Here's the Thing

I've been dealing with depression for a long time. Over half my life. I've tried six therapists of varying stripes and one psychologist. I've tried St. John's Wort and vitamins in every combination. I've tried exercise (possibly too much at times), gratitude journals, vision boards and light therapy. I've tried four different prescribed medications, an abundance of self-help books, losing myself in movies/TV/books and even eating (definitely too much at times). Nothing has ever made IT just go the fuck away. And what I'm finally realizing is that IT won't go away. Not completely, anyway.

I might not be my depression, but depression is obviously a big part of me.

All the things I've tried have helped a bit, but IT won't budge. IT's like the ocean; I have a low tide (Just get up and do what you need to do, already. Maybe you'll feel better.) and a high tide (I don't know what day it is and it doesn't matter anyway since I'm not getting out of bed).

High or low, IT's always around. And IT brings friends over on a regular basis. Worry, over-eating, sleepless nights, bed-ridden days, sudden sadness, sudden anger, fear, anxiety and procrastination have parties in my head on a weekly basis. I haven't been living with IT so much as I haven't been living because of ITs shadow.

Now that I finally get that IT isn't going to disappear in a miraculous puff of smoke like a life-sucking vampire that's finally been slayed into oblivion one day, I'm just trying. Over and over again. Every day, and sometimes multiple times a day, to...

NOT MAKE EXCUSES
NOT USE DEPRESSION AS A CRUTCH
FIND A WAY OUT, THROUGH, UNDER OR OVER IT
BEGIN AGAIN WITH HOPE

This? This knowing that IT'll probably always be with me a little? Honestly, the thought is oddly a tiny bit freeing. I didn't do medication wrong or therapy wrong or miss some depression blasting exercises that were all the rage. This is just me. And I can try to weather high tide moments by repeating my new favorite Buddhist saying:

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.

Do you have a motto that keeps you going during difficult times? Share it in the comments!

Music Monday: Perfect Timing

Sometimes you happen upon things for a very good reason. I had a rough night; I was sick and barely slept, and when I did fall to sleep a bit it was on the couch so I could be as close to the bathroom as possible.

I spent most of this morning and early afternoon on that very same couch, trying to piece myself back together for work, chores and the household fix-up HUBS and I had planned for later today.

The only thing I could really do with any consistent focus was finish my April issue of O Magazine. There, on page 169, was an article by Lauren Slater called Getting Lighter. In it, she talks about her decades long depression and how it made even the simplest of tasks (taking a shower, putting on non-pajama clothes) become more and more difficult; and how she's striving to feel better by making sure she looks better (new clothes, new hair cut, a well-made-up face even though she's only sitting at home writing...).

Now, it's confession time. I am sometimes so exhausted just from being alive and trying all day long not to panic or worry or get sad for no good reason, that I frequently skip bathing. Not for one day; hell taking showers every other day on a regular basis would be excellent for me. I sometimes skip showers for days at a time; four or even five to be exact.

I find bathing tiring in a way that no personal grooming should ever be. Admittedly, about 70% of this is me being woefully out of shape and actually (dammit, I'm confessing again) getting winded when I shower. The other 30% is my desire to not be reminded of how out of shape I am by seeing myself naked and sweating through my shower because of the mild, mild cardio I get from it.

Also in that 30%? Not wanting to move. Never, ever wanting to move.

I'm entirely too comfortable sitting, all day every day. And for me bathing isn't just jumping in the shower, oh no. It's a whole series of exhausting steps: cleaning the bathtub, taking off my clothes, bathing, drying off, putting on lotion, putting on new underwear and clothes, cooling off (even if my shower/bath was already a cool one).

I am trying to do better, I honestly am. The thing that has struck me since starting medication for depression again is that it's almost worthless without my effort. This is probably why I've had few real successes in my life (lofty dreams and unfinished plans, acquaintances and few friends, jobs but no fulfilling career to speak of).

I'm scared to move. I'm scared to try. I'm scared to fail.

The giant-ass white pill I'm now taking isn't the cure-all. I am.

Happy Friday: A Creative Realization

Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums

I had an interesting epiphany last night. I was tired and had drug myself to the shower after a long-ish day.

