Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.

Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.


Patricia Weber said...

Wow, what a step of faith being so self-revealing. I appreciate that most about this post.

Good music to pep you up is a good first step! LOL.

I have two ideas for you if you like? If not, you don't need to accept this post:

1) It seems you are a God believer. LIkely He has already forgiven you for any thing that might have been wrong doing. So, are you more powerful that you can't forgive yourself? Are you focused on the possible mistake rather than stepping up in faith with good works now? Just a question to noodle around.

2) When I have negative charges, those suck-the-life-out-of-the-situation feelings, I use some kind of release method. One of my favorites is the Sedona Technique. Another is chakra clearing. Still another is simple meditation. Or if it's that bad, all three.

Patricia Weber, LinkedIn Group BHB

Citygirl said...

Hey, Patricia, thanks for the visit and comments!

I get that forgiving myself might go a long way toward opening me up to be able to move on. I don't really know how, though. Other than saying to myself, Well, I did it and can't change it. Forgiving seems too much like letting go of my responsibility for what has happened since leaving my job. Does that make sense?

Mostly, I've been doing a lot or reading about networking, career/life reinvention, creativity, shyness...Anything I can get my hands on to get ideas for turning things around.

But I know that while all this reading and thinking is good, I also have a tendency to prepare obsessively rather than act. Because, as usual, I'm scared of what might happen.

And even though I hate most about where my life is now, the idea of taking action and falling flat on my face is even scarier than staying where I am. It's the same type of fear that kept me in an un-fulfilling job for almost 10 years.

Wow. I think this might be the longest comment reply I've ever written!

Bindu said...

I can understand how much you hated your old job. The dream may be a reminder to do things you really want to do with your life.

Citygirl said...

I'm sure it is, Bindu. I have a constant fear that I will die with nothing accomplished.


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