Well, Thank You Cassandra!

Cassandra Schmigotzki, of The Long and Winding Road to Wellness, has graced my blog with a Liebster Award! So, here's what you need to know about the award...

About the Liebster

The idea behind this award is to recognize new bloggers and help them get some buzz and promote their blogs. It's a sign of recognition and it can pretty much mean what you want it to mean.

If you've been nominated for the Liebster Award and accept it, you need to follow a few rules.

1.Write a blog post about the Liebster Award.
2.Thank the person that nominated you.
3.Post a link to their blog on your blog.
4.Display the award on your blog and including it in your post and/or displaying it using a widget.
5.Answer the 11 questions about yourself provided by the person who nominated you.
6.Give 11 random facts about yourself.
7.Nominate 5-11 blogs that you feel deserve the award, who have less than 1000 followers.
8.Create a new list of questions for the nominated bloggers to answer.
9.List the rules in your post.
10.Inform the bloggers who you've nominated for the Liebster Award - remember to give them a link to your post so that they can learn about it (they might not have ever heard of it!).

Note that you can nominate someone who has been given this award already, as long as they have less than 1000 followers/subscribers.

Cassandra's Questions For Me

1.What is something that you wish you learned how to do growing up? Make small talk.

2.What are five words your closest friends would use to describe you? Funny, smart, sensitive, empathetic, introverted

3.What is your favorite meal to make or eat? This isn't a whole meal, but I love roasted carrots. If I cook a pound of carrots you better get to 'em fast because otherwise they'll be gone.

4.What did you want to be when you grew up? An astronomer. Then I realized how much math I'd have to learn.

5.Can you speak another language? If so, what? (This would include sign language but not Pig Latin.) Only if by "speak another language" you mean "can curse people out in Spanish". I studied Spanish in high school & college, but you know how it is when you don't use a skill...

6.What is your guilty pleasure? I try not to have those. You like what you like when you like it, you know?

7.What are your favorite books or blogs? I could list books all day: Which Lie Did I Tell, Kushiel's Dart, Bird by Bird, How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents, Woman Hollering Creek, If You Want to Write, Dicey's Song, A Solitary Blue, A Long Way From St. Louie, Black Ice...I should probably stop now!

8.What do you hope to accomplish by the end of the year? Finishing a screenplay.

9.What's your favorite quote or passage? “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid”. ― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. It's hard to follow, but I love the idea of it. Plus, I do think it's true in many cases.

10.Do you still dress up for Halloween? I haven't done that since I was about 11.

11.Have you learned anything about yourself since you started blogging? If so, what? Black people have a saying: "Don't put your business in the street." This is how parents keep their kids from talking about personal stuff with people who don't happen to live with them. I have found, though, that I like putting my business in the street. It seems to be the only way to learn that your business isn't that unusual after all.

Random Facts

1. I say "library" & "birthday" wrong. They come out "lie-berry" & "birfday".
2. I didn't realize I said these words wrong until I met HUBS and he pointed it out to me.
3. I didn't drink any alcohol until I was 31.
4. I only drink lemon-lime sodas.
5. I hate tea in all its forms.
6. I wore braces on my legs and had to have special orthopedic shoes when I was a kid.
7. Because of my orthopedic issues, if I'm sitting with my legs straight out or straight behind me, my feet automatically turn ALL THE WAY IN with my toes pointing at each other.
8. Any pill larger than the tip of a pencil eraser will cause me to panic when I try to swallow it. Thank God for pill cutters!
9. When I went to New York on a college trip in 1997, I saw Al Lewis, who played Grandpa on The Munsters. He was in his 70s, but was wearing a leather biker jacket and an African print hat.
10. My nose has been itching all week and it's incredibly annoying.
11. Mushrooms disgust me. I know they're good for you, but they're a fungus and I can't get past it. I've never had one on purpose.

Nominees!

1. Miss Tracey Nolan
2. Rebecca Thompson, Take Charge Now
3. Jeri Walker-Bickett, What do I know?
4. Stephanie Bryant, Diary of a Mad Saleswoman
5. EvaSaidIt.com

My Nominee Questions!

1. Boxers or briefs?
2. What one word do you hate the sound of?
3. Prince or Michael Jackson?
4. The world is ending, what do you say to your mom as last words?
5. McDonald's or Burger King?
6. You've just won $1,000 and have to spend it on something frivolous. What do you buy?
7. What are your two favorite TV shows of all time (up to now, obviously)?
8. Bugs Bunny or Daffy Duck?
9. If you could give your 12-year-old self one bit of advice, what would it be?
10. Dancing at a club or drinking at a bar?
11. What's one book you wish you had written and why?

