Thursday, August 02, 2012
If There Is An Upside...
I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.
Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.
Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.
That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.
It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.
What have your hard times taught you?
I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?