Heal Thyself!

So, aside from trying to get better and help HUBS get better this past month, I've also been reading a book that was suggested to me by a reader of this blog (Thanks, Jeri!).

The Depression Cure was written by a doctor who created a drug-free program to help people kick their depression symptoms in the ass.

What I love most about the program is that everything is doable, inexpensive or free and based on some pretty simple ideas. Since we tend to close ourselves off from life when we're depressed, we end up making things worse because, guess what? We need to get some exercise, hang out with people, sleep a solid part of the night, go outside and see the sun and do things we enjoy so that we stop dwelling on our problems (perceived and real).

I haven't fully implemented all of his ideas, mostly because there's still a bit of upheaval around these parts, but I am happy about what I've been able to do so far.

1) I'm taking an omega 3 supplement because it's been shown to help with mood.

2) I've been using Breathe Right strips since Friday, and they have greatly helped my ability to sleep through the night. (With the exception of Monday night, when I was up for an hour and 40 minutes dealing with a bout of food poisoning. I'm done with you, Applebee's.)

3) Now that it's cooler outside, I've been spending a lot more time outside in the sun. Not purposely soaking up the sun, but not actively staying to the shadows when I'm outside, either.

4) With all our HUBS medical trips of the past few weeks, I've probably talked to more people this month than I have all summer. Even though doing so much of it was annoying at times, I know it's better than locking myself away in my cat-filled house on a daily basis.

5) I let HUBS talk me into swimming last week. His physical therapist said it would be good for his back and leg, and he found a place with a whirlpool, sauna and steam room to help with my congestion that we could try for free. And, you know what? I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was free. We went in the middle of the week at night so hardly anyone was there. The pool was a balmy 84 degrees so it didn't shock to get into or out of. The whirlpool without bubbles was to die for. You have my heart Jewish Community Center. You. Have. My. Heart.

6) I've become completely absorbed in the games on my phone. Ruminating is one thing that will make depression worse every time. I needed to get my mind off things and turned to my neglected game apps. It has worked tremendously. I even had HUBS futz with my phone to give me more storage space so I could add more games. I'm loving the freedom it's giving my brain!

I plan to do more as I feel better. Honestly, I feel like I have some control over my symptoms for the first time in my life. If nothing else, this program works just by giving me hope of being able to beat this thing. Plus, I'll have a nice list of steps I can take to make things better when I start to get down.

If you're battling the blues or full blown depression, I cannot say enough to recommend getting your hands on this book. I really believe it will help.

Do you have any tried and true methods for beating back the blues? I'd love to hear them, so share in the comments!

Happy Friday: Normalcy Is A Tricky Thing

HUBS and I are both sick. I have some sort of sinus infection that I've been battling for a month, while HUBS hurt his back last month and has been in so much pain for the past two weeks that he's been on worker's comp leave for almost the whole time and will likely have at least another week off.

As you might remember, I'm not currently working. But when I do, I work at home. Driving long distances in rush hour traffic are no longer a part of my DNA. HUBS' injury has lead to an amount of (almost) daily driving that has been unprecedented in my life for the past four years.

And, since I'm semi-sleep deprived and completely unused to driving a lot, this has been a difficult time. HUBS is cranky 'cause he's in pain and no one really knows what's causing the pain. I'm cranky 'cause I'm essentially running errands every day and I've been congested for a month and I'm not sleeping enough.

Blah.

I say all this to explain my light posting and attention to all your blogs as of late. I plan to go to the doctor some time next week, which will hopefully cure at least some of my issues and lead to a clearer head and more internet time.

Plus! We do have good news. HUBS' excellently supportive parents have generously relieved us of a tremendous amount of financial responsibility. So, we have some breathing room that we need to plan out lest we end up in a ridiculous amount of money trouble again. Which is causing tiny panic attacks every time I think about it, but I suppose I'll get over that soon.

Enough about my crap! Let's see what I've been missing online...

1) Babies belong to gangs now? I'm horrified...And filled with laughter.

2) Sports fans will likely go nutty over this exhaustive list of every team logo ever. They even cover rugby!

3) Planning a fall trip to Copenhagen but never been abroad before? Here's a great list of all the things you'll need to keep in mind. There are two more parts if you want more help.

4)I've been in a forced foggy-headed internet vacation for most of two weeks, but if you're feeling overwhelmed by online life you shouldn't fear tuning out for a bit. 12 Most gives you some inspiration for shutting down and living off line.

5) If you're trying to eat healthy, this list of the Top 10 Superfoods could help you out.

Phew! This was a lot of interneting for one day. Now I need a nap. Have a great weekend, everyone!

10 Things I Don't Understand

Hey! Someone else looks like crap with messy hair just like me! Good to know...

There are some things about life which I have little or no understanding of. Here's my list.

10 Things I Don't Understand About Life

1) Messy hair: It looks fine on other people (usually). But, if I have a single hair out of place, I am guaranteed to look like a homicidal crack head. Isn't it nice to know what doesn't work for you?

2) Giving the finger: Sure, I've done it a couple of times in righteous anger. But, it just felt kinda...Meh. Since what I really want to do when I flip someone off is yell or smack them upside the head with a large metal serving spoon, the finger just doesn't feel like enough. So, I don't do it.

