A Letter To A Good Cat

Dear Mollie,

I'm so sorry girl. You shouldn't have ended like this. As a stray cat, you took your life into your...sweet little multicolored paws, every day. I know that. But, you were never supposed to get hit by a car. You were too smart and cool and original for that. You were going to be the first stray cat to die of natural causes at the age of 25, I just knew it.

I hope a lot of things now. I hope it was an accident, and that the neighbors who complained about you and the rest of the strays we care for a couple of months ago didn't go gunning for you when you were in the street, and then put you in our yard to show us what they think about the strays and our looking after you. I hope whoever hit you felt bad and simply knew we would take care of things if you were in our yard. Either way, I'm glad you weren't left in the street.

I hope you didn't suffer. I hope it was quick, instantaneous, even. If you laid in our yard dying last night while we were watching TV, unknowing, that would kill a much larger part of me than the one that was killed when I found you this morning.

I hope we helped you. We certainly tried to. Remember March 2011, when Catpocalypse came and Animal Control gathered up the old guard of strays? Remember how you, in all your cat wisdom, defied the AC officer and showed her who was boss by sitting ON TOP OF THE TRAP FILLED WITH FOOD, and then sauntering off, un-captured? See, you were really too smart for this shit.

I hope you weren't too scared when we took you into the house, along with two other cats, last month to have you fixed and given your shots by Operation Sterile Feral. I know you weren't happy about it, that was obvious. But I hope you forgave us for trapping you in our basement, taking you to strangers for medical procedures you didn't realize you needed and then putting you back outside. You seemed to forgive us. In the month since we let you out, you rarely left our yard during the day.

I wish you hadn't left our yard at night, either. That way you'd still be with us. Oh, well. Kitties gotta hunt, I guess...

I hope you know you were the original cat. I mean, not really. But you felt like the original cat to us. I don't remember when I first saw you after we moved in eight years ago. 2008? 2009? 2010? I've got no idea, but I know that as the number of stray cats in the neighborhood grew and the number who came to our yard for a morning snack grew, you became a reliable fixture.

Hell, if it weren't for you, (and the resistance of St. Louis County to allow TNR) we wouldn't have most of the awesome new guard strays: Rudy (who's actually been living with us for four years), Sampson, Trey, Tim (who's had a home for over a year now), Keema, Kem, Orange Boy and Creamy. I promise we'll continue to do everything in our power to take care of them.

Mollie, I hope you enjoyed relaxing on our deck. I hope you enjoyed sunning yourself in our yard. I hope you liked all the food we gave you and it never made you feel icky. I hope, however old you were, that you had some fun. I hope you liked it when I patted your back and told you to be careful, have a good day and wished you happy hunting.

I buried you this morning, about an hour after finding you, in the back yard near our cat Luanne, who died just a few months after you refused to be taken away by Animal Control. You're between two flower beds and two two trees. I think you'll like it there. When the muddy ground settles a bit, I might try to plant some cat grass or cat nip on your and Luanne's graves. I think that would be fitting.

Luanne's been gone a long time. Mollie, seek her out wherever you are now. She's a good cat, too. I'm sure she'd love to show you around.

Love and Thanks Always,
Adrienne

Music Monday: Well, Let's Hope I Don't Get Fired

No emergencies here, folks. None at all...

Well, after last Monday's stress-a-thon I finally got paid (right after bitching about it, in fact) and then I went on to relax for a whole day before I started worrying about work.

When my hours got cut I went from being responsible for three company blogs to two. This means that every Friday I am now supposed to turn in two stories, one for each blog. In order to get stories I have to research client events and email them. Then, whether or not I have articles to write depends on if any of those clients get back to me.

Only one person got back to me. Not one for each blog. Just one.

I MISSED A DEADLINE LAST WEEK. FUCK.

On one hand I really feel I did everything I could to email as many contacts as possible. But on the other hand I know it might not matter. My hours got cut, I had two weeks where I got two stories in each week, and then I missed one. Only one client got in touch with me, so I only had one article for one company blog.

I spent the weekend trying not to panic, and did a pretty good job. Today, though? Today I have a headache and feel a bit dizzy. I haven't checked my work email yet and probably won't for at least another hour. I just need to not think about it for a bit longer.

However, I can think about music. Let's go!









There. Now I need the biggest cup of coffee I can get my hands on!

Music Monday: Jesus H. Christ

Just enjoy the kitty cats...Take comfort in the kitty cats...

Ah, life. I hope all of yours are going very well, because over here? Things are kinda shitty.

What is it about bad, sad things? Why do they come in waves and droves faster than you can adjust to one sucky thing? These past couple of weeks are pretty easy to explain, so let me do it by making a list...

