How To Tell You've Watched A Bad Movie

I watch a lot of movies. But, every now and then I watch a movie and have no idea how I feel about it. Good movies are easy. Really bad movies are easy. But the ones in the middle? Those can be tough.

So, here's my list of 11 ways to tell a bad movie was just all up in your face.

11 Ways To Tell You've Watched A Bad Movie

1) You had no problem getting up in the middle to go to the bathroom and taking your sweet time in there.

2) You just left the theater. Wait, what was the movie about again?

3) It's opening weekend, and you were the only one in the theater.

4) You watched intently, but still felt confused during the whole thing.

5) You didn't care what happened to anyone in the movie.

6) You couldn't manage to laugh, cry or feel anxious/scared/thrilled about anything that went on during the film.

7) Whoever you went with talked to you the for the entire movie, and you didn't mind at all.

8) You spent the movie comparing plot points to other films that did them first, and better.

9) At least 25% of the audience got up during the movie and didn't come back.

10) After getting back from the bathroom you realize you missed a lot, but you can still follow the plot just fine.

11) Did you fall asleep? You don't remember?! Bad sign, my friend.

10 Things I Don't Understand

Hey! Someone else looks like crap with messy hair just like me! Good to know...

There are some things about life which I have little or no understanding of. Here's my list.

10 Things I Don't Understand About Life

1) Messy hair: It looks fine on other people (usually). But, if I have a single hair out of place, I am guaranteed to look like a homicidal crack head. Isn't it nice to know what doesn't work for you?

2) Giving the finger: Sure, I've done it a couple of times in righteous anger. But, it just felt kinda...Meh. Since what I really want to do when I flip someone off is yell or smack them upside the head with a large metal serving spoon, the finger just doesn't feel like enough. So, I don't do it.

3) Thong underwear: These, ostensibly, became all the rage to remove ladies' panty lines. Can I tell you something? When I was still working downtown and saw well-dressed career women all the time, a LOT of them had thong panty lines. And there is nothing more hideous than a constant reminder of a stranger's ass crack. I am pro-granny panty. All the way.

4) Sunscreen: Now, before you begin to silently judge me, you should know that I of course wear sunscreen. But, I also hate it with a fierce passion. I'm sure there's some $45,000 bottle of the stuff out there that makes you feel fresh and glowy and sophisticated. I only buy the drugstore variety, so I turn into a sticky hobo within an hour of putting the stuff on. Dammit, sun!

5) Iced coffee: Just disgusting. If coffee's not hot, what's the point? I will sit under a fan on full blast if need be to have my piping morning cuppa. Yes I will.

6) Piercings: Earrings? Sure. A dainty diamond stud in the nose? OK, fine. But bones and bars and ear lobe extenders? No. And, you're not even an original anymore, hun. Take it out, stitch it up and move on.

7) Politics: Oh, I vote. Lots of people went through a lot of trouble, including dying, so my black female ass could have a say. The problem? I find it impossible to believe 99% of what anyone on either side (or in the middle) tells me. I think most of them just want the power of being elected. And the rest of them will soon be corrupted by all the games they need to play to get anything accomplished. As you might imagine, I usually leave my polling place feeling vaguely icky and praying I made a choice that won't send us into Armageddon.

8) Fashion magazines that refuse to acknowledge the fact that most women can't, and wouldn't even if they could, pay $70 for eyeshadow: Show some cheap shit, already! And? Stop pretending you have a story on high/low fashion when your "low" is a pair of $189 pants. You know what? Nevermind. You keep acting like fools and I'll keep not reading and yelling Fuck you Vogue! when I pass a newsstand.

9) Ugly-cute animals: Notice we don't ascribe this dichotomy to people? That's because ugly-cute doesn't exist. Can you really not love your ugly-ass dog if you don't insist it's cute? Well, shame on you, I say. Shame!

10) Low rise pants: Haven't we all seen enough butt crack beginnings in our lives? Haven't we?!

What things about modern life do you not understand?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

When I'm having a hard time, it's difficult for me to watch strangers be happy. I'm not proud of that, but there it is. I don't want other people to be miserable, but if I'm down I don't want to be a witness to their good fortune, either.

And, really? I don't think I'm alone in this. We all get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, when you're struggling with what you don't have, it's impossible to see anything else but what others do have. And it always seems like so much more than what you've got. There are a few things you can do to keep from losing your mind whenever you see someone with more (success, free time, money, fame, talent, joy, luck, classic cars...)of what you want.