3) Thong underwear: These, ostensibly, became all the rage to remove ladies' panty lines. Can I tell you something? When I was still working downtown and saw well-dressed career women all the time, a LOT of them had thong panty lines. And there is nothing more hideous than a constant reminder of a stranger's ass crack. I am pro-granny panty. All the way.

4) Sunscreen: Now, before you begin to silently judge me, you should know that I of course wear sunscreen. But, I also hate it with a fierce passion. I'm sure there's some $45,000 bottle of the stuff out there that makes you feel fresh and glowy and sophisticated. I only buy the drugstore variety, so I turn into a sticky hobo within an hour of putting the stuff on. Dammit, sun!

5) Iced coffee: Just disgusting. If coffee's not hot, what's the point? I will sit under a fan on full blast if need be to have my piping morning cuppa. Yes I will.

6) Piercings: Earrings? Sure. A dainty diamond stud in the nose? OK, fine. But bones and bars and ear lobe extenders? No. And, you're not even an original anymore, hun. Take it out, stitch it up and move on.

7) Politics: Oh, I vote. Lots of people went through a lot of trouble, including dying, so my black female ass could have a say. The problem? I find it impossible to believe 99% of what anyone on either side (or in the middle) tells me. I think most of them just want the power of being elected. And the rest of them will soon be corrupted by all the games they need to play to get anything accomplished. As you might imagine, I usually leave my polling place feeling vaguely icky and praying I made a choice that won't send us into Armageddon.

8) Fashion magazines that refuse to acknowledge the fact that most women can't, and wouldn't even if they could, pay $70 for eyeshadow: Show some cheap shit, already! And? Stop pretending you have a story on high/low fashion when your "low" is a pair of $189 pants. You know what? Nevermind. You keep acting like fools and I'll keep not reading and yelling Fuck you Vogue! when I pass a newsstand.

9) Ugly-cute animals: Notice we don't ascribe this dichotomy to people? That's because ugly-cute doesn't exist. Can you really not love your ugly-ass dog if you don't insist it's cute? Well, shame on you, I say. Shame!

10) Low rise pants: Haven't we all seen enough butt crack beginnings in our lives? Haven't we?!

What things about modern life do you not understand?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Look (Sorta) Good When You Feel Like Crap

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Well, well. I'm finally almost getting over my feeling of being exiled by illness. And while I'm no where near 100%, I am bolstered by a good bath and hair combing.

Why are those things so important? Because when you're sick, whether those are physical or mental blahs you're dealing with, it's easy to get mired in bed with ratty hair and dirty pajamas. Sometimes that's OK. But sometimes, you absolutely need to leave the house. And when that happens, you should try to look presentable enough that everyone you come into contact with doesn't frown upon seeing you and ask, "Do you want me to call someone for you?"

Here now? My tips to look less like the crap that you feel.

How To Look (Sorta) Good When You Feel Like Crap

1) Get up slowly. OK, so you have to be somewhere. If at all possible don't make this a first-thing-in-the-morning kind of appointment. In my experience, that will just make you angry. Shoot for an out-the-door time of 10 or 11 am. That way you can roll out of bed, relax for a bit and then ease yourself into presentability. Also? Don't pretend you'll be any more ready for leaving the house after noon. Give yourself too much time, and it will just get harder to be motivated. And you know it.

2) Some grooming is essential. Look, I'm not going to pretend that I am the most kempt person while ill. I am not. But when you need to show your face to the world, you gotta do something. If you can't get with brushing your teeth, eat something that smells good before you leave. Nobody can use their breath as a knockout weapon after having peppermint candy or a chocolate chip cookie.

Don't feel like combing your knotty mess of hair? This is what scarves, hats, ponytails and razors were invented for. Too tired to bathe? Clean the essentials. Yeah, those essentials. (Though I must say, a cap full of bleach in a hot-as-I-can-stand tub full of water always does wonders when I feel like shit.)

3) Eat. Something! Maybe you've been losing precious nutrients through no volition of your own during this time and you're a bit afraid of ingesting anything that will upset the delicate balance of your tummy. If you're going to keep your wits about you in the world at large, you'll need some food in you.

Saltines and Sierra Mist may not be exciting, but they'll stop you from fainting in Sears. So will a bit of white rice with sugar (no milk or butter unless your illness involves no intestinal difficulties...trust me if you haven't learned this lesson for yourself) or dry toast.

4) Decoration becomes you. Put on your best looking, non-confining clothes. Lip balm if you're a guy, lip gloss and blush (if you can stand it) for the ladies. Add big shades for your undoubtedly weary eyes and nice, but comfy, shoes. There! That wasn't so hard! Now, get out of the house and get your shit done so you can crawl back into bed as soon as possible.

Happy Friday: Sorta Kinda

People? I am not having a good week. I'm sick, sleep deprived, achy, irritable and tired of things that should be simple turning drastically more difficult (and more expensive). So, in order to DO MY OPPOSITE, let's not go into too many details, OK? Here's what went right this week...

1) I finally had work done on my car so I could get my tags renewed.
2) When my horn shorted out and wouldn't stop honking, a nice apartment manager named Jessie helped me and even called her maintenance men in from lunch to look at my car.
3) I have not died from whatever cold/allergy/demon sinus infection I've gotten.
4) I started reading The Depression Cure and think I can integrate the changes into my life.
5) I wrote a cool blog post while trapped at the mechanics yesterday, it'll post next week.
6) Also while getting my car fixed? I solved my glitchy phone issues. At least for now.
7) We're getting a steady stream of sensible rain today, plus it's not hellishly hot. I really appreciate that!

