My Monopalooza 2011 fog cleared a bit last night (finally) and today I've been able to stay awake all day and even had enough energy to leave the house.
At some point early this morning a thought about my general personality crossed my mind: could my life long lack of ambition really just be depression?
Don't get me wrong, I've had times where I've worked extremely hard to prove myself and done things I didn't really want to in order to show employers/friends/family that I was serious about work/opportunities/connections. But? I've never had the kind of drive that makes people mention 'ambitious' as one of my attributes.
It occurred to me that, instead of a character flaw, my semi-drive-less state could be my depression hanging around. I know for a fact that I've been dealing with depression since I was around 11 or 12 years old. Isn't that about the time kids start wanting to accomplish things on a higher level? Thinking about their hopes for their college-bound and adult lives?
All I remember thinking is that I wanted to finish school and go to Georgia Tech because my godmother lived in Atlanta. That was it. I had no dreams of how I wanted to live my life (none that were realistic, anyway). And there was, throughout college, no idea of how to get from point A to point B. In fact, I was so focused on getting out of college that I graduated without the barest hint of an internship or career in journalism.
Granted, college was one of what I'll call my depression 'peaks', but I totally flaked on my own future. Was it just stupid laziness, or was it depression? I don't know how to tell the difference.
The thing I'm having the most trouble with now is networking. Back in June, prior to Monopalooza, I was able to go to two networking events even though talking to strangers without context is hard work for me. Since then, though, I haven't had the energy for socializing. Is it the mono? Laziness? Or, am I still depressed even after years of therapy and medication? Or...Oooh! New Thought! Or, is my lack of ambition something that's been leading to my depression all these years?
Crap. I could stand to go back to therapy, couldn't I?
2 comments:
I'm glad your mono is clearing up, I'm so sorry you haven't been feeling well!! I'm sure the lack of energy has to do with you being sick... and also maybe the weather is getting more dismal and that can affect you too?
Hope you are doing ok and enjoying your weekend. Networking is hard enough without having to deal with other stuff. xoxo
I think it makes sense that you might still be depressed...gawd knows as I deal with this anxiety I keep thinking I've got it licked and then...BAM. You're kicking ass regardless. That's what I say. I also say take a nap when you need one : )
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