Oh, Heavy D...RIP

I'm sure a lot of you have forgotten all about Heavy D & The Boyz, if you knew about them at all. But for fans of late '80s through mid '90s hip hop, Heavy D was the shit. I wish he hadn't passed away earlier this week at only 44 years old.

Want to get to know Heavy D and his ever present Boyz? Here you go...

And We'll Start Our New Year With Another Funeral

My cousin died on Sunday. Last I'd heard, he was doing astoundingly well, so I have no idea what happened. Say a little prayer for my uncle.

We'll talk more tomorrow.

Fit

I wish the title of this post referred to my firm inner thighs and tight abs, but unfortunately I'm talking about the kind of fit you have instead of are.

For a while earlier this year I was having a lot of these, throwing things and yelling and such. I had one again last night. This time, though, I hit HUBS in the stomach and when he said "Hey, what the fuck?" and backed away I threw a bag of crackers at him. Dammit.

Why did I get so upset? He'd just come home, right before 9pm, after saying he'd be home at 5:30 and then saying he'd really be home at 7:30. I had just finished eating without him (I hadn't had anything but toast all day; I tried to eat soup after I found out about the liver thing, but I think I was too worried to eat. So, after getting sick to my stomach I took about a 4 hour nap.).

I was mad that even though I'd called him and told him about the medical stuff, he didn't seem worried, or to care that I was worried. I was really hoping that he'd be home early so I could talk to him and be comforted and such. Plus? My computer keeps crashing and had just done so. So I wasn't able to get started on the story I'd been procrastinating on, like I'd wanted to.

It was one of those feelings like nothing is ever going to be right again. We literally never have any money for anything other than bills anymore, and are dangerously close to having no credit left either. We even had to take a cash advance from one of my cards last week to avoid getting overdraft fees in our checking account and to have some money for something. I really just can't seem to find a job. I put in four applications for retail places on Monday and no one has even called.

Nothing feels right. And, yeah, I was taking some undeservered stuff out on HUBS when I hit him, but I also feel like he hasn't been caring for me like he should. We've talked about this at least 3 times since I've been sick this month. I know he's been working insane hours to make overtime money for us, but when I was sick he still had to be asked and told to do things for me.

I mean, I got dizzy everytime I bent over and I still had to request that he do a little laundry. Do you realize how hard it is to go down a flight of stairs (to the basement) when you're weak and dizzy? He wouldn't so much as load the dishwasher without my prompting. Until I yelled at him. Got angry and told him to "help me dammit!"

Do you know he wouldn't even go get me a hamburger? Just a plain McDonald's hamburger. He didn't come out and say no, it was more like "Well, let's just wait and see after I finish this and we can go together blah blah blah." Fuck, I didn't feel like leaving the house. Basically, after a hard, long week at work he was finally getting to goof off online like he likes to and didn't want to deal with me (which he actually said to me, though not in so many words) when I asked him a whopping 4 hours later why he didn't just go get me a God damn burger already? Oh, and I happened to confront him about this when we were finally on the way to getting my burger, after I'd been hungry for, yes, FOUR HOURS.

I don't think I'm being outrageous here, to expect a little care from my husband when I get ill. Especially since I literally do everything for him when he's sick, and he gets sick A LOT. I even stuck by him when he got some flu-like thing a few months after we got together, when he thought he, wait for it...MIGHT HAVE AIDS. Yeah, and honestly, I think he deserved to get hit a little, though not for everything I hit him for.

This no-job-no-money-no-credit pressure is too much after 22 months of unemployment. I think we need counseling.

What The Fuck Now?

So, my doctor's office called today about the blood work I had done yesterday. Something's wrong with my liver. There's some enzyme that's supposed to be at 40, but my level is something like 153. I have to go in for more blood work tomorrow.

I'm a little bit scared.

So, Um...Yeah. Not Good, Citygirl...

Eating delectable food like this for work probably isn't helping much.

I just got back from the doctor. I had really convinced myself that I was holding at 245 pounds. Unfortunately I've finally topped 250. I now weigh 253 pounds. Shit.

I'm not gonna say stuff's really going to change now. I've said that so many times in the past few years and I can just never get off my ass and do anything. Actually I don't know what I'm saying or planning or anything. I'm just disgusted with myself.

