Music Monday: January, Thanks!

Ok. So, that was January. Not bad. Got some things done. Fell behind on some others. Learned some things, made some plans. All in all, I do have some things to be grateful for.

January, Thanks!

1) Thanks to laying out some clear plans for things I wanted to get done.

2) Thanks to learning that change isn't as easy as making plans.

3) Thanks to the wisdom of an ear, nose & throat doctor.

4) Thanks to my plush eye mask for sealing out light while I slept on the couch.

5) Thanks to a shelf full of crappy bath towels for being available to wipe up plumbing mishaps.

6) Thanks to free therapy.

7) Thanks to macaroni & cheese for keeping me happy on cold nights.

8) Thanks to yoga for being there when I need it.

9) Thanks to half.com for making reasonably priced gifts a possibility.

10) Thanks to Halls cough drops, tissues, cold medicine and my sinus rinse for getting me healthy sooner.

Hey, that's kind of a lot. Not bad, right? Now, let's stop talking about me and entertain you!









What are you thankful for in January?

Happy Friday! Meet Our New Tree...

Wow, Monday was quite the experience. Within an hour of taking all those cool shots of the snow, our neighbor's tree fell into our backyard. It destroyed her fence and ours (though ours was rather shabby anyway), and narrowly missed our deck. Thank God we had to remove our backyard tree a few years ago, or that likely would have smashed into our deck.

After doing a walk around to check out the damage, we did our taxes. When I cashed in my 401k to pay our credit card bills, the lady at the bank estimated the state taxes. (The Feds don't play, they take that shit out before you even get your hands on your 401k funds.)

I put that amount plus an extra thousand into a CD so we wouldn't spend it. Well, after doing the taxes we realize she way, way overestimated the amount. What does this mean? Holy Fuckballs! It means we have money for groceries and maxi pads again, that's what it means! WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOO!!!

We went out to an early dinner to celebrate and then headed over to the nearby theater for a preview of The Lincoln Lawyer. By the by? Film and soundtrack were awesome.

It's nice to, once again, have some financial pressure taken off. We can actually add to that teeny tiny savings account I started a few months ago! Maybe take a real vacation! Take another class! Finally go to a concert! Money can be so exciting...

Well, my weekend is going to be filled with grocery shopping and probably at least one meal out. Let's part to an amazing performance by Jessie J on last week's SNL. Have a great weekend, guys!

You Have Reasons To Be Excited!

I've been meditating at work. See, I need something to keep me focused on positive stuff during the breaks between calls (which can last anywhere from a few seconds to 10 minutes). I wrote down some affirmations to repeat to myself in the down time. They do seem to be helping me deal with work.

Last night as I was repeating one of my sayings (I have reasons to be excited) I realized that I was actually feeling sadder and sadder. So I made a list of my reasons to be excited.

Here goes:
-we're closer to fall
-we have $115 extra coming to us this month
-we might get into consumer credit counseling or debt relief
-I won't be doing this job for much longer
-I've done this work now and know I never want to do it again
-I've had another book idea & started working on it
-I still have gas in my car
-I might finish a book I got from the library in time to return it in two days
-I have a car
-we have pet food & litter to last a couple weeks
-we have shelter & some food
-I have a free career counseling session scheduled (for today, actually)
-found job & photo selling opportunities online over the weekend (thanks Sugar!)
-we are healthy and not dead
-no one has died for a while (As I wrote this one I was afraid I was jinxing it. Sure enough, HUBS and I found a very small black kitten in the road last night, he'd been hit by a car. Just a few hours after writing how nice it was to not have death hovering over us, there he was laying in the street. I picked him up and said a little blessing, but can't for the life of me think of a name for the little guy. I hope he went quickly.)

The net effect is that I wrote all this cool stuff that I've got going for me (we've got going for us) and yet when one bad thing happened it really did ruin what was left of my night.

I pray that you all have reasons to be excited that make the bad stuff bearable.

Happy Wednesday :)

Two Years And A Good Hat Later...