Now! Internet awesome!

1) Maybe The Pomodoro Technique can help us "eliminate the anxiety of time."

2) The Scale of the Universe 2 is a website created by two 14 year old twins. And if you want to see how big you are in relation to the St. Louis Arch, a shrew, a twip and a lot of other stuff massive or massively tiny, you'll love it. I was trapped on here for half an hour Wednesday. But! It's OK! You learn things!

3) The wonderful weirdness that is Retronaut has skeletons of our favorite cartoon characters.

4) It's possible I'm behind the curve on this one, but I just found 12 Most. The site has great lists that'll help you learn stuff in business, media and lifestyle categories.

5) Finally, if you've started storing files in the cloud, Techlicious has a safer way to do it.

That's all for me, lovelies. I'm going to go get the tags for my car and try to exercise some before collapsing into a wickedly tired heap. Have a great weekend!

What's gone right for you this week?

Music Monday: Changing Things

This weekend was pretty low key, but I did do something essential on Saturday: I went to see a new therapist.

Six free sessions were made possible by HUBS' insurance company and their employee assistance program. I also made an appointment for free financial counseling that'll take place over the phone Wednesday. I'm not sure the money man will be able to tell me anything I don't already know, but it's worth a shot.

The therapist had some good starting suggestions, and until my next appointment my homework is to look into the things she suggested. And, that includes a visit to a homeopathic store to see if any natural stuff can alleviate my depression symptoms.

So, it's all worth a try, right?

Now, some new music for you!

Happy Friday! Trying To Live My Own Lessons

Mom before me, in January of '72.

Boy, did I ever get smacked in the face with my own theories this week. My mom, who I've been worried about since she got laid off right after my uncle died in spring 2009, finally got a job on Wednesday. She starts work tonight.

And? I'm jealous.

I know! I just talked about this on Tuesday. PT did not get my job. Her getting a job does not mean that there is one less job for me. I have some good stuff going on. I woke up at 4:44 this morning because I couldn't breathe (that's not the good thing; anyway, I think I have a sinus infection) and ended up applying for two jobs online and filling out two applications that had been sitting around for a week.

So, I need to let you know that PT getting herself a job really does make me happy and less worried. But I happen to also be completely envious. She's applied for exactly two jobs in her three years of unemployment and she nailed the second one. I've put my name in the race for, what must be, a couple of hundred jobs and aside from two short temp gigs...Nothing.

PT will be leaving for work soon, I have to call and wish her luck, so here are some internet wanderings for your enjoyment this weekend.

1)If you're interested in continuing your education, Mashable has a list of ways to do it online.

2) Brain Pickings has had some interesting articles on sleep and why it's good for every aspect of our lives.

3) Margaret Atwood has 10 honest rules for writing fiction. This list is great for all the writers out there (in here).

4) Lifehacker has the scoop on a web app that'll let you license your Instagram pics.

5) And for a little comedy, Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is not impressed and Expendables 2 stars before they were famous.

Enjoy the weekend, lovelies!

Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

When I'm having a hard time, it's difficult for me to watch strangers be happy. I'm not proud of that, but there it is. I don't want other people to be miserable, but if I'm down I don't want to be a witness to their good fortune, either.

And, really? I don't think I'm alone in this. We all get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, when you're struggling with what you don't have, it's impossible to see anything else but what others do have. And it always seems like so much more than what you've got. There are a few things you can do to keep from losing your mind whenever you see someone with more (success, free time, money, fame, talent, joy, luck, classic cars...)of what you want.

How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

1) Focus: What's leading to the feelings of inadequacy? Facebook? Twitter? Monthly meetups with high school classmates? Give it a rest for a bit and concentrate on your life and whatever is working. Even if it's tiny. You finally finished that book of crossword puzzles! Your cat's gotten over her cold! The old man who stares at you while licking his lips wasn't on the bus today! Technically, I suppose this is what's commonly referred to as "gratitude", but I've decided I don't like that word. It sounds too lofty; like whatever you chose to spotlight had better be a major life-changer. Big stuff is fine, but since most of us only get little victories on a regular basis, those are the ones to focus on.

2) They don't have your stuff: For some reason this one's especially hard to remember. Here's the truth: just because you want to become a well-known and widely respected singer/songwriter doesn't mean that Taylor Swift got your mojo. Neither did John Mayer or Kanye West or anyone else who's doing what you want to be doing at a high level. While it's true that some people have more opportunities than others, everybody has their own juice. No one else has your money or your fame or your talent. They've made the most of what they were given and you have to do the same.

3) We never see the whole story: Another thing I'm not proud of is one of my jealousy coping mechanisms. Whenever I see someone my age or younger in a fabulous car, say a Bentley convertible, I invent bad stuff for their life. He lives in his car. His toddler son is a terror. He stole all the money he used to buy the car and will soon be caught and imprisoned...You get the picture. My point, though somewhat mean, is surprisingly valid. When you look at someone's Facebook page, do you know what they're sharing?

THE GOOD STUFF. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF!

No one is telling you about the toe they broke finishing that 25 mile marathon. They don't mention all the food they wasted trying to create the dish that won $10,000 in a recipe contest. Everyone's life is difficult in some way; they just don't make a habit of splashing those tribulations all over the internet. Remember that next time you're filled with envy.