Blah.

A Bear Will Not Be Eating My Head This Year, No Siree

See those buildings? I prefer being around things like that. Yeah.

HUBS and I had a ridiculously hard week last week. We worked our silly little asses off and I will talk about it at some point, but not right now.

Right now, I will discuss with you, internet, how I, citygirl, almost went into the woods.

HUBS' folks rent some cabin thingy in the middle of Nowhere, MO called Bunker Hill. Every year his parents and his sister, Tiny Sarcasm's family go up there for a weekend. This year they invited us.

Now, I have said this many times on this blog and elsewhere, but here it is again: I do not like outdoorsy things. I do not like bugs, sleeping in cabins, going to outhouses, wild animals running amok, being in the middle of nowhere, or excessive no-one-around-to-hear-me-scream quiet. His people know this. And yet, they invited me to the woods.

I'm sure it was perfectly innocent. Anyway, HUBS really wanted to go, so (for him and for him only) I briefly considered it. But, only on the condition that he do several things for me in return. Boy, making this list was fun...

If I Go To The Woods 8/1/09

1. Small trip to see band I like and HUBS hates. (There aren't many of these, but I'm sure I could find at least one)

2. Two days of Tickle With Impunity. (I get to tickle him, he does not get to ask me to stop)

3. Pluck or shave all body hair I distrust. (HUBS has weird little hairs here and there that he simple refuses to let me remove. This would be my shot)

4. Four days of loading & emptying dishwasher. (He refuses to do both things unless he sees I'm really angry about something else, and yet I almost always do both by myself)

5. Go to museum 1 day every weekend until I say stop. (He likes museums, so this isn't really punishment just a way to get us to do this thing I've been talking about for months now)

6. Paint my toenails. (HUBS has such an aversion to my feet, even when sparkling clean, that this would be too good to pass up)

7. Four days of no slap blocking. (Occasionally, HUBS does things that I need to give him a little whack on the arm/chest/back for. Here, he is not allowed to block me)

8. Two nights of cooking dinner, not burgers/fries/pasta. (He claims this is all he can cook, he's pretty smart though, so I'm sure he can read recipe instructions)

9. Five days of facing me when we talk in bed. (HUBS looks like a pirate when he lays in bed, I like to see this when we talk, but he often turns away from me to "rest that side". Not this week, buddy)

Since I will not be getting paid for the assload of deep, hard physical labor I did last week on HUBS behalf, I'm considering putting these into practice as payment even thought we're not going into the woods. Wait, you say. Why aren't you going into the woods? Well, two awesomely good reasons.

One. It would cost money (!). And, two, the very same day his parents called about us going, just hours later when I was napping, I had a dream that I was standing in the woods near a creek minding my own business and a bear came up behind me and ate my head off my body in one bite. So, no, I really do not think so. At all.

But hey, HUBS' folks, thanks for asking.

For Women Who Have Considered Rogaine When Vitamins Are Not Enuff

We know I wouldn't look this good without hair, right?

At least I was considering it, until I read the website and saw it only works for hereditary female baldness. Dammit stress related hair loss!

I Am Very Inconsistent

I've had that thing happen again where some bad stuff happened and I wanted to write about it, but just couldn't. So, I didn't write at all for a month and a day. Here's what's been going on...

1) July 4th started out fine, HUBS and I went to review a bar/club for my $100 a week job and the food and drinks were good. We were planning to go see fireworks later that night. It was a nice afternoon...Until we pulled up to our house.

A smallish orange cat (who looked a lot like the 5 to 8 other smallish orange cats we have around here)was laying in the street near our neighbor's SUV. I parked as fast as I could, jumping out and running over to him (it was a him, I checked). Someone had hit him and just kept going. I picked him up and tried to make him move, we were planning to get him to the emergency clinic, but he was already gone.


Here lies Oliver...

I then stood in front of our house, holding the smallish, dead orange cat and cried for about 20 minutes. HUBS finally got me to put him down and went to get a shovel so we could bury him. While HUBS dug I thought of a name for the little guy, Oliver. We buried him under our flower bed in the back, and I cried for probably a total of three hours. Someone hit him, and just left him in the street...