Let the party begin, nominees!

Music Monday: Kick In The Butt

So, HUBS and I have been getting out and among people a little bit. We joined a Meetup group for sci-fi and fantasy fans and have been to three events, only, since we were late to the last two, we didn't get to actually talk to anybody. But! It got us to the art museum and the science center when there were a lot of people there, some of them dressed like various Doctor Who's.

Also, I've been signed up for a nerdy women's group for months. I kept signing up for events and then chickening out at the last minute and not going because I got too nervous to talk to new people.

Well, this weekend I went.

It was a bit easier, since it wasn't just a random sit around and try to think of things to say to strangers kind of meetup. The meeting was based on The Happiness Project, a book from a few years ago about a woman trying to figure out what would really make her happy. The goal of the group is for each member to pinpoint her values and put together 3 or 4 things we really want to work on that we believe will make us happier.

I, of course, have two huge lists of things to pull from. Two huge lists of goals from the beginning of the year that I've barely worked on as we enter the last half of 2013.

I need this kick in the ass. I'm hoping having a group of ladies who are all trying to get better and improve their lives to go back to and be accountable to will help me make those small moves every day that I know I need in order to feel better and brighter.

Constant, external motivation seems to be what moves me along. Motivation really doesn't come from within with me. I don't know why, and it doesn't actually matter. The important thing is finding what will push me and using it, even if it looks like something that shouldn't move me.

Ahhhhh...Let's relax a little. MUSIC!









What gives you a kick in the ass?

Music Monday: Not A Big Deal

Ah, therapy. Is there anything better than sitting down with a virtual stranger, spilling your guts and crying in panic at unexpected moments?

Yes. There's lots of shit better than that.

But, you know, not a big deal. So what that I went to see my therapist on Saturday and almost had two panic attacks over nothing in front of her. So what that she suggested anxiety is more of an issue than depression right now and I should call my psychiatrist for anxiety meds. So what that I'm clearly letting my social anxiety take over and I'm slowly becoming agoraphobic.

I can handle this.

I CAN.

I CAN REALLY HANDLE THIS.

And to prove it to myself I left the house today even though I didn't feel like it. I'm doing that every day. I have to. I need to. I can't end up locking myself away. So, even if I'm just leaving (like today) for a 10 minute drive, I'M DOING IT DAILY.

If My House Were Burning

I know it's horrible to think of. Losing most or all of the things you've worked hard for over your life would be a shitty, shitty thing.

This used to be something I never thought of. But, as HUBS and I accumulated cats, it occurred to me that if there were a flame-related disaster (or disaster of any kind, really) we'd have the responsibility of getting our furry friends to safety. And that, in turn, made me think of what else I'd feel the need to salvage and how I'd do it in a short span of time.

So, here it is. My disaster plan...

In Case Of Emergency

1) Hopefully we'll notice the fire while it's small. One of us can call 911 and work on it with our extinguisher while the other herds the cats into our two carriers and gets them to one of our cars.

2) I'd really want my laptop and external hard drive safe, so I'd head for these next.

3) My cameras. Oh, Lord, my cameras. I have three that I feel are absolutely necessary to have and another three that would be nice to have.

4) I have an amazing number of notebooks and journals around the house. Not to mention a few books I'd be a little sad to lose.

5) I figure items 2 through 4 could fit in our two laundry baskets which we keep in the office. Load 'em up and get out.

While I realize that our lives are WAY more important than any of the inanimate objects mentioned, I like having a relatively simple, mini-plan in my mind. I think, between HUBS and I, we could get this done in less than 10 minutes, get to our cars and to some semblance of safety while waiting for the fire department.

What do you think? What would you save if you had to abandon your home?

Good Problems To Have

Ah, the '70s...

I don't think I've ever had this much trouble fitting my life stuff into my work day. I've got a friend I haven't called back in two weeks, a stove that needs cleaning, three writing projects waiting for my attention, groceries that need to be bought, blogs I haven't caught up on, my own blog I'm barely writing. The list is really non-the-fuck-stop.

And yet...

It feels really good to have this issue. I'm busy! I have irons in the fire! I have a little bit of a life that's more than fuzzy dreams and wishes.

I know a lot of people have WAY more stressful jobs than I do and have A LOT more difficulty organizing their non-work lives. I figure I need to do about four things to really get this down to a science...

1) Start going to bed at a reasonable hour.

2) Start waking up at a reasonable hour.