Music Monday: Just Me?

Is it my imagination, or is time passing by faster? I woke up today with a firm plan to accomplish amazing things, was quickly derailed by a mental paralysis unique to those of us dealing with strained financial issues, and saw my day fly by completely without my noticing. Now I'm in a rush to get anything at all done before nightfall catches me by surprise.

Oh, well. We all have our crosses...

Tuesday Tipday: How To Make Housework Less Horrible

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I don't know about you, but I find housework to be a necessary evil. Of course there's a momentary sense of accomplishment when I finally complete some chore or other. But, I'm always irritated by the fact that within a week all that hard work will need to be done again. Here are some tips to make the process less painful.

How To Make Housework Less Horrible

1) Make it enjoyable: Unless you find sweeping, dusting and baseboard cleaning relaxing, I know this might seem impossible. But! We have music for a reason, you know. Blast the most distracting, fun, dance-your-ass-off tunes, get in the mood to move and cleaning will go by faster than you know.

2) Make it necessary: Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you make your bed everyday before school to teach you about responsibility...or something? Stop that. If housework gives you fits, stop doing the things you don't have to do, or at least stop doing them so often. Don't move all your furniture to vacuum on a weekly basis; maybe do it once every two months. Ease up on yourself for God's sake!

3) Make it even(er): If your spouse and/or kids and/or long-term house guests aren't pulling their cleaning weight, it's time for that crap to end. Sit them down and tell them that you will no longer do everything. Make assignments that require them to take care of their duties on a regular rotation that you can both agree on. Then, let it go. Try to forget how you would do it as long as it gets done; otherwise you'll stress yourself out and might as well still be handling it yourself.

4) Make it slow: I know. It's hard to keep up with the little stuff with everything else going on. But, I also know what's it's like to let all the dusting, baseboard cleaning, window washing, laundry and furniture cat-hair de-fluffing go until it all needs doing at once. Pick a day, pick a thing, do that and only that and get on with your life. Then next week (day, month...year) do it again.

*What household chores do you hate?

*I cannot stand to vacuum. I feel like I'm dying when I do it, which is how HUBS ended up on vacuum duty as of two years ago.

Happy Friday: Better Times

It's entirely possible that the weather will actually be nice this weekend. I didn't even need the A/C on today until after 2 pm! I am very happy about this, people! HUBS has been very stressed getting ready for the school year to start next week (he's been working 10 or more hours a day for two weeks), and we both need to get out a bit.

I've had a very productive day. I applied for three jobs, evaluated my freelance rates and exercised. I like days like this, when I get real stuff done all day long.

Well, I hope you've got something nice planned this weekend. But, if not, here's some things to help keep you happy indoors.

1) Make this weekend body positive.

2) In time for the tail end of Olympic fever, I bring you the Olympic Scrunchies tumblr and this Smart Money article on the true cost of getting to the games.

3) Ever wondered what cats get up to when we let them outside? Check out the Kitty Cams Project.

4) Boredom might be good for your creativity. Who knew?

5) Wild author and advice columnist Cheryl Strayed talks about writing, reading and learning.

I Entered A Contest

If you head over to the Cottonelle Facebook page and click on Name It in their timeline, you can enter to win some cool prizes. Just like I did!

TV You Should Be Watching

Isn't television a frequently wonderful thing? I've always been a TV lover, and since HUBS and I are currently people of modest means, most of our nights are spent in front of a weekly television series discussing the vagaries of human motivation. Or, sometimes just laughing our asses off. But, you know, either way it's fun!

We've come upon some shows recently that I would be remiss not to discuss with you. They are all funny and thought provoking, and I think you'll like them.

1) Veep

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I like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, so I had decent hopes for Veep. Who knew it would turn out to be one of the more surprising new shows in years? As you can likely guess by the title, she plays a US Vice President. And she just happens to be dealing with a distant daughter, scheming lawmakers, a president who doesn't much respect her, a pregnancy scare and her own struggles to push her political agenda while under intense media scrutiny. I know, it sounds hilarious! Actually, that's one of the things we loved about the show; it manages to be truly funny while still dealing with insider political stuff very realistically. The first season has finished showing, but you can watch it on HBO GO. Favorite Line: "I am going to throw up a leg."



2) Girls

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I freely admit that Girls is one of those shows where I initially thought Great, just what we need. Another young-pretty-white-people-in-New York show. How could we ever get enough of those! But, I kept hearing about it and when we decided to give it a try we sort of hated most of the main characters...and found them fascinating. Creator/writer/producer/star Lena Dunham has given us the most confused, self-absorbed group of fuck-ups who still manage to be watchable that I've ever seen. They are brutally aware of their friends' foibles while being blind to their own. They also constantly get themselves into funny bits of odd trouble that you simply can't look away from. In short? They're young, stupid and human. I enjoy Girls a LOT more than my young-pretty-white-people-in-New York barometer should allow me to, which is a huge testament to the joys that lie herein. This is also over for the year; watch on HBO GO. Or, wait until the first season DVD comes out. Favorite Line: "I know all the dick moves, OK? Don't be a dick."



