Music Monday: Jesus H. Christ

Just enjoy the kitty cats...Take comfort in the kitty cats...

Ah, life. I hope all of yours are going very well, because over here? Things are kinda shitty.

What is it about bad, sad things? Why do they come in waves and droves faster than you can adjust to one sucky thing? These past couple of weeks are pretty easy to explain, so let me do it by making a list...

Suck-A-Thon 2013

1) That new freelance gig I got at the end of February? Two weeks ago my hours got cut. IN HALF. And I was already working part-time. (-$$$$)

2) The very next day, HUBS' glasses broke. ($$)

3) By the end of the week one of our cats was sick. ($)

4) We exhaust all the cash in the house and one small savings account for bills and living expenses. (-$$)

5) Our cat gets sick again, but this time needs several days in the hospital and a surgery, just completed today. ($$$$$$)

6) I've been happily getting much needed medical tests for over a month. And now, when those bills come in it will be severely nerve-wracking. ($$)

7) My last big check from work should have been here by the 1st. I STILL DON'T HAVE IT AND THEY WANT ME TO WAIT UNTIL WEDNESDAY BEFORE THEY CUT ME A NEW ONE. (-$$$)

What really kicks my ass here? This is our fault, going WAAAAYYYYY back to neither of us saving enough money when we were on our own (with the exception of my now depleted 401K). Back to me not leaving my old job A LOT sooner, leading to an emergency exit that we still have not bounced back from. Back to the depression that makes it really hard to just stick with it and keep going all the time.

So. I literally spent the past 8 hours looking for work. And was able to apply for a whopping three jobs that I'm qualified for which don't involve toilets or garbage. Don't think I'm being picky; I will probably be applying for those by the end of the week.

Why does life kick us when we're down?

I'm trying to be Zen about all this. What do I need to learn from all this? What can I do better? How can I do better?

But, really? I'm just pissed. And nervous. And very unsure about our future.

My skin has broken out and I get queasy several times a day. I'm crying more than I have since starting depression meds and it's hard to sleep.

Well, I'm going to stop talking about this now and play some music.









How do you get through when life keeps kicking you in the teeth?

I Have A Wrinkle

Oh, boy. Here we go...

I know what you're thinking:

Why is this lunatic (You do know I'm a lunatic, right?) worried about one wrinkle? Isn't she almost 40? Fuck her!

Look, I understand how this sounds. It's not like I have NO wrinkles, but they are specific to the faces I make. So, when I laugh the laugh lines appear and when I'm not laughing they go away.

This wrinkle? This wrinkle is threatening to implant itself in my face and stay around no matter what I do with my facial skin.

I don't like this at all.

Why God, whhhyyyyyyy?! I'm too young for permanent face folds!!

The only reason I noticed it, is the giant zit I've had in between my eyebrows for the past week. I'm a little bit OCD, so I simply cannot leave a zit alone. I have to make it go away. Hence, I've been examining my between-brows area in detail for DAYS.

A couple of days ago I saw the weird line. What's that? I thought innocently. I pulled my forehead back, it was still there. I made my face expressionless, it was STILL there. Then I went the other way, I did this:





And there IT was! My permanent scowl/knit eyebrow wrinkle! Yeah! Aging is SO, SO AWESOME!

I mean, what the hell, people? I don't make this face on a regular basis. Maybe when I yawn. Maybe when I sneeze. I'm not doing any of that crap 24/7.

Is this what it's going to be like from now on? Everyday I'll wake up with a new wrinkle that makes no sense for my life, you know, just because?

I've been inundating the area with lotion and mild exfoliating treatments...No dice, y'all. It's STILL FUCKING THERE.

Oh, well. It's AGING or DEATH, right?

Also? Stay out of the sun:

Music Monday: Not A Big Deal

Ah, therapy. Is there anything better than sitting down with a virtual stranger, spilling your guts and crying in panic at unexpected moments?

Yes. There's lots of shit better than that.

But, you know, not a big deal. So what that I went to see my therapist on Saturday and almost had two panic attacks over nothing in front of her. So what that she suggested anxiety is more of an issue than depression right now and I should call my psychiatrist for anxiety meds. So what that I'm clearly letting my social anxiety take over and I'm slowly becoming agoraphobic.