This is HUBS. Today, we've been married for two whole years. It occurred to me earlier that these two years have probably been filled with more strife than they would have otherwise, since I left my job mere months before our wedded union. Like how we're not going out or getting gifts tonight because we're out of significant amounts of cash for the next two weeks.

But, hopefully the next 3 to 4 weeks will be easier. I got called today for a temp assignment that should last at least that long. It's a telemarketing job. As excited as I am about making some money again, I'm a bit nervous too. I don't want to hate it. I hate hating things! Well, I start Thursday; let's all pray that I enjoy this enough to not cry at work for the next month!

I Am Completely Relaxed

Really...I feel, for the first time in two years, like it's all honestly going to be alright. Maybe I'm finally out of anger, confusion, bitch-fire. Maybe it's because of the book I read last month, Steering by Starlight.

One of the basic ideas is that you know when you've made the right decision about something because you'll feel free. That's exactly how I felt in January 2008 when I left my job and exactly how I felt last month when I decided to never return to the filthy warehouse to work. They called me back early last month, and I went for four days.

Then I thought about what was happening: I spent two of those days crying at work, two more taking extended bathroom breaks where I played games on my phone. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every night before I went in and each morning when I woke up. I could never get to work on time (that was something that started back in March) no matter how early I got up. This was all just like my other job all over again. I know me. If I hadn't quit I'd be there for several years before I got the nerve.

So, here we are. Still not much money coming in and way too much going out. We have bills we can't pay and groceries we can't buy. But, I somehow feel calm. Calm like never before. I actually don't care why. I'm just glad I've got it, and hope I can turn that calm into the confidence I need to get my ideas off the ground.

Pray for me, y'all.

So Glad...

* for summer fruits and veggies
* HUBS has a 3 day weekend
* I mixed two nail polishes together and got a cool, sparkly, plummy color for my toes
* it finally stopped raining
* I quit my factory job
* I read Steering by Starlight
* for kittens frolicking
* for a break from oppressive heat
* I can go pant-less all day
* we might be able to get away next weekend
* I've gotten good things done the past couple of days
* that I have creative ideas
* about the new blog project I'm working on
* for my readers (Thank you! And have a wonderful holiday weekend!)

Thankful, Grateful, Good

On the days I work (not as often as I need to, unfortunately) I often have intense moments of fatigue or job-hatred. Last month I started combating this by concentrating on thoughts of the things I'm grateful for or appreciate in my life.

A brief list of those things:

A walk on a beach in South Carolina at dawn.

HUBS. Especially when he does silly, funny, nerdy, nice things.

A long, hot bath filled with bubbles where I read lots of magazines and shrivel up nicely.

Healthy cats. Inside and outside the house.

A good meal, home-cooked or not.

Dessert.

Naps.

Magic hour (am and pm).

Doing what I need to do when I need to do it.

Surprise money.

Laughing.

My own creativity.

Inspiration.

Good new things.

Meditation.

Pink, purple, sequins and glitter!

What's good in your life right now?

Hmmm...I Feel Better

Could it be because the sun is shining but it's still chilly outside?

Methinks so...

The Good News

To all the fuckers who refuse to hire me: MY WORK IS IN THIS BOOK, BITCHES!!!

I forgot to tell you guys that I finally got the book where some of my writing and photos were published for winning that photo contest. I wasn't expecting the stuff until middle of the month but I got the package on Monday the 2nd. Very fast!


Part of the prize was this camera. It has my NAME ON IT. EEEEEEEEEEE!!! DianaF+ Colette Edition

I don't know how many of you have wanted to have your writing/art published and had it happen for you, but this was awesome! I've had stories published in local things before, but this is a book. Anyone in the world could buy it and see my words and my photography. When I saw it, I cried a little. And I'm such a sap that I'm crying a little now just thinking about that moment again.

I had completely forgotten to tell my mom about the whole contest thing, when I told her about all the cool stuff: camera with my name on it, words and photos in a published book, pics on display at a store in Paris (Colette is a French clothing store that co-sponsored the contest)...Well PT just kept saying how proud she was of me.

There's some cool stuff in this book. My essay and photos were dedicated to my pitiful lack of employment. I was so pleasantly surprised when I won. I've got four pages in the book, which amounted to a total of 10 photographs published. Here's a sample:


I'm still kicking myself for forgetting to include my photoblog address in my bio.

