Happy Valentine's Day To Me

I slept until almost noon today. I haven't done that in years, but I had a crappy time last night. So did HUBS, and it was his birthday.

He wanted to build a new computer. We'd done our taxes and were getting a pretty good refund; but there were other pressing issues. The plumbing in our kitchen is shot and we need to pay his property tax from last year. I talked to him about it and told him I didn't like the idea of him spending so much, right now, on a computer when his isn't blown out. And I know his parents talked to him about it.

HUBS is angry. He's angry that he's 42 and can't just buy what he wants he wants to. He's angry that I don't have a job. He's angry that he feels like our whole financial life rests on his shoulders. He's angry that he has a job he basically enjoys, but where they've told him outright that he won't be able to move ahead if he stays there. He's angry that every time he comes close to getting a higher paying gig...he doesn't. All of that makes sense to me.

So last night, instead of enjoying his birthday, he told me how angry he was, is and will be about things until I get a job. It took a few hours. And when he took a break to shower I sat watching Access Hollywood, with a growing headache, and considered just walking out the door and getting into my car and not telling him where I was going or when I was coming back because I didn't know.

I stayed. When he came back into the room I apologized for being a depressed, unemployed and ambition-less loser. I apologized for leaving my job at exactly the wrong economic time, letting the process of applying for and not getting jobs demoralize me and giving up over and over again. I apologized for not knowing how to make working for myself work and for hating whatever office or retail job I might get in the future until I can make real money writing. I apologized for not caring about sex enough to do it when I don't want to and not even trying to find a job for the past seven months.

Then, we went to dinner. We drowned our sorrows in food and booze, and I, for one, felt no better.

I realized this morning, laying in bed trying to go back to sleep, that none of the things I want seem even remotely real or possible for me. For other people, sure. But not me. Whenever I try moving toward those things, I feel good only on the surface. Deep inside, there's a tight ball of tense fear that forms and says This will never happen, but you just keep on keeping on.

I don't feel special enough to have what I want. So, I stop trying and the fear of wanting goes away. I think that's why I sabotage myself so much.

The only way to get through the fear is to feel it and do the things I'm scared of, but I haven't mastered that. At all.

Clearly, I have some things to work on.

What's the scariest thing you've ever done? How did you make yourself do it anyway?

Happy Friday! Trying To Live My Own Lessons

Mom before me, in January of '72.

Boy, did I ever get smacked in the face with my own theories this week. My mom, who I've been worried about since she got laid off right after my uncle died in spring 2009, finally got a job on Wednesday. She starts work tonight.

And? I'm jealous.

I know! I just talked about this on Tuesday. PT did not get my job. Her getting a job does not mean that there is one less job for me. I have some good stuff going on. I woke up at 4:44 this morning because I couldn't breathe (that's not the good thing; anyway, I think I have a sinus infection) and ended up applying for two jobs online and filling out two applications that had been sitting around for a week.

So, I need to let you know that PT getting herself a job really does make me happy and less worried. But I happen to also be completely envious. She's applied for exactly two jobs in her three years of unemployment and she nailed the second one. I've put my name in the race for, what must be, a couple of hundred jobs and aside from two short temp gigs...Nothing.

PT will be leaving for work soon, I have to call and wish her luck, so here are some internet wanderings for your enjoyment this weekend.

1)If you're interested in continuing your education, Mashable has a list of ways to do it online.

2) Brain Pickings has had some interesting articles on sleep and why it's good for every aspect of our lives.

3) Margaret Atwood has 10 honest rules for writing fiction. This list is great for all the writers out there (in here).

4) Lifehacker has the scoop on a web app that'll let you license your Instagram pics.

5) And for a little comedy, Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is not impressed and Expendables 2 stars before they were famous.

Enjoy the weekend, lovelies!

Domesticity And The Hulk

I did an amazing amount of cooking yesterday. HUBS and I needed something we could eat for dinner, plus we'd run out of bread so I could make sandwiches for him to take to work and there weren't any interesting sweets in the house. So, at around noon, I just decided to make everything.

The bread was first. I'd been wanting to try making Irish Soda Bread for some time, and since we currently had no bread and no extra cash to buy a loaf, this was the perfect opportunity. One big round mass of bread cut in half makes two loaves perfect for sandwich slices. It's also good warmed up and dipped in my mix of olive oil/cracked pepper/balsamic vinegar/grated Parmesan.

After the bread success, I decided to start on dinner by cooking a small pot of red beans. I have never done the whole soak-beans-overnight-first thing because my mom never did it. You sift through the dried beans to get the crappy ones and any rocks out, set it to boil and leave it for hours. Adding water so they never dry out or burn. Does it take a while? Yeah, I think this pot took roughly six and a half hours. But, if you're like me, you've got plenty of other things to do with that time.

Then I jumped into cleaning lettuce. What's that you say? Why am I cleaning lettuce? Because...It's from my garden! I grew that awesome butter lettuce you see and I'd cut some of it last Friday and needed to get cleaning so it wouldn't wilt to death in my fridge.

Can I share a secret with you? I got tired of washing lettuce long before I finished the gig. Also? There's still a shit-ton of lettuce in the garden. I'm afraid we won't be able to eat it all before it starts to bolt and turns bitter. I don't want the only real crop I have to go to waste! And even if we do eat it all, eventually it will turn cold and I'll have to buy lettuce again. Blah! Unnecessary fears!