3) Figure out when I'm doing work stuff and stick to it.

4) Start working somewhere other than my house every day.

While it's true that I'm getting my work done, it's also true I'm developing some kooky life habits around that work. I think my naughty subconscious might be trying to chip away at me.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN.

I'm going to sleep well, wake up fresh, do my yoga, have my breakfast and set this bitch on fire!

Music Monday: Soul Laid Bare

You know what I'm happy about today? My ability to use this blog to talk about life in a real way.

For most of my life I've felt like a singularly fucked up individual. Logically I knew that other people must be feeling lonely, useless, stupid or ill-equipped for life, but there was no way to tell if I knew any of those people because folks don't talk about things like that.

I certainly don't believe we should discuss everything with everyone all the time, but I do think a little selfless experience sharing (especially when that experience was negative) can help the sharer and the sharee.

When people feel alone they do lots of dumb things to themselves and others out of desperation. I talk about my experiences with depression, anxiety, loneliness, guilt, procrastination and fear not just to work through my own issues and get them off my chest and out of my mind, but so that somebody who feels like they have to keep crawling out of the same hole can read about me doing the same thing. And, hopefully, feel less alone and hopeless because of it.

In a small way, I feel like it's a public service to all the loners and losers in the world. Now that I think about it, so is spreading some aural cheer. Shall we?









If your blog is essentially a diary, how do you decide how much sharing to do?

Change Is Hard. Get Over It.

I broke out like gang busters the first two and a half weeks of this year. I made lists and plans and scheduled my days and got an article published on another website.

Then, last Wednesday hit. And I had a little panic attack over all the alerts that kept ringing on my phone telling me I needed to do this, that or the other thing. I managed to work on an essay I want to get published a bit on Friday, but that's been it.

I am in full avoidance mode.

Obviously, this isn't on purpose. I want to still be moving full-steam ahead. Instead, I spent over an hour on Twitter this afternoon. Since I was sick on Monday and had to really fight off a panic attack yesterday, I'm going to give myself a bit of a break on this.

I'll admit it, I almost had a full-on freak out about not getting more done. Luckily, before it took over I realized something:

ALL CHANGES THAT MATTER WILL BE HARD. I WILL FALTER FROM TIME TO TIME. GETTING BACK ON TRACK BY TRYING AGAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

We get so wrapped up (especially around the beginning of the year) in changing, doing, growing and moving that we tend to forget that the biggest part of change is forgiveness of self when we get discouraged and trying to keep going when we don't feel like it.

Why is this so hard to remember? A lot of us make plans for doing things differently, have a setback and then say fuck it and go back to business as usual. At least, I know I do.

I'm working on GETTING UP AGAIN WITHOUT PUTTING MYSELF DOWN FOR FALLING IN THE FIRST PLACE. So should you.

We're only human.

Change is hard.

We'll make mistakes.

Give yourself a break.

Keep trying.

What do you try to keep in mind when you have a setback?

Happy Friday! Making Decisions

I've decided something. But, first, let me tell a little story.

After leaving my birthday lunch with TC in 2010, I was walking to my car when a man who appeared to be homeless asked me for change. I was feeling pretty good in general, so I gave him a five dollar bill. It was all the cash I had on me and, honestly, we didn't have much in the bank that wasn't committed to bills or other must haves. I figured, though, that I was still likely much better off than him, so I gave the money freely.

As I drove home I thought about our overwhelming financial responsibilities and started to worry that I should have said no, but tried not to let the feeling take down my mood. I pulled up to the house before long and checked the mail. There was an envelope addressed to me from Quik Trip. I got in and opened it to reveal a $5 gas card. I had, in the span of half an hour, completely gotten back what I'd put into the world.

Even realizing as I do that karma, good will or whatever you'd like to call this generally takes a lot longer to circle its way back to us, it made me realize something.

I've spend the bulk of my life waiting for good things to happen to me.

And, I'm tired of it. Mostly because it doesn't work. If it did life would be too easy and none of us would ever get off our asses to create something new, helpful, interesting or exciting.

Also, I'm tired of it because a life spent waiting is a life wasted. I am living proof of that. When I've tried; when I've stopped the waiting and started doing in the face of hope, interesting things have happened to me. Things that made me happy and feel like I was living.

That's what I want more of: more living in my life.

Here's what I'm going to do, I'm going to make two lists this weekend. One with 38 personal things I want to accomplish and the other with 38 professional things I want to accomplish. I'll publish the lists next week.

Then, I'll get busy living.

There. I feel good about this. Let's look around online now and keep things from getting too serious!

