Change Is Hard. Get Over It.

I broke out like gang busters the first two and a half weeks of this year. I made lists and plans and scheduled my days and got an article published on another website.

Then, last Wednesday hit. And I had a little panic attack over all the alerts that kept ringing on my phone telling me I needed to do this, that or the other thing. I managed to work on an essay I want to get published a bit on Friday, but that's been it.

I am in full avoidance mode.

Obviously, this isn't on purpose. I want to still be moving full-steam ahead. Instead, I spent over an hour on Twitter this afternoon. Since I was sick on Monday and had to really fight off a panic attack yesterday, I'm going to give myself a bit of a break on this.

I'll admit it, I almost had a full-on freak out about not getting more done. Luckily, before it took over I realized something:

ALL CHANGES THAT MATTER WILL BE HARD. I WILL FALTER FROM TIME TO TIME. GETTING BACK ON TRACK BY TRYING AGAIN IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

We get so wrapped up (especially around the beginning of the year) in changing, doing, growing and moving that we tend to forget that the biggest part of change is forgiveness of self when we get discouraged and trying to keep going when we don't feel like it.

Why is this so hard to remember? A lot of us make plans for doing things differently, have a setback and then say fuck it and go back to business as usual. At least, I know I do.

I'm working on GETTING UP AGAIN WITHOUT PUTTING MYSELF DOWN FOR FALLING IN THE FIRST PLACE. So should you.

We're only human.

Change is hard.

We'll make mistakes.

Give yourself a break.

Keep trying.

What do you try to keep in mind when you have a setback?

Music Monday: Christmas Is A-Comin'!

via

Well, that was quite a weekend for me, folks. I spent most of Thursday writing the first draft of an essay I hope to have published, got badgered by my doctor about losing weight on Friday and later had a panic attack at the grocery store. Nice, right?

I will admit that even though I'm planning to make nifty food gifts for everyone this year, I am not feeling Christmas spirit at all. HUBS and I tried to remedy this by getting five holiday films from the library this weekend and watching all but one so far. The result? I now want to stuff my mind with as many cheesy Christmas movies as possible. Here's what we've watched so far:

1) Jingle All the Way (Sigh...)
2) Arthur Christmas (Nice, better than I expected.)
3) The Santa Clause (Possibly the most boring Christmas movie I've ever seen.)
4) Santa Baby (Notable mostly for the fact that Jenny McCarthy's chin is broken out for the whole movie. Look, girls! Sure, she's got a hot body, but she's also got acne! She's just like us!)

Next up is the live-action version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The Grinch has always scared me a bit, so I'm a bit nervous about my response to this, but I'm diving in anyway! Any recommendations for holiday films we should watch to prep for the season?

OK, let's get to the music!









What's the silliest holiday movie you've seen?

I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.
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Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.

Tuesday Tipday: How To Make The World Seem Less Horrible

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There are times when it all gets to be too much. Even if your life is going pretty good, it can be difficult not to become obsessed with the screwy stuff going on around you. Anxiety about the state of things can lead to a host of physical and mental issues. Sometimes, a glass of wine at dinner just isn't enough.

Here are some tips to keep your brain from overloading on the deep and overwhelming problems of the world.

5 Ways To Make The World Feel Less Shitty

1) Stop paying attention, already: My first journalism class in college made us watch the news every night as homework. It wasn't long before the horrors of the mid-1990s were keeping me up at night. I simply knew too much. As soon as I finished that class I was done with the nightly news. It took me years to watch again on a regular basis. And you know what? You don't need to worry about not knowing enough, because the big stories will still get through. So give the constant CNN watching/political website reading/thrice daily major newspaper readings a break. Just long enough for your mind to stop spinning.

2) Focus your attention: No one person can do something about everything. Pick the stuff that most bothers you or that you feel you can work on the best and concentrate on helping with those issues. Volunteer at a food pantry. Raise money for homeless animals. Work at a non-profit that helps abused children. See? Don't you feel less scattered, angry and scared now?

3) Stop talking to her: Don't look at me like that, you know exactly who I mean! Anyone who's had more than one friend or close acquaintance in life recognizes The Negativity Queen. She doesn't just call to vent. She calls because her world is coming to an end and she needs your help. NOW. She calls after waking up from a drunken stupor and realizing her roommate shaved off all her vagina hair and she should probably move. With your help. In the next hour.

It doesn't even matter if she's making bad choices that lead to these catastrophes or if the bad just seems to follow her unassuming person around. Don't respond to the emails or return the calls for a bit. You've got stuff going on too, and there's nothing wrong with tending to your own business without someone else's drama clouding your mind. And yes, The Negativity Queen can be a guy. So, the next time you get a message from your buddy Frank about how his wife found out he cheated on him, threw his things into the driveway and set them on fire and he needs a place to crash; it's OK to pretend you're out of town.

4) Stress is for people named Ridge: I think there's a kernel in many of us that watches the news and goes, Crap. At least my life isn't that bad! The problem, of course, is that you're using another person's real misery to pump yourself up a little. I have a better idea, one that's helped me tremendously: Melodrama. A good soap opera or tear-jerker will give you the same result without actual lives being in ruins. Search for "soap opera death scenes", "soap opera fights" or "soap opera revelations" on Youtube. You'll feel better in no time.

5) Relax, worry gets you nowhere: I know, it's not easy to stop the crazy train once it gets going. That's how I had a panic attack in a grocery store parking lot after realizing I'd left my coupon book somewhere. But, if you can head the train off when you hear the gears starting up you'll be a lot better off. Have that wine. Watch a funny movie. Read a trashy magazine. Find what calms you and use it to stop the torrent of anxiety that's bubbling up. Sometimes the little things really can help.