Needless to say that ruined our 4th of July. We tried to watch fireworks later, but left the house too late to get any kind of good spot. That pissed me off even more. For about a week after this sadness we tried in earnest to get another cat from the Humane Society but couldn't decide between two of them (luckily one got adopted), and then we ran out of money anyway. Which leads me to #2.

2) By July 14 it was pretty clear that we were totally out of money. I used up the last of my unemployment extension at the end of June and my $100/week gig doesn't exactly help cover much. HUBS moved all our bills (even the mortgage and my student loan - which I've never been late on in the 12 years I've been paying it) to his next pay day. I suspended our savings deductions and transferred what little was in there to pay bills. Then I made a really hard decision: I went to my mom for money. Again.


We suck.

P.T. helped us out in April with a huge loan that kept us afloat for about 6 weeks. Right after she gave us that money (literally a day later) she got laid off herself. She kept telling me that she was ok financially, so I took a chance and called her and asked her for anything she could help with. I immediately regretted it and felt like a stupid child. I'm a married woman who's been on her own for 11 years and twice in just a few months I've had to ask my mother for money.

She gave us another huge loan, enough so that we could pay things a couple days late instead of 10. I went to pick the money up after doing something that may help me get a job. Hence, #3.

3) The unemployment offices have free job workshops that I've completely neglected the entire time I've been jobless. I finally decided to go to the resume and interviewing workshops on the 14th and 15th of this month. What did I find out? My resume, which I thought was pretty good, was a total piece of crap.

Why? Two reasons...a) I had too many types of things on there (reception/admin stuff, film/entertainment stuff and writing/photography stuff), which made me look like I didn't know what I wanted instead of looking multi-talented and well-rounded and b) I hadn't listed any accomplishments in my jobs.



Now, I'd heard of this "accomplishment" thing, but I hated my receptionist/admin work so hard that it was difficult for me to think in terms of doing anything in those positions that could be labeled as such. It took me a week after the workshop to finally redo my resume, and once I started thinking, it wasn't so hard. The lady who ran the seminars actually looked it over (I decided to start with dreaded recep/admin work since it is what I've done the most of) and approved it.

It's been a few days since then, I haven't used it to apply anywhere. What the fuck is wrong with me, you say? I'm scared. Scared that even now that I have the perfect resume I still won't be able to get a job.

I'm not just inconsistent, I'm monumentally fucked up.

4) I've also applied for another UE extension. I should find out this week if I've gotten it. Cross your finger for me people. And if you pray, please do that too.

Dammit Summer!

I think the sun hates me right back.

Oh fuck, here we go. Yesterday when I went out to feed the cats at 9am it was already 83 degrees outside. All hot, heavy and sticky. We are now officially in summer. No more cooling down at night and then getting ridiculously hot during the day, oh no. It will now be ass-the-fuck tropical damn hot 24 hours a day and seven days a week. Joy.

My deep hatred for summer is well-documented on this blog. I literally cannot stand it. Yesterday morning's heat sent me into a deep, summer-is-here related funk. I had things to do, but couldn't. All I could think was "Jesus' ass, it's hot out there!" I took a nap three hours after waking up because of it.

Summer just takes the life out of me. I can't concentrate. I want to move even less than I normally do. The very idea of things makes me tired. Anything other than sleep is exhausting. It's a miserable way to live.

Really, can't we stagger the heat? You know, have an 85 degree day on Monday and then a 65 degree day Tuesday. Wouldn't that make more sense? I bet less people would kill and be murdered during summers if we worked it like that.

The Rule of 3s

My uncle, middle, at 18 and my mom, in the red, at 16.

Ok, I haven't written in a long time, and the seeming law of nature I refer to in the title is why. In the past month, HUBS and I have had three family members die. This is the tribute post I kept meaning to write. Every time I seriously thought about publishing it, someone else died. So, now that we've gotten to the magic number...Here goes.

My uncle Jerry died one month ago today, Sunday, April 19 2009. He was 60 years old and had at least 32 health problems (more than anyone in the family knew about). He had been home one day from the physical therapy center he had been in for about a month after having a serious set of heart attacks back in February. The abiding feeling in the family is that he knew it was coming and wanted to die at home.