3) Episodes

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Episodes is, by far, one of the funniest shows that's come along in recent years. If you haven't heard already, Matt LeBlanc (yeah, Joey from Friends) stars as an uber-douchey version of himself in this show about the making of a sitcom. We get a view of the unbelievably hard work that goes into making even the most mediocre of TV shows, all while providing steady laughs when the characters inevitably blow up their own lives. This one's still playing on Showtime for a few weeks, but there's a whole first season available on DVD for you to catch up on. Favorite Line: "Well, I guess things did get kinda blowy and sucky."



What shows do you look forward to every week?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Say No

...These women were unable to say no. You don't want to end up like them, in a bundle on the floor with your ass showing, do you?

If you look at a women's magazine in any given month, chances are you will come upon an article discussing how hard it is for women to say no to demands on their time by other people.

Not only have I never been one of these women, but I don't entirely understand them. Maybe it's because I don't have children or tons of family responsibilities, or maybe it's because a sometimes not so gentle undercurrent of depression runs through my everyday life. Either way, I'm pretty good at saying no.

So, for everyone who has trouble with it, here are some steps you can take to free yourself from the tyranny of yes.

How To Say No

1) Start with yourself. "No" seems so negative, doesn't it? You probably don't say it because you're afraid of hurting people's feelings or seeming selfish. The first key is to stop thinking about "no" in such negative terms. When you say NO to other people, what you're really doing is saying YES to yourself. If you're faced with a business offer or invitation, or asked for money you'd rather not give, think about what you need to do with the time, money, knowledge or whatever else has been asked of you. When you think of saying NO to others as simply saying YES to your own life, it's easier to realize it's not so bad.

2) Work up to it... If you really can't fathom turning down any request, you may need to ease yourself into it. Would you like to come to my Bachelorette finale viewing party? asks the woman at work you hate talking to in regards to a show you happen to also hate. Tell her you need to check your calendar, then when she asks again a few days later, thank her for the invitation and tell her you've got a family event that night. She doesn't need to know that "family event" is code for a long bath, delivered pizza and a Gilmore Girls marathon with your husband.

3) ...But don't coddle yourself. The white lie route will only get you so far. Plus, you can't do that forever. Eventually you're going to have to bust out the dreaded two letter word. Practice with those small, everyday questions if working up to no keeps you stuck in I'll-think-about-it land. Do you want fries with that? NO. Can I talk to you about our new credit protector plan? NO. Are you alright? NO. The sex was good last night, wasn't it? NO. You get the picture...

4) Stay positive. Remember that you're only saying no to say yes to your own needs. As a result, it's often a good idea to couch your response in as much positivity as you can, depending on the situation. Here's how this works. You get the question: We really need a new chair for this event. You've worked with us for a long time, would you like to take over? You think: The reason they need a new chair is because the stress of planning always drives the previous chair insane. I am too busy, important and happy to go crazy right now. You say: Wow, thanks for thinking of me, but, no. I really have too much going on to devote enough time to chairing the event. I'll certainly volunteer again, though! See? Easy!

Now go take that bath, eat that pizza and watch TV. You've earned it!

What do you have trouble saying no to?

Happy Friday: Relax Into It

Well, I've had a pretty productive day. An allergy attack woke me up around 6:30 this morning, and since I was congested enough to not be able to breathe while laying down, I sat at my desk and worked on a story that's been percolating in my brain for the past couple of weeks.

I've also cooked tonight's dinner, done some laundry and cleaned up cat barf, so, yea for getting stuff out of the way!

HUBS and I, as usual, are plan-less for the weekend. But, I hope to do a lot of reading, writing and get out of the house to somewhere interesting. Now, let's look into some internet things!

1) Wanna animate your photos?

2) Get help meeting goals and moving forward in life with the Unstuck app and their remarkably helpful blog.

3) I am newly obsessed with the Giant Pants of the '30s tumblr.

4) What the most successful people do before breakfast can help you plan your day.

5) Triposo is a travel guide for your cell phone/tablet that has over 8000 destinations. Phew!

There! Now go relax, already!

If There Is An Upside...

I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.

Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.

Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.

That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.

It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.

What have your hard times taught you?

I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?

Music Monday: Sticking To My Guns

Well, I did what I said I was going to do. On Saturday morning HUBS and I got out of the house and visited a couple of farmer's markets. I took a ton of photos with my "serious photographer" camera and played with the photo apps on my phone. Photography is something else I enjoy that's been missing from my life just like writing and running around the city. No wonder I was screwy last week.

Why do we torture ourselves by abandoning things we love to do? I think I get it now; when the world feels heavy, I should run to my hobbies instead of leaving them behind in a whirl of madness. The things we enjoy are around to comfort us, not give us trouble or make life difficult (mostly, anyway).

I also met up with the friends I made online a couple of months ago. We went to a brunch buffet and ate our asses off, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I also felt like a bit of a slob later, after waking up from an impromptu nap taken on the couch. What did I do about it? I exercised! Yeah, that's right. The girl who loves nothing more than sitting got off her butt and moved and lifted and sweat for 30 minutes.

I feel very good about this weekend. I also feel good about keeping progress going. Today I cleaned the bathroom, made a call I was afraid to make and applied for a job I believe I'll actually like. Yes. This is nice.

Music!









Is there anything you keep forgetting that you love to do?

Happy Friday: The Consequences Of Cabin Fever

I'm pretty sure that my depressive episode this week was greatly fueled by cabin fever. For almost a full month we've had temperatures at 100 degrees or higher, and since I seem to be getting more and more sensitive to heat as I get older, I've been keeping my ass indoors.