Music Monday: Take It Easy

Sometimes you have to ease into the week as much as possible. Maybe that was my mistake today. I shot out of bed and started doing things by 8:40 am. Within two hours I was still getting things done but mentally worn out. I narrowly missed another panic attack and have likely been frowning for eight hours straight.

Things are feeling impossible again, so I want to know: How do you deal with the pressure?

Now, let's all relax away the Monday blahs...

Interesting Theories

In the interest of EXPANSION I've been reading a lot of books on freelancing, writing, creating an ideal life and personal branding over the last few months. Last night I was pouring over Be Your Own Brand, and some of the ideas really struck me.

I've wondered quite a bit on here (and during my general alone time) about why I procrastinate and sabotage myself. I've come to the basic conclusion that I'm afraid of a lot of stuff, but this book made me think something else is also behind it.

The authors write about the importance of authenticity when building a brand. People, they say, will trust you faster and longer when they feel you're being real with them. Which, aside from making total sense, I believe I'm good at doing. But, they also mention three important components of authenticity: purpose, vision and values.

I have the strongest handle on my values (the stuff that's important to me), a little bit less of a grasp on my vision (What do I really want out of life? To make movies? Become a pro-blogger? Make money selling my photos?) and almost no idea of what my purpose (Really, why do I specifically exist in the world?) is.

The purpose part is what really bugged and stuck with me, because here's what they say about purposeless folks: people without it have no grounding for their values, no motivation to act and nothing that inspires desire.

NO MOTIVATION TO ACT AND NOTHING THAT INSPIRES DESIRE.

That's not a direct quote, but that's what hit my heart hard. That phrase pretty much describes my whole life. I've got lots of big goals and plans and dreams, but have made very little effort to bring much of anything to fruition.

The Why am I here? question has nagged at me since I was a little kid. It comes to the forefront whenever I have a deeply depressed moment that leaves me feeling like a wasted bag of useless existence. But, really? I've never had a very strong feeling of Oh! This is why I'm here!

Even when I get an inkling of that feeling, my brain stops it with But that's silly. I can't be here to help people with their screenplays. Or, How could I have been put here just to rescue stray cats?

Is this it? Is this really why I lack enough ambition to push through fear and act on what I want with few limitations? Has this been the root of my depression all these years? Is this what's actually causing my newly acquired panic attacks? Is this the root of my general passionless mood, something that's been with me for decades?

I swear. The more I read, the more I see how screwy I am.

What about you? Do you know why you're here?

Happy Friday: Web Wanderings & Panic Attacks

Happy Friday, all my peeps! I hope you're ready for a perfect weekend, because, why would your weekend not be perfect, am I right?

I had a bit of a wrench thrown into my perfectly planned day this morning. I had just finished brushing my teeth when someone called from a company I had applied for a job at last Friday. I know, this doesn't sound bad at all, right? Except for the fact that I have a tendency to over-think this job/money stuff.

After we got done with about a half hour of phone interviewing and I called PT to tell her what happened, I called HUBS. And as I spoke to him, I started to panic.

This hasn't happened since early this year, but now that I've looked it up on the trusty ol' Web MD, I can say for sure that I've been having actual panic attacks. Not just panicking or freaking out, but having actually medically defined PANIC. ATTACKS.


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I know what you're thinking, why would the first step of a job offer make me panic? Well, the job would be full time and require some Saturdays, meaning it would eat up all the possible times for me to interview my chefs and bartenders, meaning if I got it I'd have to stop writing.

And if I stopped getting paid for writing in order to take a "stable" job with a reliable paycheck that I'd undoubtedly dislike, I would completely negate the decision I made to leave my previous job to do more creative, enjoyable work. You know, just for the money. Which HUBS and I desperately need.

All these attacks start the same: a get a bit nervous, then fearful, and then I begin to pace and talk fast and my heart races as I become angry at getting scared and worrying before anything has even happened; I start to have trouble catching my breath and I sweat and talk even faster and start to cry and...You get the idea.

The only thing that calmed me down today was HUBS saying that he'd rather stay poor than have me take another full time gig I'd hate that would remove most possibility of me being able to get paid to write (in the capacity that I write now, anyway). Well, that and recalling the fact that TUX threw up on the living room wall as I was doing my phone interview. HUBS laughed and it was all good again. Thank God for HUBS, y'all.

Of course, none of that panic does anything. Especially considering that within an hour and a half of the interview I got an email saying other people were more qualified for the job, so phew! On the upside, all that pacing (about an hour's worth) gave me a good start on today's cardio. Score!

Aaaaaanyway...On to brighter things. This fascinating place we call the internet has recently offered up some new and interesting corners to explore and I feel the need to share with my lovelies. Do you ever feel like the web is overwhelming? I do. I sit down with a set idea of what I want to read/do online. But, suddenly I've got 18 tabs open that are filled with things I have to read even though I didn't know they existed just moments before.



Oh well! On to linkage and happy weekends!

*Free, downloadable music mixes!

*If you were a reader of Sassy magazine as a teen or Jane as a young adult, you'll probably did this.

*Meet Madeline, she just moved to a part of the country where she doesn't know anyone.

*Make your ideas happen!

*Handy guides to help us navigate the good stuff online and apply tech tips to our lives.

*This movie was amazing and I'll be getting the soundtrack as soon as someone sells it on half.com.

*All the cool business, tech, social media and design news/tips you could want in one place.

*25 FREE calling cards until 9/23!

That's all from me for now, but tell me: Does the internet ever overwhelm you?