Things he did:
- When my mom was 5 he hid her from the police when she hit a boy in the head with a baseball bat and knocked the kid unconscious. Jerry was 7 at the time.
- Had mostly white and friends at a time when there wasn't a lot of mingling between black and white people.
- Would tell you not to mess up his hair.
- Sat me and my two cousins in our grandmother's easy chair back in the '70s (when all three of us could fit in one chair) and played his guitar for and sang. He left me his guitar.
- Was the requisite cranky, dirty-old-man uncle (even when he was young), who would still do anything for you.
- Told my aunt, during my parents divorce, "If he (my asshole father) makes that baby (my mom) cry one more time I'm going to kill him."
- Literally kept track of every cent he ever spent. When we descended upon his house to try locating his insurance papers, we found boxes and boxes filled with old ledgers, receipts and cancelled checks. How much did he pay for that Domino's pizza on December 3, 1990? Wait, what was the cost of those cigarettes on June 21, 1977 again?
- Didn't believe in owning things. He bought a new car about every three years, and whenever he got close to paying off his house he'd take out a new mortgage on it. To him, if you didn't own anything, nobody could really take anything away from you.
- Made the two hour drive to get me from college when I had my nervous breakdown. Bought me Burger King on the way home.
- Dated one woman for 27 years and helped raise her daughter from a previous marriage, but never married himself.

HUBS' grandmother died almost a week later on April 23, 2009. She was 92. She had Alzheimer's and had declined rapidly in the weeks leading up to her death.

Things she did:
- Was the requisite cool grandmother.
- Told HUBS dirty jokes when he was a kid.
- Survived The Depression, when her mom left her and a couple of her sisters in a children's home. Her mom took her sisters home eventually, but never came to get her.
- Vowed never to leave her kids for any reason.
- She reportedly had a "spaghetti dance" which included lots of hip shaking and arm waving while the noodles were cooking.
- Was game for camping and canooing.
- Helped her husband build two houses.
- Was quite spunky and fashionable in her day.
- Always waved and smiled at me while she was in the extended care home, even though she never knew who I was.


I should have made her tea cakes more often.

My godmother's mom died the Thursday before Mother's Day on May 7, 2009. She was 95. She was the 7th of 14 kids. Only three are left now.

Things she did:
- Mothered all of her younger siblings, without prompting from her parents.
- Wanted to be a nurse, but there wasn't enough money for her to continue her education at that level. Her daughter and one of her sisters each became nurses.
- Studied cosmetology and did the hair of the sick and shut in.
- Ran a store with her husband and daughter (my godmother, when she was a kid) called The Three Nichols (their last name), that my mom went to as a child long before she and my godmother were friends.
- Said "And that is that!" when she was done having a conversation with you.
- Hated the St. Louis Cardinals baseball team. Forever.
- Hot combed my hair a few times when I was little.
- Loved jewelry, but still parted with one of her gorgeous, pearl clustered, gold rings to give me for my high school graduation.
- When one of her younger brothers came home from college complaining about how hard it was and how he might quit, she gave him $5 and told him to take his butt back to school.

We miss you all.

Easter Sunday

To my absolute horror.

I hope everyone out there who celebrates Easter had a good one this year. Especially since mine kinda sucked.

I was up early, trying to get some things done before HUBS and I had to leave for the two hour trip to his folks in mid-Missouri. I could have sworn we should have some cash in our account left over from his last paycheck. I looked at our account. Not only did we not have anything left over, there wasn't enough to cover all our bills until his next pay day.

We'd be about $400 short. Having already paid some of last months bills with one of my credit cards I felt absolutely desperate and panicked. I called the only person I could think to: my mom.

I called on the pretense of only wishing her a Happy Easter, just so I could back out of asking for money if I needed to. She asked how I was and I broke down. I told her about not getting unemployment for the past 6 weeks and that we had no money to pay our bills and that we've been living off my credit cards and that we never have money for groceries. Stuff I had been avoiding telling her because I was hoping it would get better; hoping it wouldn't come to this.

PT told me it would be ok and to stop crying. She asked how much I needed and I told her. She said to calm down and come over.

