Here's the Thing

I've been dealing with depression for a long time. Over half my life. I've tried six therapists of varying stripes and one psychologist. I've tried St. John's Wort and vitamins in every combination. I've tried exercise (possibly too much at times), gratitude journals, vision boards and light therapy. I've tried four different prescribed medications, an abundance of self-help books, losing myself in movies/TV/books and even eating (definitely too much at times). Nothing has ever made IT just go the fuck away. And what I'm finally realizing is that IT won't go away. Not completely, anyway.

I might not be my depression, but depression is obviously a big part of me.

All the things I've tried have helped a bit, but IT won't budge. IT's like the ocean; I have a low tide (Just get up and do what you need to do, already. Maybe you'll feel better.) and a high tide (I don't know what day it is and it doesn't matter anyway since I'm not getting out of bed).

High or low, IT's always around. And IT brings friends over on a regular basis. Worry, over-eating, sleepless nights, bed-ridden days, sudden sadness, sudden anger, fear, anxiety and procrastination have parties in my head on a weekly basis. I haven't been living with IT so much as I haven't been living because of ITs shadow.

Now that I finally get that IT isn't going to disappear in a miraculous puff of smoke like a life-sucking vampire that's finally been slayed into oblivion one day, I'm just trying. Over and over again. Every day, and sometimes multiple times a day, to...

NOT MAKE EXCUSES
NOT USE DEPRESSION AS A CRUTCH
FIND A WAY OUT, THROUGH, UNDER OR OVER IT
BEGIN AGAIN WITH HOPE

This? This knowing that IT'll probably always be with me a little? Honestly, the thought is oddly a tiny bit freeing. I didn't do medication wrong or therapy wrong or miss some depression blasting exercises that were all the rage. This is just me. And I can try to weather high tide moments by repeating my new favorite Buddhist saying:

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.

Do you have a motto that keeps you going during difficult times? Share it in the comments!

My Chicken or Egg Life

Well, hello there! Welcome to 2015, everyone. I guess we're living in the future now. Forgive me for jumping right in, but after a 16 month blog break there seemed like no better way to begin again other than to, you know...Begin. Again.

I was tired. Tired of talking about myself, mostly. Tired of going around in circles in my life and not getting anywhere. Most of this came from the fact that, during the late summer and early fall of 2013, when I last wrote on this blog, I was trying REALLY HARD to figure myself out. I'd been physically sick for years and spent the end of 2013 going to a slew of doctors who found nothing wrong with me. I'd struggled with various levels of depression for even longer, and was seeing a regular therapist, a psychiatrist and a sex therapist at the same time.

It was too much. Too much me. Too much of my problems going around in my head all the live long day and night. The kicker? All that talking and commiserating and worrying and taking anti-depressants and spending money I didn't really have to try to get help...But nothing changed. I didn't feel significantly better. Sure, I'd stopped crying so much, but I did not feel hopeful or have any renewed interest in life. So, I stopped.

Stopped taking the meds. Stopped writing about myself all the time. Stopped going to all the therapists and stopped making appointments for any new doctors to poke around my troubled tummy. All my issues have stuck with me for the past 16 months, but I just needed a break from trying SO hard to figure myself out.

-Why do I lack drive?
-Why am I afraid of everything?
-Why am I so awkward socially?
-Why can't I lose weight and keep it off?
-Why do so many things bore me so quickly?
-Why can't I be more like Beyonce?

The list of personal quandaries feels endless. From the time I was in college the answer felt sort of simple: Um, you're depressed, you dummy! Stop being depressed and you'll finally be normal! Lord knows I tried, for decades, to shut the depression down with medication and therapy and blogging and gratitude lists and an embarrassingly long reading list of self-help books. It would ebb and flow; lessen and increase. But never go away. Never ever go ALL THE WAY AWAY.

For the most part I spent my non-blogging, no-longer-in-therapy time as I had before: doing the bare minimum to survive and get through my days without bursting into tears. Going through the motions, not really enjoying life or being a participant in life or getting much out of it at all.

Then November 2014 came around. It was just two weeks after my cousin died suddenly in his sleep from a heart attack. He was 40, born in April 1974, and I was about to be 40 in just three weeks. Not that I didn't know I could die at any minute, I did and always had known that, since I was never one of those daring, thrill-seeking youngsters. But now, after losing my cousin, it was a super real possibility. What if I actually didn't have tomorrow to get off my ass and get something, anything, accomplished?