How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

1) Focus: What's leading to the feelings of inadequacy? Facebook? Twitter? Monthly meetups with high school classmates? Give it a rest for a bit and concentrate on your life and whatever is working. Even if it's tiny. You finally finished that book of crossword puzzles! Your cat's gotten over her cold! The old man who stares at you while licking his lips wasn't on the bus today! Technically, I suppose this is what's commonly referred to as "gratitude", but I've decided I don't like that word. It sounds too lofty; like whatever you chose to spotlight had better be a major life-changer. Big stuff is fine, but since most of us only get little victories on a regular basis, those are the ones to focus on.

2) They don't have your stuff: For some reason this one's especially hard to remember. Here's the truth: just because you want to become a well-known and widely respected singer/songwriter doesn't mean that Taylor Swift got your mojo. Neither did John Mayer or Kanye West or anyone else who's doing what you want to be doing at a high level. While it's true that some people have more opportunities than others, everybody has their own juice. No one else has your money or your fame or your talent. They've made the most of what they were given and you have to do the same.

3) We never see the whole story: Another thing I'm not proud of is one of my jealousy coping mechanisms. Whenever I see someone my age or younger in a fabulous car, say a Bentley convertible, I invent bad stuff for their life. He lives in his car. His toddler son is a terror. He stole all the money he used to buy the car and will soon be caught and imprisoned...You get the picture. My point, though somewhat mean, is surprisingly valid. When you look at someone's Facebook page, do you know what they're sharing?

THE GOOD STUFF. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF!

No one is telling you about the toe they broke finishing that 25 mile marathon. They don't mention all the food they wasted trying to create the dish that won $10,000 in a recipe contest. Everyone's life is difficult in some way; they just don't make a habit of splashing those tribulations all over the internet. Remember that next time you're filled with envy.

Can Underarms Be Too Fresh?

You'll remember me lamenting the failure of my non-aluminum deodorant a while back. Well, I finally gave up on it and bought some Dove Original Scent on sale for $2. But now I don't know; it might smell too good.

I picked my usual type of scent, which is always in the Clean! Fresh! Linen! spectrum. The Dove smelled fine on its own, and then I put it on...The scent is very strong. And like...Shampoo?

These are, by far, the freshest underarms I've ever had. Every time I lift my arms I get a shampoo slap to the nostrils. While it is far better than the Tom's of B.O. experience of the last couple months, do I really need my pits to smell this good? I haven't decided yet.

I was getting ready yesterday morning, and as is the case when I haven't showered in a couple days (SHUT UP!), I added a bit more deodorant. Now, you can't just add your standard number of swipes when you haven't bathed. My typical number is between five and seven. Yesterday I only used two. I've found that if you deodorize as though you just showered, it'll backfire.

All that fake fresh on top of even the tiniest amount of natural odor will turn on you around mid-day. You'll end up with one of four smells: Frito, foot, booty or old-man-peeing-on-the-subway.

If you're going for fresh and get Frito, you haven't done your job as a human. And, as far as I'm concerned, you only have two jobs as a human: treat other people like you'd want to be treated and don't be funky enough for everyone you pass to get a whiff. That's all. Really.

So, on Tuesday morning I did my job as a human. And, if you need to get out of the house fast without showering, just know that we appreciate you taking it easy on the deodorant, too.

Happy Friday: Desperation Is A Cold Cup Of Coffee

This is Thursday's sad coffee cup. Why was my coffee cup so blue, you ask? Because our 18 1/2 year old microwave blew out Wednesday night (With sparks! Exciting!) and I couldn't reheat the coffee that was left inside her belly.

I know not having a microwave for all of 18 hours (That's right, not even a full day of inconvenience.) isn't exactly a hardship, but it was still irritating. And it was irritating that it was irritating. What's wrong with me? I boiled water on the stove all of three times: for hot chocolate, a bowl of oatmeal and coffee.

By that third bowl I was actually tired. And when that last tablespoon of my coffee got cold I thought Shit, what do I do now? I'd rather not drink it cold, but I don't want to throw it out either. I can't boil a tablespoon of coffee to heat it back up! It would get hot and immediately evaporate!

I ended up just putting the mug in the refrigerator with my tiny pool of coffee in the bottom. What did people do in 1950? Just drink that shit cold?

Oh, well. Now that HUBS and I have a new microwave we can all concentrate on some internet things...

1) How have I not heard about this until now?

2) Dying to have a bound book of all your twats...Uh, tweets, from twitter? These folks can do it.

3) Some style trends that need to die a much faster death.

4) I always knew FASHION was stupid.

5) A Pandora for YouTube videos? I'm already hooked!

6) Catch up on all the Shit Girls Say madness. I think my favorite is the parody Shit White Girls Say to Black Girls. Oh yeah. That's it!