I didn't feel like putting on clothes, but I knew this unplanned trip would make us late for HUBS' parents, so I did. HUBS was still in bed, I told him I was running to my mom's, kissed him quickly and left. I cried most of the way there.

PT hugged me when I got there. And, I started crying again. Shit, it was days ago now and I'm crying again thinking about the fact that I'm 34 and married and had to ask my mom for money.

She gave us far more than the 400 bucks I asked for. I protested, but took it anyway when she kept counting money out to me. PT tried to cheer me up by telling me that everybody goes through hard times and that right now this is just what I need to deal with. She also revealed that she was without a job for 2 years in the '70s. I figure this was when she was still at home with my grandmother but basically grown.

I thanked PT a lot and left about a half hour after getting there. I cried on the way home, then put a large portion of the cash in the bank.

All of this is a long way of saying that my Easter felt totally fucked. I then had to go to HUBS' family and pretend to be happy that Jesus was risen and I was with his folks, even though all I wanted to do was scream and curl up into a little ball and cry myself tired.

Revelation

I was reading this today and I think I had a breakthrough.

Maybe I can't find a job because that's not what I want. I had "a job" and hated it for 8 of the 9 years and 5 months I was there - no matter what I did. I left that place because I wanted more than just "a job." I wanted to enjoy my work. I wanted to actually use my brain and talents. I wanted freedom. I wanted better money for work I enjoyed and couldn't wait to do.

So, if this is my block to finding work, what does it mean? We need money, another real income, but I will never be happy with "a job." What do I do? Do I stop praying for exactly the thing I don't want (because the Universe knows I don't really want it anyway)? Do I go back to praying for meaningful work I can enjoy? Even if it means I don't work again for another year?

What the hell do I do???

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Again with Wednesdays. I have been without unemployment for three weeks and we are suffering financially. I decided to call the UE people again and see what I could do to clear this shit up so I can actually get the money in my UE account.

I was determined to stay calm. This was the first time in a long while that I got a black lady on the phone. She told me the longest part of the review program was over, so that's good. I asked who I could talk to to finally take care of this, and here's how it went:

UE black lady: No one. I'm sorry, but there's a whole process to this and there were people ahead of you. But the longest part of the review is over, so someone should call you any day now and that'll be it.

citygirl: Ok, so, you're sure I can't just talk to somebody and end this right now? I mean, I have no money and I can't find a job and we can't pay our bills. (crying now) I worked for 10 years at one place and I applied at Target and Best Buy but they won't hire me. No one will. I don't know what to do.

UE black lady: Oh honey, I understand, I like to be proactive too and take care of things any way possible as soon as possible, but there's just no way.

citygirl: (crying harder now) See, this started because when I applied for my new extension I answered one stupid question wrong and instead of listing my last full time job I listed my stupid freelance job because they were the last people to pay me. There wasn't a place for me to explain my situation. They wanted all these blanket answers...

UE black lady: Oh, yeah. That'll do it. Anytime there's different information it flags the system and then they have to go through all the reviews and it just takes as long as it takes.

citygirl: (sobbing) So, I have to wait? And, by the time they get everything cleared up I could be out of my house and on the streets. That's how this works?

UE black lady: I am so sorry, but you really can't do anything. I know it seems like we don't care, but we have a process for everything and we have to follow it. Listen, just live your life. Enjoy your family and your friends and live your life. You will be alright. Ok? I'm going to pray for you. You'll be alright.

citygirl: (sobbing and dissolving simultaneously, it's really fun - you should try it) Um (deep breath so I can keep speaking), ok. Ok. Thanks for (more deep breathing) talking to me. Bye.

UE black lady: No problem, sweetheart. Bye, now.

See? This is what I'm talking about. Even though I was crying and hurting and angry she managed to somehow make it a little bit better. This black lady should train all the other UE phone people on how to talk to the distressed unemployed, and she should get a ton of money to do it, too. She may not actually care, but she was able to make it sound like she did. Her voice was calm and clear and she never sounded irritated, rushed or frustrated with me. I love you, UE black lady.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After our conversation I got proactive. I looked around for paid online survey companies and signed up. I made a list of places I haven't applied to that I need to look into. I called Citibank and asked for help with our currently $400+ monthly bill and they're scheduled to call me back today with a new payment plan. I vacuumed every room and the baseboards and even got up all the random cat fluff along the walls that the vacuum doesn't usually get.