1) "Inspiration is for amateurs-the rest of us just show up and get to work." Special thanks to Chuck Close for helping me make my decision.

2) It's still resolution time. Here are what some famous people wanted from their lives in new years gone by.

3) I'm a slow reader. I like to really feel the words in my mind and create the fullest picture possible in my mind's eye. I also want to read more, which would mean reading faster so that it doesn't take up all my time. Maybe this can help.

4) Looking to do even more stuff without leaving the comfort of your home? Mashable has a list of things you might not know you can do online.

5) Last, but not least, I introduce you to the puking robot. Ain't science interesting?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Cook Like You Mean It

...

Preparing meals at home can save you some serious money. I happen to enjoy cooking; trying new recipes and making new dishes out of whatever I have on hand. If you're sort of useless in the kitchen, but want to get the hang of something other than boiling water, you're in luck. Here's how to give good food.

How To Cook Like You Mean It

1) Begin at the beginning. If you only eat at home by opening a box of this or a can of that, you need to get a handle on some basics first. You can get a fancy how-to-cook book from the library and stress out over reading it. But, I think it would be better to watch others cook more than anything else. Find yourself a cooking show you can get into and tune in as often as possible.

2) Start slow. Some of the easiest ways to get comfortable with cooking is to get started with something super simple. Like sandwiches. If all you ever do is slap baloney on bread with mustard, try adding fancy lettuce, a new type of bread or another flavor of mustard. Getting something easy right will give the the courage to try even more new things.

3) Know what you like. One of the keys to creating a good meal is knowing what flavors go together. Whenever you eat out, take your desire to try new foods along and experiment with different flavors, textures and things you haven't had before. It can also be helpful to eat old favorites in new ways, as well. If you think McDonald's has the best burger, go out and try a burger at Red Robin. If you don't already have a handle on it, start a list of all the foods/flavors you like and add to it whenever you find something new.

4) Get those toes wet. Now that you know some stuff the only thing left to do is start cooking. As soon as your favorite chef makes something you like the thought of, that is also easy to prepare, take note. If you're nervous to jump right into making a full blown meal, that's OK. Instead of making the whole dish, try acing part of it: pasta sauce, gravy, grilled fish, cheese sauce...You can always refrigerate or freeze that bit of the dish until you feel ready to tackle the rest.

5) Jump on in. Hey, you mastered that pasta sauce, didn't you? Watch that episode as many times as needed and go ahead and figure out the rest of the meal. Keep in mind that you don't necessarily need a bunch of fancy tools to cook a good meal. You can also substitute some ingredients for others to get the same type of flavor. A quick Google of "what can I use instead of (insert ingredient here)" should take you to other options. And don't be afraid of short cuts. I never buy heavy cream, for instance, instead I use a can of milk and everything turns out fine.

6) Experiment some more. Once you get that first dish down, keep trying. Now might be a good time to get a cookbook that focuses on your favorite type of food and to add to your cooking show watching. Also, take the list of foods/flavors and use it to help you spruce up simple things or create your own things. Found out you like caramelized onions? Find a recipe and add them to that boxed mac 'n' cheese you plan to make.

As someone who makes up dishes a lot I can tell you that you'll get a great meal 95% of the time if you mix ingredients that you enjoy. (Within reason, of course. Chocolate and ketchup on anything would probably be a disaster, you know.) The other 5% of the time, you'll get a good meal. And there's nothing wrong with that!

7) Make your debut. An official dinner party isn't necessary, but letting someone else eat your creations is. To really get comfortable with cooking you'll need some feedback to see what's working or could use some work. Who knows? The person you cook for might be able to help broaden your horizons even more.

8) Keep on truckin'. The first time I tried brown rice I hated it. Hated it so much, in fact, that it took me over 10 years to try the stuff again. But, when I did? I loved it! Now I can't live without it in the cabinet. The message here is to keep trying. Maybe you won't get the appeal of kale the first time you use it. Look for a recipe that has a lot of other things you do like in it and give it another shot. If you still aren't hot on it after that, it's fine to let it go.

I know that's sort of a long list, but it's not that hard to fix a satisfying meal from scratch if you give it a bit of effort. Good luck!

How do you add special touches to simple foods?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

My mom cared for my grandmother for 10 years of her life. For the last eight of those years, they lived together.

The most important thing for P.T. was my grandmother. While that's completely understandable and commendable, it meant mom did things like go a whole day without eating, forgetting to take her blood pressure pills and skipping her own doctor's appointments.

In short, P.T. lost her mind.

