Motivation In Movement; Friday Fix Mix #2

Via Live Bold & Bloom

I've been doing a lot of research the past month or so. I'm looking for answers; trying to figure out how to blast through my depression on a daily basis, stay motivated, hopeful and even bring some excitement (cash flow be dammed) to my too small life.

One of the answers, aside from doing something, even something small, to move yourself and your goals forward is to apply that to meaningful work. Work that you not only enjoy, but that you feel adds something positive to the world, whether that's for the world at large or just a few people.

I found a post on the blog Barking Up The Wrong Tree titled "How To Be Motivated: 4 New Insights From Research" that crystallizes these ideas and tells you how keep your motivation up when you feel yourself turning into a donkey and not giving a shit about anything any more. I loved it; it's helped; and I hope it helps you too.

Now, let's get to some music! Enjoy!

Friday Fix Mix #2



America "You Can Do Magic"
Rival Sons "Pressure and Time"
The Breeders "Cannonball"
The Cardigans "I Need Some Fine Wine and You, You To Be Nicer"
Stereophonics "Have A Nice Day"
Powderfinger "(Baby I've Got You) On My Mind"
The Breakfast Club "Right On Track"
Kelly Clarkson "Heartbeat Song"
Fall Out Boy "Centuries"
Citizen Cope "Bullet and A Target"
Florence + The Machine "What Kind Of Man" (This one is a slow burn, skip 2:50 in for the music to really get going!)
Demi Lovato "Give Your Heart A Break"

Louisville & Nashville: People

I like shooting candid shots. I've developed a skill for putting my camera on continuous shooting mode, holding my camera down low or up high and taking pictures without anyone knowing. You catch cool stuff that way.

I miss going on photo walks. I won't be doing that now, of course, because it's too damn hot. But now that I'm not locking myself up in the house anymore, I'll have to get back into it this fall. It feels good to have new pics to show people.



Actually, there's a lot I need to get back into. I'd like to be able to blame this on the heat, but I've pooped out on those lists I made at the beginning of the year. Day to day life and my tendency to tuck myself into my comfort zone have led to, well, basically the same ol' me.

The same old me isn't horrible, it's just not as cool and fun-loving and free and determined as I would like.



It has me wondering. Can anyone really change? We all have our wild hopes and dreams. When we don't reach them, it usually seems that the reason is us, ourselves, the person who wanted to change enough to hit a goal in the first place.

The what-ifs always bog me down. Maybe you're what-ifs are positive, but mine are always negative. Now I'm thinking What if trying harder isn't in my nature? What if my view of the future is so dim that I won't be able to really accomplish anything no matter what I do? What if I have so little faith in myself that I'll continue to stand in my way?









What if, what if...What are your what-ifs?

Music Monday: The Try

Ever feel like life is just a series of failed effort? That's how I'm feeling now. On Thursday I went to see an ear, nose & throat doc because I was doing everything my general doc told me to do but wasn't seeing my sinus infection get any better. I found out two important things on that visit.

1) Everything my GP told me to do was making me worse.
2) I don't actually even have a sinus infection!

So, yea for mis-diagnosis and taking meds that make you sicker! Now I'm putting double antibiotic up my nostrils, irrigating my nose (freaky) and taking a cheapo version of Mucinex. You know what? I'm actually getting better. After just four days. When I've been dealing with this nose crap for six months. Visits to specialists may cost $40 bucks a pop, but next time some weird shit goes down with my body that's where I'm headin'.

A lot of you really responded to my last post about dealing with change. I'm glad of that. Even as I am still mired in the seeming impossibleness of it all. Also, I've been taking care of a flu-ridden HUBS for the past few days (he's sleep-all-day-and-don't-eat sick, that's BIG for him), and in my effort to not get sick myself I've been (barely) sleeping on the couch and living in my own hazy, daydream kinda world.

But, now! The good thing about skipping Music Monday last week is that I've accumulated a lot of good music. I feel like sharing, people. Because it's easy.









Break me off some of that effort, friends. I think it's the stuff dreams are made of.

Happy Friday! It's OK

As you can see from my posts this week, I've got a shit-ton of stuff planned for this year. Mostly I did pretty well integrating new things in. I worked away from home twice this week, sent a blog query to an entertainment website, dressed better in public and got some preliminary research done on some of my other goals.