While I was in there my mind started to wander. I was thinking about creativity and what it takes to risk failure or embarrassment in the effort to have your voice heard, and something came to me. This might be something everyone else has known since the beginning of time, but it just occurred to me. And the thought is going a long way to quelling my creative fears.

No matter what you create, someone will hate it.

That's it. Do you see how freeing that is? Whatever creative thing you put into the world: novel, poem, painting, TV show, movie, dress design, textile pattern...SOMEONE WILL HATE IT.

Do you know what this means? It means we have no excuses. There's no point in worrying about how what you need to do (write, paint, design, etc.) will be received. You already know, upfront, that somebody is bound to hate it.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS CREATE, TO THE BEST OF OUR ABILITY, AND THINK ABOUT HOW TO LET THE PEOPLE WHO WILL CONNECT WITH OUR WORK FIND IT.

Because, just as sure that there will be people who'll hate what we do, there will also be people who love it, need it and want more of it.

That makes me feel good.

And slightly less scared to try.

Now that we're all relaxed, let's enjoy ourselves a little...

1) Photo buffs should check out the National Geographic tumblr. It's filled with rare pics, most of which have never been published. Much like The New York Times one from a few months ago.

2) Andy Dwyer. So dumb, and yet so awesome.

3) Some animals live a scary, freaky, long-ass time!

4) Want to grow your blog, business or brand without immersing yourself in a lot of expensive classes? Alt Summit can help for much less.

5) I've never read a Stephen King book, but I might read this one.

Enjoy your weekends, everyone!

Good Problems To Have

Ah, the '70s...

I don't think I've ever had this much trouble fitting my life stuff into my work day. I've got a friend I haven't called back in two weeks, a stove that needs cleaning, three writing projects waiting for my attention, groceries that need to be bought, blogs I haven't caught up on, my own blog I'm barely writing. The list is really non-the-fuck-stop.

And yet...

It feels really good to have this issue. I'm busy! I have irons in the fire! I have a little bit of a life that's more than fuzzy dreams and wishes.

I know a lot of people have WAY more stressful jobs than I do and have A LOT more difficulty organizing their non-work lives. I figure I need to do about four things to really get this down to a science...

1) Start going to bed at a reasonable hour.

2) Start waking up at a reasonable hour.

3) Figure out when I'm doing work stuff and stick to it.

4) Start working somewhere other than my house every day.

While it's true that I'm getting my work done, it's also true I'm developing some kooky life habits around that work. I think my naughty subconscious might be trying to chip away at me.

I'M NOT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN.

I'm going to sleep well, wake up fresh, do my yoga, have my breakfast and set this bitch on fire!

If There Is An Upside...

I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.

Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.

Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.

That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.

It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.

What have your hard times taught you?

I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?

Music Monday: Sticking To My Guns

Well, I did what I said I was going to do. On Saturday morning HUBS and I got out of the house and visited a couple of farmer's markets. I took a ton of photos with my "serious photographer" camera and played with the photo apps on my phone. Photography is something else I enjoy that's been missing from my life just like writing and running around the city. No wonder I was screwy last week.

Why do we torture ourselves by abandoning things we love to do? I think I get it now; when the world feels heavy, I should run to my hobbies instead of leaving them behind in a whirl of madness. The things we enjoy are around to comfort us, not give us trouble or make life difficult (mostly, anyway).

I also met up with the friends I made online a couple of months ago. We went to a brunch buffet and ate our asses off, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I also felt like a bit of a slob later, after waking up from an impromptu nap taken on the couch. What did I do about it? I exercised! Yeah, that's right. The girl who loves nothing more than sitting got off her butt and moved and lifted and sweat for 30 minutes.

I feel very good about this weekend. I also feel good about keeping progress going. Today I cleaned the bathroom, made a call I was afraid to make and applied for a job I believe I'll actually like. Yes. This is nice.

Music!









Is there anything you keep forgetting that you love to do?

Twitter Is Making Me Needy

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Remember almost a month ago when I joined Twitter? I cannot lie to you, I've found it much more addictive than I ever thought possible. But there's a problem.

It's making me really, super needy.

See, it feels like this direct line to your favorite people. Whether they be actors, writers, singers, comedians, scientists, what-have-you. And watching them respond to what appear to be regular old folk opened up this possibility that they'd respond to me, too. And while it's possible that someone will at some point, for a week or two there it was driving me slightly batty that I was being ignored.

