Where's My Rooster?

I woke up late today. Not that that's unusual. I wake up late pretty much every day, and have for years now. When I graduated from college I moved back in with my mom for almost a year. I got up when she did, 6:30 each weekday morning and 9 on the weekends. I suppose I was used to getting up early for classes still, so it wasn't painful at all, even though I spent three months not going anywhere.

So what happens when I get my ass out of bed late and traffic is guaranteed to be shitty and I'm starving? Well, something has to go. So I don't wash my face. I freshen up the acne meds, slap on sunscreen, arrange my eyebrows into an alert arch and pray that I'll have time between home and work to add blush so I don't resemble the undead. To be honest here, on really fucked up mornings where I wake up at like, 7:50 and have a whole 30 minutes to get ready get to work get in my chair and start answering those phones, I don't brush my teeth either. Damn, don't look at me like that! I know it's skanky, ok? But I'm going to get to work and start in on the drinking of water and probably have one of the convenient snacks I've placed in my desk, so the breath isn't going to matter anyhow. Nah, it's all about the corner cutting, yo!

I try to get a move on earlier, I really do. I'd love to have time for an actual morning routine. As opposed to running around in various states of undress hoping I don't forget, oh, I don't know...PANTIES. When me and my boy sleep at my place I set the clock for 7 am. I've made that happen three times in 6 months, people. There simply is no hope.

Back to my routine. I'd love to have a lazy, relaxing morning. Me time, you know? Maybe do a little light stretching or some toning exercises. Drink a cup of hot green tea, read a magazine. Carefully pick a cool outfit, accessories included. I love makeup. All the colors, textures, scents, powders, creams, mousses. I'd so enjoy having time to lay my products out, play a bit and make myself look stunning. I've got all the brushes, sponges and puffs any woman could ever need. With my fashion mag addiction in full swing lately, I'd have no shortage of ideas. (I keep a file. Quit laughing, you'll choke.)

Ah, it'd be like a lovely dream, people...Then the alarm BLARES THAT FUCKING NOISE. I'm up and running, 15 minutes to get into the car and on the highway so I won't be late. Thank God I bathe at night.

Holy Kitty Cats, Batman!

I had a realization yesterday that I am actually starting to like animals. This freaks me out. I've been strongly animal phobic most of my life. Not liking the smell, mess, cost, general destruction, ecetera, blah blah. Now with my boy's kitty around all the time, well, he's grown on me. Apparently so are all animals, because I've started doing things like looking at cat pictures online. Yesterday I even touched a puppy! Her nose was wet (I hear this is a good thing) so I wiped my finger off on her head fur. This is a big deal, people!

My new feelings are facilitated by the fact that little Tux does such cute stuff. He sits in the open windows. He plays with twist ties like a madman. He curls into a ball to sleep, often using his tail as a face shield. He sits on his hind legs, front ones ramrod straight, with his little kitty paws curled up. He lays in dry sinks, attacking anyone who comes too close to his curling-place. He only drinks water from faucets. Hey, on that note, Sunday night Tux did some crazy shit. He has the habit of following everyone into the bathroom to get a drink from the faucet as you do your bid'ness. My boy had to pee. Tux followed him in. My sink being right next to the toilet, Tux was able to watch closely as the water flowed freely. Until he PUT HIS PAW INTO MY BOYFRIEND'S PEE STREAM. I heard screaming and wild laughter. I went to the door and received a giggle filled plea from my boy to remove Tux from his presence. That boy laughed so long and hard it took him 10 minutes to finish peeing.

Needless to say, I put Tux's paws under warm running water. Just so he wouldn't get pee everywhere.

According to my boy, Tux does a lot of things he's never seen cats do before. His latest thing is to pull the drain plug out of the bathroom sink and walk off with it. That thing is disgusting, and now I've had to touch it twice. I'm considering trying to teach him how to put things back where he found them. Think I'll have any luck?

On days when I'm feeling down I crave lots of things but I only miss four: my boy's sense of humor and cool skin, Tux's big eyes looking at me in darkened room and his cute little kittycat head that fits into the palm of my hand.

Uggghhhh (Or, Where I Beg The Internet For Assistance)

I'm having a terribly fat day. I appear to still be gaining weight even though I'm in my 5th week of the "Body by Glamour" program. Those bitches haven't helped me. My pants just barely fit today. And to top it off I've got my monthly bloat. Hip hip hooray.

What can I do? I've stopped eating after 10pm. I try to make better choices at restaurants. I eat less fast food. I know I need to exercise more. Other than that I'm at a loss. I don't want to end up as one of those people who can hardly move, and when they do it's painful to watch. With all the huffing, puffing, sweating and groaning.