I can handle this.

I CAN.

I CAN REALLY HANDLE THIS.

And to prove it to myself I left the house today even though I didn't feel like it. I'm doing that every day. I have to. I need to. I can't end up locking myself away. So, even if I'm just leaving (like today) for a 10 minute drive, I'M DOING IT DAILY.

Tuesday Tip Day: Surviving The Suck Cluster

Julia's been there. We've ALL been there.

Sometimes life is pretty good. You like your job, you make good money, you have fun with your friends and stay healthy and happy.

But, you know, every now and then (or maybe more frequently than that) you feel fortunes turning against you. Everything seems off, wrong or downright bad and sad and hard to get through.

You know it when it happens.

You can tell it's coming.

You've hit what I like to call The Suck Cluster.

Unfortunately, I'm in one of these right now, and really? I've been in it since 2009. Sure, I've got a job that's going well now, so some of the pressure is off. But life has felt like a long bout of one-step-forward-two-steps-back for years.

Most recently? HUBS and I realized that our house is falling apart around us (rotten bathroom floor, rotten sill plate, flooding basement, screwed up kitchen...) and can no longer wait to be fixed. I'm having some mental issues that are affecting normal...marital functioning. My mom called me crying last week because her aunt (who she'd gotten very close to since my grandmother passed) is dying. And, on Friday, I fell down my basement stairs and needed x-rays and a few days of recovery to feel just somewhat back to normal.

Yeah, welcome to my Suck Cluster.

As with most things in life, what really matters is how you handle stuff when your own personal Suck Cluster comes calling. Here are some things that can help you navigate the tough times.

Surviving The Suck Cluster

1) Rest: You might be sad or depressed a lot from feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders. The best thing to do? NOTHING. Sleep later, nap when you need to, lay around and read, watch a funny movie...Do whatever you need to in order to relieve the pressure. If you're a control freak or simply like making plans and getting things done it'll probably be hard but you'll need to reign those tendencies in a bit to get through without wearing yourself out.

2) Do A Little Something: Whatever the issue (dying relative, illness, injury, house foundation that's rotting away under your feet...) you'll need to get something done or decided on a regular basis so you feel like you're taking care of things. For me that means seeing my therapist every two or three weeks, taking my meds, checking up on my mom and slowly re-tiling my new bathroom floor, among other things.

3) Talk: If you keep the suckiness bottled up inside it'll fester, I honestly believe that. This is what friends, therapists, spouses, parents and journals (no, those don't involve talking, but they work all the same) are for. Get all the crap that's happening and your feelings about it out so you can get on with your life. Ruminating does no one any good; it will stop numbers 1 & 2 in their tracks so that you simply can't make progress or relax. The last thing you need added to your Suck Cluster is a panic attack or worry-related sleep deprivation.

4) Release: Prepare yourself. There is no anger like the anger of a Suck Cluster. With every disappointment and bad thing that comes your way in quick succession, you WILL feel like the universe is piling on for no good reason. You're being punished. You've been forsaken. Whatever sentiment the anger is related to, you need to get that aggressive energy out before you explode all over someone who doesn't deserve it. Exercise, watch violent movies, cheer audibly as terrorists die...figure out what works and do it as often as possible.

5) Remember: If you're online a lot, and most of us are now, it can seem like you're the only one having any problems. Well, you're not. Never have been and never will be. Simply keeping that in mind can help with number 4.

YOU'RE NOT BEING PUNISHED OR TARGETED, YOU'RE JUST ALIVE. AND, WHEN YOU'RE ALIVE SHIT HAPPENS. SOMETIMES, ALL AT ONCE.

You'll deal. Because you can. Because you have to. Because, even if you don't know it, you WANT to.

What do you do when everything seems to go wrong at once?

Happy Friday! What Have I Done For Me, Lately?

I know Easter's been over for almost a week, but this video of a baby bunny eating and cleaning its face is AWESOME.


It occurred to me that since we're in the fourth month of the year, I should probably take a look back at the massive list of goals I set for myself in January and see how I'm doing. What have I managed so far?

