Friday, February 03, 2012

Happy Friday: Something "Not So Nice"

Welcome to the end of the week, everybody! I heard something odd this Tuesday that I'd like to discuss with you.

I'd taken HUBS to work and spent the day with him at his job. He needed to get his car looked over, and it was just easier to hang out with him than do a lot of coming and going between his place of business and our house (which is about 20 minutes away).

Near the end of the rather long day, I went to the bathroom. HUBS works at an elementary school, and because there are children everywhere the bathrooms can sometimes be iffy. On this particular jaunt to the lavatory, I found a turd on the floor.

I told HUBS about it when I got back to his office, just so he'd be able to avoid it if he went in later. He decided to tell one of the custodians. After she cleaned the bathroom she stopped by his office. That's when she said this: Yeah, you were right. That's what that was. I also found something NOT SO NICE in the trash can, so I just replaced the whole bag.

HUBS thanked her, and when she walked away I told him what her "Not so nice" item had to have been: my maxi pad, which I'd wrapped up and put in the trash since there was no feminine product disposal unit around.

I'm confused. What's wrong with putting a pad in the trash? Was there some Menstruating Ladies Only restroom I should have used? I've been to HUBS' job many times, and no one has ever told me about it. What does this building filled with women do when they have their periods? Bury the pads and tampons in the field out back? Put them back in their purses? Eat the Goddammed things?

Look, I know the place is covered in kids and no one wants to discuss periods with an eight year old boy, but I was slightly offended. Is this not a natural part of life? More natural than say, finding turds on the floor? Come on, janitor lady, I know you're kinda old, but get with it. What do you think? Would you have been offended by what she said?

On to some internet things!

1) How drunk is your city?

2) Gay people should watch the Superbowl, too!

3) Spiders! Ants! Centipedes! Phantom itching explained!

4) Paste Magazine has a list for your every entertainment occasion.

5) OK, Octavia! I'm glad to have that cleared up, because I was worried for a minute that all you thought about was your weight!

That's all for me friends. Enjoy the Superbowl!

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

Can Underarms Be Too Fresh?

You'll remember me lamenting the failure of my non-aluminum deodorant a while back. Well, I finally gave up on it and bought some Dove Original Scent on sale for $2. But now I don't know; it might smell too good.

I picked my usual type of scent, which is always in the Clean! Fresh! Linen! spectrum. The Dove smelled fine on its own, and then I put it on...The scent is very strong. And like...Shampoo?

These are, by far, the freshest underarms I've ever had. Every time I lift my arms I get a shampoo slap to the nostrils. While it is far better than the Tom's of B.O. experience of the last couple months, do I really need my pits to smell this good? I haven't decided yet.

I was getting ready yesterday morning, and as is the case when I haven't showered in a couple days (SHUT UP!), I added a bit more deodorant. Now, you can't just add your standard number of swipes when you haven't bathed. My typical number is between five and seven. Yesterday I only used two. I've found that if you deodorize as though you just showered, it'll backfire.

All that fake fresh on top of even the tiniest amount of natural odor will turn on you around mid-day. You'll end up with one of four smells: Frito, foot, booty or old-man-peeing-on-the-subway.

If you're going for fresh and get Frito, you haven't done your job as a human. And, as far as I'm concerned, you only have two jobs as a human: treat other people like you'd want to be treated and don't be funky enough for everyone you pass to get a whiff. That's all. Really.

So, on Tuesday morning I did my job as a human. And, if you need to get out of the house fast without showering, just know that we appreciate you taking it easy on the deodorant, too.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Music Monday: Take It Easy

Sometimes you have to ease into the week as much as possible. Maybe that was my mistake today. I shot out of bed and started doing things by 8:40 am. Within two hours I was still getting things done but mentally worn out. I narrowly missed another panic attack and have likely been frowning for eight hours straight.

Things are feeling impossible again, so I want to know: How do you deal with the pressure?

Now, let's all relax away the Monday blahs...


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