Music Monday: Perfect Timing

Sometimes you happen upon things for a very good reason. I had a rough night; I was sick and barely slept, and when I did fall to sleep a bit it was on the couch so I could be as close to the bathroom as possible.

I spent most of this morning and early afternoon on that very same couch, trying to piece myself back together for work, chores and the household fix-up HUBS and I had planned for later today.

The only thing I could really do with any consistent focus was finish my April issue of O Magazine. There, on page 169, was an article by Lauren Slater called Getting Lighter. In it, she talks about her decades long depression and how it made even the simplest of tasks (taking a shower, putting on non-pajama clothes) become more and more difficult; and how she's striving to feel better by making sure she looks better (new clothes, new hair cut, a well-made-up face even though she's only sitting at home writing...).

Now, it's confession time. I am sometimes so exhausted just from being alive and trying all day long not to panic or worry or get sad for no good reason, that I frequently skip bathing. Not for one day; hell taking showers every other day on a regular basis would be excellent for me. I sometimes skip showers for days at a time; four or even five to be exact.

I find bathing tiring in a way that no personal grooming should ever be. Admittedly, about 70% of this is me being woefully out of shape and actually (dammit, I'm confessing again) getting winded when I shower. The other 30% is my desire to not be reminded of how out of shape I am by seeing myself naked and sweating through my shower because of the mild, mild cardio I get from it.

Also in that 30%? Not wanting to move. Never, ever wanting to move.

I'm entirely too comfortable sitting, all day every day. And for me bathing isn't just jumping in the shower, oh no. It's a whole series of exhausting steps: cleaning the bathtub, taking off my clothes, bathing, drying off, putting on lotion, putting on new underwear and clothes, cooling off (even if my shower/bath was already a cool one).

I am trying to do better, I honestly am. The thing that has struck me since starting medication for depression again is that it's almost worthless without my effort. This is probably why I've had few real successes in my life (lofty dreams and unfinished plans, acquaintances and few friends, jobs but no fulfilling career to speak of).

I'm scared to move. I'm scared to try. I'm scared to fail.

The giant-ass white pill I'm now taking isn't the cure-all. I am.

Cough Drop Pep Talk

I told you that I've been sick for a couple of weeks. As part of my convalescence, I downed a couple of Halls per day to keep the cough monster at bay. Last week I noticed that the wrapper on my drops was covered in positive slogans.

Inspire envy.
Be unstoppable.
Conquer today.
Dust off and get up.

Sure, this is all nice stuff to hear that could perk you up on an average day. But, it still seems a bit odd. Are we so hell bent on ambition that we can't be left to illness in peace? Or, are we so filled with in-adequateness anxiety that we need constant pep talks, even from our cough drops? Do we really need constant reassurance?

Isn't there something to be said for not being forced positive thoughts when we're sick? Sometimes you need to curl up with a box of tissues, a well-lined trash can, your comfiest p.j.'s and blanket, a stack of magazines and the best bad T.V. show you can find. Sometimes you need to sleep all day and have fever dreams and let your mind wander and not be able to tell those dreams from the real stuff happening around you.

I love a good pep talk as much as anyone, but illness is human and natural. So are bad days, lazy days and blah feelings. I'm not offended by the cough drop pep talks, I just find it to be a bit much.

What do you guys think? Is the Cough Drop Pep Talk needed or an unnecessary bridge too far?

13 Things You Should Know

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Let's get something out of the way immediately: I do not have an extensive catalog of life experience. I've never back-packed around the world alone, dated more than one guy at a time, survived a drug overdose or defeated a criminal mastermind.

Even still, I do have an interesting collection of knowledge from my time on the planet thus far. Without further ado, here's some stuff I think everyone should know.

13 Things You Should Know

1) Lady bugs are bitches. Ever been bitten by one? I have, and that shit hurts like a mutha fucka.

2) It's completely possible to forget how to ride a bike. After a couple of years not riding my bike I figured I could just hop on and glide away again...I could not.

3) You can lose a fairly significant portion of your hair and still not appear bald. It's all about careful combing, people.

4) Eating yourself into a shame coma isn't pleasant, but sometimes it is necessary.

5) There's nothing wrong with a day spent in bed, even when the days on either side of that day are filled with similar levels of do-nothing-ness.

6) You never have to say yes, but every now and then you should.

7) Multi-cat households are not automatically run by crazy people who fart loudly in front of strangers and pee in the sink. Why are people with loads of dogs seen as gentle, kind hearted folk, while people with lots of cats are deemed ready for the nut house?

8) Speaking of farting in front of strangers, sometimes you just have to. Say nothing and move on.

9) TV is awesome, but so is turning it off when you're not actually watching anything.

10) You can have acne, dry skin, oily skin and baby wrinkles all at once. The aging process? Somewhat alarming.

11) There's nothing wrong with paying for your groceries with a pile of change. It is money, after all. Just be a dear and count it out for the cashier, mmmkay?

12) You're not truly special until you manage to get a rock inside your sock while walking and wearing knee-high boots. Happens to me all the time. I blame the Weird Vortex that surrounds me.

13) You can burp and hiccup at the same time. But, be prepared; it'll either be outrageously loud or outrageously painful.

There you have it! Now, what do you think we should know?

Ahh...The Muse

Inspiration is a tricky thing, isn't it? No matter what you're working on (article with a looming deadline, painting, photo essay, book proposal or business plan) that urge to create is essential. So when the muse isn't with you, what do you do?

In many things getting started is the hurdle that can help. At least, that's what everyone says. Begin, the logic says, and let things flow until you find something that resonates with you and gets the juices flowing. And this is what I often do. It does help, but sometimes it feels empty.

I've never been much of a "fake it 'til you make it" person. It's not that I don't believe it works; it just usually doesn't get me to a genuine place. Say I'm having a crappy day and someone smiles at me in the grocery store. I always smile back, but it doesn't make me any happier or ease my anxieties. I frequently feel like a poseur for doing it, like I'm not being myself in the moment. And I don't like that. I don't like doing things just because I'm supposed to. I want to want to do nice things, kind things, generous things.

Maybe it's childish, but I want to create because I've been struck by an idea and moved in some way that I want to share with others. I suppose it's incredibly naive, especially for someone who's been writing, painting, playing music and dreaming up fantastical inner worlds for almost 40 years to desire more frequent light bulb moments. But, there you go.

Do you get inspired to begin, or begin to get inspired?