Accomplishments: Jan-April 2013

1) I'm making $ writing again!
2) I tried a podcast!
3) I check my professional email daily!
4) I add my blog posts to Twitter & Blogaholic!
5) I've left some food behind at a restaurant!
6) I limit pre-5pm TV watching to two hours daily Mon-Fri!
7) I'm practicing reading faster!
8) I hang out on our deck!
9) I've (almost) mastered winged eyeliner!

OK, so, nine out of 76 items isn't exactly an example of me going gang-busters on my goals, but getting a job was HUGE FOR ME. Plus, I'm sorta counting the things I'd starting doing (like blogging three times a week, making honest work of my creative ideas and working away from home) which I've fallen behind on since my gainful employment.

And, also? I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about not being further along.

I've got time, and I think the best thing to do would be to keep my lists on my desktop so I can have constant reminders of what's important to me this year.

Now, let's move on to some cool internet stuff and remember to tell me: How are your 2013 goals progressing so far?

1) I do love me some Tina Belcher.

2) EW.com thinks they've found the 21 most annoying TV characters of all time. Do you agree?

3) RIP Roger Ebert. Here are 20 of his best movie pans.

4) If you like free music, here are the best places to get it online.

5) Finally, if you need to distress this weekend, there are some apps that can help you.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

I Might Be A Terrible Daughter

I talked to my mom on Monday. It had been a while since I spoke to her, I probably called her a week or two ago.

Being an only child who sometimes neglects to call her mom on a regular basis, I have often considered myself not the best kid in the world. But when PT called me Monday, well, I realized just how shitty I am.

PT had, apparently, called me on Saturday and left a message, but I hadn't listened to it or even noticed that it was her that called me because I'm sometimes crappy about picking up messages.

She revealed that last week was hard for her. I said, "Have you been sick?" And PT replied, "No, Adrienne, you know mom died on February 16."

Oh, shit. I forgot about the anniversary of my grandmother's death.

Of course she had a shit week! And I wasn't there for her. Even though at the beginning of this month I reminded myself to call mom around anniversary time. But, I didn't put it on my calendar, so I was wrapped up in my own bullshit and let it completely slip my mind.

She didn't give me any grief over it, but I know she wishes I'd called her. I could hear it in her voice. And you know what? I forget every year.

PT and her mom were very close. I know how hard her illness and death were (are) on mom, but I can't remember to do this one very basic thing for her once a year.

I don't know why this is. Really. Is it just my never-ending mental crap? My general dislike for talking on the phone (thanks to my 9 1/2 years as a receptionist/admin)?

Who the hell knows. I put a reminder on my calendar so I won't forget next year. Though, it doesn't change the fact that I feel I shouldn't have to do that.

My grandmother was a cool, calm lady who bought me my first purse, gave me a love of hats, never cursed and "smoked" cigarettes by lighting them and letting them burn out in the ash tray. Every time I think about her I wonder why I don't miss her more. Then I feel bad about it. Then I push those feelings way, way down because I really don't need anything else to feel bad about.

Maybe what I really am is a terrible granddaughter.

Dammit.

How do you deal with tough family things you'd rather stay away from but know you shouldn't?

5 Foods I'm Clearly Addicted To

I like to eat. It's that simple. As much as I know I need to watch what I eat (and I try to), I just really, really love me some F.O.O.D.

Whenever I'm trying not to eat like a pig, these are the foods that can seriously trip me up.

5 Foods I'm Clearly Addicted To

1) Potatoes. My initial instinct is to blame my mom for this one. Apparently, while PT was preggers with me, there was a period of time where she could only eat potatoes without getting sick. Of course, I realize that means it was my fault she could only ingest potatoes and not her fault that I'm addicted to potatoes. Really, any form of tater is good for me. Fries, baked, gratin, mashed...Fried. I had a lightening bolt moment a couple of weeks ago. HUBS makes this thing he calls Crazy Potatoes; he nukes about 6 or 7 of them, mashes them up and adds a shit load of butter and sour cream. As you can imagine, they are really good. One night I was eating these taters off the communal plate and it hit me that I'd probably had 4 whole potatoes. No one needs that many in one sitting as a side dish to dinner! What was I doing?! So, I've stopped eating the Crazy Potatoes. Luckily, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.

