Happy Valentine's Day To Me

I slept until almost noon today. I haven't done that in years, but I had a crappy time last night. So did HUBS, and it was his birthday.

He wanted to build a new computer. We'd done our taxes and were getting a pretty good refund; but there were other pressing issues. The plumbing in our kitchen is shot and we need to pay his property tax from last year. I talked to him about it and told him I didn't like the idea of him spending so much, right now, on a computer when his isn't blown out. And I know his parents talked to him about it.

HUBS is angry. He's angry that he's 42 and can't just buy what he wants he wants to. He's angry that I don't have a job. He's angry that he feels like our whole financial life rests on his shoulders. He's angry that he has a job he basically enjoys, but where they've told him outright that he won't be able to move ahead if he stays there. He's angry that every time he comes close to getting a higher paying gig...he doesn't. All of that makes sense to me.

So last night, instead of enjoying his birthday, he told me how angry he was, is and will be about things until I get a job. It took a few hours. And when he took a break to shower I sat watching Access Hollywood, with a growing headache, and considered just walking out the door and getting into my car and not telling him where I was going or when I was coming back because I didn't know.

I stayed. When he came back into the room I apologized for being a depressed, unemployed and ambition-less loser. I apologized for leaving my job at exactly the wrong economic time, letting the process of applying for and not getting jobs demoralize me and giving up over and over again. I apologized for not knowing how to make working for myself work and for hating whatever office or retail job I might get in the future until I can make real money writing. I apologized for not caring about sex enough to do it when I don't want to and not even trying to find a job for the past seven months.

Then, we went to dinner. We drowned our sorrows in food and booze, and I, for one, felt no better.

I realized this morning, laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, that none of the things I want seem even remotely real or possible for me. For other people, sure. But not me. Whenever I try moving toward those things, I feel good only on the surface. Deep inside, there's a tight ball of tense fear that forms and says This will never happen, but you just keep on keeping on.

I don't feel special enough to have what I want. So, I stop trying and the fear of wanting goes away. I think that's why I sabotage myself so much.

The only way to get through the fear is to feel it and do the things I'm scared of, but I haven't mastered that. At all.

Clearly, I have some things to work on.

What's the scariest thing you've ever done? How did you make yourself do it anyway?

Happy Friday: Yes!

Finally! HUBS feels better, y'all! Monday night he was in excrutiating-almost-crying pain for a couple of hours, and then...Calm. Sudden, blissful calm. The pain isn't gone, but he's now able to sit for an hour, before he only had ten minutes in a chair until he needed to lay down. He can sit long enough to drive himself to work or play video games on his computer. He's almost like a normal person again, and I am so, so, sososo glad!

That is the best thing that happened this week. Now? Let's look around online...

1) Creative? A new study says you're probably kinda crazy, too.

2) Having trouble staying productive? Try napping.

3) Dammit Kathie Lee Gifford! Stop dropping puppies!

4) If you've ever wondered what atrocious names classmates are teasing your kids with, Babynamer can help you out. No one ever used Ada Potato on me. But I got "Yo, Adrienne!" all the time. Had to stop talking to a boy over it. Yes I did.

5) The Awl has a great list of 21 Lies Writers Tell Themselves.

Music Monday: Bait & Switch

Rudy doesn't believe this either.

Well, well, well...Look who's shown up again on a Monday. These continue to be some of the most trying times HUBS and myself have had.

Luckily, my health issues are basically cleared up, and we're experiencing the kind of financial relief that can only be understood by anyone who's been unburdened of several thousands of dollars in debt.

But...

But, HUBS is still pretty bad off. He had an MRI last week and we found out he's got a bulging disk and another disk that about to bulge. He's been in tremendous pain for a full month and nothing has helped him get back to work or fix the problem enough so that he can live normally. Not the physical therapy, or the major pain medication, or the cortisone shot he had last Thursday which was directed right at his bad disks.

Actually, about that shot. The orthopedist told us it should take up to 48 hours for it to kick in and HUBS to experience some relief. He called the doc this morning, since, clearly, that didn't happen. What did the doctor tell him this time? That it could take up to a full week for the cortisone to work.

