Music Monday: Decisionary

Like the hot, hot fire in my belly...

I need to go to the doctor. Something has been wrong with me since 2008. For about a year I thought I'd just become more sensitive to food that wasn't prepared well, and was getting frequent bouts of food poisoning.

Then I started paying more attention. About four times a year, HUBS and I would eat the same thing ( I would eat less of it, even) and I would get horribly ill. It always hits either around 2 a.m. or 7 a.m. And?

IT'S VERY, VERY BAD.

It's the kind of ill where you're forced to spend two full hours in the bathroom. The kind of ill where once everything finally stops you're tired and sore for the rest of the day.

I've had several near misses so far this year; where I woke up, thought I was going to be sick, but was able to medicate it away with Rolaids or Tummy Drops. I had another one last night.

I must be allergic to something, but I have no idea what. I've gotten sick eating a wide variety of things: pasta sauce, salsa, BBQ spaghetti, baked un-breaded fish, chicken & dumplings, Mexican food, Arby's (that was last night). It's usually something I've had before and kept down just fine.

I have put this off for way too long, being worried about doctor visit copays and medical test copays. I have to just do this now and hope they find that something easily manageable is wrong with me. (Which I think they will. I mean, if something MAJOR was wrong it would have shown up in other ways after five years...I think.)

Wish me luck.

Happy Friday: Here I Go Again

There's nothing like the bone-chilling cold of a 19 degree morning to make you realize you're probably getting sick. After a week of avoiding an ill HUBS as much as possible and the copious use of Lysol, I have a sore throat, an ear ache and my head and neck are sore. Plus my stomach feels weird.

I'm going to crawl into bed, sleep for a long time and pray this is the worst it gets. But, first, I found some things online that might interest you.

1) Now that Beyonce has once again proven to the world that she can sing her ass off, let's look back at some of her wilder outfits and dance moves.

2) Sam the cat has eyebrows. And you will love him for it.

3) I had an odd relationship with the just-finished 30 Rock. Whenever I tuned in on purpose, it never failed to not make me laugh. But, if I happened upon the show while flipping channels or settled on it when nothing else was on? Hilarious! This list of silly life lessons from the show has me thinking of checking it out on Netflix, though.

4) You need to watch Paperman, the Oscar nominated Disney animated short. It will quite possibly be the brightest seven minutes of your day.

5) And, for additional funny...

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

That all for me. I hope you had a good week and have an even better weekend!

Music Monday: The Try

Ever feel like life is just a series of failed effort? That's how I'm feeling now. On Thursday I went to see an ear, nose & throat doc because I was doing everything my general doc told me to do but wasn't seeing my sinus infection get any better. I found out two important things on that visit.

1) Everything my GP told me to do was making me worse.
2) I don't actually even have a sinus infection!

So, yea for mis-diagnosis and taking meds that make you sicker! Now I'm putting double antibiotic up my nostrils, irrigating my nose (freaky) and taking a cheapo version of Mucinex. You know what? I'm actually getting better. After just four days. When I've been dealing with this nose crap for six months. Visits to specialists may cost $40 bucks a pop, but next time some weird shit goes down with my body that's where I'm headin'.

A lot of you really responded to my last post about dealing with change. I'm glad of that. Even as I am still mired in the seeming impossibleness of it all. Also, I've been taking care of a flu-ridden HUBS for the past few days (he's sleep-all-day-and-don't-eat sick, that's BIG for him), and in my effort to not get sick myself I've been (barely) sleeping on the couch and living in my own hazy, daydream kinda world.

But, now! The good thing about skipping Music Monday last week is that I've accumulated a lot of good music. I feel like sharing, people. Because it's easy.









Break me off some of that effort, friends. I think it's the stuff dreams are made of.

Music Monday: I Will Not Be One Of Those People!

Well, welcome back to everyone who enjoyed a Thanksgiving break last week. Ours was pretty mundane; HUBS, PT and I went off to his parents' house to eat, talk and eat some more. I was surprised my mom came along, she's always invited to their various holiday celebrations, but has only gone once. She found out she would have a four day weekend, though, and it changed her mind.

Remember how I told you about my birthday last week? And how old I was feeling? Well, I've really got a lot of work to do now. I do not want to be one of those old people who takes medicine day and night, spends all their time at the doctor or who looks and feels older than they are. Aside from the birthday, the thing that's brought this on is my stupid sinus infection. I had to get another round of meds from the doctor, know what? If I count the vitamins I take, I know have seven daily rounds of health additives.