2) Bread. My God. This is really all I need. Some veggies and a crapper load of bread and I've got myself a meal. I'm open to any variety except rye and black. And, because of that, I had to reign myself in several years ago. I try to stick to 4 pieces of bread a day or less. That includes bagels, cornbread, rolls, crackers, pitas, and flatbreads. Keeping my bread desires tamped down is a lot harder than my need for potatoes, but we all have our crosses to bear.

3) Cheese. I used to stick with American, mozzarella and cheddar. Then I discovered Colby, Monterey jack and pepper jack. Now I also eat provolone, gouda, fontina and specialty cheeses mixed with berries or rosemary or nuts. God! The shit is just good. It literally makes everything better. My hips are probably made of 50 percent cheese. And, honestly? I'm OK with that.

4) Chocolate. This must be an age thing. I was fine with chocolate when I was young, but I wasn't crazy for it. When I was a teen I craved sweets but never chocolate specifically. Then I moved out of my mom's place after college and discovered chocolate chips melted with peanut butter. That was all it took for me to have occasional moments where I space out and daydream of eating my way out of a vat of warm, melted chocolate with a box of vanilla wafers to scoop the sweet stuff up. This is the number one reason I started exercising again; so I can continue eating this insane level of chocolate without getting diabetes. Oh, yes.

5) Dessert. Speaking of sweets...Know what I used to do? As a kid, I'd wait until my dad was at work and my mom was asleep. I'd sneak into the kitchen, get the cream cheese out of the fridge, set myself up next to the sugar bowl on the table and stick thinly sliced bits of cheese into the sugar and eat them. That, my friends, is a dangerous sweet tooth. Let's understand, I don't consider fruit dessert. I can eat fruit for an after dinner snack, but it's not the same. Dessert must be ooey, gooey and bad for me in order for me to consider it true dessert. Give me your cakes and pies, your muffins and scones, your donuts and cookies. I will eat them and have fruit some other time.

What foods are you addicted to?

Music Monday: Moving Right Along

I mentioned a few weeks ago how my therapist wanted me to consider going back on medication for my depression. I thought about what she said, that since I've been depressed off and on (mostly on) for over twenty years the root cause is probably a chemical imbalance that lifestyle changes alone won't take care of. She might be right. Lord knows I've had trouble keeping any momentum going even with things I love to do, so I talked to my doctor and started Zoloft Friday.

I had some nausea and dizziness over the weekend, luckily I think that was just my body getting used to it because those symptoms were gone today. It'll take a while for it to really kick in, but I'm hoping that knowing the medicine is there to support me will help me get a move on and keep going. Wish me luck!

Now, let's do some music!

(Not Really) Happy Friday: Pleasant Distractions

Well, just when you thought today was going to be no shittier than a normal day...I've spent a significant amount of time watching comedies (The Five Year Engagement), Christmas movies (Desperately Seeking Santa) and old TV shows (Highlander) just to get away from the news.

If you're a worrier or a depressive or a cynic, it can be difficult to listen to breaking news like we got today without going a little nutty, even if you don't know anyone directly involved. So, my prayers go out to everyone in Connecticut and let's get ourselves to an extra long list of internet goodies. Be well, friends.

1)Christmas is around the corner. If you ever wonder what the super rich give each other, Hello Giggles has an idea. The $52,000 playhouse might be my favorite. And by favorite I mean most insane waste of cash ever.

2) Kitten dance party, anyone? I think we need it!

3) If it weren't for the relatively small size of these animals/insects, humanity would be in for a world of freaky ass hurt.

4) Lions and tigers are big enough to hurt people. These zoo videos show why we need so much unbreakable glass between us and the beasts.

5) Frogs are people, too.



6) Still doing your holiday shopping but wondering what's appropriate to spend on certain people in your life? What Should I Spend is here to help!

7) Rap music has never been funnier.

8) Holiday shopping for a lot of guys? This list of gift ideas won't steer you wrong.