Not just by the famous people, but, seemingly, by everyone.

Part of this is my natural tendency toward shyness and how I've always wished it were easier for me to just jump right in and communicate with others. Really, how upset can you get about going unnoticed when you don't do much to get noticed?

I am happy to report, though, that I've mostly gotten over it. I've been tweeting my twitters in a vacuum. Posting, re-tweeting, reading and mostly not replying to anyone at all. I figure I'll keep that up until I can get over my shy-girl-in-the-corner-at-the-party feeling enough to engage other twits (Is that what we're called? Well, it should be.) without holding on to a desired outcome.

And now that I've added another major social media thing to my repertoire, I also feel slightly overwhelmed by all the information coming at me.

For instance, when I realized you could favorite tweets you like, I started starring things like crazy. I'm using it mostly as a bookmarking system for tweets that link to articles I want to go back and read.

What this means, though, is that now I've got things starred in Twitter and my Google Reader. Bookmarks in Explorer and Firefox. Favorites on YouTube. Favorites in my Yahoo and Netscape email accounts. Notes written down in notebooks and on scraps of paper. And tons of stuff pinned to my Pinterest boards.

I frequently find myself saying, Hey, I should tell people about X! Only to realize I have no idea where the fuck I stashed the info.

I suppose it wouldn't be technology if it didn't simultaneously make our lives easier and more difficult at the same time, would it?

How do you consolidate all your favorite internet info?

That's All For Now

I don't have any photos of Grandaddy G. So, instead, I offer this picture of my husband and his older sister when they were little ones.

Grandaddy G passed away on Thursday. HUBS, PT and I went to the funeral yesterday morning. It was a nice service, and since he was in the Army they had military rites done at the cemetery.

A bit about Grandaddy G:

- He was a gunner in WWII
- His 92nd birthday would have been in two weeks
- He was always nice to me, and from what I've heard he was always nice to everyone else, too
- He enjoyed the fact that I could always pick him out in super old photos that I'd never seen before
- He loved restoring old cars and worked on them until a couple a years ago
- He was a loyal fan to the end of the St. Louis Browns and until recently still liked to talk about the 1944 World Series
- When he got back from the war he built his own house
- He loved animals
- He loved sweets but had to stay away from them since he'd been diabetic for years
- Because he was diabetic for so long, many of his nerve endings were damaged so he ended up being in far less pain than he would have been otherwise. Talk about everything happening for a reason...

It's impossible (I would think, anyway) to go to a funeral or watch someone deal with a life threatening illness and not consider (Reconsider?) what you're doing with your own time. When I heard the news on Thursday I found myself thinking Well, that's it. The last of HUBS and my grandparents. In 20-30 years our parents will be next. And 20-30 years after that, if we're all lucky, it'll be our turn.

I'm feeling the time crunch, is what I'm saying. For some reason, another 60 years tops just doesn't seem like much right now. Of course, it'll seem like less later because it'll be less. Suppose I better get to work.

Tuesday Tipday: Taming Your To-Dos

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Yesterday I told you about a book I read last week that offers tips for getting things done. The book was 18 Minutes, by Peter Bregman.

It's a quick, insightful read that I finished in just two days. I think the most important thing about this book isn't even the time management system he came up with, but the little nuggets of knowledge sprinkled throughout. Witness...

1) Pausing can help you make a smarter next move.

2) If your whole identity is wrapped up in one thing (your job, your status as a parent, the amount of money you have in the bank...) then the loss of that one identity will cripple you.

3) If you don't know what your life is about, you'll waste all your time even if you work your ass off.

4) Understand your obsessions and you'll be clued in to your natural motivators.

5) Passions are things you enjoy working at even if you feel like you're failing at them.

See? His book is filled with tidbits like this that make total sense as soon as you come across them.

What I love about his to-do system is that it's based not just on all the things you need to do on a daily basis (I've put "DISHES" and "LAUNDRY" on many a to-do list), but on your overall goals for the year. So, if you've decided you need to make new friends and dress better in 2012, each day should be spent focusing on activities that help you achieve those goals.