Um...I'm only 38! That's too many pills and sprays and gummy chews and oils for someone who's not even fucking 40 yet!

I cannot wait to be over this infection so I can go back to preventative medicine. While that will help me not feel so old, I also need a serious attitude adjustment. I know you're only as old as you feel, so I need to keep my mind and body active enough to slow the atrophying.

I'm declaring it here and now: I REFUSE TO AGE WITHOUT A GLORIOUS, FUN-FILLED FIGHT.


There! Take that, body and bad, depressive attitude!

Now, let's get pumped!









How do you keep feeling young?

Music Monday: It's In The Way You Use It

I love fall. I mean, love fall and its weather with a passion. I got the chance to drive around on Sunday and relax in the presence of pretty, pretty leaves. It was nice, and I hope you are all enjoying the cooler, more colorful days we're having.

HUBS is still in pain. He has now had two cortisone shots in his back and is taking some kind of muscle or nerve relaxant along with his pain meds. It's not helping. Plus, he had to go back to work as of today, where he had to stand in pain most of the day since sitting feels even worse.

I don't know what to do for him anymore and it hurts and makes me angry and sad and frustrated. As you can likely guess, it's doing wonders for my depression!

I mentioned before that I've been seeing a therapist again. On Saturday she suggested I talk to my doctor and go back on mood meds. Which made me cry. I'm not ashamed of taking drugs to feel more like a normal person, I just hoped I was done with that when I stopped taking Wellbutrin four years ago. But, considering the state of my unhappiness right now, and the fact that my therapist doesn't feel the tips in The Depression Cure alone can lift me to a normal level, I might as well.

Another thing screwing with my emotions? My stupid hair! To put it mildly, it's a 20 mule team cluster fuck up there. Oh, well. I'm going to keep trying new techniques to see if I can come out of this transition without going bald.

Enough of the pity party! Music!

Music Monday: Bait & Switch

Rudy doesn't believe this either.

Well, well, well...Look who's shown up again on a Monday. These continue to be some of the most trying times HUBS and myself have had.

Luckily, my health issues are basically cleared up, and we're experiencing the kind of financial relief that can only be understood by anyone who's been unburdened of several thousands of dollars in debt.

But...

But, HUBS is still pretty bad off. He had an MRI last week and we found out he's got a bulging disk and another disk that about to bulge. He's been in tremendous pain for a full month and nothing has helped him get back to work or fix the problem enough so that he can live normally. Not the physical therapy, or the major pain medication, or the cortisone shot he had last Thursday which was directed right at his bad disks.

Actually, about that shot. The orthopedist told us it should take up to 48 hours for it to kick in and HUBS to experience some relief. He called the doc this morning, since, clearly, that didn't happen. What did the doctor tell him this time? That it could take up to a full week for the cortisone to work.

You know what? If that was the maximum amount of time for him to get back to some semblance of normal, why did he not tell us that before, during or immediately after HUBS got the shot? On top of that, this doctor apparently makes it a policy to never take people off work for injuries like this. So, now HUBS is using sick days to cover his time off, because if the doc won't sign off on staying at home worker's comp won't pay for it.

I SMELL A CONSPIRACY! WORKER'S COMP SENT US TO THIS DOCTOR FOR TREATMENT, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO NOT REMOVE PEOPLE FROM WORK DUTIES. MEANING, HE'S EFFECTIVELY SAVING THE WORKER'S COMP PEOPLE MONEY. REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A GOOD MOVE FOR THE PATIENT TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Yeah, I said it! I'm on to you medical conspiracy fuckers!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest! Let's listen to some music now, I need to calm down...

Heal Thyself!

So, aside from trying to get better and help HUBS get better this past month, I've also been reading a book that was suggested to me by a reader of this blog (Thanks, Jeri!).

The Depression Cure was written by a doctor who created a drug-free program to help people kick their depression symptoms in the ass.

What I love most about the program is that everything is doable, inexpensive or free and based on some pretty simple ideas. Since we tend to close ourselves off from life when we're depressed, we end up making things worse because, guess what? We need to get some exercise, hang out with people, sleep a solid part of the night, go outside and see the sun and do things we enjoy so that we stop dwelling on our problems (perceived and real).