Suck-A-Thon 2013

1) That new freelance gig I got at the end of February? Two weeks ago my hours got cut. IN HALF. And I was already working part-time. (-$$$$)

2) The very next day, HUBS' glasses broke. ($$)

3) By the end of the week one of our cats was sick. ($)

4) We exhaust all the cash in the house and one small savings account for bills and living expenses. (-$$)

5) Our cat gets sick again, but this time needs several days in the hospital and a surgery, just completed today. ($$$$$$)

6) I've been happily getting much needed medical tests for over a month. And now, when those bills come in it will be severely nerve-wracking. ($$)

7) My last big check from work should have been here by the 1st. I STILL DON'T HAVE IT AND THEY WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THEY CUT ME A NEW ONE. (-$$$)

What really kicks my ass here? This is our fault, going WAAAAYYYYY back to neither of us saving enough money when we were on our own (with the exception of my now depleted 401K). Back to me not leaving my old job A LOT sooner, leading to an emergency exit that we still have not bounced back from. Back to the depression that makes it really hard to just stick with it and keep going all the time.

So. I literally spent the past 8 hours looking for work. And was able to apply for a whopping three jobs that I'm qualified for which don't involve toilets or garbage. Don't think I'm being picky; I will probably be applying for those by the end of the week.

Why does life kick us when we're down?

I'm trying to be Zen about all this. What do I need to learn from all this? What can I do better? How can I do better?

But, really? I'm just pissed. And nervous. And very unsure about our future.

My skin has broken out and I get queasy several times a day. I'm crying more than I have since starting depression meds and it's hard to sleep.

Well, I'm going to stop talking about this now and play some music.









How do you get through when life keeps kicking you in the teeth?

That Feels Good

So, I did what I said I was going to do and went to an allergist last Friday. I have to say, it was one of the most pleasant doctor visit experiences I've ever had.

Luckily, I was able to find someone who takes our insurance and has an office that's about five minutes away from our house. She was just really nice and patient. She listened to everything I had to say, and even wrote down every instance of getting outrageously sick that I told her about from this year so far (and that is no small number, people).

She did a basic skin allergy test, which wasn't any where near as bad as I'd thought it was going to be. In case you didn't know: there's no needles involved. They use these blunt-tipped plastic things that have the oils of different possible allergens (gluten, eggs, diary, peanut...) on the ends. They stick them on your skin and let the oils sit for 15 minutes.

While I was waiting I noticed a little bit of itching in one spot and thought for sure it would be gluten. But it wasn't. It was peanut. Now, I know you've never seen me eat, but trust me when I say that if I were allergic to peanuts I'd be dead a million times over with all the peanut butter/handfuls of peanuts/bunches of other things that are made in facilities where peanuts are present which I eat on a daily basis.

My doc said it's possible to get false positives, so she sent me for a blood test (three vials they needed) and is having me do something I have not been able to get the nerve up for yet: a 24 hour urine test. This means that after I had my blood taken at the lab, they handed be a giant orange bucket with a lid and a plastic urine catcher. Once I start I will have to collect my pee pee in the urine catcher and funnel it into the bucket and...AND PUT THE PEE BUCKET IN MY REFRIGERATOR AFTER EACH COLLECTION.

Yeah. It's 'bout to get real weird up in here.

I meant to start Monday, but didn't. I meant to start yesterday; I even cleared a wide berth in the fridge for the bucket and laid a towel down in that spot just in case. I totally did not start. I'm going to get it done and back to the lab before the week's out. This is almost as bad as when I went to the gastroenterologist and had to collect like 5 different stool samples for him to test. You guys? That was completely unpleasant. Except for the fact that I didn't have to refrigerate the samples. I guess poo stay fresh longer?

Honestly? Having blood drawn was easier!

What kind of strange medical tests have you had to endure?

Music Monday: Kick In The Butt

So, HUBS and I have been getting out and among people a little bit. We joined a Meetup group for sci-fi and fantasy fans and have been to three events, only, since we were late to the last two, we didn't get to actually talk to anybody. But! It got us to the art museum and the science center when there were a lot of people there, some of them dressed like various Doctor Who's.

Also, I've been signed up for a nerdy women's group for months. I kept signing up for events and then chickening out at the last minute and not going because I got too nervous to talk to new people.

Well, this weekend I went.

It was a bit easier, since it wasn't just a random sit around and try to think of things to say to strangers kind of meetup. The meeting was based on The Happiness Project, a book from a few years ago about a woman trying to figure out what would really make her happy. The goal of the group is for each member to pinpoint her values and put together 3 or 4 things we really want to work on that we believe will make us happier.

I, of course, have two huge lists of things to pull from. Two huge lists of goals from the beginning of the year that I've barely worked on as we enter the last half of 2013.

I need this kick in the ass. I'm hoping having a group of ladies who are all trying to get better and improve their lives to go back to and be accountable to will help me make those small moves every day that I know I need in order to feel better and brighter.

Constant, external motivation seems to be what moves me along. Motivation really doesn't come from within with me. I don't know why, and it doesn't actually matter. The important thing is finding what will push me and using it, even if it looks like something that shouldn't move me.