Despite the fact that my unemployment checks are in jeopardy yet again, this my friends, is my one glimmer of hope.


editor's note: I really need to cut my fingernails...It's gettin' kinda hard to type.

Live, Dammit! LIVE!!!

Believe it or not, this isn't the most cats we've had on our property at one time.

I was raised to fear all animals except the most docile of pet fish. My mom was chased home by a snarling dog after school one day as a little girl, so to her, all animals were evil.

This tenet of my formative years held much sway over me until I met HUBS The Cat Loving Man. See, HUBS had always had a cat around the house growing up, sometimes more than one even. He loved fluffy kitties. And that's no euphemism, my friends.

After moving to the St. Louis area and living feline free for a couple of years he was starting to obsess over cats. The strays near my apartment got names from him (Hi Moses!), appreciative calls and plaintive sighs when they'd run off before he could get close enough to pet them.

I was tired of the insanity. I took him to the Humane Society so he could see some cats up close. He ended up adopting one, Tux. And I ended up seeing that not all animals need killing.

Forward to fall 2008. I'm jobless and at home all day most days. My depression, even with Tux to keep me company during the day, is deepening. But, there are bright spots.

Namely? When I spy one of our neighborhood's many stray cats out of a window. I enjoy watching them; the whole hunting, lolling, stalking, napping, trotting lot of them. They somehow make long days with no hope of finding steady work more bearable.

I decided to start feeding them a couple times a week. You know, just since it's kinda cold and they might have a hard time finding food. Really, though? Also because I wanted them to stop spending so much time across the street in front of our neighbor's garage and come a bit closer so I could see them better already.

It didn't take long to become completely invested in their lives. I run outside when I see them lolling in the street to keep them safe. I've started putting food out every day and on occasion twice a day (I feel bad when someone comes by later who missed out). I know who's dating whom and when I think of moving I know I'd miss them and wonder who'd feed them. But, most notably...I name them. Xut (that's pronounced Zoot) and Bandit were HUBS' idea, but Flo, Frankie, Sebastian and Chester were totally my doing.

And HUBS has only encouraged my obsession. Twice he's called me on his way to work to let me know the cats were gathering, Xut was shivering and I should probably put out food. Of course, I do. How could I not?

I want those strays and their as yet un-named cohorts to live like no strays have lived before. And I'm only a little ashamed by it now.

Let's Get to the Bottom of This

I am nothing if not a list-maker. I sometimes write them down (mostly in my little pink hardcover purse-sized notebook) and I sometimes make lists in my head that never reach paper. I love crossing things off my lists and have been known to list things I've already done just for the complete feeling of crossing off.

Now, here's the thing; I need to change my life. Maybe not in the Oprahriffic sense of the word (all big and hard and I'll-never-be-the-same), but I need change none the less. I'm bored. I need a job. I need to enjoy life and create and experiment again.

In an effort toward all this I've come up with some ideas, goals if you will (and please do, I hate the idea of resolutions). These are things I want to do or get or incorporate into my life more fully. Because I love you guys, this is my first time writing down this list I've been thinking of for three weeks.

So, let me know what you think. Are you trying to do some of these things too? What do you want from the new year? From your life in general before you kick it? This'll be hard, but if we do it right, a helluva lot of fun too. Happy New Year!

Things To Do

-Lose 60 lbs this year. I know I should focus on being healthy/strong/blahdy blah blah, but obviously if I can lose 60 crappy-making-me-tired pounds, I'll be healthier.

-Go back to bellydance class. I haven't been in about 5 or 6 years. I loved it and I'm pretty sure I stopped because of money. This will help with the poundage thing.

-Park further away from destinations. I've actually already started this. It hasn't killed me yet.

-Go on more photo walks. Even without HUBS. I've been working on this too. The goal is to A)Walk and B)Take as many pics as possible.

-Update my flickr more often. Look at me! I've been doing this for a couple of months now, too. In 2005, when I first joined, I was on the thing all the freakin' time. I had no friends and hadn't met HUBS yet, and it really helped me feel connected to people. I miss the camaraderie created in comments and flickr mails. I wouldn't mind getting it back.