Guess who's tired of it? Right, me! I'm a homebody from way back, so I never thought I'd get sick of sitting at home but OH MY GOD AM I EVER SICK OF SITTING AT HOME. I'm going to have to make a commitment to get out (without running errands the whole time) at least a few mornings a week. I felt so good yesterday just sitting at the library and reading for a while.

I also felt better for writing in the morning. I noticed this when I was working on that short story competition, but because I'm me and stubborn I refused to take note: I like writing in the morning. Or, at least, making notes on my stories and fleshing out details in the morning. I'll have to work that in, too. Preferably every day. It's Do My Opposite time again. When my body says, stay at home and lay around watching TV, I'll have to get my ass up, get out of the house and go write.

Enough about my discoveries! Here's something for you...

1) Entrepreneur might be able to help you fight fears and give good talk.

2) The University of Pennsylvania's Authentic Happiness website is filled with questionnaires to test your happiness level.

3) Apparently, blow jobs are good for women, too. Don't tell the menfolk!

4) Wanna see Brad Pitt's brother Doug in a goofy commercial? Sure you do!

5) I just found O*Net and My Next Move. Both sites are good for job seekers, especially anyone looking to change careers. You can take assessment tests, search for jobs based on what you like to do and look into over 900 careers. I plan to get into these this weekend. Fun times!

That's all for now. Since I skipped Music Monday this week, I'm gonna leave you with some tunes...





Have a magnificent weekend!

On Depression

I left the house today. It's not the first time in weeks or anything. But it is the first time in days that I thought I should leave the house and look nice.

Partly, this is because all my fall-back clothes are dirty. But also, I wanted to look better. I put in my eyebrow gel and swiped on lipgloss. I wore a good bra and covered my tired eyes with giant sunglasses. I pulled on decent clothes that aren't too big for me and stepped into the light.

All I did was spend 40 minutes at the library, but it helped. It helped to be out of the house without errands and lists and a strict budget. It helped to look like I cared about more than chocolate, The Young & the Restless and naps at noon. It helped to feel a breeze on my skin that was under 100 degrees and to be among the world outside that keeps turning in my absence.

I have been having one of those weeks where everything feels heavy. Like life is too much for me. Cooking, bathing, thinking, moving, doing; all felt like too much. Sure, I've gotten some things done, but just the day-to-day basics. Nothing new or different or fun or fascinating. Sometimes, too often, all I can manage is what's easy. Whatever I've done a million times - even if it hurts me.

I had a moment earlier in the week. I was reading an article on happiness that talked about the importance of having a mission. It struck me (as stuff like this so often does, when I'm not expecting a revelation) that I've never really had any long-standing positive missions in life.

For decades my main goal has been "getting through this." Not living or exploring or growing, but making sure I don't succumb to my overwhelming negativity. Not jumping out the sixth floor window of my college residence hall room. Not taking the blades out of my razor and using them for something harder than shaving. Not staying in bed all day and crying.

This article also said that for happiness we need an atmosphere of growth. And when we have a mission we create that atmosphere for ourselves.

No wonder I'm still sad about so much. Still stuck and confused and wandering the Earth with my hands tied behind my back. If your only mission is to not die, that doesn't allow for much growth unless you reside (unfortunately) in a war zone.

So, now what? I feel a bit lighter today; oddly enough, only after writing a lot about depression. And, I've turned off the TV for hours to be alone with my thoughts. How can I flip my mission so that it's not about Not Dying, but Living? Really living. Feeling good or feeling bad in an atmosphere of growth. How?

Happy Friday: Anniversaries & Such

HUBS and I went out for our anniversary this week. I won a gift card to a group of restaurants owned by a prominent foodie local, so we were able to try Sugo's Spaghetteria, which we hadn't been to before.

It was a really nice night. I'm generally pretty obsessed with photographing the food at new restaurants, but I didn't do that this time. I just wanted to live it, if that makes sense.

So, HUBS and I tried a new place, ate really good food and I drank booze and showed some cleavage. Good times, people. Good. Times.

Now, let's look around online and see what we can find, shall we?

1) Cracked has a list of some of the craziest old photos you'll ever see.

2) I'm on a photo kick this week. BuzzFeed has yearbook photos of media stars.

3) Want to see some currently famous people with bad '80s hair?

4) If you enjoy words and art, you'll want to see these obscure words described with cool graphics.

5) Finally, all my sci-fi geeks should check out Electric City, an animated web series from Tom Hanks.

That's all for now. Have great weekend times, my lovelies!

What have you found online lately that made you smile?

Sunday Dinner: Veggie Chowder

Sometimes procrastination and avoidance really work in my favor. I was passing time one night, and found a couple of episodes of The Barefoot Contessa on Hulu. Seeing as how I was taken with her show back in March while stuck in a hospital bed, I started watching. And, wouldn't you know it, I immediately saw something I wanted to make. Her East Hampton Clam Chowder looked divine. There was one problem, though. I detest the idea of clams and clam juice. Obviously, those are two main components of the dish. So, what did I do? I improvised.

Not to brag, but I grew all of these onions and some of the carrots I used. I rock! OK, that sounds like bragging, doesn't it?

Take out the icky clam stuff, add more veggies and you've got my all-new Veggie Chowder. It turned out really good; and I was able to get rid of some veggies that were starting to go south due to my lack of desire to turn on the stove or oven when it's hot outside. Try it, I think you'll like it.