I haven't fully implemented all of his ideas, mostly because there's still a bit of upheaval around these parts, but I am happy about what I've been able to do so far.

1) I'm taking an omega 3 supplement because it's been shown to help with mood.

2) I've been using Breathe Right strips since Friday, and they have greatly helped my ability to sleep through the night. (With the exception of Monday night, when I was up for an hour and 40 minutes dealing with a bout of food poisoning. I'm done with you, Applebee's.)

3) Now that it's cooler outside, I've been spending a lot more time outside in the sun. Not purposely soaking up the sun, but not actively staying to the shadows when I'm outside, either.

4) With all our HUBS medical trips of the past few weeks, I've probably talked to more people this month than I have all summer. Even though doing so much of it was annoying at times, I know it's better than locking myself away in my cat-filled house on a daily basis.

5) I let HUBS talk me into swimming last week. His physical therapist said it would be good for his back and leg, and he found a place with a whirlpool, sauna and steam room to help with my congestion that we could try for free. And, you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was free. We went in the middle of the week at night so hardly anyone was there. The pool was a balmy 84 degrees so it didn't shock to get into or out of. The whirlpool without bubbles was to die for. You have my heart Jewish Community Center. You. Have. My. Heart.

6) I've become completely absorbed in the games on my phone. Ruminating is one thing that will make depression worse every time. I needed to get my mind off things and turned to my neglected game apps. It has worked tremendously. I even had HUBS futz with my phone to give me more storage space so I could add more games. I'm loving the freedom it's giving my brain!

I plan to do more as I feel better. Honestly, I feel like I have some control over my symptoms for the first time in my life. If nothing else, this program works just by giving me hope of being able to beat this thing. Plus, I'll have a nice list of steps I can take to make things better when I start to get down.

If you're battling the blues or full blown depression, I cannot say enough to recommend getting your hands on this book. I really believe it will help.

Do you have any tried and true methods for beating back the blues? I'd love to hear them, so share in the comments!

Happy Friday: Normalcy Is A Tricky Thing

HUBS and I are both sick. I have some sort of sinus infection that I've been battling for a month, while HUBS hurt his back last month and has been in so much pain for the past two weeks that he's been on worker's comp leave for almost the whole time and will likely have at least another week off.

As you might remember, I'm not currently working. But when I do, I work at home. Driving long distances in rush hour traffic are no longer a part of my DNA. HUBS' injury has lead to an amount of (almost) daily driving that has been unprecedented in my life for the past four years.

And, since I'm semi-sleep deprived and completely unused to driving a lot, this has been a difficult time. HUBS is cranky 'cause he's in pain and no one really knows what's causing the pain. I'm cranky 'cause I'm essentially running errands every day and I've been congested for a month and I'm not sleeping enough.

Blah.

I say all this to explain my light posting and attention to all your blogs as of late. I plan to go to the doctor some time next week, which will hopefully cure at least some of my issues and lead to a clearer head and more internet time.

Plus! We do have good news. HUBS' excellently supportive parents have generously relieved us of a tremendous amount of financial responsibility. So, we have some breathing room that we need to plan out lest we end up in a ridiculous amount of money trouble again. Which is causing tiny panic attacks every time I think about it, but I suppose I'll get over that soon.

Enough about my crap! Let's see what I've been missing online...

1) Babies belong to gangs now? I'm horrified...And filled with laughter.

2) Sports fans will likely go nutty over this exhaustive list of every team logo ever. They even cover rugby!

3) Planning a fall trip to Copenhagen but never been abroad before? Here's a great list of all the things you'll need to keep in mind. There are two more parts if you want more help.

4)I've been in a forced foggy-headed internet vacation for most of two weeks, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by online life you shouldn't fear tuning out for a bit. 12 Most gives you some inspiration for shutting down and living off line.

5) If you're trying to eat healthy, this list of the Top 10 Superfoods could help you out.

Phew! This was a lot of interneting for one day. Now I need a nap. Have a great weekend, everyone!

That's How It Goes

HUBS' grandfather has liver cancer. In one week he went from being basically fine to not really recognizing his family. Since he's 91 years old (his birthday is actually in a couple of weeks) and the cancer wasn't found until it was very far along, there's no treatment that wouldn't make things much worse for him. Right now his family is just trying to keep him comfortable.