The first thing I did was something I'd been saying I was going to do for a few years but never did: I signed up for NANOWRIMO 2014. And, I finished. I wrote a 51,716 word novel. That has now tied with traveling alone to three film festivals in three cities I'd never been in before as my most cherished accomplishment.

After coming down off the high of reaching a personal goal, I spent my holidays doing a lot of thinking, and something occurred to me. Maybe the depression wasn't causing my lack of drive. Maybe my lack of drive and reluctance to step out of my comfort zone, no matter how uncomfortable it had become, was keeping me depressed. And, just like the chicken or egg scenario we're all familiar with, my depression and fear fed each other in an endless cycle that felt impossible to break down. I was 40. I'd spent roughly 20 years of my precious life mired in the fear of the new to the point that I'd made myself a tad bit OCD and agoraphobic.

I'd tried talking my depression away and medicating it away, but the only thing I hadn't tried for any significant length of time was simply doing the things I'd always wanted to do even if I was scared.

So, that's what I'm doing now. I wrote a book that I'll be re-reading and editing starting this week. For the past month I've been walking four miles on most days, even when it bores me and my hips hurt. I'm breaking down my wants and needs into small actions and fucking getting them done.

I'm going to stop giving up on myself, because I'm the only damn person who can make the next 40+ years mean anything.

How are you making your life more meaningful in 2015?

Tuesday Tip Day: Surviving The Suck Cluster

Julia's been there. We've ALL been there.

Sometimes life is pretty good. You like your job, you make good money, you have fun with your friends and stay healthy and happy.

But, you know, every now and then (or maybe more frequently than that) you feel fortunes turning against you. Everything seems off, wrong or downright bad and sad and hard to get through.

You know it when it happens.

You can tell it's coming.

You've hit what I like to call The Suck Cluster.

Unfortunately, I'm in one of these right now, and really? I've been in it since 2009. Sure, I've got a job that's going well now, so some of the pressure is off. But life has felt like a long bout of one-step-forward-two-steps-back for years.

Most recently? HUBS and I realized that our house is falling apart around us (rotten bathroom floor, rotten sill plate, flooding basement, screwed up kitchen...) and can no longer wait to be fixed. I'm having some mental issues that are affecting normal...marital functioning. My mom called me crying last week because her aunt (who she'd gotten very close to since my grandmother passed) is dying. And, on Friday, I fell down my basement stairs and needed x-rays and a few days of recovery to feel just somewhat back to normal.

Yeah, welcome to my Suck Cluster.

As with most things in life, what really matters is how you handle stuff when your own personal Suck Cluster comes calling. Here are some things that can help you navigate the tough times.

Surviving The Suck Cluster

1) Rest: You might be sad or depressed a lot from feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. The best thing to do? NOTHING. Sleep later, nap when you need to, lay around and read, watch a funny movie...Do whatever you need to in order to relieve the pressure. If you're a control freak or simply like making plans and getting things done it'll probably be hard but you'll need to reign those tendencies in a bit to get through without wearing yourself out.

2) Do A Little Something: Whatever the issue (dying relative, illness, injury, house foundation that's rotting away under your feet...) you'll need to get something done or decided on a regular basis so you feel like you're taking care of things. For me that means seeing my therapist every two or three weeks, taking my meds, checking up on my mom and slowly re-tiling my new bathroom floor, among other things.

3) Talk: If you keep the suckiness bottled up inside it'll fester, I honestly believe that. This is what friends, therapists, spouses, parents and journals (no, those don't involve talking, but they work all the same) are for. Get all the crap that's happening and your feelings about it out so you can get on with your life. Ruminating does no one any good; it will stop numbers 1 & 2 in their tracks so that you simply can't make progress or relax. The last thing you need added to your Suck Cluster is a panic attack or worry-related sleep deprivation.

4) Release: Prepare yourself. There is no anger like the anger of a Suck Cluster. With every disappointment and bad thing that comes your way in quick succession, you WILL feel like the universe is piling on for no good reason. You're being punished. You've been forsaken. Whatever sentiment the anger is related to, you need to get that aggressive energy out before you explode all over someone who doesn't deserve it. Exercise, watch violent movies, cheer audibly as terrorists die...figure out what works and do it as often as possible.

5) Remember: If you're online a lot, and most of us are now, it can seem like you're the only one having any problems. Well, you're not. Never have been and never will be. Simply keeping that in mind can help with number 4.

