Friday, July 27, 2012
I'm pretty sure that my depressive episode this week was greatly fueled by cabin fever. For almost a full month we've had temperatures at 100 degrees or higher, and since I seem to be getting more and more sensitive to heat as I get older, I've been keeping my ass indoors.
Guess who's tired of it? Right, me! I'm a homebody from way back, so I never thought I'd get sick of sitting at home but OH MY GOD AM I EVER SICK OF SITTING AT HOME. I'm going to have to make a commitment to get out (without running errands the whole time) at least a few mornings a week. I felt so good yesterday just sitting at the library and reading for a while.
I also felt better for writing in the morning. I noticed this when I was working on that short story competition, but because I'm me and stubborn I refused to take note: I like writing in the morning. Or, at least, making notes on my stories and fleshing out details in the morning. I'll have to work that in, too. Preferably every day. It's Do My Opposite time again. When my body says, stay at home and lay around watching TV, I'll have to get my ass up, get out of the house and go write.
Enough about my discoveries! Here's something for you...
1) Entrepreneur might be able to help you fight fears and give good talk.
2) The University of Pennsylvania's Authentic Happiness website is filled with questionnaires to test your happiness level.
3) Apparently, blow jobs are good for women, too. Don't tell the menfolk!
4) Wanna see Brad Pitt's brother Doug in a goofy commercial? Sure you do!
5) I just found O*Net and My Next Move. Both sites are good for job seekers, especially anyone looking to change careers. You can take assessment tests, search for jobs based on what you like to do and look into over 900 careers. I plan to get into these this weekend. Fun times!
That's all for now. Since I skipped Music Monday this week, I'm gonna leave you with some tunes...
Have a magnificent weekend!
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I left the house today. It's not the first time in weeks or anything. But it is the first time in days that I thought I should leave the house and look nice.
Partly, this is because all my fall-back clothes are dirty. But also, I wanted to look better. I put in my eyebrow gel and swiped on lipgloss. I wore a good bra and covered my tired eyes with giant sunglasses. I pulled on decent clothes that aren't too big for me and stepped into the light.
All I did was spend 40 minutes at the library, but it helped. It helped to be out of the house without errands and lists and a strict budget. It helped to look like I cared about more than chocolate, The Young & the Restless and naps at noon. It helped to feel a breeze on my skin that was under 100 degrees and to be among the world outside that keeps turning in my absence.
I have been having one of those weeks where everything feels heavy. Like life is too much for me. Cooking, bathing, thinking, moving, doing; all felt like too much. Sure, I've gotten some things done, but just the day-to-day basics. Nothing new or different or fun or fascinating. Sometimes, too often, all I can manage is what's easy. Whatever I've done a million times - even if it hurts me.
I had a moment earlier in the week. I was reading an article on happiness that talked about the importance of having a mission. It struck me (as stuff like this so often does, when I'm not expecting a revelation) that I've never really had any long-standing positive missions in life.
For decades my main goal has been "getting through this." Not living or exploring or growing, but making sure I don't succumb to my overwhelming negativity. Not jumping out the sixth floor window of my college residence hall room. Not taking the blades out of my razor and using them for something harder than shaving. Not staying in bed all day and crying.
This article also said that for happiness we need an atmosphere of growth. And when we have a mission we create that atmosphere for ourselves.
No wonder I'm still sad about so much. Still stuck and confused and wandering the Earth with my hands tied behind my back. If your only mission is to not die, that doesn't allow for much growth unless you reside (unfortunately) in a war zone.
So, now what? I feel a bit lighter today; oddly enough, only after writing a lot about depression. And, I've turned off the TV for hours to be alone with my thoughts. How can I flip my mission so that it's not about Not Dying, but Living? Really living. Feeling good or feeling bad in an atmosphere of growth. How?