On Easter, HUBS and I met his parents at the house Grandaddy G shares with HUBS' uncle. We had the annual Easter dinner there without any of the usual fanfare. It was just us five around the table eating as his Grandaddy G rested in the hospital bed that hospice workers brought for him.

When we were about to eat dessert, a priest came to give him last rites. Apparently he was just coherent enough to follow what was going on and mouth responses at the appropriate times, but I didn't notice this. I was too busy trying not to cry, especially once HUBS' mom teared up.

I know how important that is to Catholics. Part of me was afraid that whatever is keeping Grandaddy G here would have its hold loosened by the rites and he'd die soon after. I've never seen anyone or thing that was significant to me or a loved one die. Not my grandmother, uncle, cousin or even Luanne. I was slightly terrified of being around for that. And so was HUBS.

There was a moment on Saturday when his parents had called and said Grandaddy G was doing badly and we should come over then, just in case he didn't make it to Easter. HUBS didn't want to go. He didn't want to be part of a death vigil; watching his beloved grandfather (his last grandparent, by the way) slowly fade away while he and the rest of us did nothing, because there was nothing we could do.

He also didn't want to know he might die and not try to get there to see him one last time. HUBS was torn. To the point where it, this horrible situation that many of us will come to at some point, made him angry. I told him he didn't have to go. I told him not to think about what his parents, sister, cousins, uncles or anyone else might say to him if he decided not to go. What was important was that he'd be able to look back on this day, and be alright if Grandaddy G died and he decided not to be there.

As we got ready to leave Saturday, he called his parents back and found out that his grandfather was doing much better. Well enough that his mom told us not to worry about the two hour drive that night, but to wait until Sunday as was originally planned. HUBS was clearly relieved.

Yesterday, his parents and uncle moved Grandaddy G into a nursing home in their small Mid-Missouri town. The same one that has taken care of two of HUBS' other ailing grandparents once the family couldn't care for them anymore. HUBS came home from work feeling tired, ignored, frustrated, disrespected...Sadness makes everything bad feel worse.

Music Monday: Mono Is Kicking My Ass

Well, y'all it's been a chilly, grey, rainy day (totally unlike the photo) and my Monopalooza has clearly turned into something much more evil. I've now been sick (That's me being gentle so you folks don't have to think about me being trapped in the bathroom for three hours at a time...Oops...) three times in about a month. The last two incidents happened yesterday *yowza* and this morning *egad* when I was this close to getting my assignment done super early.

As much as I hate to go back to the doctor two months after getting my mono diagnosis, I am obviously not well. Who knows, maybe she can give me something to settle my stomach, or at least give me some ideas for natural, at-home remedies I can use.

In much better news? The Cardinals are headed to the World Series! We got enough free lunch this Sunday to feed both HUBS and myself! We wet to church again! I made peanut butter cookies with chocolate and peanut butter chips, ate four of them and didn't throw them up!

Now! On to the music! I'm still on an oldie kick, so enjoy the past, lovelies!*









*It's possible I've used one exclamation point too many.

A Lot...And Yet, Not So Much

Luanne: our little Elizabethan poet.

Well, my holy fucking Lord. This has been quite a couple of weeks. I'm gonna break things down into bullet points so my weary mind can process the info as easily as possible.

-Kitten Update: They opened their eyes last week on the same day I took Luanne to the vet specialist. Today I noticed that one of them was cleaning a paw, so they're starting to pick up good kitty habits. Also last week? Miller's kitty mama instincts kicked into high gear and she moved the kittens from the safe, clean, padded box we made for her.

I heard kitty yelping and went downstairs to find that Miller had somehow moved the box a good 15 feet. The box was upside down and her BlackKitten was half trapped underneath. I moved the box and she ran off with BlackKitten. Where did she move them, you're wondering? To my 20 year old base drum that can best be described as a dusty bug graveyard. Oh, well. At least they're all safe.



-Luanne Update: I took Luanne to the specialist last Tuesday and was told that she simply wasn't getting enough food or water via forced syringe. We had to have a feeding tube installed. It made feeding and giving her water a lot easier. Luckily she hasn't had any complications from the surgery.

As I was in the waiting room, I noticed that her left eye was cloudy. I started to panic, and, naturally, my mind went straight to cancer: What the fuck! God, please don't let her have retinoblastoma! What if that's really why she stopped eating! Please don't let her go blind!