You know what? If that was the maximum amount of time for him to get back to some semblance of normal, why did he not tell us that before, during or immediately after HUBS got the shot? On top of that, this doctor apparently makes it a policy to never take people off work for injuries like this. So, now HUBS is using sick days to cover his time off, because if the doc won't sign off on staying at home worker's comp won't pay for it.

I SMELL A CONSPIRACY! WORKER'S COMP SENT US TO THIS DOCTOR FOR TREATMENT, WHO JUST HAPPENS TO NOT REMOVE PEOPLE FROM WORK DUTIES. MEANING, HE'S EFFECTIVELY SAVING THE WORKER'S COMP PEOPLE MONEY. REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A GOOD MOVE FOR THE PATIENT TO GO BACK TO WORK.

Yeah, I said it! I'm on to you medical conspiracy fuckers!

Wow, it feels good to get that off my chest! Let's listen to some music now, I need to calm down...

Happy Friday: Normalcy Is A Tricky Thing

HUBS and I are both sick. I have some sort of sinus infection that I've been battling for a month, while HUBS hurt his back last month and has been in so much pain for the past two weeks that he's been on worker's comp leave for almost the whole time and will likely have at least another week off.

As you might remember, I'm not currently working. But when I do, I work at home. Driving long distances in rush hour traffic are no longer a part of my DNA. HUBS' injury has lead to an amount of (almost) daily driving that has been unprecedented in my life for the past four years.

And, since I'm semi-sleep deprived and completely unused to driving a lot, this has been a difficult time. HUBS is cranky 'cause he's in pain and no one really knows what's causing the pain. I'm cranky 'cause I'm essentially running errands every day and I've been congested for a month and I'm not sleeping enough.

Blah.

I say all this to explain my light posting and attention to all your blogs as of late. I plan to go to the doctor some time next week, which will hopefully cure at least some of my issues and lead to a clearer head and more internet time.

Plus! We do have good news. HUBS' excellently supportive parents have generously relieved us of a tremendous amount of financial responsibility. So, we have some breathing room that we need to plan out lest we end up in a ridiculous amount of money trouble again. Which is causing tiny panic attacks every time I think about it, but I suppose I'll get over that soon.

Enough about my crap! Let's see what I've been missing online...

1) Babies belong to gangs now? I'm horrified...And filled with laughter.

2) Sports fans will likely go nutty over this exhaustive list of every team logo ever. They even cover rugby!

3) Planning a fall trip to Copenhagen but never been abroad before? Here's a great list of all the things you'll need to keep in mind. There are two more parts if you want more help.

4)I've been in a forced foggy-headed internet vacation for most of two weeks, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by online life you shouldn't fear tuning out for a bit. 12 Most gives you some inspiration for shutting down and living off line.

5) If you're trying to eat healthy, this list of the Top 10 Superfoods could help you out.

Phew! This was a lot of interneting for one day. Now I need a nap. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Fiscally Speaking

Photo

Remember how I told you about losing my one, semi-steady writing job a couple of weeks ago, and how energized I was by the opening up of new opportunity? Well, now the abject terror has set in.

Aside from the ridiculous amount of bills we have, I fully believe that our second highest expenditure is on food. So, last night while HUBS and I were going over our monies and moving bills around so we'd have some cash for the edible stuff, I made a proposition I've been wanting to make for weeks now: We need to stop eating out.

I realize this doesn't sound like a mighty idea to many of you, and Lord knows that when I was single I barely ate out at all. But, it's become way too much of a way of life for us. Especially HUBS. I realize that he's worn out after a 10 or 12 hour day, but if he gets home and I don't feel like cooking that somehow seems to translate to FAST FOOD YAY YUM!! for him.

I'm constantly having to say No, you know we don't have much cash to work with. We can make sandwiches, make soup, eat leftovers...And then HUBS' face falls and he pouts like a child who doesn't understand money stuff and he says OK with that hangdog expression.