I remember college. I started wearing a size 18, and when I left I wore a size 12. I could tuck my shirts in! I could wear tight pants that showed off my booty! I felt comfortable in knits! That was a long, difficult process made easier by the fact that I had no social life and lots of free time. I could go to the gym at midnight if I needed to. And I often did. Along with getting up as early as 3:30 in the morning to exercise before class. That was serious dedication. I worked out every day. Ate three meals and two snacks. Only had sweets on special occasions. Do I have to go back to being that strict?

My greatest fear here is that I've hit my weight-loss-will-be-HELL period, which of course only gets worse from here. I mean, I'm 31 now. Why couldn't I have hit this time when I was 160 instead of 219?

Any ideas folks? What have you done to lose weight that didn't involve medications bought off infomercials or crazy diets that only let you eat one type of food?

I Ate My Face Off

Have you ever eaten so much you thought you'd never eat again? It feels kinda good in the moment, but when the stuffing-face portion of the meal is over a sort of discomfort sets in. I had one of those weekends. How about you?

It started with Cinco de Mayo (of course). A giant $13 fishbowl strawberry margarita that I shared with my boy came first. We had to wait for a whole HOUR outside Arcelia's to get seated. Damn the drunken revelers trying to get their feed on! I'm pretty sure I saw a girl I went to high school with there. You know how it is, you think you've spotted someone you recognize so you eye them periodically. Then they get the sense that somebody's staring at them and you end up locking stares a few times. I didn't bother speaking to her. I have a policy: until I get my career/life together I don't converse with snooty bitches I used to know. I suppose you can guess we weren't friends during the way back, huh? I can say she looked significantly better than she did in school. This particular girl was popular, but oddly...mannish looking for a popular girl. But on this evening, 13 (OH MY DAMN!!!) years later she actually looked pretty. See how generous I am to the bitches?

After a mighty big load of recycling on Saturday my boy treated us to Burger King for a good deed done. We got Whopper Jr's which are just the perfect size I think. Have you tried their new fries? I really love the seasoning, but come on BK. Do you really have to make us work for our seasoned fries? No one else does. Did you figure the novelty would lead everyone to shake away madly to get that new taste sensation? Seriously, I do not go to the BK to prepare my own food. The only work I wanna do is getting ketchup (And why don't you have pumps/cups for that? Who hands out ketchup PACKETS to folks that eat in-house anymore? Guuuhhhhrrr.) and taking care of my drink. 'Kay?

We then took a brief trip to the mall. My boy was looking for a particular baseball cap and I convinced him to wander with me a bit. He didn't find his hat but was able to get two shirts off the Gap sell rack for a total of $16. I also struck gold with two summery tunics for the low, low price of $24. Woo HOOO! I love cheap clothes from moderately expensive places!!!

For dinner my boy wanted Chinese buffet. I didn't know of any good places for sure, so I lead him to a little spot not far from my house. We have the unfortunate tendency to both get bitchy, irritable and plain old mean when we're hungry. Seeing as my boy was starving and I was getting close, this was not a fun trip. He didn't like the looks of the place I led him to. Now I ask you, internet, what little neighborhood Chinese place EVER looks good, inside or out? He voiced his opinion, which seemed ridiculous to me, and suddenly turned toward my place. I said if he wanted to go back to the place across from the mall we could. 'Cept he'd turned in the wrong direction. I'd have to show him how to go ALLLLLLL THE WAY AROUND to get back. Wow, internet, I cannot describe in words just how much fucking fun THAT was. Jeez.

My boy is from a small town and has lived in small towns all his life until about a year and a half ago. Traffic drives him insane. Not just being in bad traffic, but more than, say, four other cars on the road, and he loses his shit. Never fails. Road work also gives him the low rages. So since we were out on a Saturday night in a good sized city in a high traffic part of town where the road was all tore up...guess what? THAT BOY O' MINE WAS NOT HAPPY. I was so glad when we finally got there and found a place to park and sat down and got some tasty food. Good Lord.

Sunday was interesting. Since the boy had paid for all our weekend meals so far I got our lunch at Red Robin. OMG internet! That shit was sooooo goooood! I needed to have the onion ring tower and the apple crisp for dessert, so I only ate half of my meal. I was quite proud of myself for that. Well, wouldn't you know it, I still ate so much that for the rest of the day I didn't need or want anymore food. I got a mild chocolate craving around 9 pm, but every time I thought about eating I felt kinda sick. And then right before bed around 1 am I got heartburn or indigestion or something related to the fact that I had eaten enough to feed a smallish nation ten hours prior. Peppermints saved the day.

I'd like to promise God and myself that I will never eat that much again. But you know me better than that, don't you internet?