Guess what else happened? After we spent almost $2,000 getting her a feeding tube and fancy diagnostic tests she decided to start eating again. The. Very. Next. DAY. That's our little Luanne cat. Perfect fuckin' timing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she's doing a bit of eating on her own. But, that procedure took up a huge chunk of living expenses. And! Feeding her via tube, while easier, is still no picnic. For a few days I was doing 4 feedings a day, plus cleaning the opening in her belly twice a day. There's a whole specific procedure that goes along with this thing. It's time consuming and tiring.

The specialist had given her a new antibiotic and after one dose of that fucker she could smell her food and was basically back to breathing normally. Obviously, if she ever gets sick again, we're going right for the Zeniquin. We're now down to two feedings a day, thank God. Hopefully, within the next week or so, we can get her tube taken out.

-Me Update: I'm not sure what exact parameters are used when people say "I threw my back out," but I do know that last Thursday, Friday and Saturday I was in an awesome amount of pain. Until the incident I was doing pretty good. I'd done some stretching and yoga Thursday morning and was feeling sort of strong and capable and less tired. Then I took a couch nap. When I tried to get up a couple of hours later I moved funny or twisted wrong or somehow angered God Almighty and the Devil, because I was suddenly fucked.

Every position hurt: sitting, standing, bending, laying on my stomach, back or either side, moving or being still. I took two Excedrin, which did precisely N.O.T.H.I.N.G. and went to bed in semi-agony. I returned to my old standby, Advil, Friday morning and was hoping to have a relatively easy day of feedings and nappings to rest my back. Especially since I had to get up at the ass fucking crack of dawn ( I've said fuck a lot in this post, haven't I? Indeed, and it's completely appropriate in every instance. Word.) to take Julia in to get fixed. (By the way, that surgery went fine. Except for the tapeworm they had to call me about that afternoon. Yay! Additional expenses!)

Not so fast, Jackson! I was almost done with Luanne's first feeding when the food stopped going through the tube and the syringe kept popping out and spewing food all over the place. I tried massaging the tube where it met her skin, like her nurse suggested if the tube got blocked. But, it didn't work. They also suggest forcing 5 to 10 cc's of carbonated beverage into the tube to help clear it. Guess who didn't have any soda in the house? Can you also guess who had to get her hurtin' ass to Walmart and looked like a crack head while doing so? Ooh, you guys ah wicked smaaaaat.

I also had to rush Luanne back to the specialist when her tube got blocked again on Monday. This time I really couldn't fix it. They had to loosen the flange that keeps the tube from slipping too far in. Luckily, her weight was good, her eyes were mostly cleared and her nurse gave me an A for keeping things clean. That's all amazingly good news, but we all know that sudden doctor's appointments are stressful, right? I will be so, so glad when everyone is totally healthy again.

Speaking of which, I was also constipated for about a week. I know, I know! Y'all just love to hear about constipation. It fills your hearts and makes your lives sing! My point is that I think stress and back pain caused it. Isn't it horrible how stress and pain fuck with all kinds of things that aren't directly related to the stressor, or the area of pain?

On the up side, A couple of days ago I started feeling like a real person again. I even exercised for over a half hour yesterday. EEee!

-HUBS Update: We haven't had sex in over a month. I feel really bad about it, but I also feel too tired and bothered with other stuff to give sex any effort. A therapist might help, but that shit ain't free, unfortunately.

God, I'm tired just going over it all. Enjoy your Thursday night TV folks! And, as always, thanks for listening.

Music Monday! Phew...

Let's see:

- Luanne is still sick and is going to see a specialist tomorrow morning. Cost for just the appointment? $120.

- I got an email this morning that the mom of my friend from college who was the lady of honor at my wedding (matron sounded too old) has kidney cancer was having surgery today.

- Tux won't stop hissing at Julia whenever we bring him upstairs to integrate him into the rest of the cat population.

- I'm exhausted from taking care of Luanne, never
feel like cooking and therefore we're spending way too much money eating out.

- I'm damn near out of anytime minutes on my cell until the 20th.

- My feet will not stop stinking! I swear, I shower and they just laugh at me.

- Gas prices are expected to get to $4 this summer. You know, soon.

- People are paying good money to see Charlie Sheen do nothing special on stage when some actors and musicians are dying to get time on any stage anywhere.