9) Behold the tranquil beauty of these 10 baths with amazing views, and, if you're lucky, plan a trip.

10) Finally, here's links to 14 holiday films you can watch online.

That's all for now. Go enjoy the weekend!

Music Monday: Christmas Is A-Comin'!

via

Well, that was quite a weekend for me, folks. I spent most of Thursday writing the first draft of an essay I hope to have published, got badgered by my doctor about losing weight on Friday and later had a panic attack at the grocery store. Nice, right?

I will admit that even though I'm planning to make nifty food gifts for everyone this year, I am not feeling Christmas spirit at all. HUBS and I tried to remedy this by getting five holiday films from the library this weekend and watching all but one so far. The result? I now want to stuff my mind with as many cheesy Christmas movies as possible. Here's what we've watched so far:

1) Jingle All the Way (Sigh...)
2) Arthur Christmas (Nice, better than I expected.)
3) The Santa Clause (Possibly the most boring Christmas movie I've ever seen.)
4) Santa Baby (Notable mostly for the fact that Jenny McCarthy's chin is broken out for the whole movie. Look, girls! Sure, she's got a hot body, but she's also got acne! She's just like us!)

Next up is the live-action version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. The Grinch has always scared me a bit, so I'm a bit nervous about my response to this, but I'm diving in anyway! Any recommendations for holiday films we should watch to prep for the season?

OK, let's get to the music!









What's the silliest holiday movie you've seen?

Music Monday: Aaaaand, I'm Old!

So, I'm a year closer to middle age today. Congratulate me! I realize 38 is far from old these days, but I have not been feeling young at all. My issues? Let's make a list!

1) I've been getting nose bleeds. My nasal passages are super sensitive to dry heat, so I have trouble every winter once we turn the heat on anyway. But now, since my sinus infection, they've been worse. Even though I use a humidifier on high every night.

2) My skin won't stop breaking out. First it was my chin, then my forehead and my neck and my chin again. Ack!

3) My knees are killing me. They creak and pop and hurt whenever I sit down or get up. I've been exercising regularly for over a month, but it's not helping.

4) For the past week or so I've been exhausted. I'm wiped out by 11 pm nightly. Is this it for me? Do I need to start eating dinner at 5? This reminds me of two years ago when I realized I couldn't stay up all night anymore without being tired for an entire week afterwards. It was a crushing blow!

I have spent a quiet day trying to ignore all the stuff that's making me feel old and useless. What's that? You want another list. I can do that!

1) I did yoga and took a walk.

2) I danced naked to Bobby Brown's Every Little Step.

3) I watched two movies.

4) I ate free birthday food for lunch and plan to get more.

5) I ate dark chocolate fudge stripe cookies and dark chocolate pretzels.

6) I opened the windows and let the cool November air fill the house while I bundled up on the couch.

I know, not exactly an exciting day. But, music makes every day more interesting. Let's enjoy some!









How do you like to spend your birthday?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

My mom cared for my grandmother for 10 years of her life. For the last eight of those years, they lived together.

The most important thing for P.T. was my grandmother. While that's completely understandable and commendable, it meant mom did things like go a whole day without eating, forgetting to take her blood pressure pills and skipping her own doctor's appointments.

In short, P.T. lost her mind.

If there's one thing I've learned in the six weeks I had to help HUBS while he was on medical leave, it's that the person you love may be sick, but if you devote all your time to them you'll lose yourself, neglect yourself and get bitter.

Here are my tips for staying sane when caring for loved ones.

How To Care For Others Without Losing Your Mind

1) Calm down. It's hard to be in pain. But I know that it's also incredibly difficult to watch someone else experience pain (especially if you love them and can't do anything to help them). Try to find constructive ways to release that anxiety. Scream into a pillow, punch a stuffed animal. Watch a reality show filled with stupid people (That's 99% of reality shows! You won't have trouble finding one!) and yell at the screen. Yessss...Better.

2) You matter, too. Get regular checkups. Take your medicine. Bathe, for God's sake. But! Don't just do the things you have to. If life is chock-a-block with responsibilities but no fun, you'll get miserable pretty damn fast. Find time to read your favorite magazines, work on your illustrations or have coffee with a friend. You'll be a better care-taker if you remember that your body and mind need nurturing too.