Ahhhhh...Let's relax a little. MUSIC!









What gives you a kick in the ass?

Louisville & Nashville: People

I like shooting candid shots. I've developed a skill for putting my camera on continuous shooting mode, holding my camera down low or up high and taking pictures without anyone knowing. You catch cool stuff that way.

I miss going on photo walks. I won't be doing that now, of course, because it's too damn hot. But now that I'm not locking myself up in the house anymore, I'll have to get back into it this fall. It feels good to have new pics to show people.



Actually, there's a lot I need to get back into. I'd like to be able to blame this on the heat, but I've pooped out on those lists I made at the beginning of the year. Day to day life and my tendency to tuck myself into my comfort zone have led to, well, basically the same ol' me.

The same old me isn't horrible, it's just not as cool and fun-loving and free and determined as I would like.



It has me wondering. Can anyone really change? We all have our wild hopes and dreams. When we don't reach them, it usually seems that the reason is us, ourselves, the person who wanted to change enough to hit a goal in the first place.

The what-ifs always bog me down. Maybe you're what-ifs are positive, but mine are always negative. Now I'm thinking What if trying harder isn't in my nature? What if my view of the future is so dim that I won't be able to really accomplish anything no matter what I do? What if I have so little faith in myself that I'll continue to stand in my way?









What if, what if...What are your what-ifs?

Happy Friday: It's All In The Wrist

Our formerly rotten bathroom floor...

Is there anything better than whipping your house into shape? Well, OK, sure. Lots of things are better than cleaning house and repairing stuff. But! Taking care of these issues sure is nice.

HUBS and I finally had a sump pump put in our basement so that it won't flood anymore. It'll take us a while to pay that work off, but at least it's DONE.

Since the beginning of the year, we've had insulation added to the attic and basement, the kitchen plumbing replaced, the bathroom floor replaced, the toilet fixed and upgraded and we're about to add an electric outlet in the basement.

Holy shit, we're on a ROLL NOW!

We've also been getting rid of mounds of clothes, shoes, dishes, electronics and various useless household items we've been holding on to for way too long.

It's almost, very slightly, like living in a new house. And that's nice.

What's going on, peeps? Let's see...

1) Autocorrect never fails to fail spectacularly.

2) Want to take better photos? It's really not that hard.

3) If you loved Reading Rainbow and Mister Rogers as a kid, immerse yourself in this & this.

4) Virginia Woolf thinks all writers should keep a journal.

5) If you need help getting motivated to do...anything, while depressed, Psych Central has 12 tips for you.

Oh, yeah! Have a great weekend, everyone!

Sunday Dinner: Chicken & Dumplings

As someone who cooks, it's nice when I try out a recipe for a second time and finally get it really, really right.

That's what happened a couple of weeks ago when I took my second stab at Chicken & Dumplings. The first time I made it, the chicken soup-like part of the dish turned out fine. But, I failed my dumplings. Instead of puffing up into nicely poached biscuits, they fell apart in the stew.

So, this time, I changed some things and finally got it right!

Chicken & Dumplings (adapted from Mad Hungry by Lucinda Scala Quinn)

1 Cornish Hen
1 Onion, roughly chopped
Several Large Carrots, roughly chopped
1 bag Frozen Corn
2-4 Yukon Gold Potatoes, cut in fourths
2 Bay Leaves
Parsley (I almost never measure seasoning. Start with a teaspoon for each and add more later if you need to.)
Sage
Salt
Pepper

Dumplings

1 Cup All Purpose Flour
2 Teaspoons Baking Powder
1/2 Teaspoon Coarse Salt
Milk
Dill or Parsley
Garlic Powder
Tarragon

Put your chicken, onion, carrots, bay leaves, parsley, sage, salt and pepper into a large pot with a tight fitting lid, add enough water to cover everything and bring to a boil on high heat.

Reduce to a simmer, partially cover (or cover completely if the lid is vented) and simmer for 50 minutes. Take out the chicken and use a couple of forks to take off the skin and shred the meat as the broth and veggies continue to simmer. Add the corn and potatoes to the pot. Fish out your bay leaves. Add the meat back to the pot, taste to see if the soup needs more seasoning and add as necessary. Keep everything simmering.

In a small bowl, combine dry ingredients, including seasoning and mix well. Add milk until mixture is moist but still thick. Drop the dough by spoon fulls onto the simmering broth around the pot. Cover and simmer until dumplings have cooked through, 3 to 4 minutes.

Once you get everything into bowls, you can spice things up with some hot sauce and/or add some Parmesan or other grated/shredded cheese. Enjoy!

Tuesday Tip Day: Surviving The Suck Cluster

Julia's been there. We've ALL been there.

Sometimes life is pretty good. You like your job, you make good money, you have fun with your friends and stay healthy and happy.

But, you know, every now and then (or maybe more frequently than that) you feel fortunes turning against you. Everything seems off, wrong or downright bad and sad and hard to get through.