If there's one thing I've learned in the six weeks I had to help HUBS while he was on medical leave, it's that the person you love may be sick, but if you devote all your time to them you'll lose yourself, neglect yourself and get bitter.

Here are my tips for staying sane when caring for loved ones.

How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

1) Calm down. It's hard to be in pain. But I know that it's also incredibly difficult to watch someone else experience pain (especially if you love them and can't do anything to help them). Try to find constructive ways to release that anxiety. Scream into a pillow, punch a stuffed animal. Watch a reality show filled with stupid people (That's 99% of reality shows! You won't have trouble finding one!) and yell at the screen. Yessss...Better.

2) You matter, too. Get regular checkups. Take your medicine. Bathe, for God's sake. But! Don't just do the things you have to. If life is chock-a-block with responsibilities but no fun, you'll get miserable pretty damn fast. Find time to read your favorite magazines, work on your illustrations or have coffee with a friend. You'll be a better care-taker if you remember that your body and mind need nurturing too.

3) Don't fear boundaries. In order to get all this "me" time in between medication schedules, procedures and appointments, you might need to tell your patient that there are certain times of the day and/or week when you'll be doing your own thing. If taking a three hour bath while you drink wine and watch porn is the only thing that'll relax you, step up and let them know you need that time. You porn addicted winos, you.

4) Separate is not equal. If you're dealing with someone whose mental or physical functioning has dropped dramatically, it can be hard to separate them from their illness. Thereby making it easier to get mad when they do/say bone-headed things. Remember - they are not the illness. Now, if they constantly treat you like crap, that will need to be discussed. But, a bit of poor attitude is to be expected when a long-term debilitating condition sets in. Get mad at the condition and find a way to lighten the mood for both of you.

Are these steps easy? Not at all. Plus, it'll take some self-control not to fall back into a them-them-them mindset. But, as doing yoga and going to bed early have taught me as of late, you'll be glad you made the effort.

Have you ever cared for a sick family member or friend for a long period of time? Hit the comments and let us know how you coped.

Heal Thyself!

So, aside from trying to get better and help HUBS get better this past month, I've also been reading a book that was suggested to me by a reader of this blog (Thanks, Jeri!).

The Depression Cure was written by a doctor who created a drug-free program to help people kick their depression symptoms in the ass.

What I love most about the program is that everything is doable, inexpensive or free and based on some pretty simple ideas. Since we tend to close ourselves off from life when we're depressed, we end up making things worse because, guess what? We need to get some exercise, hang out with people, sleep a solid part of the night, go outside and see the sun and do things we enjoy so that we stop dwelling on our problems (perceived and real).

I haven't fully implemented all of his ideas, mostly because there's still a bit of upheaval around these parts, but I am happy about what I've been able to do so far.

1) I'm taking an omega 3 supplement because it's been shown to help with mood.

2) I've been using Breathe Right strips since Friday, and they have greatly helped my ability to sleep through the night. (With the exception of Monday night, when I was up for an hour and 40 minutes dealing with a bout of food poisoning. I'm done with you, Applebee's.)

3) Now that it's cooler outside, I've been spending a lot more time outside in the sun. Not purposely soaking up the sun, but not actively staying to the shadows when I'm outside, either.

4) With all our HUBS medical trips of the past few weeks, I've probably talked to more people this month than I have all summer. Even though doing so much of it was annoying at times, I know it's better than locking myself away in my cat-filled house on a daily basis.

5) I let HUBS talk me into swimming last week. His physical therapist said it would be good for his back and leg, and he found a place with a whirlpool, sauna and steam room to help with my congestion that we could try for free. And, you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was free. We went in the middle of the week at night so hardly anyone was there. The pool was a balmy 84 degrees so it didn't shock to get into or out of. The whirlpool without bubbles was to die for. You have my heart Jewish Community Center. You. Have. My. Heart.

6) I've become completely absorbed in the games on my phone. Ruminating is one thing that will make depression worse every time. I needed to get my mind off things and turned to my neglected game apps. It has worked tremendously. I even had HUBS futz with my phone to give me more storage space so I could add more games. I'm loving the freedom it's giving my brain!

I plan to do more as I feel better. Honestly, I feel like I have some control over my symptoms for the first time in my life. If nothing else, this program works just by giving me hope of being able to beat this thing. Plus, I'll have a nice list of steps I can take to make things better when I start to get down.

If you're battling the blues or full blown depression, I cannot say enough to recommend getting your hands on this book. I really believe it will help.

Do you have any tried and true methods for beating back the blues? I'd love to hear them, so share in the comments!