As much as we are both tired of the pinch, I'm really tired of having to constantly be the bad guy. So, as of last night a one week Spending Freeze is on. Here's how we're going to do this:

Spending Freeze 2011-2012

1) We will buy groceries and only eat those groceries for the next seven days.

2) There will be no fast foods, restaurant trips or convenience foods/beverages from places like Quik Trip.

3) Coffee, tea, lunches and dinners are made at home.

4) If we run out of something, say, iced tea mix, we get more iced tea mix and not a 32 ounce cup of ready made iced tea.

5) When we get through seven days, we do it for another week...And another, and another. Until HUBS and I get used to not relying on Taco Bell/Pen Station/etcetera to fill our tired bellies.

I'll be frank here, since I barely leave the house this isn't going to be that hard for me. But HUBS? He dies a little inside when he sees food on TV, even if we are currently eating something he's declared delicious. He's all about his burgers, fries, tacos and subs. So, thank you in advance HUBS, for your complete cooperation on this. Doesn't it feel better already?

What do you need to stop spending so much money on?

Are You There God? It's Me, Citygirl...

Dear Almighty,

I'm writing this as an open prayer. To get it all out and force myself to stop.

We cannot worry anymore. HUBS and I cannot sleep at night. We're snappy and bitchy and twitchy and irritable. Even when we're happy we're sad. It all feels like too much; like a dreary dead end that we can't turn around from.

And we're trying. Trying to stop the worry, the ruminating, the wallowing, the stressing, the fear. We are: breathing deeply, counting to 10, praying, pleading, meditating, yoga-ing, stretching and discussing. It helps for a bit, and then feels meaningless.

So, I'm now (actively and publicly) giving it all to you. Surrendering every fear, stress, worry, anxiety and its ilk.

About...

Luanne's health issues
My joblessness
My depression
My restlessness
My inactivity
My indecision
My procrastination
HUBS' exhaustion
Our money problems
Our anger
Our anxiety
Our fear of our own futures
Our lack of hope
Our lack of complete faith
Our entitlement
Our reckless desires...

And all the other negative, scary stuff.

I ask that you take these things and help us figure out a way through, up, over, around or under them. And if we can't figure out a way, please help us somehow be ok anyway.

Many thanks,
XO

Citygirl

Marriage Is A Lovely Thing

In the WalMart checkout line this morning...

citygirl: Man, I'm really gassy today and I don't know why.

HUBS: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, sweetles.

citygirl (with concern): It's bad, too.

HUBS (bugging eyes with his head down): It's baaad, too. Oh, boy! (dissolving into hysterics and hugging his citygirl)

Honestly, is there anything better than this type of freedom? I think not.

Valentine's Day Is For Shopping

Well, I hope everyone had a good (much warmer) weekend and a great Valentine's Day. HUBS and I spent Saturday with our parents to celebrate his 40th birthday. By the middle of last week HUBS was fine with the big day, but before that it was pretty clear he was having a time with the idea of turning 40.

HUBS and I both have that thing where we were good kids who did well in school, and it seemed like a given that we'd do amazing things with our careers. Instead, we've both had a lot of missteps and setbacks and neither of us is completely where we thought/hoped we'd be. I was worried that HUBS wouldn't be able to get beyond those feelings, and I'm really, really glad that he finally did.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUBS! I LOVE YOU!!


Valentine's Day was nice in what can only be described as the least romantic ways possible. HUBS and I ate lunch at a Mexican chain we love, Qdoba, because they were offering BOGO entrees when you kiss at the register. We had our good, cheap meal on an unseasonably warm day and then ran around to Walmart and various grocery stores to fully supply ourselves for the coming lean times.

Having full cabinets and a full fridge gives me (and most people, I'm sure) a sense of peace you cannot believe. It's more important than V Day gifts, but I did get HUBS a combo birthday/Valentine's gift of a new video game. Last night he brought me a large size of my favorite coffee and a pink rose. Good stuff.



Yeah, my rose is in a beer bottle. Deal with my non-traditionalism!