You know it when it happens.

You can tell it's coming.

You've hit what I like to call The Suck Cluster.

Unfortunately, I'm in one of these right now, and really? I've been in it since 2009. Sure, I've got a job that's going well now, so some of the pressure is off. But life has felt like a long bout of one-step-forward-two-steps-back for years.

Most recently? HUBS and I realized that our house is falling apart around us (rotten bathroom floor, rotten sill plate, flooding basement, screwed up kitchen...) and can no longer wait to be fixed. I'm having some mental issues that are affecting normal...marital functioning. My mom called me crying last week because her aunt (who she'd gotten very close to since my grandmother passed) is dying. And, on Friday, I fell down my basement stairs and needed x-rays and a few days of recovery to feel just somewhat back to normal.

Yeah, welcome to my Suck Cluster.

As with most things in life, what really matters is how you handle stuff when your own personal Suck Cluster comes calling. Here are some things that can help you navigate the tough times.

Surviving The Suck Cluster

1) Rest: You might be sad or depressed a lot from feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. The best thing to do? NOTHING. Sleep later, nap when you need to, lay around and read, watch a funny movie...Do whatever you need to in order to relieve the pressure. If you're a control freak or simply like making plans and getting things done it'll probably be hard but you'll need to reign those tendencies in a bit to get through without wearing yourself out.

2) Do A Little Something: Whatever the issue (dying relative, illness, injury, house foundation that's rotting away under your feet...) you'll need to get something done or decided on a regular basis so you feel like you're taking care of things. For me that means seeing my therapist every two or three weeks, taking my meds, checking up on my mom and slowly re-tiling my new bathroom floor, among other things.

3) Talk: If you keep the suckiness bottled up inside it'll fester, I honestly believe that. This is what friends, therapists, spouses, parents and journals (no, those don't involve talking, but they work all the same) are for. Get all the crap that's happening and your feelings about it out so you can get on with your life. Ruminating does no one any good; it will stop numbers 1 & 2 in their tracks so that you simply can't make progress or relax. The last thing you need added to your Suck Cluster is a panic attack or worry-related sleep deprivation.

4) Release: Prepare yourself. There is no anger like the anger of a Suck Cluster. With every disappointment and bad thing that comes your way in quick succession, you WILL feel like the universe is piling on for no good reason. You're being punished. You've been forsaken. Whatever sentiment the anger is related to, you need to get that aggressive energy out before you explode all over someone who doesn't deserve it. Exercise, watch violent movies, cheer audibly as terrorists die...figure out what works and do it as often as possible.

5) Remember: If you're online a lot, and most of us are now, it can seem like you're the only one having any problems. Well, you're not. Never have been and never will be. Simply keeping that in mind can help with number 4.

YOU'RE NOT BEING PUNISHED OR TARGETED, YOU'RE JUST ALIVE. AND, WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE SHIT HAPPENS. SOMETIMES, ALL AT ONCE.

You'll deal. Because you can. Because you have to. Because, even if you don't know it, you WANT to.

What do you do when everything seems to go wrong at once?

Music Monday: Well, Look At Me

Well, this was a good day. I did everything on my to-do list, plus some extra stuff. I finally wrote the article my sister-in-law asked me to write for her event, scheduled the carpenter and plumber for our bathroom work, fixed my hair (I know that sounds like nothing, but it's an ORDEAL) and called the roofer about doing some warranty repairs. Plus! I cooked chicken and dumplings for dinner and watched an additional hour of daytime TV.

I AM SOOOO ON A ROLL!

Help me celebrate!

Tuesday Tipday: How To Travel Alone

While I can admit that I don't exactly live for adventure, I have done some things in my day. Something I still count as a major accomplishment are the times, in 2005, that I braved my nerves, boarded airplanes and traveled to places I'd never before been...totally alone.

I didn't backpack through India, or do anything quite that impressive, but when it comes to doing new things we all have to start somewhere. Really, if someone as cynical, quiet and fear-filled as me can travel solo, so can you. If you've wanted to make a lone travel trek, but haven't been able to get up the nerve, here's what you need to know.

How To Travel Alone

1) Focus is helpful. My family took occasional vacations when I was a kid, but by the time I was 31, I still had a LONG list of places I wanted to see. When the whole world is an option (Or, really, the whole country. Traveling abroad cost more than I was willing to put on credit!), how do you narrow the possibilities down? I say, follow your hobbies. Something I'd always wanted to do was go to the Sundance Film Festival. So, my first solo trip was to Park City, Utah during the final weekend of the festival. Roger Ebert passed me on the street! I went to a party with Jennifer Jason Leigh!

If you enjoy yoga, find a retreat in a city you'd like to visit. Maybe you're a writer, if so, get thee to a conference. The best part about this method is that not only do you get to see new places, but you automatically surround yourself with people who share interests with you. And this makes some of the strangers in your midst EASIER TO TALK TO. Score!