Tuesday Tipday: How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

When I'm having a hard time, it's difficult for me to watch strangers be happy. I'm not proud of that, but there it is. I don't want other people to be miserable, but if I'm down I don't want to be a witness to their good fortune, either.

And, really? I don't think I'm alone in this. We all get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, when you're struggling with what you don't have, it's impossible to see anything else but what others do have. And it always seems like so much more than what you've got. There are a few things you can do to keep from losing your mind whenever you see someone with more (success, free time, money, fame, talent, joy, luck, classic cars...)of what you want.

How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

1) Focus: What's leading to the feelings of inadequacy? Facebook? Twitter? Monthly meetups with high school classmates? Give it a rest for a bit and concentrate on your life and whatever is working. Even if it's tiny. You finally finished that book of crossword puzzles! Your cat's gotten over her cold! The old man who stares at you while licking his lips wasn't on the bus today! Technically, I suppose this is what's commonly referred to as "gratitude", but I've decided I don't like that word. It sounds too lofty; like whatever you chose to spotlight had better be a major life-changer. Big stuff is fine, but since most of us only get little victories on a regular basis, those are the ones to focus on.

2) They don't have your stuff: For some reason this one's especially hard to remember. Here's the truth: just because you want to become a well-known and widely respected singer/songwriter doesn't mean that Taylor Swift got your mojo. Neither did John Mayer or Kanye West or anyone else who's doing what you want to be doing at a high level. While it's true that some people have more opportunities than others, everybody has their own juice. No one else has your money or your fame or your talent. They've made the most of what they were given and you have to do the same.

3) We never see the whole story: Another thing I'm not proud of is one of my jealousy coping mechanisms. Whenever I see someone my age or younger in a fabulous car, say a Bentley convertible, I invent bad stuff for their life. He lives in his car. His toddler son is a terror. He stole all the money he used to buy the car and will soon be caught and imprisoned...You get the picture. My point, though somewhat mean, is surprisingly valid. When you look at someone's Facebook page, do you know what they're sharing?

THE GOOD STUFF. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF!

No one is telling you about the toe they broke finishing that 25 mile marathon. They don't mention all the food they wasted trying to create the dish that won $10,000 in a recipe contest. Everyone's life is difficult in some way; they just don't make a habit of splashing those tribulations all over the internet. Remember that next time you're filled with envy.

Tuesday Tipday: How To Say No

...These women were unable to say no. You don't want to end up like them, in a bundle on the floor with your ass showing, do you?

If you look at a women's magazine in any given month, chances are you will come upon an article discussing how hard it is for women to say no to demands on their time by other people.

Not only have I never been one of these women, but I don't entirely understand them. Maybe it's because I don't have children or tons of family responsibilities, or maybe it's because a sometimes not so gentle undercurrent of depression runs through my everyday life. Either way, I'm pretty good at saying no.

So, for everyone who has trouble with it, here are some steps you can take to free yourself from the tyranny of yes.

How To Say No

1) Start with yourself. "No" seems so negative, doesn't it? You probably don't say it because you're afraid of hurting people's feelings or seeming selfish. The first key is to stop thinking about "no" in such negative terms. When you say NO to other people, what you're really doing is saying YES to yourself. If you're faced with a business offer or invitation, or asked for money you'd rather not give, think about what you need to do with the time, money, knowledge or whatever else has been asked of you. When you think of saying NO to others as simply saying YES to your own life, it's easier to realize it's not so bad.

2) Work up to it... If you really can't fathom turning down any request, you may need to ease yourself into it. Would you like to come to my Bachelorette finale viewing party? asks the woman at work you hate talking to in regards to a show you happen to also hate. Tell her you need to check your calendar, then when she asks again a few days later, thank her for the invitation and tell her you've got a family event that night. She doesn't need to know that "family event" is code for a long bath, delivered pizza and a Gilmore Girls marathon with your husband.

3) ...But don't coddle yourself. The white lie route will only get you so far. Plus, you can't do that forever. Eventually you're going to have to bust out the dreaded two letter word. Practice with those small, everyday questions if working up to no keeps you stuck in I'll-think-about-it land. Do you want fries with that? NO. Can I talk to you about our new credit protector plan? NO. Are you alright? NO. The sex was good last night, wasn't it? NO. You get the picture...

