Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

That's How It Goes

HUBS' grandfather has liver cancer. In one week he went from being basically fine to not really recognizing his family. Since he's 91 years old (his birthday is actually in a couple of weeks) and the cancer wasn't found until it was very far along, there's no treatment that wouldn't make things much worse for him. Right now his family is just trying to keep him comfortable.

On Easter, HUBS and I met his parents at the house Grandaddy G shares with HUBS' uncle. We had the annual Easter dinner there without any of the usual fanfare. It was just us five around the table eating as his Grandaddy G rested in the hospital bed that hospice workers brought for him.

When we were about to eat dessert, a priest came to give him last rites. Apparently he was just coherent enough to follow what was going on and mouth responses at the appropriate times, but I didn't notice this. I was too busy trying not to cry, especially once HUBS' mom teared up.

I know how important that is to Catholics. Part of me was afraid that whatever is keeping Grandaddy G here would have its hold loosened by the rites and he'd die soon after. I've never seen anyone or thing that was significant to me or a loved one die. Not my grandmother, uncle, cousin or even Luanne. I was slightly terrified of being around for that. And so was HUBS.

There was a moment on Saturday when his parents had called and said Grandaddy G was doing badly and we should come over then, just in case he didn't make it to Easter. HUBS didn't want to go. He didn't want to be part of a death vigil; watching his beloved grandfather (his last grandparent, by the way) slowly fade away while he and the rest of us did nothing, because there was nothing we could do.

He also didn't want to know he might die and not try to get there to see him one last time. HUBS was torn. To the point where it, this horrible situation that many of us will come to at some point, made him angry. I told him he didn't have to go. I told him not to think about what his parents, sister, cousins, uncles or anyone else might say to him if he decided not to go. What was important was that he'd be able to look back on this day, and be alright if Grandaddy G died and he decided not to be there.

As we got ready to leave Saturday, he called his parents back and found out that his grandfather was doing much better. Well enough that his mom told us not to worry about the two hour drive that night, but to wait until Sunday as was originally planned. HUBS was clearly relieved.

Yesterday, his parents and uncle moved Grandaddy G into a nursing home in their small Mid-Missouri town. The same one that has taken care of two of HUBS' other ailing grandparents once the family couldn't care for them anymore. HUBS came home from work feeling tired, ignored, frustrated, disrespected...Sadness makes everything bad feel worse.

Television! Television!

Unless you've been under a mossy rock for the past week and a half, you know we've been getting new fall TV shows. Yay! I've been watching as many as possible and hopefully by the end of next month I'll have a few new faves that I can look forward to each week.

Here's what I've seen so far:



Ringer: I cannot tell you how intriguing it was to find out that Buffy herself was coming back to TV. I missed the second episode, but plan to catch up online. I found this story of identical twins with screwy back stories interestingly twisty and something I can see myself getting into.

Up All Night: Normally a show about new parents probably wouldn't appeal to me. But, the average show about the newly parented doesn't generally star the likes of Christina Applegate, Will Arnett and Maya Rudolph, does it? I have to admit that I was hoping the show would be funnier than it's ended up being so far. But! I will keep watching for a few weeks to see if it amps up the laughs.

Free Agents: I wasn't planning on watching this one, but decided to give it a shot anyway. Again, not outrageously funny so far, but everyone is so likeable I find it hard to turn away during an episode. It's pleasant and just amusing enough, so, for now, it stays on my radar.

The Secret Circle: Oh, Jesus. We've got another teen supernatural show on our hands, folks. I never got into Vampire Diaries, but I've seen enough of it to know that The Secret Circle looks and feels just like it. It wasn't horrible, but one viewing is positively all I need.



2 Broke Girls: This one was another nice comedy that didn't knock me out laughing. If you've seen the previews you know the girls in question are a sassy brunette and a stuck up blonde. But the thing I really liked about it (and PT...and HUBS) was that the blonde is actually smart, industrious and rather tough. We all thought for sure she'd be dumb and so rich-bitchy that she'd begrudge her waitressing gig and hardly work. I'm so glad to have a sitcom surprise me! That's enough reason to keep giving this one a try for a while.

New Girl: Now, here's a comedy that really did it for me. I'm willing to put aside the improbability of someone as cute as Zooey Deschanel not being able to get a guy, because she and everyone around her brought the funny. If you haven't seen this one you should check it out.

The X Factor: Wow. Just...Wow. As soon as this singing competition went off for the night I wished it was still on. It was that compelling and entertaining. And? Simon didn't piss me off once last night. Fabulous!

Revenge: Oh, my. We're still trying the glittery night-time soap, are we? I must say, I either hated or couldn't have given less of a shit about any of these characters. I also don't know how they could possibly keep things going for more than a season. I wish Everwood was still on.

I'm looking forward to about six more new shows, airing through October 30, plus I'm watching all my returning faves (P&R!) and looking into other new shows. Is there anything better than curling up on the couch with a warm piece of pie and a good TV show? Is there?

What new fall shows have you liked so far? What are you still looking forward to?


All photos, here