3) Don't fear boundaries. In order to get all this "me" time in between medication schedules, procedures and appointments, you might need to tell your patient that there are certain times of the day and/or week when you'll be doing your own thing. If taking a three hour bath while you drink wine and watch porn is the only thing that'll relax you, step up and let them know you need that time. You porn addicted winos, you.

4) Separate is not equal. If you're dealing with someone whose mental or physical functioning has dropped dramatically, it can be hard to separate them from their illness. Thereby making it easier to get mad when they do/say bone-headed things. Remember - they are not the illness. Now, if they constantly treat you like crap, that will need to be discussed. But, a bit of poor attitude is to be expected when a long-term debilitating condition sets in. Get mad at the condition and find a way to lighten the mood for both of you.

Are these steps easy? Not at all. Plus, it'll take some self-control not to fall back into a them-them-them mindset. But, as doing yoga and going to bed early have taught me as of late, you'll be glad you made the effort.

Have you ever cared for a sick family member or friend for a long period of time? Hit the comments and let us know how you coped.

Happy Friday: Sorta Kinda

People? I am not having a good week. I'm sick, sleep deprived, achy, irritable and tired of things that should be simple turning drastically more difficult (and more expensive). So, in order to DO MY OPPOSITE, let's not go into too many details, OK? Here's what went right this week...

1) I finally had work done on my car so I could get my tags renewed.
2) When my horn shorted out and wouldn't stop honking, a nice apartment manager named Jessie helped me and even called her maintenance men in from lunch to look at my car.
3) I have not died from whatever cold/allergy/demon sinus infection I've gotten.
4) I started reading The Depression Cure and think I can integrate the changes into my life.
5) I wrote a cool blog post while trapped at the mechanics yesterday, it'll post next week.
6) Also while getting my car fixed? I solved my glitchy phone issues. At least for now.
7) We're getting a steady stream of sensible rain today, plus it's not hellishly hot. I really appreciate that!

Now! Internet awesome!

1) Maybe The Pomodoro Technique can help us "eliminate the anxiety of time."

2) The Scale of the Universe 2 is a website created by two 14 year old twins. And if you want to see how big you are in relation to the St. Louis Arch, a shrew, a twip and a lot of other stuff massive or massively tiny, you'll love it. I was trapped on here for half an hour Wednesday. But! It's OK! You learn things!

3) The wonderful weirdness that is Retronaut has skeletons of our favorite cartoon characters.

4) It's possible I'm behind the curve on this one, but I just found 12 Most. The site has great lists that'll help you learn stuff in business, media and lifestyle categories.

5) Finally, if you've started storing files in the cloud, Techlicious has a safer way to do it.

That's all for me, lovelies. I'm going to go get the tags for my car and try to exercise some before collapsing into a wickedly tired heap. Have a great weekend!

What's gone right for you this week?

Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

Music Monday: Just Me?

Is it my imagination, or is time passing by faster? I woke up today with a firm plan to accomplish amazing things, was quickly derailed by a mental paralysis unique to those of us dealing with strained financial issues, and saw my day fly by completely without my noticing. Now I'm in a rush to get anything at all done before nightfall catches me by surprise.

Oh, well. We all have our crosses...

Tuesday Tipday: How To Make Housework Less Horrible

...

I don't know about you, but I find housework to be a necessary evil. Of course there's a momentary sense of accomplishment when I finally complete some chore or other. But, I'm always irritated by the fact that within a week all that hard work will need to be done again. Here are some tips to make the process less painful.

How To Make Housework Less Horrible

1) Make it enjoyable: Unless you find sweeping, dusting and baseboard cleaning relaxing, I know this might seem impossible. But! We have music for a reason, you know. Blast the most distracting, fun, dance-your-ass-off tunes, get in the mood to move and cleaning will go by faster than you know.

2) Make it necessary: Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you make your bed everyday before school to teach you about responsibility...or something? Stop that. If housework gives you fits, stop doing the things you don't have to do, or at least stop doing them so often. Don't move all your furniture to vacuum on a weekly basis; maybe do it once every two months. Ease up on yourself for God's sake!