4) Stay positive. Remember that you're only saying no to say yes to your own needs. As a result, it's often a good idea to couch your response in as much positivity as you can, depending on the situation. Here's how this works. You get the question: We really need a new chair for this event. You've worked with us for a long time, would you like to take over? You think: The reason they need a new chair is because the stress of planning always drives the previous chair insane. I am too busy, important and happy to go crazy right now. You say: Wow, thanks for thinking of me, but, no. I really have too much going on to devote enough time to chairing the event. I'll certainly volunteer again, though! See? Easy!

Now go take that bath, eat that pizza and watch TV. You've earned it!

What do you have trouble saying no to?

If There Is An Upside...

I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.

Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.

Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.

That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.

It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.

What have your hard times taught you?

I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?

On Depression

I left the house today. It's not the first time in weeks or anything. But it is the first time in days that I thought I should leave the house and look nice.

Partly, this is because all my fall-back clothes are dirty. But also, I wanted to look better. I put in my eyebrow gel and swiped on lipgloss. I wore a good bra and covered my tired eyes with giant sunglasses. I pulled on decent clothes that aren't too big for me and stepped into the light.

All I did was spend 40 minutes at the library, but it helped. It helped to be out of the house without errands and lists and a strict budget. It helped to look like I cared about more than chocolate, The Young & the Restless and naps at noon. It helped to feel a breeze on my skin that was under 100 degrees and to be among the world outside that keeps turning in my absence.

I have been having one of those weeks where everything feels heavy. Like life is too much for me. Cooking, bathing, thinking, moving, doing; all felt like too much. Sure, I've gotten some things done, but just the day-to-day basics. Nothing new or different or fun or fascinating. Sometimes, too often, all I can manage is what's easy. Whatever I've done a million times - even if it hurts me.

I had a moment earlier in the week. I was reading an article on happiness that talked about the importance of having a mission. It struck me (as stuff like this so often does, when I'm not expecting a revelation) that I've never really had any long-standing positive missions in life.

For decades my main goal has been "getting through this." Not living or exploring or growing, but making sure I don't succumb to my overwhelming negativity. Not jumping out the sixth floor window of my college residence hall room. Not taking the blades out of my razor and using them for something harder than shaving. Not staying in bed all day and crying.

This article also said that for happiness we need an atmosphere of growth. And when we have a mission we create that atmosphere for ourselves.

No wonder I'm still sad about so much. Still stuck and confused and wandering the Earth with my hands tied behind my back. If your only mission is to not die, that doesn't allow for much growth unless you reside (unfortunately) in a war zone.

So, now what? I feel a bit lighter today; oddly enough, only after writing a lot about depression. And, I've turned off the TV for hours to be alone with my thoughts. How can I flip my mission so that it's not about Not Dying, but Living? Really living. Feeling good or feeling bad in an atmosphere of growth. How?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Make The World Seem Less Horrible

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There are times when it all gets to be too much. Even if your life is going pretty good, it can be difficult not to become obsessed with the screwy stuff going on around you. Anxiety about the state of things can lead to a host of physical and mental issues. Sometimes, a glass of wine at dinner just isn't enough.

Here are some tips to keep your brain from overloading on the deep and overwhelming problems of the world.

5 Ways To Make The World Feel Less Shitty

1) Stop paying attention, already: My first journalism class in college made us watch the news every night as homework. It wasn't long before the horrors of the mid-1990s were keeping me up at night. I simply knew too much. As soon as I finished that class I was done with the nightly news. It took me years to watch again on a regular basis. And you know what? You don't need to worry about not knowing enough, because the big stories will still get through. So give the constant CNN watching/political website reading/thrice daily major newspaper readings a break. Just long enough for your mind to stop spinning.

2) Focus your attention: No one person can do something about everything. Pick the stuff that most bothers you or that you feel you can work on the best and concentrate on helping with those issues. Volunteer at a food pantry. Raise money for homeless animals. Work at a non-profit that helps abused children. See? Don't you feel less scattered, angry and scared now?

3) Stop talking to her: Don't look at me like that, you know exactly who I mean! Anyone who's had more than one friend or close acquaintance in life recognizes The Negativity Queen. She doesn't just call to vent. She calls because her world is coming to an end and she needs your help. NOW. She calls after waking up from a drunken stupor and realizing her roommate shaved off all her vagina hair and she should probably move. With your help. In the next hour.

It doesn't even matter if she's making bad choices that lead to these catastrophes or if the bad just seems to follow her unassuming person around. Don't respond to the emails or return the calls for a bit. You've got stuff going on too, and there's nothing wrong with tending to your own business without someone else's drama clouding your mind. And yes, The Negativity Queen can be a guy. So, the next time you get a message from your buddy Frank about how his wife found out he cheated on him, threw his things into the driveway and set them on fire and he needs a place to crash; it's OK to pretend you're out of town.