2) Make yourself talk to strangers. I managed to socialize a bit at Sundance and during my trip to SXSW a couple of months later. But, mostly, I spent time exploring on my own because I'm good at being alone. I wanted to broaden my horizons, though. So, what did I do? I went to Las Vegas...and volunteered at the CineVegas Film Festival.

If there's a better way to connect with people who'll share your interests and force yourself to converse with them, I don't know what it is. During my seven-day-stay I got rides to and from my hotel from a former showgirl who'd become a real estate agent, went to a burlesque show with a director, his actor friend and another festival volunteer, and party hopped with yet another volunteer who hooked up with a now famous actor. I had an adventure! I'm sure it's possible to do that without hanging out with others, but it's probably not as much fun.

3) Be safe, not scared. I never would have had as much fun as I did had I not taken some chances. The key is simply to keep your wits about you, asses all situations/new people and don't be afraid to hurt someone's feelings if you believe you need to bail out. Some additional things to think about:

a) Keep your cell phone charged and handy. Maybe even put 911 on speed dial.
b) Ladies, if you need to carry a purse, make it one that closes fully and either fits snugly under your arm or allows you to carry it crossbody in front of you, so you always have an eye on it.
c) Consider a money belt. Withdraw the cash you'll need for the day and store it in a front pocket to eliminate the need to root around in your bag. Put your debit/credit card and a photocopy of your id in the money belt, and wear it under your clothes while you're out. This might be TMI, but I always put mine inside my pants and panties, that way if it comes unbuckled (never happened, by the way) it will stay snugly against my body and not fall out a pant leg.
d) Use common sense and trust your gut. No drinking more booze than you can handle or taking drinks from strangers who are not tending bar. Try not to walk around alone, at night in unpopulated areas. If you simple have to? Carry your keys/mace in your hand, ready to be used as a weapon if needed; walk speedily with your head up and with purpose. Folks will be less likely to mess with you if you look like you know where you're going and will take NO SHIT from random people.
e) Keep your car doors locked and don't roll non-driver windows down so much that someone could reach in and open a door on you.
f) Secure your hotel door. I braced mine with a chair, but that was before this or this.

That's it! Follow your passion to someplace cool, stay safe and have fun!

How have you traveled safely while alone?

I Might Be A Terrible Daughter

I talked to my mom on Monday. It had been a while since I spoke to her, I probably called her a week or two ago.

Being an only child who sometimes neglects to call her mom on a regular basis, I have often considered myself not the best kid in the world. But when PT called me Monday, well, I realized just how shitty I am.

PT had, apparently, called me on Saturday and left a message, but I hadn't listened to it or even noticed that it was her that called me because I'm sometimes crappy about picking up messages.

She revealed that last week was hard for her. I said, "Have you been sick?" And PT replied, "No, Adrienne, you know mom died on February 16."

Oh, shit. I forgot about the anniversary of my grandmother's death.

Of course she had a shit week! And I wasn't there for her. Even though at the beginning of this month I reminded myself to call mom around anniversary time. But, I didn't put it on my calendar, so I was wrapped up in my own bullshit and let it completely slip my mind.

She didn't give me any grief over it, but I know she wishes I'd called her. I could hear it in her voice. And you know what? I forget every year.

PT and her mom were very close. I know how hard her illness and death were (are) on mom, but I can't remember to do this one very basic thing for her once a year.

I don't know why this is. Really. Is it just my never-ending mental crap? My general dislike for talking on the phone (thanks to my 9 1/2 years as a receptionist/admin)?

Who the hell knows. I put a reminder on my calendar so I won't forget next year. Though, it doesn't change the fact that I feel I shouldn't have to do that.

My grandmother was a cool, calm lady who bought me my first purse, gave me a love of hats, never cursed and "smoked" cigarettes by lighting them and letting them burn out in the ash tray. Every time I think about her I wonder why I don't miss her more. Then I feel bad about it. Then I push those feelings way, way down because I really don't need anything else to feel bad about.

Maybe what I really am is a terrible granddaughter.

Dammit.

How do you deal with tough family things you'd rather stay away from but know you shouldn't?

Happy Friday: 7 Things I'm Bad At That Don't Matter

...

I had a semi-crappy week. As such, I need to remind myself that I'm not actually bad at everything, it just seems that way sometimes. Also, not all of the things I'm bad at are life-destroying. Here's my list of stuff I suck at that doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

7 Things I'm Bad At That Don't Matter

1) Brushing my teeth. Of course I'm good at brushing my teeth, technically. I'm just really, really messy at it. The toothpaste foam that forms dribbles down my chin and usually lands on my shirt. I often walk around while I brush and frequently find dried toothpaste spray around the house on mirrors, TVs, counters, tables, walls...You get it. Messy!