3) Make it even(er): If your spouse and/or kids and/or long-term house guests aren't pulling their cleaning weight, it's time for that crap to end. Sit them down and tell them that you will no longer do everything. Make assignments that require them to take care of their duties on a regular rotation that you can both agree on. Then, let it go. Try to forget how you would do it as long as it gets done; otherwise you'll stress yourself out and might as well still be handling it yourself.

4) Make it slow: I know. It's hard to keep up with the little stuff with everything else going on. But, I also know what's it's like to let all the dusting, baseboard cleaning, window washing, laundry and furniture cat-hair de-fluffing go until it all needs doing at once. Pick a day, pick a thing, do that and only that and get on with your life. Then next week (day, month...year) do it again.

*What household chores do you hate?

*I cannot stand to vacuum. I feel like I'm dying when I do it, which is how HUBS ended up on vacuum duty as of two years ago.

Music Monday: So, I've Started That Again

The following is an open letter to a very specific part of my stubborn psyche.

Dear Mental Blockage,

Alright. You have to stop this. You need to apply for work to get work. Just because you've been rejected sight unseen by Best Buy, several local TV and radio stations, newspapers and libraries, WalMart and Blockbuster doesn't mean that you will never get work again. It only seems that way.

You did good today; applying for your first job in a month and a half. Nordstrom would be lucky to have you. And if they can't see that another company will. Also, if that's the case? Fuck them. Forever and a day.

Notice how relatively good and responsible you feel after the initial anger from job application idiocy subsides? Isn't that a good feeling? Don't you want more of that? OK! Keep applying for work! All we're asking is two job applications a day. That's not much! You can do it and still have time for lots of other things. Like playing with the cats and reading 900 page long fantasy novels.

I'm glad we had this talk, Psyche. I love you when you act like a rational human soul.

Now! Music!

I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.
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Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.

Twitter Is Making Me Needy

...

Remember almost a month ago when I joined Twitter? I cannot lie to you, I've found it much more addictive than I ever thought possible. But there's a problem.

It's making me really, super needy.

See, it feels like this direct line to your favorite people. Whether they be actors, writers, singers, comedians, scientists, what-have-you. And watching them respond to what appear to be regular old folk opened up this possibility that they'd respond to me, too. And while it's possible that someone will at some point, for a week or two there it was driving me slightly batty that I was being ignored.

Not just by the famous people, but, seemingly, by everyone.

Part of this is my natural tendency toward shyness and how I've always wished it were easier for me to just jump right in and communicate with others. Really, how upset can you get about going unnoticed when you don't do much to get noticed?

I am happy to report, though, that I've mostly gotten over it. I've been tweeting my twitters in a vacuum. Posting, re-tweeting, reading and mostly not replying to anyone at all. I figure I'll keep that up until I can get over my shy-girl-in-the-corner-at-the-party feeling enough to engage other twits (Is that what we're called? Well, it should be.) without holding on to a desired outcome.

And now that I've added another major social media thing to my repertoire, I also feel slightly overwhelmed by all the information coming at me.

For instance, when I realized you could favorite tweets you like, I started starring things like crazy. I'm using it mostly as a bookmarking system for tweets that link to articles I want to go back and read.

What this means, though, is that now I've got things starred in Twitter and my Google Reader. Bookmarks in Explorer and Firefox. Favorites on YouTube. Favorites in my Yahoo and Netscape email accounts. Notes written down in notebooks and on scraps of paper. And tons of stuff pinned to my Pinterest boards.

I frequently find myself saying, Hey, I should tell people about X! Only to realize I have no idea where the fuck I stashed the info.

I suppose it wouldn't be technology if it didn't simultaneously make our lives easier and more difficult at the same time, would it?

How do you consolidate all your favorite internet info?

Dammit, Donna!

...

Disco lady Donna Summer is gone today. Remember how huge she was in the '70s and early '80s? When I was in college I bought a cassette tape of her greatest hits and wore that sucker out. She was only 63. Let's take a trip back in time, shall we?