I've been dealing with depression for a long time. Over half my life. I've tried six therapists of varying stripes and one psychologist. I've tried St. John's Wort and vitamins in every combination. I've tried exercise (possibly too much at times), gratitude journals, vision boards and light therapy. I've tried four different prescribed medications, an abundance of self-help books, losing myself in movies/TV/books and even eating (definitely too much at times). Nothing has ever made IT just go the fuck away. And what I'm finally realizing is that IT won't go away. Not completely, anyway.
I might not be my depression, but depression is obviously a big part of me.
All the things I've tried have helped a bit, but IT won't budge. IT's like the ocean; I have a low tide (Just get up and do what you need to do, already. Maybe you'll feel better.) and a high tide (I don't know what day it is and it doesn't matter anyway since I'm not getting out of bed).
High or low, IT's always around. And IT brings friends over on a regular basis. Worry, over-eating, sleepless nights, bed-ridden days, sudden sadness, sudden anger, fear, anxiety and procrastination have parties in my head on a weekly basis. I haven't been living with IT so much as I haven't been living because of ITs shadow.
Now that I finally get that IT isn't going to disappear in a miraculous puff of smoke like a life-sucking vampire that's finally been slayed into oblivion one day, I'm just trying. Over and over again. Every day, and sometimes multiple times a day, to...
NOT MAKE EXCUSES
NOT USE DEPRESSION AS A CRUTCH
FIND A WAY OUT, THROUGH, UNDER OR OVER IT
BEGIN AGAIN WITH HOPE
This? This knowing that IT'll probably always be with me a little? Honestly, the thought is oddly a tiny bit freeing. I didn't do medication wrong or therapy wrong or miss some depression blasting exercises that were all the rage. This is just me. And I can try to weather high tide moments by repeating my new favorite Buddhist saying:
LET GO OR BE DRAGGED.
Do you have a motto that keeps you going during difficult times? Share it in the comments!
1 comment:
This is such a great post on self-realization. Depression indeed never fully goes away, but once its presence becomes accepted there are tricks to be learned to make friends (somewhat) with it. Plus, a post or two ago you wrote about how getting out and doing something new helped. Keep that up.
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