Bregman's idea is that only around five percent of your day should be spent on the laundry-dishes-buy-another-20-rolls-of-TP to-dos of life. Because, if that's all your days are made up of you won't get where you want to be and will end up feeling you've wasted your limited, precious time.

After plotting my goals for the year and making a rather extensive to-do list last week, I found it completely overwhelming to complete in one day. So, I did what I do best and put the whole thing off. Yesterday I woke up with a renewed interest in giving it a go. I didn't come anywhere near getting my 10 item list done, but as of right now I've only got four things left.

A couple of hours ago it occurred to me that no one is forcing me to make a daily to-do. For the foreseeable future I'll be making weekly ones. I don't think this would have seemed like an option before reading this book, and I don't know why. Bregman talks a lot about knowing your strengths, weaknesses and what makes you different and then tailoring your life so that everything is optimized for the way you work and get things done.

I love crossing off my to-dos, but if my day is too structured (even while working from home) I feel trapped...So, weekly to-do lists! I feel so much lighter now!

18 Minutes is a great book to pick up if you want some insight into how to make your productive days really matter. Give it a try.

What does your ideal getting-things-done day look like?

Happy Friday: Teensy Revelations

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Let's get to the gritty of the nitty, folks. Even though I've been able to keep my purchasing of magazines to an absolute minimum, thanks to my ability to land free subscriptions - I still have way too many monthlies in my house.

How do I know this? Well, as HUBS and I were tidying up today for our second appraisal visit so we can refinance our mortgage (not our fault...don't ask), I really had to take stock of the number of magazine I have lying around. Now, I haven't tipped over into hoarder territory, but the figures aren't great.

I've got 38 magazines hanging around that I've read and a whopping 104 that I haven't even looked at, some from three or more years ago. I know. I. Know!

To my credit, though, they are all contained by my three magazine racks and the basket in the bathroom that was supposed to be for toilet paper (don't judge, you know it's a good place to read). So, it's not like we're eating our dinner off old Entertainment Weekly's or using stacks of Lucky and Ebony as our couch. But...still. It's too much.

One reason I've got so many finished magazines around is that I cannot let interesting tidbits/products/pop culture stuff slip through my fingers. I always fold pages down or rip them out so I can look things up or file them away in the generous amount of binders bought expressly for the purpose of saving magazine pages. So, until I go through all of them and pick them clean of new stuff, I feel I can't throw them out.

Well, it's getting done over the next week. I've heard that having too much clutter around can sort of clutter your mind. Maybe this is a tiny part of what's bugging me? Hmmm...OK, on to the internet.

1) This interesting website puts the 'net to work for you.

2) If you haven't checked out the Comedy Central Stand-Up site, you're missing out. Any time you need a pick-me-up you can find video clips of your favorite comedians right here.

3) And, I might be super late coming to this info, but you can even create audio channels based on your comedian of choice on Pandora. Yes!

4) If you would like to blend the awesome powers of Ikea and comedy, then Ikea Heights is for you.

5) Addicted to Pinterest? Addicted to good quotes? Pin A Quote!

Have a great weekend lovelies!

Happy Friday: Ignoring The Stress

I've had an odd realization today that I don't know what to do about. I'm not going into details, though, because it is not Happy Friday appropriate at all. So, let's look around online and have a great weekend!

1) I don't have enough space on my phone for this grocery shopping/list app, but as soon as I do I'm trying it out.

2) If WorkFlowy can really organize my screwy brain, I'll have to find a way to get the developers anything they want.

3) I just found this tip-filled health & well-being site today, but I'm already addicted.

4) This simple site will save web pages so you can read them later on any of your devices.

5) You should get to know this guy. He's funny!

A Nice Thought

Too true...

The Day I Just Gave The Fuck Up And Ate Cookies For Breakfast

This photo has nothing to do with my post. I just love the idea of a chocolate candy Jesus. There's even a halo! That, my friends, is art.

I know. I haven't posted for two days! Would you forgive me if I told you I was neck-deep in Tina Fey's Bossypants? If only for the fact that that sentence sounds dirty but isn't, you should really forgive me.

This week so far has been another in a life-long line of weeks where I disappoint myself. Other than reading and temporarily working out some financial issues, I've not done much. I haven't emptied the dishwasher or done laundry or written a single query letter or applied for any day jobs.