I was on a roll. And then I did something stupid. Without any idea that it was going to be stupid.

More on that later.

editor's note: Why is it that when I type "black angel" into a google image search I get all the demonic, scary pictures? Why was it necessary for me to type in "african american angel"? I swear, white people kill me...

Wednesday Was Bad

This is how my mind feels. See those bright spots? That's my anger.

I have now gone two weeks without getting my unemployment benefits. HUBS and I have no money, he got paid on the 13th and after bills (which hit within a few days) we had $50 left in our account. I reluctantly moved most of the money I've been scraping to save ($10 a week since last August, which amounted to almost $300)into our account to take care of the mountain of additional bills that we'll need to pay before he gets paid again.

Why am I not getting my UE money, even though I have a balance in there, you ask? The short answer is that when I filed to get this new extension I fucked up ONE GODDAMN QUESTION. The UE people freaked out, called me twice (in conversations that totalled almost an hour) with bullshit questions I'd already answered and now my case has to go to committee before I can get anymore money.

The first UE conversation was Monday. I talked to that heifer for half an hour. Then Wednesday another chick called me with even more questions. She was trying to explain something to me, but it made no fucking sense so I told her that. Then I began to cry, curse and screamed something to her like "I've been unemployed for 14 months so give me my fucking money so I can pay my fucking bills!" and hung up the phone.

HUBS had been sleeping in (he took a sick day), but he came out to try to comfort me. After he kissed me on the head I threw my mug filled with ice water across the room and smashed a ceramic coaster against a bookcase when I threw that too.

I then went into the bedroom where HUBS had retreated to protect himself from flying objects and screamed. Louder than I've screamed since I had my nervous breakdown in college.

"Do you know I applied at Target," I asked HUBS in the scariest voice ever. "And they sent me an email turning me down? I worked at the same company for almost 10 years and I can't get a fucking job at Target. But every fucking 15 year old in the fucking country can walk into the store and get a job. What the fuck did I do wrong? This feels personal. Like the universe is really, specifically fucking with ME."

I'm starting to wonder if I'm supposed to be doing something special with this time, and that's why I can't get a job yet. It's as if the powers that be have given me this time, but I can't get over, you know, not having enough money for food and bills and stuff to get out of my head and figure out what I'm supposed to be fucking doing.

I seem to have a knack for doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. And not being able to make the best of it. At. All.

Sex and Popcorn

You know, I've had quite the fuzzy-headed day. I woke up insanely early for an unemployed person (7:27 am), because I had to try to get through to the MO unemployment people. I did not get my money this week, I got a letter saying they had some questions and would call me Monday. But, I wanted to try to get this ball rolling again ASAP.

Guess what? After getting up early, holding for about 10 minutes (not that bad for them) and talking to a chick, I still have no idea what the problem is. I have to wait for the call on Monday. I'm pretty nervous about this, especially since the phone chick was all "Wow, they usually don't need more info for an extension. I really don't know what this could be", after I read her the letter they sent. Thanks MO UE chick, I'm pretty sure I'd be tons better at your job than you.

I stayed up for a bit, playing online, eating biscuits and doing a load of laundry. Then I got into bed with a couple Shape magazines I needed to return to the library today with HUBS still asleep (he took today off). I now realize again why I can't read Shape and Self. Too many bitches losing weight and keeping it off. It's depressing.

You know what's been bugging me for almost a month now? My tailbone. After sitting in bed or on the couch too long it starts to hurt like hell. What does that mean? And who the fuck do I call to get it to stop?

Here's how the rest of my day went:

read magazines
slept
ate lunch
napped on couch
returned things to library right before close
took cash out of atm so i can pay therapist tomorrow and hair dresser next weekend
watched McClintock! with HUBS and discovered it was ass
had MADHOT SEX SEX SEXY TIME
ate Orville Redenbacher Buttery Salt and Pepper popcorn
blog
made HUBS make us french fries...

Now! HUBS, make fries NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!