2) Reading books/magazines. I subscribe to seven magazines. Most of them sit in un-presentable stacks around the house for WAY longer than a month. I also have a book buying sickness, which I think I've finally kicked, but it's lead me to having a house filled with tomes I've owned for a few years but haven't even cracked the spines on.

3) Checking emails. I have three email accounts: one for family/friends and serious personal business, one for applying for jobs and one for entering contests and other crap. I can go a few days without checking any of them. Then I end up with 700 unread emails and freak the fuck out, do better for a bit and then fall behind again. Oh, well. No one's dying from this one.

4) Skipping dessert. Only happens if I'm sick or so full I might get sick if I inhale one more might. As far as vices go? Not horrible.

5) Waking up early. I fucking hate it. End. Of. Story.

6) Fixing my hair. I have no appreciable skills in this area. I would much rather wear a scarf or hat all day, every day. So, I frequently do.

7) Drinking hooch. One drink and I'm done. And it better basically taste like Kool-Aid, or I'm out. I didn't even start to get a taste for sugary, pansy-assed mixed drinks until about 12 years after I turned 21. I've never been drunk and likely never will be. I can go for several months without having any kind of booze, and I'm totally OK with that.

There's my list. Now? Internet!

1) X-Men Muppets? Yes!

2) Age, dammit! AGE!

3) People who do amazing things only have one different trait from those who don't. Simple as that.

4) Caffrey the cat only has two legs. I love him.

5) This is just fun. Also, it involves cats, so, you know, there's my wheelhouse!

That's all for me. Let me know, what are you bad at that doesn't matter?

Change Is Hard. Get Over It.

I broke out like gang busters the first two and a half weeks of this year. I made lists and plans and scheduled my days and got an article published on another website.

Then, last Wednesday hit. And I had a little panic attack over all the alerts that kept ringing on my phone telling me I needed to do this, that or the other thing. I managed to work on an essay I want to get published a bit on Friday, but that's been it.

I am in full avoidance mode.

Obviously, this isn't on purpose. I want to still be moving full-steam ahead. Instead, I spent over an hour on Twitter this afternoon. Since I was sick on Monday and had to really fight off a panic attack yesterday, I'm going to give myself a bit of a break on this.

I'll admit it, I almost had a full-on freak out about not getting more done. Luckily, before it took over I realized something:

ALL CHANGES THAT MATTER WILL BE HARD. I WILL FALTER FROM TIME TO TIME. GETTING BACK ON TRACK BY TRYING AGAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

We get so wrapped up (especially around the beginning of the year) in changing, doing, growing and moving that we tend to forget that the biggest part of change is forgiveness of self when we get discouraged and trying to keep going when we don't feel like it.

Why is this so hard to remember? A lot of us make plans for doing things differently, have a setback and then say fuck it and go back to business as usual. At least, I know I do.

I'm working on GETTING UP AGAIN WITHOUT PUTTING MYSELF DOWN FOR FALLING IN THE FIRST PLACE. So should you.

We're only human.

Change is hard.

We'll make mistakes.

Give yourself a break.

Keep trying.

What do you try to keep in mind when you have a setback?

Music Monday: I Will Not Be One Of Those People!

Well, welcome back to everyone who enjoyed a Thanksgiving break last week. Ours was pretty mundane; HUBS, PT and I went off to his parents' house to eat, talk and eat some more. I was surprised my mom came along, she's always invited to their various holiday celebrations, but has only gone once. She found out she would have a four day weekend, though, and it changed her mind.

Remember how I told you about my birthday last week? And how old I was feeling? Well, I've really got a lot of work to do now. I do not want to be one of those old people who takes medicine day and night, spends all their time at the doctor or who looks and feels older than they are. Aside from the birthday, the thing that's brought this on is my stupid sinus infection. I had to get another round of meds from the doctor, know what? If I count the vitamins I take, I know have seven daily rounds of health additives.

Um...I'm only 38! That's too many pills and sprays and gummy chews and oils for someone who's not even fucking 40 yet!

I cannot wait to be over this infection so I can go back to preventative medicine. While that will help me not feel so old, I also need a serious attitude adjustment. I know you're only as old as you feel, so I need to keep my mind and body active enough to slow the atrophying.

I'm declaring it here and now: I REFUSE TO AGE WITHOUT A GLORIOUS, FUN-FILLED FIGHT.


There! Take that, body and bad, depressive attitude!

Now, let's get pumped!









How do you keep feeling young?

Music Monday: Aaaaand, I'm Old!

So, I'm a year closer to middle age today. Congratulate me! I realize 38 is far from old these days, but I have not been feeling young at all. My issues? Let's make a list!

1) I've been getting nose bleeds. My nasal passages are super sensitive to dry heat, so I have trouble every winter once we turn the heat on anyway. But now, since my sinus infection, they've been worse. Even though I use a humidifier on high every night.

2) My skin won't stop breaking out. First it was my chin, then my forehead and my neck and my chin again. Ack!

3) My knees are killing me. They creak and pop and hurt whenever I sit down or get up. I've been exercising regularly for over a month, but it's not helping.