4) Stress is for people named Ridge: I think there's a kernel in many of us that watches the news and goes, Crap. At least my life isn't that bad! The problem, of course, is that you're using another person's real misery to pump yourself up a little. I have a better idea, one that's helped me tremendously: Melodrama. A good soap opera or tear-jerker will give you the same result without actual lives being in ruins. Search for "soap opera death scenes", "soap opera fights" or "soap opera revelations" on Youtube. You'll feel better in no time.

5) Relax, worry gets you nowhere: I know, it's not easy to stop the crazy train once it gets going. That's how I had a panic attack in a grocery store parking lot after realizing I'd left my coupon book somewhere. But, if you can head the train off when you hear the gears starting up you'll be a lot better off. Have that wine. Watch a funny movie. Read a trashy magazine. Find what calms you and use it to stop the torrent of anxiety that's bubbling up. Sometimes the little things really can help.

A Nice Thought

Ah, so true...

Interesting Theories

In the interest of EXPANSION I've been reading a lot of books on freelancing, writing, creating an ideal life and personal branding over the last few months. Last night I was pouring over Be Your Own Brand, and some of the ideas really struck me.

I've wondered quite a bit on here (and during my general alone time) about why I procrastinate and sabotage myself. I've come to the basic conclusion that I'm afraid of a lot of stuff, but this book made me think something else is also behind it.

The authors write about the importance of authenticity when building a brand. People, they say, will trust you faster and longer when they feel you're being real with them. Which, aside from making total sense, I believe I'm good at doing. But, they also mention three important components of authenticity: purpose, vision and values.

I have the strongest handle on my values (the stuff that's important to me), a little bit less of a grasp on my vision (What do I really want out of life? To make movies? Become a pro-blogger? Make money selling my photos?) and almost no idea of what my purpose (Really, why do I specifically exist in the world?) is.

The purpose part is what really bugged and stuck with me, because here's what they say about purposeless folks: people without it have no grounding for their values, no motivation to act and nothing that inspires desire.

NO MOTIVATION TO ACT AND NOTHING THAT INSPIRES DESIRE.

That's not a direct quote, but that's what hit my heart hard. That phrase pretty much describes my whole life. I've got lots of big goals and plans and dreams, but have made very little effort to bring much of anything to fruition.

The Why am I here? question has nagged at me since I was a little kid. It comes to the forefront whenever I have a deeply depressed moment that leaves me feeling like a wasted bag of useless existence. But, really? I've never had a very strong feeling of Oh! This is why I'm here!

Even when I get an inkling of that feeling, my brain stops it with But that's silly. I can't be here to help people with their screenplays. Or, How could I have been put here just to rescue stray cats?

Is this it? Is this really why I lack enough ambition to push through fear and act on what I want with few limitations? Has this been the root of my depression all these years? Is this what's actually causing my newly acquired panic attacks? Is this the root of my general passionless mood, something that's been with me for decades?

I swear. The more I read, the more I see how screwy I am.

What about you? Do you know why you're here?

There's Nothing Like...

Photo

...A visit from the in-laws to get you cleaning stuff you've been neglecting for months!

But more importantly? HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUBS!!



40 looks good on you :)

This Year I Will: 2011 Edition

Shakes relaxes with his body threaded through our TV antenna. Cats have such simple goals, don't they?

Yesterday you saw what I got done in 2010, now let's take a look at what I want to do in 2011. I tried to narrow the list down to things I could actually fully accomplish this year.

For instance, at first I put down 'publish a book', but that's not something that's really totally dependent on me (if I were trying to get it published through traditional means, anyway). So, I amended it to 'writing book proposals and sending them out', which is a goal I can complete this year, even if said books don't get published until 2013.

Well, then, off we go...

This Year I Will: 2011

1) Write another screenplay and enter it into at least one contest
2) Promote my blogs
3) Sell photos through at least one online agency
4) Write proposals for my book ideas and send them out
5) Create a workable budget
6) Travel more
7) Network
8) Grow my freelance career
9) Add 1,000 steps to my daily walking, to equal 6,000/day
10) Use pen tablet weekly
11) Try more new things
12) Watch less TV and do less meaningless internet roaming
13) Call PT more
14) Make the money to buy a car within two years
15) Promote past freelance work online
16) Figure out a way to organize our home library area and get more storage in this house
17) Keep track of family birthdays better and connect with family more
18) Work on becoming more sexual

There! I think that's it for me.

What do you plan to do in 2011?