby's (that was last night). It's usually something I've had before and kept down just fine.

I have put this off for way too long, being worried about doctor visit copays and medical test copays. I have to just do this now and hope they find that something easily manageable is wrong with me. (Which I think they will. I mean, if something MAJOR was wrong it would have shown up in other ways after five years...I think.)

Wish me luck.

Music Monday: May, Thanks!

Wow, how sad is it that I'm having a hard time remembering good stuff that happened in May? The month shot by so fast I'm barely registering the fact that it's June now.

Alrighty, time to put on my thinking cap, 'cause here we go...

May, Thanks!

1) Thanks to the commitment to saving money, which helped me buy a new purse.

2) Thanks to men who know how to jackhammer a basement, drill holes in each cinder block, install a drainage system and hook up a sump pump.

3) Thanks to the office manager who works with those guys for giving me a $25 discount because of the light bulb they broke and the door frame they busted up.

4) Thanks to a reasonably cool start to summer.

5) Thanks to the note taking app on my phone for helping me keep track of my daily you-must-leave-the-house jaunts.

6) Thanks to Lila, my car, for still running after 15 years.

7) Thanks to my ever growing gardening skills for giving me onions and fresh basil.

8) Thanks to Tummy Drops for keeping my sensitive stomach happy.

9) Thanks to online clothes shopping.

10) Thanks to therapy.

OK, that was actually easier than I thought it'd be!







What good stuff happened to you in May?

Music Monday: Perfect Timing

Sometimes you happen upon things for a very good reason. I had a rough night; I was sick and barely slept, and when I did fall to sleep a bit it was on the couch so I could be as close to the bathroom as possible.

I spent most of this morning and early afternoon on that very same couch, trying to piece myself back together for work, chores and the household fix-up HUBS and I had planned for later today.

The only thing I could really do with any consistent focus was finish my April issue of O Magazine. There, on page 169, was an article by Lauren Slater called Getting Lighter. In it, she talks about her decades long depression and how it made even the simplest of tasks (taking a shower, putting on non-pajama clothes) become more and more difficult; and how she's striving to feel better by making sure she looks better (new clothes, new hair cut, a well-made-up face even though she's only sitting at home writing...).

Now, it's confession time. I am sometimes so exhausted just from being alive and trying all day long not to panic or worry or get sad for no good reason, that I frequently skip bathing. Not for one day; hell taking showers every other day on a regular basis would be excellent for me. I sometimes skip showers for days at a time; four or even five to be exact.

I find bathing tiring in a way that no personal grooming should ever be. Admittedly, about 70% of this is me being woefully out of shape and actually (dammit, I'm confessing again) getting winded when I shower. The other 30% is my desire to not be reminded of how out of shape I am by seeing myself naked and sweating through my shower because of the mild, mild cardio I get from it.

Also in that 30%? Not wanting to move. Never, ever wanting to move.

I'm entirely too comfortable sitting, all day every day. And for me bathing isn't just jumping in the shower, oh no. It's a whole series of exhausting steps: cleaning the bathtub, taking off my clothes, bathing, drying off, putting on lotion, putting on new underwear and clothes, cooling off (even if my shower/bath was already a cool one).

I am trying to do better, I honestly am. The thing that has struck me since starting medication for depression again is that it's almost worthless without my effort. This is probably why I've had few real successes in my life (lofty dreams and unfinished plans, acquaintances and few friends, jobs but no fulfilling career to speak of).

I'm scared to move. I'm scared to try. I'm scared to fail.

The giant-ass white pill I'm now taking isn't the cure-all. I am.

Music Monday: Not A Big Deal

Ah, therapy. Is there anything better than sitting down with a virtual stranger, spilling your guts and crying in panic at unexpected moments?

Yes. There's lots of shit better than that.

But, you know, not a big deal. So what that I went to see my therapist on Saturday and almost had two panic attacks over nothing in front of her. So what that she suggested anxiety is more of an issue than depression right now and I should call my psychiatrist for anxiety meds. So what that I'm clearly letting my social anxiety take over and I'm slowly becoming agoraphobic.

I can handle this.

I CAN.

I CAN REALLY HANDLE THIS.

And to prove it to myself I left the house today even though I didn't feel like it. I'm doing that every day. I have to. I need to. I can't end up locking myself away. So, even if I'm just leaving (like today) for a 10 minute drive, I'M DOING IT DAILY.

Music Monday: Well, Look At Me

Well, this was a good day. I did everything on my to-do list, plus some extra stuff. I finally wrote the article my sister-in-law asked me to write for her event, scheduled the carpenter and plumber for our bathroom work, fixed my hair (I know that sounds like nothing, but it's an ORDEAL) and called the roofer about doing some warranty repairs. Plus! I cooked chicken and dumplings for dinner and watched an additional hour of daytime TV.

I AM SOOOO ON A ROLL!

Help me celebrate!

Music Monday: Sigh Of Relief

R.I.P. Chrissy Amphlett

Last week was insane. Boston, Texas...Here in Missouri and in river towns in Illinois there was a shit load of flooding. I feel like there was just too much bad news for one five day span. Thank God people can start to recover...

