To All the Men I've Loved...

Don't get too excited (I'm looking at YOU boyfriend), this isn't as glorious as it sounds. See, my boy and I have a thing we do. I've given him permission to ooogle any "cute black ladies" as long as they are on tv or otherwise so far away from him that he will never actually come into contact with them. He can feel free to share his erection-inducing desire for their girl parts with me. He can even suggest that I have wild lesbianic sex with them while he watches and then cums all over us. (He likes to say, "Any jizz I get on that other lady will just be incidental, honey. 'Cause that's all for you. Just for you." Grin. Thanks babe.)

Granted, when I gave him the ability to speak freely he didn't realize it meant I'd be doing the same thing with any men I found even slightly attractive on tv. Ha!

So here, because I feel like listing past and present obsessions, are some of the men I hanker for. Grrrrrrr, meow!

1)Daniel Craig: The new James Bond. So very, very smooth.
2)Eric Bana: It's the eyes. Deep.
3)Shemar Moore: Holy fuck! He's just plain hot-ass!!
4)Larenz Tate: Revived in a new tv show and cuter than EVER before.
5)Lenny Kravitz: He sings. Need I say more?
6)Clive Owen: I like an accent, ok? Wanna make something of it?
7)Hugh Jackman: Wolverine's not afraid to play gay for pay 7 times a week. That's hot.
8)Joe Flanigan: I'm a sci-fi nerd. This Stargate:Atlantis actor is my secret boyfriend.
9)Colin Farrell: It's the bad boy thing. And the fact that he's so damn fine.
10)Kelly Jones: None of you know who this is. And that's alright with me.

Trust?

My boyfriend and I had "the talk" after two weeks of already exclusive dating. (I know this because we saw each other EVERY night. He would have had to skip work to date anyone else.) I came to trust him quickly. The first date, really. I let him refill my Sierra Mist while not in my presence. Usually a big no-no. I could hear my mom's voice: "Don't ever leave your drink! If you do, don't go back to it! Don't take drinks from strangers!!"

There was just something about him. As the night went on, and our date lasted into the next afternoon (!!) he revealed so much of himself that I wondered if he were for real. Could any regular guy be this honest and open and straightforward? Was he softening me up for some big fall? Just trying to get into my pants with true-sounding tall tales of past hurt and rejection? I thought I would be more suspicious. I had no gut feeling telling me to head for a speedy exit by way of bathroom window. Had I suddenly lost my ability to read people? Or had I just found, luckily and by God, someone I could put faith in?

Trust is a four-letter word. Eventually we come to accept it. Or not.

Dooce

Thank you. Thank you so much for talking so openly about your depression. This is something I know well; I've been in and out of counseling since I was 15. I've had the hopelessness, the fear, the self-destructive tendencies and wild mood swings. I've been angry at myself because I couldn't "just make myself better," and I've been angry at God and the Universe for the same reason. I was even, for a time, resigned to believing that I was simply meant to be miserable if for no other reason than to be a cautionary tale for others: HERE IS HOW NOT TO BE.

I know better now. I am better now. It took medication and serious counseling, though. I tried 3 drugs before hitting on one that did the trick. Drug A made me so sleepy I almost fell asleep driving home from work. Drug B caused bruises and welts on my arms and legs. Drug C just plain didn't do anything. Fuckers. Effexor is my med of choice. For the past two years I haven't thought about killing myself at all. Or considered my breath a waste of oxygen. Or cried myself to sleep while wishing I were someone else somewhere else. Life is good, finally, and I worked hard to earn this good life.

Again, thanks and continued success.

Sincerely
citygirl