Don't lie. You can tell these are homegrown. Look at that mutant carrot on the left!

Veggie Chowder

2 tablespoons butter
2 cups onion
2 cups mixed sweet peppers
2 cups carrot
4 cups potato
1 1/2 teaspoons thyme or Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cracked pepper
1 quart chicken stock, homemade if possible
1/2 cup flour, whole wheat if possible
1 stick melted butter
1 can of Mexicorn
1/2 cup sour cream
shredded cheese

First off, you melt the two tablespoons of butter in a big pot, add the onion and cook for 10 minutes. Add the carrot, potato, thyme/Italian seasoning, salt and pepper and cook for another 10 minutes.

Add your chicken stock and sweet peppers and let things heat and mingle as you prepare your thickening agent. Melt a stick of butter and whisk in the flour. Add a cup of hot soup to that and stir it until all the flour and butter is incorporated. Put that whole gravy-like glob into the larger pot of veggies and stock, stir it up and get your chowder thick.

Put your corn in with the sour cream, let it heat and add some shredded cheese of your choosing. If you like, the cheese can be added to the bowls when you serve it instead of the larger pot. You could also add in chunks of ham or shredded chicken if you need some meat, but I like it just the way it is. Feel free to serve this lukewarm if the idea of piping hot soup on a 105 degree day drives you batty. Or, just set your A/C on 60.

Dig in!

What have you cooked lately that you loved?

Music Monday: So, I've Started That Again

The following is an open letter to a very specific part of my stubborn psyche.

Dear Mental Blockage,

Alright. You have to stop this. You need to apply for work to get work. Just because you've been rejected sight unseen by Best Buy, several local TV and radio stations, newspapers and libraries, WalMart and Blockbuster doesn't mean that you will never get work again. It only seems that way.

You did good today; applying for your first job in a month and a half. Nordstrom would be lucky to have you. And if they can't see that another company will. Also, if that's the case? Fuck them. Forever and a day.

Notice how relatively good and responsible you feel after the initial anger from job application idiocy subsides? Isn't that a good feeling? Don't you want more of that? OK! Keep applying for work! All we're asking is two job applications a day. That's not much! You can do it and still have time for lots of other things. Like playing with the cats and reading 900 page long fantasy novels.

I'm glad we had this talk, Psyche. I love you when you act like a rational human soul.

Now! Music!

Happy Friday: Good Times

Well, I've been working on some things the past few weeks that have me feeling pretty good. About a month ago I started writing down notes on a story idea I've had percolating for most of this year. I've written the first paragraph; mostly, though, I've made notes on characters and done quite a bit of world-building. Since it's a fantasy/sci-fi idea, I'll need to establish some parameters of the time/place my characters are living in. And you know what? I think I'm doing good so far.

For the past two weeks, though, I've been keeping most of my attention on writing a short story for a Writer's Digest competition. This is the first short story I've written and only the second real writing contest of any kind I've entered. The entry fee is nice and cheap (only five bucks), so I figured I couldn't not enter.

This story is another one that's been in my brain, but this time I've been thinking about it for years. Finally getting these ideas down feel really good. Like maybe I'm having a creative breakthrough and pushing aside my fears a bit.

Well, that's enough about me! Let's show you some awesome internet things!

1) Photojojo has a great tutorial on shooting double exposure pictures, even for those of you using digital.

2) Lifehacker has a plan to help you get to the root of your rampant procrastination.

3) Brain Pickings introduces us to The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. It's a book about how trying so hard to think positive all the time might actually be harming our chances of being happy. My cynical self is very eager to read this one. You will be too, especially after watching the book trailer.

4) If you love movies and want a deep read on movies about African Americans, you have to check out this Indiewire post about "race traitors." There's a lot of interesting stuff in there.

5) OK, I know I said I wasn't going to write more about me today, but I finally have confirmation that I'm not the only one who spends most of every summer heat wave angry! (And when I say "summer heat wave" I actually mean any day above 75 degrees in the summer.)

Now, I hope you've all enjoyed New Music Week because it's coming to a close. Here's some new newness for your Friday afternoon!

Today Is Light Duty

Wow, I am low on inspiration today. I probably needed more sleep and a much stronger caffeinated beverage this morning. But, that doesn't mean I lack for new sounds. New Music Week continues!

I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.

Tuesday Tipday: How To Do Nothing

As someone who is riddled with fears, wild hopes and anxieties, it is frequently important to sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and do nothing. And I'm not talking about turning off the TV so you can start the latest bestseller. God, no. I'm literally talking about doing nothing.

About twice a month I sit in the bathroom with fresh air blowing across my face and stare out the window. (What do you mean, am I using the bathroom? A-Rude question; B-Sometimes, yes; C-What does it matter?) All I care about is having a little time to clear my mind of worries and responsibilities.

That's all that should matter to you, too. Here's how to make it happen.

How To Do Nothing

1) This is not a chore. Don't immediately add Do Nothing to the already long list of crap you have to take care of. Planning for it will make it seem like a duty instead of a sanity-saving measure.

2) Stop where you are. This isn't about marathon length quiet time; the goal is to fit it into your daily activities. I don't make special trips to the bathroom for this, I just linger a bit longer than necessary on occasion. So, if you finish loading the dryer, stop for a minute or two, listen to the hum and do nothing. I promise, it will feel nice.