I don't know about you, but I was positively glued to the news on Friday and was so glad Boston (and, really, the rest of the country) got to have their weekend without wondering where that fucker was and what he was up to. It's extremely rare for me to watch the news for nine hours straight, but there I was: working on articles for my writing gig and watching some miraculous shit go down.

I need to have some fun. How about you?

Music Monday: This Might Work Out

Ah, rainy, cool Monday. How is everyone today? I, for one, am getting things done like gangbusters. Last night I started a to-do list for today, but instead of stopping at daily, shop-keeping things, I decided to add a couple of things that can be completed in one shot from my two lists of goals for the year.

Isn't that a great idea? I can hear you saying Yes, and I can also hear you asking me why I didn't think about doing this before. My answer is two-fold: a) My brain is broken, and b) I'm also a weirdo, so...you know...

I also thought it would be a good idea to spread things out over several days. Usually I make a relatively short list day by day and try to keep an idea of future to-dos in my head, but, well, you must know where I'm going with this. I CAN ABSOLUTELY NEVER KEEP FUTURE TO-DOS IN MY HEAD. It's just too hard. So, something finally clicked in my sick, sad brain and I decided to write things down for the next day of the week once I fill up whatever day I'm working on with stuff-to-do.

I know! It's like I turned into a to-do list genius over the weekend! Yaaaaaayyyy!!

Now, let's do some music!









What are you getting done lately?

Music Monday: There's Nothing Like A Spring Day

Isn't it great? You know, when we get those early Spring days where it feels like the fog of winter has lifted and everything is wonderful and new again?

That's today. Actually, it's been the last few days, but since this is a Monday where the pressure of life didn't seem to be forcing its way into my body, the mood really stood out.

HUBS' parents, serious gardeners, brought over their tiller to get our garden ready for this year. So far I've planted red onions and carrots and I've got a bag of seed potatoes I need to cut up and dry out so I can get those in the ground this week as well.

I doubt I will ever be one of those people who find gardening enjoyable, but at least it's good exercise. My legs and arms are killing me from all the hoeing and weeding and planting and bending and digging!

I have to say, it feels good to feel good! Let's keep the happy times going with some music...!

Music Monday: March, Thanks!

It's hard to believe that a week ago there was over a foot of snow on the ground in Missouri. Well, Spring's a-sprung for now and here's what made me happy in March.

March, Thanks!

1) Thanks to the Sandman for helping me get 12 hours of sleep I didn't know I needed on Friday night.

2) Thanks to my niece for sharing some of her Easter candy with me.

3) Thanks to my sister-in-law for being patient with me and the project I'm working on for her since I got my job.

4) Thanks to my hair for annoying me less as it continues to revert to its natural state.

5) Thanks to Avon for having stylish, and yet fairly cheap shoes.

6) Thanks to the USPS for delivering my first new-job paycheck.

7) Thanks to the creative genius who invented the fantasy genre for keeping my reading life interesting.

8) Thanks to the magic combo of natural peanut butter, honey & cinnamon for being great on toast or animal crackers.

9) Thanks to recyclebank.com for allowing me to subscribe to way too many magazines for totally free.

10) Thanks to turkey cutlets for being an awesome substitute for fried chicken.

Enough about me, let's enjoy some tunes...

Music Monday: Dammit, I Like A Taylor Swift Song!

Dear Taylor Swift,

No. You are NOT ALLOWED to do this. I mean, really. Is it fair that you have every White girl/woman under the age of 35 gripped in the throes of your music and still you want more? NO. This is not OK, Swifty.

But, I'll give you this one song. I will publicly admit that you made a song so damn catchy and, from what I can tell, different from your other stuff, that I was captivated by it and in no way even considered that it COULD be you. This, of course, means I WAS FOOLED BY TAYLOR SWIFT. Damn you, Taylor!

While I am slightly horrified by the fact that I like this song, I'm not going to call it a guilty pleasure, because I don't believe in feeling bad about anything I like that doesn't hurt anyone else. And I suppose I can cop to the fact that liking one of your songs doesn't make me, like, a MONSTER or anything.

Well, at least I'm setting myself apart from 100% of self-employed, mid-western, 38-year-old Black ladies with natural hair who pay no attention to you at all. Bright sides, right?

Sincerely,

I'm Just Embarrassed Enough To Not Sign My Name

Thank God that's over...

Music Monday: February, Thanks!

Well, 2013 is moving right along, ain't she? Things are looking up for me, and I hope, for you too.

February, Thanks!

1) Thanks to the job gods for hooking me up.

2) Thanks to free workouts on HULU for making it easier for me to get in shape.

3) Thanks to tax refunds for helping us fix our plumbing.

4) Thanks to good plumbers.

5) Thanks to coffee for keeping my mornings grumpy-almost-middle-aged-lady free.

6) Thanks to chips, cheese and salsa for making me happy when I don't feel like cooking.