My lettuce work turned into a scone making adventure. Back when I was living with my mom I made scones all the time that used yogurt. We don't have any yogurt and I wouldn't have felt like tracking down that recipe anyway, so I used one from Ms. Martha instead. I used half whole wheat flour and added the zest from one lemon to the mix. They turned out superbly and are already on their way to being all ate up.

Then I started on the sofrito. This was another thing I'd been meaning to make for months but hadn't. Since I was trying to think of something different for dinner, this was as good a time as any to jump in. The recipe didn't call for any seasoning other than cilantro (I used dried), so I added some salt and some hot madras curry powder. That did the trick, and you can use sofrito on just about anything.

While the sofrito cooked I watered the garden and pulled some weeds. HUBS came home after I finished my shower and I made noodles while he cleaned the litter boxes. We ate and I felt tired but good. I'd put in an honest day's work and got a lot out of it. Then, it happened.

I was putting the food away so I could go to bed and watch Craig in Scotland. I had a good two cups of sofrito left after using some for dinner. I put the lid on it and was about to walk it over to the refrigerator when...the container flew out of my hand, landed on the floor and spilled half of my sofrito.

Friends, there is nothing I hate more than wasted food. Add to that the fact that I'd used almost all of our tomatoes, my only red pepper and a whole onion...I was irate. I became so angry that it would be fair to say I Hulked Out. I threw a roll of paper towels and accidentally hit Tux. I crumpled up a pie pan and a platic storage bowl. I cursed and screamed and acted like a complete fool. And I couldn't quite stop myself.

At least, I felt like I couldn't. My rational mind, which I guess had worked enough for that day, was totally checked out. My immediate thought was That's what I get for working hard. You work hard and you get shit on anyway so why try?

See? Completely screwed up.

What's worse is that I got so angry I made myself sick to the stomach. Plus, I woke up angry today and had a horrible cuss-filled morning because of it. And that bout of glowing ire literally wore me out. I feel fuzzy headed even after a long nap. I've got a dull ache in my brain that a good meal couldn't even take care of, and it's all because of ONE CUP OF SPILLED SOFRITO.

I am nothing if not a teensy bit fucked up.

Relief Is A Wonderful Feeling

Finally! We closed on our refinanced mortgage today. We'll save about $100 a month, which is a very welcome position to be in.

We've had quite a few bouts of luck in the past week or so. HUBS and I have both made some extra cash. He landed a computer consulting job, and I did a stint as a medical research guinea pig (They took some blood, I tasted some stuff...The pay was pretty good for 18 hours of non-work.). I've also been making a bit doing surveys online.

I already mentioned our day trip on Saturday and our weekend filled with eating nice food I didn't cook.

Things feel slightly lighter right now, and that's nice. Plus, yesterday, I did this:


I know, that looks like nothing, but it's not. It's a garden, people! If all goes well, we'll be able to save even more money by not buying every vegetable and herb under the sun...Because we'll be growing some of them ourselves! Don't get me wrong, I do not delight in outdoor activities and the relatively small amount of time I've put in so far (three hours yesterday and one and a half today) have proven that gardening will be a workout. But, we need to do all we can to limit our expenses, so I'm willing to give this a try toward that end.

The only thing I'm battling right now are my own bad habits. For the past month I've been eating dessert twice a day. I even went so far on some days as to skip meals so that I could eat another dessert. Now, I'm no nutritionist, but that can't be good. As much as I believe in daily dessert breaks, even I must admit that's not a pattern that should be sustained.

I was able to eat one dessert yesterday, though the craving for another post-dinner was so strong I actually felt anxious and antsy not caving for about 40 minutes. Let's all hope I can keep up my resolve.

What's good in your life right now? Have you sucessfully broken any bad habits?

Happy Friday: Something "Not So Nice"

Welcome to the end of the week, everybody! I heard something odd this Tuesday that I'd like to discuss with you.

I'd taken HUBS to work and spent the day with him at his job. He needed to get his car looked over, and it was just easier to hang out with him than do a lot of coming and going between his place of business and our house (which is about 20 minutes away).

Near the end of the rather long day, I went to the bathroom. HUBS works at an elementary school, and because there are children everywhere the bathrooms can sometimes be iffy. On this particular jaunt to the lavatory, I found a turd on the floor.

I told HUBS about it when I got back to his office, just so he'd be able to avoid it if he went in later. He decided to tell one of the custodians. After she cleaned the bathroom she stopped by his office. That's when she said this: Yeah, you were right. That's what that was. I also found something NOT SO NICE in the trash can, so I just replaced the whole bag.

HUBS thanked her, and when she walked away I told him what her "Not so nice" item had to have been: my maxi pad, which I'd wrapped up and put in the trash since there was no feminine product disposal unit around.

I'm confused. What's wrong with putting a pad in the trash? Was there some Menstruating Ladies Only restroom I should have used? I've been to HUBS' job many times, and no one has ever told me about it. What does this building filled with women do when they have their periods? Bury the pads and tampons in the field out back? Put them back in their purses? Eat the Goddammed things?

Look, I know the place is covered in kids and no one wants to discuss periods with an eight year old boy, but I was slightly offended. Is this not a natural part of life? More natural than say, finding turds on the floor? Come on, janitor lady, I know you're kinda old, but get with it. What do you think? Would you have been offended by what she said?

On to some internet things!

1) How drunk is your city?

2) Gay people should watch the Superbowl, too!

3) Spiders! Ants! Centipedes! Phantom itching explained!

4) Paste Magazine has a list for your every entertainment occasion.

5) OK, Octavia! I'm glad to have that cleared up, because I was worried for a minute that all you thought about was your weight!

That's all for me friends. Enjoy the Superbowl!