3) Find what you like. If you're having trouble carving out 60 seconds for this, you're probably trying too hard to "do it right". Think of something you enjoy looking at and use that as your focus for nothingness. Ripples blowing across a lake? Fine. Running horses? Great. Naked people? That'll do the trick. Commit that image to your imagination if it's not naturally occurring around you. Then, use it as a starting point.

4) Meditate if you dare. Years ago when I was living in my first apartment after moving out of my mom's place, I tried in earnest to meditate. I'd lay on special mats and light special candles and listen to special music. Nothing much ever came of it. Then, one night with my windows open and sounds of the street pouring in, I decided to sit in a lawn chair in my living room in the dark and try again.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I had some sort of semi-transcendent moment that scared the shit out of me and made me stay away from meditation for over a decade. My point? Find what works for you. All the prep work I put in clearly stopped me from having a real experience. If you need more than a minute on the toilet, take it.

5) Relax, already. To really clear you mind, don't try to clear your mind. That will only litter your brain with all kinds of useless rumblings that will be even harder to get out. Let your mind wander. The thoughts will come and go, and in between them you'll have little spells of calm blankness. You will finally be doing nothing, and you'll like it.

Now, let's dive into New Music Week!





What's you favorite way to do nothing?

Music Monday: New Music Week!

So, it's Monday again. We got some relief in St. Louis courtesy of a good, old fashioned rainy night yesterday. We hadn't had any major rain for about three weeks, so it had been dry and super hot.

HUBS and I also spent two and a half hours at the most extensive community pool I've ever been to. They had two giant water slides, a large outdoor pool, an indoor water slide, an indoor wave pool, a kiddie pool with bubbles and hot tub. HUBS has been talking about going to this particular pool for at least two years and I've never wanted to go.

Why, you ask? Because I hate being in public with no pants on. Because I can't swim. Because I dislike seeing bodies that are better or worse than mine. Because I dislike getting my hair wet or my eyeglasses wet. Because I don't like getting splashed in the face...I could go on, but won't. Despite my distaste for getting any part of my body wet while not bathing, I am a huge wet blanket at the pool (The beach is another story. I like beaches as long as I have some shade.)

But I went. For HUBS. And after about an hour I got a locker key, put my bag away, watched HUBS on the water slides and waded into the wave pool. After getting a 20 minute pounding, we went off the the hot tub and relaxed with the water jets. I don't need to go through this every weekend, but I'd be willing to go again at some point.

Now, we all know Monday is for music here on citygirl, but I've decided to do something different this week. Along with my usual Monday post, I'm also going to feature two new (to me, anyway) songs each day through Friday. Yay, right? Discovering new bands/artists is one of the things I love most in this world, and I especially love turning other people on to good music.

So, let's get started!





To tell me what new music you're loving lately, leave a comment below and maybe some of your favorites will show up on New Music Week!

Happy Friday: Settling Into Summer

Heat wave and warm-weather storms aside, now that July 4 has come and gone you cannot deny that we are in the ferocious days of summer. Does anyone else feel like the outrageous temps are keeping them from enjoying things?

I know I do. HUBS and I have barely been able to move this week. St. Louisans are dealing with our second straight week of 100 degree or more (usually more) temperatures. While am I so, so grateful to have a home and working A/C, our house is still hot. Our air runs non-stop from about 9 a.m. to midnight, but we've been seeing 85 degrees inside the house daily.

The ceiling is hot (I don't believe we have adequate insulation up there at all.); trying to nap mid-day is a mostly lost cause because our bedroom is a hot box and the bed is hot when you get into it. This needs to end...SOON. When I think of all the people and animals who live outside. I simply cannot imagine how they make it through the long, sweltering days.

We have managed to do a few things other than sit at home and watch TV, though.

1) I met up with my buddies from Girlfriend Circles again on Saturday for tea. It's nice to have a reason to dress up and people to talk to. I like them, and we have a good amount of stuff in common, but I'm kinda anxious to get to the part where we're really friends instead of committed acquaintances.

2) On Tuesday HUBS and I had what would turn out to be our July 4 celebration. We drove over to Swansea, IL to eat at Big Mama's Barbeque. Then went on to Belleville, IL for dessert at The White Cottage. Expect reviews next week of the awesome foodstuffs we consumed!

3) Since we were already in town, we saw a double feature at what is the last drive-in theater in the area, The Skyview. We saw Spider-Man and Men in Black 3. I thought it had cooled off enough to sit with the windows down, but HUBS disagreed and we ended up running the air for most of each film. The movies themselves were meh and OK, but it was nice to do something different and get home past midnight for once!

That's it! On the 4th we stayed at home; I watered the garden right before it got dark and we watched various fireworks displays on TV from the darkness of our finally cooling off living room. I hope you all had fun and stayed cool this week, and that you've got more fun, cool-staying in store for the weekend. Now, here are some nice internet discoveries from this week.

1) Lifehacker has cool tips and tricks for all you cat people out there.

2) Fantasy/Sci-Fi readers or those interested in the genres should take a look at this list of The Greatest Female Sci-Fi/Fantasy Authors of All Time.

3) If you're feeling as though you look less than polished due to the heat, well maybe this will make you feel better. Some of these ladies are doing fine. Some of them, really are not.

4) Last, but not least, if you need a summer music playlist try this or this.

That's all folks!

How will you have fun and stay cool this weekend?