4) For the past week or so I've been exhausted. I'm wiped out by 11 pm nightly. Is this it for me? Do I need to start eating dinner at 5? This reminds me of two years ago when I realized I couldn't stay up all night anymore without being tired for an entire week afterwards. It was a crushing blow!

I have spent a quiet day trying to ignore all the stuff that's making me feel old and useless. What's that? You want another list. I can do that!

1) I did yoga and took a walk.

2) I danced naked to Bobby Brown's Every Little Step.

3) I watched two movies.

4) I ate free birthday food for lunch and plan to get more.

5) I ate dark chocolate fudge stripe cookies and dark chocolate pretzels.

6) I opened the windows and let the cool November air fill the house while I bundled up on the couch.

I know, not exactly an exciting day. But, music makes every day more interesting. Let's enjoy some!









How do you like to spend your birthday?

8 Things I Love That No One Needs Anymore

Maybe I'm old-fashioned or being naive, but some stuff just used to be better, funner or easier without much technological advancement. Here's my list of things I kind of miss, even if I don't still use them myself.

8 Things I Love That No One Needs Anymore

1) Tap Water: When did tap water become not-good-enough for people? I mean, sure, if you're someplace where the water tastes nasty or is nasty, pop open a bottle of distilled Alpine water that's been blessed by Buddhist monks. Otherwise, get a filter and drink the stuff from the faucet. Don't you know that there are millions of people around the world who would kill to have drinkable water flowing through their homes?! Use it, dammit!

2) CDs & DVDs: We're all about the digitally downloaded mp3, PDF, etc. now, and I admit that I rarely buy music anymore. But, I do love a hard copy with liner notes, lists or lyrics. It's a wonder anything ever gets made with all the people who have to be involved, and I like seeing who helped make my favorite stuff possible.

3) VCRs: I know, seriously old school. And if more than two things you wanted to see played simultaneously, you were screwed. But! It was so easy to use. I still have one even though it's been abandoned to the basement. I suppose this is me being nostalgic for my childhood, when VCRs were still new technology. Ours kept a lonely kid happy on my many uneventful nights. And for that, I love it still.

4) Books: I need books. It's that simple. Not a Kindle or Nook or whatthefuckever. BOOKS. I like the way they smell and feel and how words look on the page. I like how books sound when you thump them. Unlike the items in #2, I still buy books. Way too often, in fact. Sure, they take up a lot of space, but no one can accidentally delete them from your life if they're sitting on your shelf.

5) Cameras: I majored in photojournalism in college. Yet, of the 400 photos I've taken in the past three months, only about 12 of those have been with a stand alone camera. Even though I own six working cameras, I used my smartphone for every other shot. Oh, I still lust over fancy pants equipment. I'd just prefer to carry as little extra weight as possible when I don't need to have my real gear on me.

6) Film: Before smartphone photography took the world by storm, there was the digital camera revolution. Remember the thrill of knowing that every shot was a good one? Well, I say perfection can be boring. Why do you think all the photo apps on your phone have settings that mimic fucked up film shots? It's fun! Not quite knowing what you're going to get is exciting, and excitement is something most of us need more of.

7) Laptops: Yes, a tablet would be easier to carry. I'm already freed of heavy camera weight, though, so I've got poundage to spare for my portable friend. My newest model is named Siobhan and she's 16 months old. I'm serious. Stop laughing! I like to name stuff!

8) Pen & paper: I frequently write posts out longhand. Sometimes all the clickaty-clack and staring at a screen makes me feel disconnected from what I'm writing. Besides, if the world goes all Revolution on us, we are going to need to know how to write with our hands, people!

What do you love that people don't need anymore?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

My mom cared for my grandmother for 10 years of her life. For the last eight of those years, they lived together.

The most important thing for P.T. was my grandmother. While that's completely understandable and commendable, it meant mom did things like go a whole day without eating, forgetting to take her blood pressure pills and skipping her own doctor's appointments.

In short, P.T. lost her mind.

If there's one thing I've learned in the six weeks I had to help HUBS while he was on medical leave, it's that the person you love may be sick, but if you devote all your time to them you'll lose yourself, neglect yourself and get bitter.

Here are my tips for staying sane when caring for loved ones.

How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

1) Calm down. It's hard to be in pain. But I know that it's also incredibly difficult to watch someone else experience pain (especially if you love them and can't do anything to help them). Try to find constructive ways to release that anxiety. Scream into a pillow, punch a stuffed animal. Watch a reality show filled with stupid people (That's 99% of reality shows! You won't have trouble finding one!) and yell at the screen. Yessss...Better.

2) You matter, too. Get regular checkups. Take your medicine. Bathe, for God's sake. But! Don't just do the things you have to. If life is chock-a-block with responsibilities but no fun, you'll get miserable pretty damn fast. Find time to read your favorite magazines, work on your illustrations or have coffee with a friend. You'll be a better care-taker if you remember that your body and mind need nurturing too.