- Japan had another earthquake.

- I feel blobby.

Sure, some of these things are a lot worse than the others, but dammit I need to be uplifted!

It's hard to feel like crap when you watch Pocoyo. Bask in the glow, y'all.

Music Monday! I Don't Believe I'm Thinking Correctly

I can honestly say that I would like for everyone who cares about animals even the tiniest bit to pray for our little Luanne cat. I thought we were going to have to hospitalize her today, but the doctor said we were doing such a good job force feeding and watering and medicating her that it wouldn't be worth the money, since they'd just do the exact same stuff.

The vet said it's possible that the antibiotic shot they gave her was ineffective because her body only reacts to the stuff that made her well when we first got her. So, she gave me some of that, told me to up her water intake and said that if Luanne wasn't better in two to three days she'd set us up with a specialist to do some fancy, outrageously expensive tests.

Again? Please pray that this new drug will work, Luanne's nose will clear up, she'll smell her food and eat/drink on her own like a good little kitty girl.



In other news, I forgot to tell you guys that we took in a fifth cat. I know! I. KNOW. But we couldn't take the chance that Miller would get picked up by Trapper and then put down just because she's pregnant. So, on Friday morning of the week Trapper was taking all the strays, we pulled her into the house before anyone could see.

The kicker is that while all this Luanne stuff was going on today (that vet appointment took two full hours) Miller was busy preparing to give birth. I went into the basement to do laundry and noticed that Miller's water was slowly breaking as she moved around. She finally laid in the box we made for her and began...flexing? Yeah, let's just call it flexing.



That was an hour and a half ago. I had to come up to eat and haven't checked back yet, but I figure we'll have kittens by morning. EEEEEEeeeee! My delirium is right...

Weekend Report

Saturday, past about 9 am? Felt like I'd swallowed one of these.

Today is Tuesday. After a boring day at work that went by blissfully fast (I was in an area where I couldn't see the clock. That actually helped a lot.) I got called off for today, which means I'm currently at home.

So far I've done 4 loads of laundry and gone through over 500 neglected emails. Not bad for 4 hours of awakeness and doing-stuff.

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Mine was ok. HUBS and I took my mom out to his parents place for the annual Easter dinner. Mom had never been out there before because of taking care of my grandmother. I was a bit surprised she agreed to go and didn't back out. When I talked to her that morning, she sounded quite down. This is the first holiday without my grandmother and it's been almost a year to the day since my uncle died. She didn't say it, but I know that stuff was weighing on her.

Everything went fine, but my day was only ok for two reasons. First, I was a bit afraid to eat. Why? Because on Saturday, after taking almost the whole week off "sick", I really did get sick. Big sick. Doing-scary-things-in-the-bathroom-that-no-one-wants-to-think-about sick. I was trapped in there for about an hour. Unfortunately, the thing that seemed to irritate my stomach this time involved jalapenos. Just so you know, spicy in = 1,000 times spicier coming out. It took a full day for my throat to stop burning.

The second reason I wasn't that great was because I knew I'd have to go back to work Monday. I actually almost started crying during the car ride home.

Really? I'm going to try to stop complaining about my job in this space now. I've just realized I'm tired of it. That probably means you're getting tired of it, too. Of course, if anything completely outlandish happens you can totally expect me to tell you about it!

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On a completely different note, HUBS and I went to see Clash of the Titans Saturday after I recovered for a few hours. I found it exciting and enjoyable. We also walked around the mall a bit, which wore me out a lot more than I was expecting. We managed to finally get HUBS a new pair of glasses, something that's been on our list since January. Rectangularish, gray frames will be a new look for him. I'll submit a photo when he's all glassed up.

Ick

Prettiest fungus ever.

I've been working pretty steadily for about 6 weeks now. Time at work=money for us. But it also seems to equal something else.

In those past 6 weeks I've gotten more rashes, zits that won't go away and funguses than ever before. You already knew I worked in a filthy warehouse, now my body knows it too.

I itch more than ever before and in strange places. Thigh and neck areas that don't even touch the filth. (Although, we worked with fiberglass a couple of weeks ago and I did manage to get some in my neck. Yay.) Also? Every skin issue I've ever had has re-occurred recently. That means that all at one fucking time I've been subjected to athletes foot, jock itch (Yes! So feminine and sexy!), and a yeast infection. And, I'm pretty sure the mole on my neck that's been the same small size for five years is actually growing.