7) Thanks to HUBS for cleaning the kitchen LIKE A BOSS.

8) Thanks to HUBS for working his geek computer magic and getting more memory on my smart phone.

9) Thanks to GetGlue for making tv/movie watching even more fun.

10) Thanks to washing machines for seeing to it that I've never had to beat dirty clothes against a rock by a stream.

11) Thanks to eshakti.com for extending the discount code from last week. It's now good through 3/20/13!

This is a very good list, if I do say so myself! Now, let's dance!









What made you happy in February?

Music Monday: All Entertainment All The Time!

via this and this

So, did anyone watch the Oscars last night? I thought MacFarlane did a pretty good job balancing snark with a proper reverence for the event. Of course it was too long; it always is. The only way to get the thing down to a reasonable length is to cut out awards that (I know this sounds harsh) non-industry people simply don't care about or even understand. Honestly? This is the first whole Oscar show I've watched in maybe 18 years. And, with all the live-blogging and tweeting going on, it was kinda fun to be a part of that.

If you want to have some fun with Oscar recapping, head over to Mashable for GIFs, awesome Jennifer Lawrence awkwardness (the second video is THE BEST) and a bit of nominee nostalgia.

Now, let's get to some muuuuuuuussssiiiiiic!









What did you think of the Oscars?

Music Monday: Soul Laid Bare

You know what I'm happy about today? My ability to use this blog to talk about life in a real way.

For most of my life I've felt like a singularly fucked up individual. Logically I knew that other people must be feeling lonely, useless, stupid or ill-equipped for life, but there was no way to tell if I knew any of those people because folks don't talk about things like that.

I certainly don't believe we should discuss everything with everyone all the time, but I do think a little selfless experience sharing (especially when that experience was negative) can help the sharer and the sharee.

When people feel alone they do lots of dumb things to themselves and others out of desperation. I talk about my experiences with depression, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, procrastination and fear not just to work through my own issues and get them off my chest and out of my mind, but so that somebody who feels like they have to keep crawling out of the same hole can read about me doing the same thing. And, hopefully, feel less alone and hopeless because of it.

In a small way, I feel like it's a public service to all the loners and losers in the world. Now that I think about it, so is spreading some aural cheer. Shall we?









If your blog is essentially a diary, how do you decide how much sharing to do?

Music Monday: January, Thanks!

Ok. So, that was January. Not bad. Got some things done. Fell behind on some others. Learned some things, made some plans. All in all, I do have some things to be grateful for.

January, Thanks!

1) Thanks to laying out some clear plans for things I wanted to get done.

2) Thanks to learning that change isn't as easy as making plans.

3) Thanks to the wisdom of an ear, nose & throat doctor.

4) Thanks to my plush eye mask for sealing out light while I slept on the couch.

5) Thanks to a shelf full of crappy bath towels for being available to wipe up plumbing mishaps.

6) Thanks to free therapy.

7) Thanks to macaroni & cheese for keeping me happy on cold nights.

8) Thanks to yoga for being there when I need it.

9) Thanks to half.com for making reasonably priced gifts a possibility.

10) Thanks to Halls cough drops, tissues, cold medicine and my sinus rinse for getting me healthy sooner.

Hey, that's kind of a lot. Not bad, right? Now, let's stop talking about me and entertain you!









What are you thankful for in January?

Music Monday: The Try

Ever feel like life is just a series of failed effort? That's how I'm feeling now. On Thursday I went to see an ear, nose & throat doc because I was doing everything my general doc told me to do but wasn't seeing my sinus infection get any better. I found out two important things on that visit.

1) Everything my GP told me to do was making me worse.
2) I don't actually even have a sinus infection!

So, yea for mis-diagnosis and taking meds that make you sicker! Now I'm putting double antibiotic up my nostrils, irrigating my nose (freaky) and taking a cheapo version of Mucinex. You know what? I'm actually getting better. After just four days. When I've been dealing with this nose crap for six months. Visits to specialists may cost $40 bucks a pop, but next time some weird shit goes down with my body that's where I'm headin'.

A lot of you really responded to my last post about dealing with change. I'm glad of that. Even as I am still mired in the seeming impossibleness of it all. Also, I've been taking care of a flu-ridden HUBS for the past few days (he's sleep-all-day-and-don't-eat sick, that's BIG for him), and in my effort to not get sick myself I've been (barely) sleeping on the couch and living in my own hazy, daydream kinda world.

But, now! The good thing about skipping Music Monday last week is that I've accumulated a lot of good music. I feel like sharing, people. Because it's easy.









Break me off some of that effort, friends. I think it's the stuff dreams are made of.

Music Monday: Victory!

...


So, today? Just fucking awesome! I had something nerve-wracking to do, which I put off last week and promised myself on Friday that I would just suck it up and get done this morning. And I did it! I'm not going to pretend I didn't stand, catatonic and staring into space, for a half hour before sitting down and doing it. But! I got that shit done this morning!

I'm loving me today and hope your Monday has gone as good as mine. Let's rock out!









What was the last thing you did that scared you a little?