In fact, I'm going to go so far as to say that I haven't done any housekeeping stuff simply because I don't want to use cleaning as a convenient excuse for why I've done zero important work stuff. You know what I mean.

It's like when you have to tell your kid their ferret died, but instead you scrub all the walls in the house with a toothbrush so you can go to bed saying Well, I'm glad I finally got that done. That was some important shit that should have been done months ago so you can forget about the actual important shit that should have been done today because it's hard and you don't want to think about it right now.

I'm slowly coming to two realizations which I'm successfully letting paralyze me: ONE-The things I want are hard and will take loads of work and dedication. TWO-I am, minute by hour by day by week by year by decade, wasting my life. And instead of doing something about this, like dedicating myself to working hard and not wasting my God-given time, I've frozen up. I eat cookies for breakfast and spend all day reading books and watching TV shows by people who have jobs I'd like to have.

In my barely defensible defense, I actually only had one cookie for breakfast today. And that was preceded by a nice healthy bowl of Dulce de Leche Cheerios. Of course, I also had coffee and popcorn for lunch, so who knows? Maybe I'm imagining virtue where there is none.

What have you eaten for breakfast lately that your mother would not approve of?

I Feel Much Better When I Accomplish Things. Why Do I Continually Need To Relearn This?

Wow, you guys. I got a shit-ton done yesterday, and it wasn't even a Wednesday!

I applied for eight jobs yesterday. That's the most actual jobs I've ever applied for in one day. When I say actual jobs, I mean there were job openings listed, as opposed to me just sending out random resumes and cover letters to places I'd like to work, thinking Notice me! Like me! Hire me! Please? Please!

It was quite nice to be able to truly relax when HUBS got home. There were less shouldas hanging around my brain making it hard to concentrate on Tara's third season. I was spurred on by HUBS' activity on Monday night. The man applied for 14 jobs in five hours. I tried, but after eight jobs and four and a half hours, my brain just dried the fuck out.

I still need to write my query letters and my freelance writing marketing letters. But, I do feel good about Tuesday's productivity level. So, yay for accomplishment. But, boo for basically needing to accomplish the exact same stuff every day!

Ah, well. 'Tis life, my friends.

What do you have to keep relearning?

I Just Realized We Should Have Known My Dad Was A Dick All Along

Me and my mom in the mid-1990s. I know I was in college, because OH MY GOD I LOVED THAT SHIRT WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE!


Alright, I didn't just realize it. It's more like I realized it last Thursday. Here's what happened.

I started thinking about the one screenplay I've completed, which is mostly based on the things that actually happened when my dad walked out on PT (yes, that's my mom). I was going over some things and my mind landed on the fact that, in the screenplay, the dad character calls the mom character by a shortened version of her actual name. Which the mom happens to hate. This is directly taken from what really went on with my folks.

And then it hit me: No one who cares about someone would call that person by a name they dislike on purpose.

PT's name is Clementine. According to her, she's hated her name since birth. Because of that, no one ever calls her by it, she goes by Tina. But, the entire time I was growing up and right through their divorce, do you know what my dad called her? Clem.

I know what you're thinking, Well, that's not her full name. Here's the problem: PT HATED CLEM MUCH MORE THAN SHE HATED CLEMENTINE.

It was blatantly obvious. Every time my dad said her name, PT would cringe, grimace or roll her eyes a bit. There were even times when you could see her go from happy to disappointed when she heard his moniker for her.

What's even worse is that I can remember PT telling him, on many occasions when I was little, that she didn't want to be called Clem. But, what did he do? He kept right on calling her Clem.

What kind of person does this? Only an arrogant, selfish, uncaring DICK...That's who. How could I not have put this (as far as I'm concerned) critical bit of info together as evidence of his DICKness sooner?

Maybe it's one of those things where I was too young and too close to it. I knew PT hated what he called her and that it sucked that he did it anyway, but I had to get to 37 years old without having any contact with the man for 16 years to really piece together what his denial of her simple request meant: I DON'T THINK HE EVER CARED ABOUT HER. NOT REALLY.

And that makes me so sad for my mom, who spent 22 years in a marriage where she wasn't truly valued. I suppose the little things do matter a lot.

Dammit...now I'm crying.