I am now a living petri dish of awesome.

Stress

I feel your pain, Zebra. I feel your pain...

First off let me report that I'm working again. The warehouse called me back almost two weeks ago and then made me a permanent temp (meaning no more getting called off when they run out of work, I go in every day.) So, for the meantime HUBS and I have some hope of financial survival.

For the past two years (yes, it's been a full TWO YEARS since I left my job in the hopes of finding my true work) living without a second steady income in the house has been exceptionally difficult. There's been depression, anger, massive anger, sadness, extreme sadness, hopelessness and every other negative emotion you can imagine.

Mostly, though, there's just been stress. Stress for me. Stress for HUBS. Stress for the air around us at any given moment. They say stress can cause physical symptoms and after two years of dealing with high levels of it, I completely believe it.

In these past two years I've:

1) Had a significant portion of my hair fall out.
2) Suffered extremely disturbing nightmares on an almost nightly basis.
3) Gotten the flu even though I rarely leave the house.
4) Gotten food poisoning three times, when I had previously only had it four times in the past 33 years.
5) Had chest pains that went away as soon as I got called back to the warehouse.
6) Had liver problems.
7) Been diagnosed with a skin condition I'd never heard of but my dermatologist says is quite common, pityriasis rosea, which causes dry, dark, itchy blotches over large areas of the torso (yes, it's as sexy as it sounds).
8) Suffered through a period in 2008 with a weeping wound in a very personal area that was caused by God-only-knows-what (again, so, so sexy).
9) Had several bouts of severe lower back pain.
10)Had random stomach pains.
11)Gotten bloody noses because of dried up nostrils/sinuses.
12)Gotten more chin hairs that required yanking (I know this is more likely due to aging, but at this point how is stress not a good thing to blame?)
13)Lost most interest in sex.
14)Spent a period of two weeks where I woke up from a good night's sleep crying every. single. morning.
15)Stomach problems that led to bathroom problems which led to lots of plunging and me deciding to buy stock in whoever makes Quilted Northern to possibly get some of my money back.

I may have even forgotten some stuff, but this is a pretty complete list that takes us up to now. Since the new year I've been meditating, deep breathing and trying to concentrate on the basis of what I want for me and HUBS: for us to be healthy, wealthy and happy. It's actually helping me deal with the stress of having another job I dislike to make money and dig us out of our unemployment-caused financial hole. I actually feel happier and less freaked out.

And I'm looking for better paying work (I only get $7.50 an hour at the warehouse). I interviewed last week for a receptionist job at a radio station. That'll pay lots more and I won't have to stand all day. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

What has extreme stress caused in you before?

Update: I totally forgot about October's athlete's foot travesty. Holy Jesus, y'all! I would literally wake up in the middle of the night because my feet itched so bad. God, I'm glad that's over.

Ok, I Can Breathe Now

This plant is currently unbloomed (of course), but the photo fits my lighter, more hopeful mood.

I got the results of the second blood test for my liver issue on Monday. My enzyme level has gone down to 72, which is still too high but a lot better than 153. It's looking more and more, to me anyway, that it's just because I was sick. The nurse I talked to last Friday said that could be the reason.

Even so, I've been ordered not to drink alcohol until after my check up on December 30, when my doc will take more blood and redo the test again to see if it's gone down more. I am fine with that. I told my editor at the online magazine where I do bar reviews what was going on, and I was so glad he didn't freak out about me not being able to drink.

Also, I am glad that it no longer looks like I might have something seriously wrong with me.
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By the way, I had a job interview for a part-time receptionist job a couple of weeks ago that I did not get. I had to talk to two people that day, and I think the second one saw through my I'd-love-to-stay-here-a-long-time-in-this-position bullshit (they were looking for someone to do part-time for about a year and then move to full time permanently).

And, that's sorta ok. In fact, it's real ok, because I've just applied for three writing jobs that could be very cool. And I've got an interview for one tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Fit

I wish the title of this post referred to my firm inner thighs and tight abs, but unfortunately I'm talking about the kind of fit you have instead of are.

For a while earlier this year I was having a lot of these, throwing things and yelling and such. I had one again last night. This time, though, I hit HUBS in the stomach and when he said "Hey, what the fuck?" and backed away I threw a bag of crackers at him. Dammit.