-Have more sex. We used to enjoy sexy time at least a couple times a week, but 2008 was the year of dwindling bed bopping. This, I admit, is mostly because I cannot have an orgasm to save my life, and sex has started to feel sorta pointless for me. To get past this I will A)finally find a sex therapist and go talk to them and B)jump HUBS on occasion.

-Talk to people. This is going to be so hard. I am naturally quiet and shy and a loner. But I've realized this hasn't gotten me anywhere. Since I haven't been in an office everyday I find myself completely disconnected from humankind. I have one person I used to work with who actually still bothers to email me from time to time, and that's it. No other friends. The Lady of Honor in my wedding (a close friend in college whose wedding I was in 8 years ago) doesn't even call or write to me. She's got kids, and apparently that makes it impossible to send a two line email once a month. What I need are acquaintances and actual friends I can hang out with and talk to on a regular basis. Do you know how long it's been since I had someone other than HUBS to go to lunch/dinner/movies with? The eons that have passed since I walked the mall with a girlfriend? I need people, talking to strangers will help with that.

-Find a job I love and make really good money at. I took a real step toward this on Sunday by writing to almost every newspaper in town and asking to write film reviews for them. I believe I've got one paper left and a handful of magazines.

-Get some notice for my photography. By October it had become pretty obvious people weren't just going to 'find' my photoblog. So I started sending out emails to some of my favorite design/creative/thing-loving bloggers asking them to check my pics out and recommend me to their readers. I've sent out about 6 so far, only 1 has bothered to give me a word on their blog. Do you know what this means? I have zillions more emails to send out. I will finally make a list of who to send to.

-Enter more photography contests. I managed to win one back in the fall and am hoping my pics get some notice from it. I haven't talked about it yet because the book my pics and poetry are going to be published in(as well as my prize of a tricked out toy camera) won't be out until March. So, it still doesn't feel totally real. Next? Entering contests where I can win money!

-Finish my screenplay, dammit! And? Get to work on the 3 or 4 other ideas I have rattling around in my tired brain.

-Create a photobook on Blurb. Possibly combine with my writing/poetry. Advertise it and get people to buy it. I just downloaded the software today.

-Put my wedding and honeymoon photobook together. Um...It's been 6 months. It's time.

-Get lower rates on B of A and Chase credit cards. I did it two years ago with my Citi card. I know it can be done.

-Volunteer somewhere. It'll help with the meeting people thing.

-Finally hang all those magazine/catalog tears that I've painstakingly laminated (I'll change it once a month, like my own little art installation).

-Start shopping at Aldi's again (ultra cheap prices).

-Dress better. After a year spent mostly at home I feel a bit like a bum. Even when I did leave the house I usually wore the baggiest, slouchiest clothes possible. I've been reading fashion books (The Lucky Guide to Mastering Any Style, How To Have Style, The Little Black Book of Style) for inspiration. And I just ordered some very stylish clearance items from Old Navy to help. This is gonna be hard to integrate into my daily, usually-just-leave-to-run-errands lifestyle. I did pretty good for a couple of weeks in December, but then fell pray to baggy blah stuff on my trip to Petco yesterday.

-Wear makeup. I'm not talking about a full face, just the occasional blush or eyeshadow to pep me up a bit.

-Going out and gussying up. Other than going out to eat (way too much, considering our financial state) and heading to the occasional movie, we don't really go out. And we certainly don't dress up. I think we should start. At least a couple times a month.

-Go to a dive and play pool.

-Go bowling. I hated it in high school gym class, but feel I should give it another try.

-Go out for drinks.

-Go to a networking event. I've been meaning to do this for over a year, but I've let the shyness/fear thing stop me. There's a group that meets every month and January is as good a time as any to start.

-Do something with my toenails. They're kinda dry, I need to stop just covering them up.