13 Things You Should Know

Photo

Let's get something out of the way immediately: I do not have an extensive catalog of life experience. I've never back-packed around the world alone, dated more than one guy at a time, survived a drug overdose or defeated a criminal mastermind.

Even still, I do have an interesting collection of knowledge from my time on the planet thus far. Without further ado, here's some stuff I think everyone should know.

13 Things You Should Know

1) Lady bugs are bitches. Ever been bitten by one? I have, and that shit hurts like a mutha fucka.

2) It's completely possible to forget how to ride a bike. After a couple of years not riding my bike I figured I could just hop on and glide away again...I could not.

3) You can lose a fairly significant portion of your hair and still not appear bald. It's all about careful combing, people.

4) Eating yourself into a shame coma isn't pleasant, but sometimes it is necessary.

5) There's nothing wrong with a day spent in bed, even when the days on either side of that day are filled with similar levels of do-nothing-ness.

6) You never have to say yes, but every now and then you should.

7) Multi-cat households are not automatically run by crazy people who fart loudly in front of strangers and pee in the sink. Why are people with loads of dogs seen as gentle, kind hearted folk, while people with lots of cats are deemed ready for the nut house?

8) Speaking of farting in front of strangers, sometimes you just have to. Say nothing and move on.

9) TV is awesome, but so is turning it off when you're not actually watching anything.

10) You can have acne, dry skin, oily skin and baby wrinkles all at once. The aging process? Somewhat alarming.

11) There's nothing wrong with paying for your groceries with a pile of change. It is money, after all. Just be a dear and count it out for the cashier, mmmkay?

12) You're not truly special until you manage to get a rock inside your sock while walking and wearing knee-high boots. Happens to me all the time. I blame the Weird Vortex that surrounds me.

13) You can burp and hiccup at the same time. But, be prepared; it'll either be outrageously loud or outrageously painful.

There you have it! Now, what do you think we should know?

Recent Obsessions: 100% Dark Amber, Bitches!

Did you guys know about real, 100% pure maple syrup? What? You did? And you didn't tell me!? Geez...and I thought we were friends.

When I heard on Dr. Oz that the real stuff has all kinds of nutrients and other goodnesses (yes, that's what I said) I decided we could at least give it a try. The problem was that the real stuff is kinda expensive as food items go.

They can't just throw some high fructose corn syrup, maple essence and caramel color together to get it. Oh, no. They've got to tap a tree at the right time of year and then clean out the nature gunk, or some such shit. That takes work, so you have to pay for it.

Well, we finally had the cash and low syrup reserves last week to spring for the real stuff. Let me tell you, if you don't know. That. Is. Some. Awe. FUCKING. SHIT! It was better than any stupid 'pancake syrup' I've ever had. And it wasn't just syrupy. It tasted like there was nutmeg, vanilla, cinnamon and other spicy goodness floating around in there. Just...so so so so so damn good!

I don't believe I can go back to the fake stuff. No sir.

This Year I Will: 2011 Edition

Shakes relaxes with his body threaded through our TV antenna. Cats have such simple goals, don't they?

Yesterday you saw what I got done in 2010, now let's take a look at what I want to do in 2011. I tried to narrow the list down to things I could actually fully accomplish this year.

For instance, at first I put down 'publish a book', but that's not something that's really totally dependent on me (if I were trying to get it published through traditional means, anyway). So, I amended it to 'writing book proposals and sending them out', which is a goal I can complete this year, even if said books don't get published until 2013.

Well, then, off we go...

This Year I Will: 2011

1) Write another screenplay and enter it into at least one contest
2) Promote my blogs
3) Sell photos through at least one online agency
4) Write proposals for my book ideas and send them out
5) Create a workable budget
6) Travel more
7) Network
8) Grow my freelance career
9) Add 1,000 steps to my daily walking, to equal 6,000/day
10) Use pen tablet weekly
11) Try more new things
12) Watch less TV and do less meaningless internet roaming
13) Call PT more
14) Make the money to buy a car within two years
15) Promote past freelance work online
16) Figure out a way to organize our home library area and get more storage in this house
17) Keep track of family birthdays better and connect with family more
18) Work on becoming more sexual

There! I think that's it for me.

What do you plan to do in 2011?

Tuesday Tipday: Christen Your Year!