3) Don't fear boundaries. In order to get all this "me" time in between medication schedules, procedures and appointments, you might need to tell your patient that there are certain times of the day and/or week when you'll be doing your own thing. If taking a three hour bath while you drink wine and watch porn is the only thing that'll relax you, step up and let them know you need that time. You porn addicted winos, you.

4) Separate is not equal. If you're dealing with someone whose mental or physical functioning has dropped dramatically, it can be hard to separate them from their illness. Thereby making it easier to get mad when they do/say bone-headed things. Remember - they are not the illness. Now, if they constantly treat you like crap, that will need to be discussed. But, a bit of poor attitude is to be expected when a long-term debilitating condition sets in. Get mad at the condition and find a way to lighten the mood for both of you.

Are these steps easy? Not at all. Plus, it'll take some self-control not to fall back into a them-them-them mindset. But, as doing yoga and going to bed early have taught me as of late, you'll be glad you made the effort.

Have you ever cared for a sick family member or friend for a long period of time? Hit the comments and let us know how you coped.

Music Monday: It's In The Way You Use It

I love fall. I mean, love fall and its weather with a passion. I got the chance to drive around on Sunday and relax in the presence of pretty, pretty leaves. It was nice, and I hope you are all enjoying the cooler, more colorful days we're having.

HUBS is still in pain. He has now had two cortisone shots in his back and is taking some kind of muscle or nerve relaxant along with his pain meds. It's not helping. Plus, he had to go back to work as of today, where he had to stand in pain most of the day since sitting feels even worse.

I don't know what to do for him anymore and it hurts and makes me angry and sad and frustrated. As you can likely guess, it's doing wonders for my depression!

I mentioned before that I've been seeing a therapist again. On Saturday she suggested I talk to my doctor and go back on mood meds. Which made me cry. I'm not ashamed of taking drugs to feel more like a normal person, I just hoped I was done with that when I stopped taking Wellbutrin four years ago. But, considering the state of my unhappiness right now, and the fact that my therapist doesn't feel the tips in The Depression Cure alone can lift me to a normal level, I might as well.

Another thing screwing with my emotions? My stupid hair! To put it mildly, it's a 20 mule team cluster fuck up there. Oh, well. I'm going to keep trying new techniques to see if I can come out of this transition without going bald.

Enough of the pity party! Music!

I Am Not My Hair

Why is hair sometimes such an emotionally charged thing? Women are especially prone to worrying about this; since all men really have to deal with is the possibility of going bald, they do get it easier. But, women? We have a lot more to think about with regards to hair.

We worry ourselves over getting the right length, shape or color. Does it go with my skin tone? Does it make me look too old or too young? Does it look professional enough, or freeing enough? We endure mild forms of torture with a variety of chemicals and hot as hell tools to get it all just right. Or so we think.

Well, I am done. I stopped all the fussing with heat a few years ago. I simply got tired of trying. And now I've decided to stop with the chemicals. As of early this summer I stopped relaxing my hair, after 23 years of holding fast to unnaturally straight (for me) tresses.

For those of you who don't know, having your hair relaxed is no joke. That stuff is potent. If you leave relaxer on too long it can dissolve your hair or burn your skin. And yet, millions of women take the risk for kink-free strands.

We also blow dry or flat iron our hair into submission. And, many Black women will remember having their hair done in the kitchen as children with a hot comb. This was a metal comb that was sat on the open fire of a stove and then raked through the hair to straighten it. I know! It was insanely capable of burning the shit out of you if the person doing the combing wasn't really careful. Or if you moved. Oh, God. If you moved, forget about it!

My freshman year of college in 1993. Long before having to endure styling over bald spots.

My reasons for going natural were two-fold. In 2008 my hair fell out and it's never really recovered. I'm hoping that getting rid of the bi-monthly usage of harsh chemicals will help my hair finally grow back. (I did see a doctor who specializes in hair/scalp issues, by the way. None of the stuff he gave me helped.) Also? HUBS and I just couldn't afford the cost of upkeep anymore. It cost $50 every time I got my hair relaxed. Considering our previous financial situation, I actually started to feel guilty when I went to the salon. I was always thinking about the bills we could pay with that cash or the groceries we could buy.

The downside now? I'm embarrassed to say it, but I have no idea how to care for my natural hair texture or how to style it in this weird in-between stage. And I have no idea what to do with it once it's fully natural.

I was never good at futzing with my hair anyway. I've never had the arm strength for all that hands-over-head stuff that creative styling requires. Now? Thank God I own a lot of scarves, headbands and bobby pins, because I'm in some combination of those things daily.

So I'm waiting. Waiting for my hair to normalize. Waiting to figure out a way to look polished with whatever my kinky/curly hair will turn into when all the relaxer has grown out. Waiting for a new freedom that I wish I'd been brave enough to dive into ages ago.