I did fall behind today, though, but that's OK, especially since I know why. I've got three things left on the last to-do list I made for this week. One thing I just keep forgetting to do, one thing that will be time consuming and one thing that scares the crap out of me. I'm going to resolve, right now, to take care of the scary thing right away Monday morning. It's going right after peeing and feeding the cats so I can't keep putting it off. Besides, if I get it done early I won't have to think about this particular duty for another week, so that'll be handy.

Now, let's look around online and see what interesting stuff we can find.

1) I've got a new addiction that's making it hard to get work done. Actress/comedian Aisha Tyler has a geeky podcast called girl on guy that is filling my bunny. She talks to various entertainment types about being in the business, motivating yourself and other things a lot of folks (including me) really need to hear.

2) You all seem like smart, capable people. I'm sure you know that using crystal meth is a bad idea. These photos show just how bad an idea that is. It's just pictures of faces, but the destruction is stunning.

3) Many of us enjoy the occasional cocktail. Alie & Georgia are funny ladies who wear cute clothes and show you how to make fun drinks at home.

4) Ever wait in line for what feels like an hour or more only to realize it's been 10 minutes? Here's why the wait seems soooooo looooooonnngggg.

5) Already wavering on your resolutions? These tips might help you make them stick.

That's all for me this Friday. I'm going to think over my week, enjoy the Golden Globes for once and catch up on my reading. Enjoy!

Music Monday: Moving Right Along

I mentioned a few weeks ago how my therapist wanted me to consider going back on medication for my depression. I thought about what she said, that since I've been depressed off and on (mostly on) for over twenty years the root cause is probably a chemical imbalance that lifestyle changes alone won't take care of. She might be right. Lord knows I've had trouble keeping any momentum going even with things I love to do, so I talked to my doctor and started Zoloft Friday.

I had some nausea and dizziness over the weekend, luckily I think that was just my body getting used to it because those symptoms were gone today. It'll take a while for it to really kick in, but I'm hoping that knowing the medicine is there to support me will help me get a move on and keep going. Wish me luck!

Now, let's do some music!

Heal Thyself!

So, aside from trying to get better and help HUBS get better this past month, I've also been reading a book that was suggested to me by a reader of this blog (Thanks, Jeri!).

The Depression Cure was written by a doctor who created a drug-free program to help people kick their depression symptoms in the ass.

What I love most about the program is that everything is doable, inexpensive or free and based on some pretty simple ideas. Since we tend to close ourselves off from life when we're depressed, we end up making things worse because, guess what? We need to get some exercise, hang out with people, sleep a solid part of the night, go outside and see the sun and do things we enjoy so that we stop dwelling on our problems (perceived and real).

I haven't fully implemented all of his ideas, mostly because there's still a bit of upheaval around these parts, but I am happy about what I've been able to do so far.

1) I'm taking an omega 3 supplement because it's been shown to help with mood.

2) I've been using Breathe Right strips since Friday, and they have greatly helped my ability to sleep through the night. (With the exception of Monday night, when I was up for an hour and 40 minutes dealing with a bout of food poisoning. I'm done with you, Applebee's.)

3) Now that it's cooler outside, I've been spending a lot more time outside in the sun. Not purposely soaking up the sun, but not actively staying to the shadows when I'm outside, either.

4) With all our HUBS medical trips of the past few weeks, I've probably talked to more people this month than I have all summer. Even though doing so much of it was annoying at times, I know it's better than locking myself away in my cat-filled house on a daily basis.

5) I let HUBS talk me into swimming last week. His physical therapist said it would be good for his back and leg, and he found a place with a whirlpool, sauna and steam room to help with my congestion that we could try for free. And, you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was free. We went in the middle of the week at night so hardly anyone was there. The pool was a balmy 84 degrees so it didn't shock to get into or out of. The whirlpool without bubbles was to die for. You have my heart Jewish Community Center. You. Have. My. Heart.

6) I've become completely absorbed in the games on my phone. Ruminating is one thing that will make depression worse every time. I needed to get my mind off things and turned to my neglected game apps. It has worked tremendously. I even had HUBS futz with my phone to give me more storage space so I could add more games. I'm loving the freedom it's giving my brain!

I plan to do more as I feel better. Honestly, I feel like I have some control over my symptoms for the first time in my life. If nothing else, this program works just by giving me hope of being able to beat this thing. Plus, I'll have a nice list of steps I can take to make things better when I start to get down.

If you're battling the blues or full blown depression, I cannot say enough to recommend getting your hands on this book. I really believe it will help.

Do you have any tried and true methods for beating back the blues? I'd love to hear them, so share in the comments!

Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?