YOU'RE NOT BEING PUNISHED OR TARGETED, YOU'RE JUST ALIVE. AND, WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE SHIT HAPPENS. SOMETIMES, ALL AT ONCE.

You'll deal. Because you can. Because you have to. Because, even if you don't know it, you WANT to.

What do you do when everything seems to go wrong at once?

Happy Friday: A Creative Realization

Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums

I had an interesting epiphany last night. I was tired and had drug myself to the shower after a long-ish day.

While I was in there my mind started to wander. I was thinking about creativity and what it takes to risk failure or embarrassment in the effort to have your voice heard, and something came to me. This might be something everyone else has known since the beginning of time, but it just occurred to me. And the thought is going a long way to quelling my creative fears.

No matter what you create, someone will hate it.

That's it. Do you see how freeing that is? Whatever creative thing you put into the world: novel, poem, painting, TV show, movie, dress design, textile pattern...SOMEONE WILL HATE IT.

Do you know what this means? It means we have no excuses. There's no point in worrying about how what you need to do (write, paint, design, etc.) will be received. You already know, upfront, that somebody is bound to hate it.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CREATE, TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY, AND THINK ABOUT HOW TO LET THE PEOPLE WHO WILL CONNECT WITH OUR WORK FIND IT.

Because, just as sure that there will be people who'll hate what we do, there will also be people who love it, need it and want more of it.

That makes me feel good.

And slightly less scared to try.

Now that we're all relaxed, let's enjoy ourselves a little...

1) Photo buffs should check out the National Geographic tumblr. It's filled with rare pics, most of which have never been published. Much like The New York Times one from a few months ago.

2) Andy Dwyer. So dumb, and yet so awesome.

3) Some animals live a scary, freaky, long-ass time!

4) Want to grow your blog, business or brand without immersing yourself in a lot of expensive classes? Alt Summit can help for much less.

5) I've never read a Stephen King book, but I might read this one.

Enjoy your weekends, everyone!

If My House Were Burning

I know it's horrible to think of. Losing most or all of the things you've worked hard for over your life would be a shitty, shitty thing.

This used to be something I never thought of. But, as HUBS and I accumulated cats, it occurred to me that if there were a flame-related disaster (or disaster of any kind, really) we'd have the responsibility of getting our furry friends to safety. And that, in turn, made me think of what else I'd feel the need to salvage and how I'd do it in a short span of time.

So, here it is. My disaster plan...

In Case Of Emergency

1) Hopefully we'll notice the fire while it's small. One of us can call 911 and work on it with our extinguisher while the other herds the cats into our two carriers and gets them to one of our cars.

2) I'd really want my laptop and external hard drive safe, so I'd head for these next.

3) My cameras. Oh, Lord, my cameras. I have three that I feel are absolutely necessary to have and another three that would be nice to have.

4) I have an amazing number of notebooks and journals around the house. Not to mention a few books I'd be a little sad to lose.

5) I figure items 2 through 4 could fit in our two laundry baskets which we keep in the office. Load 'em up and get out.

While I realize that our lives are WAY more important than any of the inanimate objects mentioned, I like having a relatively simple, mini-plan in my mind. I think, between HUBS and I, we could get this done in less than 10 minutes, get to our cars and to some semblance of safety while waiting for the fire department.

What do you think? What would you save if you had to abandon your home?

Music Monday: January, Thanks!

Ok. So, that was January. Not bad. Got some things done. Fell behind on some others. Learned some things, made some plans. All in all, I do have some things to be grateful for.

January, Thanks!

1) Thanks to laying out some clear plans for things I wanted to get done.

2) Thanks to learning that change isn't as easy as making plans.

3) Thanks to the wisdom of an ear, nose & throat doctor.

4) Thanks to my plush eye mask for sealing out light while I slept on the couch.

5) Thanks to a shelf full of crappy bath towels for being available to wipe up plumbing mishaps.

6) Thanks to free therapy.

7) Thanks to macaroni & cheese for keeping me happy on cold nights.

8) Thanks to yoga for being there when I need it.

9) Thanks to half.com for making reasonably priced gifts a possibility.

10) Thanks to Halls cough drops, tissues, cold medicine and my sinus rinse for getting me healthy sooner.

Hey, that's kind of a lot. Not bad, right? Now, let's stop talking about me and entertain you!









What are you thankful for in January?