Why did I get so upset? He'd just come home, right before 9pm, after saying he'd be home at 5:30 and then saying he'd really be home at 7:30. I had just finished eating without him (I hadn't had anything but toast all day; I tried to eat soup after I found out about the liver thing, but I think I was too worried to eat. So, after getting sick to my stomach I took about a 4 hour nap.).

I was mad that even though I'd called him and told him about the medical stuff, he didn't seem worried, or to care that I was worried. I was really hoping that he'd be home early so I could talk to him and be comforted and such. Plus? My computer keeps crashing and had just done so. So I wasn't able to get started on the story I'd been procrastinating on, like I'd wanted to.

It was one of those feelings like nothing is ever going to be right again. We literally never have any money for anything other than bills anymore, and are dangerously close to having no credit left either. We even had to take a cash advance from one of my cards last week to avoid getting overdraft fees in our checking account and to have some money for something. I really just can't seem to find a job. I put in four applications for retail places on Monday and no one has even called.

Nothing feels right. And, yeah, I was taking some undeservered stuff out on HUBS when I hit him, but I also feel like he hasn't been caring for me like he should. We've talked about this at least 3 times since I've been sick this month. I know he's been working insane hours to make overtime money for us, but when I was sick he still had to be asked and told to do things for me.

I mean, I got dizzy everytime I bent over and I still had to request that he do a little laundry. Do you realize how hard it is to go down a flight of stairs (to the basement) when you're weak and dizzy? He wouldn't so much as load the dishwasher without my prompting. Until I yelled at him. Got angry and told him to "help me dammit!"

Do you know he wouldn't even go get me a hamburger? Just a plain McDonald's hamburger. He didn't come out and say no, it was more like "Well, let's just wait and see after I finish this and we can go together blah blah blah." Fuck, I didn't feel like leaving the house. Basically, after a hard, long week at work he was finally getting to goof off online like he likes to and didn't want to deal with me (which he actually said to me, though not in so many words) when I asked him a whopping 4 hours later why he didn't just go get me a God damn burger already? Oh, and I happened to confront him about this when we were finally on the way to getting my burger, after I'd been hungry for, yes, FOUR HOURS.

I don't think I'm being outrageous here, to expect a little care from my husband when I get ill. Especially since I literally do everything for him when he's sick, and he gets sick A LOT. I even stuck by him when he got some flu-like thing a few months after we got together, when he thought he, wait for it...MIGHT HAVE AIDS. Yeah, and honestly, I think he deserved to get hit a little, though not for everything I hit him for.

This no-job-no-money-no-credit pressure is too much after 22 months of unemployment. I think we need counseling.

What The Fuck Now?

So, my doctor's office called today about the blood work I had done yesterday. Something's wrong with my liver. There's some enzyme that's supposed to be at 40, but my level is something like 153. I have to go in for more blood work tomorrow.

I'm a little bit scared.

Oh, Thank God

After getting the flu suddenly the day after my mom's birthday about two weeks ago, I finally feel a bit like a real person again.

I was fine on Tuesday. But as soon as I woke up Wednesday I had severe body aches, a roaring headache and dizziness. Do you know how unpleasant it is to get dizzy every time you bend down or stand up. It makes doing pretty much everything really hard. And a bit dangerous.

Also not good for someone who makes a scant living reviewing food? I could eat, but very little tasted right. There were three options with food: tasting basically ok, tasting like an old tree stump or tasting like something that might make me vomit. Even now, there are some things I kinda can't stand the idea of. Milk, oatmeal and ice cream being the prominent three of those things.

On the up side, I have lost weight. I tried to put on my favorite jeans (size 22) yesterday and they slid right off without me unbuttoning or unzipping them. So, yea for the flu?*

I started exercising again yesterday, but totally by accident. I went to the mall to drop off some job applications and pick up a few more. Therefore I ended up doing a lot of walking. Which totally wore me out for the rest of the day. I'm still sorta fatigued, which I hate. I did manage to do 30 minutes of toning/light walking today, so hopefully that'll help. I'm also going to the doc tomorrow for a check up, maybe he can tell me what else I can do to fully kick this thing.

Unfortunately we have other sick beings in our house, too. But I'll let you in on those tomorrow.

*By the by, my skin after a bout of fever? Excellent!