Things To Buy

-Trouser style jeans

-A good white button down shirt

-Fitted long sleeve t-shirts in lots of colors

-A denim skirt

-Slim jeans

-A denim jacket

-Feathered headbands from UO

-Something with studs

-Frye boots

-Something lacy

-Another real leather purse

-Motorcycle style jacket

-Redscale film from Lomo

-Poster frames that don't fall apart (4 of the 16x20 and 2 of the 22x36)

-Ginormous HDTV for HUBS

-BlueRay player with upconverting for HUBS

-A new media center for all this new electronica (and all the old dvds/cds)

-Another movie journal when I finish the one I've had since 2001

-A buffet/sideboard/cabinet/dresser to hold the stuff we have no place for

-Polaroid film (600 and Spectra). I got a new (old) camera in November I haven't even used yet because the film is so outrageously priced on ebay.

-New nail polish (some of my old standby colors need replacing)

Well. Looks like I've got a lot of work to do.

It's All Sunny Out

From when he bought me a rose, earlier this month.

Our heat keeps coming on so it must be ridonkulously cold outside, but it is sunny. And when it's cold I actually don't mind the sun.

HUBS and I managed to go to dinner at one of our favorite places on my birthday, A'mis. We had a temporarily free $100 placed in our pitiful account by the overdraft protection gods, and used about $38 bucks to get us my Bday dinner.

The whole day was good, actually. My friend TC (who still works at the company I left in January) took me out to lunch at a great Thai place downtown that we love, Sen. November 19 is both of our birthdays, so from the time we realized that way back in...crap...'99(?), we've celebrated together.

After lunch I walked around downtown and then Webster to take pictures. It was so peaceful. I always feel independent and tough when I do photo walks, don't ask me why. And? I got some great stuff. I had two cameras with me, the digital I carry every day and my Diana+. The Diana uses 120 film, I'll take it to be developed today, and by the time it comes in HUBS will be paid again and I can afford to pick it up. Yay!

I think I did some reading in between photo walking and HUBS getting home. The best part about unemployment is unlimited reading time. I'm considering putting a sidebar on my site that shows how much stuff I've read in the past few months. Internet! You'd be muy impressed!

After dinner we walked around Borders for about an hour, looking at things we wanted but could not get. Then we headed to Quick Trip for snacks. I've been having a serious blueberry muffin moment for the past month, and QT simply has the best ones. You know how the top of the muffin should get a bit crispy and have that overhang that in women with too-tight pants is known as a "muffin top"? Well, only a QT muffin has muffin-top down to perfection.

My other QT weakness? Their cappuccino. Oh. MY. GOD! So fucking good, people. When it gets cold I want one everyday. Problem is they are packed with calories, sugar...I had three last week and am trying to cut back. I actually got regular coffee with cinnamon hazelnut cream and just added a bit of their caramel macchiato. Not bad, but not the same. I can feel a weekend indulgence coming on.

We got back home, and had our snackage while watching a couple of episodes from Buffy season 5. I don't remember Riley being in so many eps this season.

Later, there was snuggling. And then we fell asleep.

Good day. A really good Birthday.

Happy Friday everybody!!

Here I Go

About three weeks ago I got up early one Monday morning, put on my interview suit and headed out to Earth City, MO to reapply at a temp agency. I say reapply because it's the same agency I worked for after I graduated from college in '97, once it became obvious I wasn't going to get whisked away to Manhattan by a tony fashion mag that wanted me to be their photo editor.

On one hand this turned out good. I took all these tests: grammar, Microsoft Word, typing, Excel, sentence structure, even Power Point (which I'd never even looked at before, much less used). Except for Excel I tested as "expert" in everything. So, at least I know I'm not stupid, even though not being able to find an acceptable job makes me feel like I am. I know I definitely have concrete skills to offer.

But...This also means I'll be temping again. Basically, starting all over at the beginning again. And? Likely doing stuff I hate. Filing, data entry, answering the phones...Nothing creative, interesting. Just more of the same shitty soul-crushing work I left behind in January.

The agency needed my social security card and I didn't bother really trying to find it until Sunday. I took it in yesterday and filled out all their tax papers/agreements/yada yada.

Since I only have about a month left on unemployment it's a bit of hope for some kind of work. And yet...Working at something I hate AGAIN is destroying me.

A LOT.