The TV through my new year's champagne glass. I had 10 sips instead of my usual two, and I'm all the better for it.

Well, happy 2011, all you internet denizens! We're four full days into the new year and I bet a lot of you have made resolutions or set goals for the months ahead. I haven't made a resolution for years now. For me, the idea of New Year's Resolutions had come to mean some activity I'd promised myself I'd do, only to inevitably give up the effort weeks later. And then the next year I'd make the same promises to myself all over again, with the same pitiful results.

I've decided to look at things differently this year. Not writing down concrete goals has gotten me almost nowhere, so last Thursday I took a quiet moment to do two things: list the accomplishments from 2010 and list what I wanted to do in 2011.

If you're like me, and have the tendency to get procrastinatory (New Word Alert) on your dreams out of fear (of change, new things, the unknown, success, failure...I could so totally go on), then I can tell you that starting with my successes really helped. It made me look back over the year thoughtfully, so that I was able to notice even the smallest victories.

Why do the small victories matter? Because the small ones get you to the big ones. I was able to see that I really did get some stuff done last year and that it's completely possible, if I keep going, to get even more done in 2011.

Then, earlier today I was reminded of an idea I'd come across around this time last year. Individual goals are great, but a good way to plan for the completion of those goals is to think about what you want your life ahead to be like in general. You can do this, as I've decided to, by christening your year.

Now, depending on what you've been going through and what you want for 2011, this might be easy or require more pondering. But the basic process is simple, just consider what you need more of to be happier in the coming year. Do you want to be more connected to the world around you? Then connectivity is your word for 2011. Maybe you'd feel better if you slowed down. In that case a word like quiet or relaxation could be for you.

This just helps you crystallize what all your smaller goals should ultimately do for you. Here is what I've decided: I want 2011 to be a year of Expansion. I need to cultivate more of basically everything in my life: connection to others, freelance work, money, fun, adventure, travel, passion, good health, doing for others, love and on and on.

What I realized by looking at the past year (and years before) is that my world, my life, has gotten mighty small. While I'm very, very glad to have HUBS, our cats, this house and a fine collection of photographs taken since I was a little girl, I need a bigger life. Bigger experiences, more adventure and definitely more hard work.

So, today's tip? Christen your year! Sit down and figure out what bullseye you want to hit this year by aiming at those smaller targets. It just might help everything come into view.

I'd love to know: what's your word for 2011?

Tuesday Tipday: Longing For The Days Of A Sore Throat

Well, well, well...Looks like my body decided that an intermittent sore throat wasn't punishment enough. As of last night I've got a full blown cold: running nose, congestion, tired, fuzzy-headedness and all. Yay!

On the plus side this cold is nothing compared to what one of my cousins has been going through. He's been battling pneumonia since August; the doctors put him in a drug induced coma for a while and then on life support. Each time they tried to dial down the life support, though, his organs stopped working on their own.

On Friday my mom told me my uncle had decided to fully take him off life support. We were all expecting that Saturday would be his last day, but we got an actual Christmas miracle when all of his bodily functions kicked in and he woke up. That? That's some unbelievable God Magic right there. Can we all say a little prayer that he'll continue to get better? Thanks.

Now, on to the fun stuff. Do you see that video up there? Friends, it just happens to be the music video for my all-time favorite modern Christmas song, Wham's Last Christmas. I figured since a large portion of the country is in the grips of winter weather advisories and such my music offerings could stand to get in the spirit of the season.

I ,myself, am having trouble getting into that same spirit. My lack of holiday enthusiasm started before I got sick, and now that I think about it I might see what the problem is: everything is the same every year. Mom and I cook the same stuff (We did talk about that and she's bored with what we cook, too! And totally game to make something different.), and HUBS and I run around on Thanksgiving and Christmas days to PT's and his parents, who are two hours away.

I suppose I'm just a little tired of the routine, though I've got no idea what we could do differently. Remember when you were a kid and the holidays seemed so magical and mysterious and full of fun? I suppose it'll never feel like that again, but I wish I could get some of that tingly feeling back.

So, today's tip: Don't get so bogged down in feeling the holiday spirit that you can't have any fun. I think it's natural to have a "blah, it's the holidays again" feeling every now and then.

How are you 'feeling' your holiday of choice this year?