Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I Am The Prettiest Girl In The World

Just when I was about to let everyone know about how this, this and this changed my face, making it better forever, I end up with a giant cyclops-making zit in the middle of my forehead. Anyway...I'm living off samples from Sephora and the Olay website, but I must say, these creams are fantastic. My complexion overall is so much better. Add to that the fact that I hardly ever breakout now, AND when I do I can pop my zits without turning into Spot Girl. I love all three of these, but with Olay being the cheapest I'll probably give in and actually buy that one. If you decide to give any of these a try and you're like me, slathering upwards of 3 things on your face every morning, then use your new goodies at night in place of regular lotion. The Olay line even has an eye cream I need to consider...

Speaking of eye cream. I've tried plenty of passable ones. But I want a cheap miracle. You know, instead of going to sleep at a decent hour. Let's face it, buying a miracle cream is just way more fun. I'm seriously tempted by the current supposed god of eye treatments, Hylexin, but who wants to spend 95 bucks to end up disappointed? Right now I'm working on a Dove variety that has little illuminizers in it to brighten the eye area. It works well in conjunction with my True Match concealer.

My hair is a total bitch. What were once Saturday's smooth fluffy curls are now Wednesday's crack-ho snarls. I honestly believe that if I could just get my hair to do what I want at all times I'd be infinently prettier, calm, successful and approachable. I'd really love to try some expensive products. Like the Ojon stuff I've been salivating over for about two years now. Lucky magazine was first on the scene with this one, but once they talked about it in Essence I knew I'd never be able to get it out of my head! The cheapest product in the line is $18, so I'll need to forgo some accessories to hook myself up with these goodies. Another option would be the products from celebrity stylist Ellin LaVar. At least her collection starts at a more do-able $10.

Since my hair won't obey me, the only thing I can really control is what I put on my face. I'm faithful to my cleanser (I get the small one, it lasts forever) and sunscreen. Lip gloss is an absolute necessity. I'm in love with L'Oreal Color Juice and recently decided to try the Lip Shine Box from e.l.f. It was only $5, there was no way an addict like me could pass that up! Blush is a close second for me, and I alternate between Cover Girl and my Nars splurge, Taos. Yes, $25 is A LOT for blush, but it's really smooth and I need so little of it that I'll probably have it until I'm 50-years-old.

Eye shadow usually gets reserved for special occasions (like when I wake up, you know, NEVER). I own mascara and eye liner but I find putting them on/taking them off annoying, so I rarely ever even consider using them. But they sure do look pretty in my makeup caddy.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Summer Makes Me Angry

Some people happen to love hot weather, and you know what? I just don't get it. I can never NOT sweat in the summer time. And I sweat everywhere: in my head (bye, bye $50 hairstyle), under my boobitas, in the crook of my arm, behind the knees, in between my toes, above my lip, behind my ears...It never fucking ends.

Not to mention that everything, EVERYTHING smells bad when it's hot. We know why this is, right? Because PEOPLE STINK WHEN THEY SWEAT. So you can't even take a walk into an air-conditioned building without getting hit with random funky B.O. Anyone who's been flailing about outside will have crop-dusted their sweat stank ALL OVER various hallways, offices, restrooms and restaurants. Let's not forget how horrifying it is to get stuck in a funkified elevator...especially when the offender is in there with you. Dammit.

I believe I may have mentioned this before, but I am not a fan of the sun. Sure, it looks pretty illuminating flowers and stuff; and it makes food grow, blah blah blah, but it hurts. It hurts me anyway. In fact, if it's not somewhere around 30 degrees or less outside I have quite a violent reaction to being placed in the sun: I BURST INTO FLAMES. Then I'm forced to drive/walk while wishing I weren't on fire. If only sweat could put out the flames of my discontent, I'd be so much happier so much of the time.

Then there's THE BITCH FACTOR. This is the effect that takes place when I am exposed to summer heat and/or sun for longer than five minutes. I TURN INTO A SUPERNATURAL BEING OF INCOMPREHENSIBLE AND UNDENIABLE EVIL. You (meaning my poor boyfriend) can tell when TBF has taken hold whenever I begin to yell random obscenities at those I believe to be slowing my progress toward cool-down known as SITTING-ON-MY-ASS-IN-A-DARK-AIR-CONDITIONED-ROOM-WITH-ALL-MY-CLOTHES-OFF. These people will usually be those of the should NOT be DRIVING variety: old people, slow people, young people, middle-aged people, people with children, people with animals, people who enjoy the summer and drive like there is nowhere to be, and my personal love to hate - people who do not know where they're going. I often want to ram their cars just to teach them a lesson about driving fast like the Good Lord intended. Pedestrians also get to me during this sensitive time of year, and I can freely admit here under the cloak of anonymity that I usually want to run them over. I have never taken either of these actions mostly because I'm almost always carrying a passenger (also known as my poor boyfriend). All slowbies in my path should now bow down and thank the gods for my passenger.

Sweating isn't just an irritant for my hair. You ever tried to look cool and cutely dressed on a hot, humid day? It lasts for all of 10 minutes during the summer. I don't care how good I look when I leave home, when I get to my destination I will be soaked through in many unfortunate places. And that's WITH the cool breeze of freon in my car. I still have to walk to the car and to my arrival place, you understand.

Speaking of hair, you may be wondering why I still get $50 hairdo's when I have such summer issues. Well, friends, it's called A RELAXER, and if you start getting one you have to keep getting one every 6-8 weeks or see all your hair fall out. Or cut your hair. Or deal with having 1/3 Afro and 1/3 faux sleekness. None of those options is readily appealing to me, so I deal with the 'do.

I'm dealing with another heat related conundrum right now. MY OFFICE IS FUCKING COLD. Not just cold, really. There's a wind in here and it can't be warmer than 40 degrees. I am totally for air conditioning, obviously, but this makes no sense. Extreme heat to extreme cold. You know what this leads to? Sniffles. IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF SUMMER. I've been sneezy, drippy, snorty and stuffy for about a month now. I have a fit before bed and for about an hour after I wake up. Does anyone understand how difficult it is to answer phones while sneezing? Have any of you ever clogged up the receiver with snot before?

Not pretty. Shit.


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