Happy Friday: Sorta Kinda

People? I am not having a good week. I'm sick, sleep deprived, achy, irritable and tired of things that should be simple turning drastically more difficult (and more expensive). So, in order to DO MY OPPOSITE, let's not go into too many details, OK? Here's what went right this week...

1) I finally had work done on my car so I could get my tags renewed.
2) When my horn shorted out and wouldn't stop honking, a nice apartment manager named Jessie helped me and even called her maintenance men in from lunch to look at my car.
3) I have not died from whatever cold/allergy/demon sinus infection I've gotten.
4) I started reading The Depression Cure and think I can integrate the changes into my life.
5) I wrote a cool blog post while trapped at the mechanics yesterday, it'll post next week.
6) Also while getting my car fixed? I solved my glitchy phone issues. At least for now.
7) We're getting a steady stream of sensible rain today, plus it's not hellishly hot. I really appreciate that!

Now! Internet awesome!

1) Maybe The Pomodoro Technique can help us "eliminate the anxiety of time."

2) The Scale of the Universe 2 is a website created by two 14 year old twins. And if you want to see how big you are in relation to the St. Louis Arch, a shrew, a twip and a lot of other stuff massive or massively tiny, you'll love it. I was trapped on here for half an hour Wednesday. But! It's OK! You learn things!

3) The wonderful weirdness that is Retronaut has skeletons of our favorite cartoon characters.

4) It's possible I'm behind the curve on this one, but I just found 12 Most. The site has great lists that'll help you learn stuff in business, media and lifestyle categories.

5) Finally, if you've started storing files in the cloud, Techlicious has a safer way to do it.

That's all for me, lovelies. I'm going to go get the tags for my car and try to exercise some before collapsing into a wickedly tired heap. Have a great weekend!

What's gone right for you this week?

Music Monday: Changing Things

This weekend was pretty low key, but I did do something essential on Saturday: I went to see a new therapist.

Six free sessions were made possible by HUBS' insurance company and their employee assistance program. I also made an appointment for free financial counseling that'll take place over the phone Wednesday. I'm not sure the money man will be able to tell me anything I don't already know, but it's worth a shot.

The therapist had some good starting suggestions, and until my next appointment my homework is to look into the things she suggested. And, that includes a visit to a homeopathic store to see if any natural stuff can alleviate my depression symptoms.

So, it's all worth a try, right?

Now, some new music for you!

Happy Friday! Trying To Live My Own Lessons

Mom before me, in January of '72.

Boy, did I ever get smacked in the face with my own theories this week. My mom, who I've been worried about since she got laid off right after my uncle died in spring 2009, finally got a job on Wednesday. She starts work tonight.

And? I'm jealous.

I know! I just talked about this on Tuesday. PT did not get my job. Her getting a job does not mean that there is one less job for me. I have some good stuff going on. I woke up at 4:44 this morning because I couldn't breathe (that's not the good thing; anyway, I think I have a sinus infection) and ended up applying for two jobs online and filling out two applications that had been sitting around for a week.

So, I need to let you know that PT getting herself a job really does make me happy and less worried. But I happen to also be completely envious. She's applied for exactly two jobs in her three years of unemployment and she nailed the second one. I've put my name in the race for, what must be, a couple of hundred jobs and aside from two short temp gigs...Nothing.

PT will be leaving for work soon, I have to call and wish her luck, so here are some internet wanderings for your enjoyment this weekend.

1)If you're interested in continuing your education, Mashable has a list of ways to do it online.

2) Brain Pickings has had some interesting articles on sleep and why it's good for every aspect of our lives.

3) Margaret Atwood has 10 honest rules for writing fiction. This list is great for all the writers out there (in here).

4) Lifehacker has the scoop on a web app that'll let you license your Instagram pics.

5) And for a little comedy, Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is not impressed and Expendables 2 stars before they were famous.

Enjoy the weekend, lovelies!

Will I Ever Be OK With This?

My left hip is bothering me. It doesn't hurt or anything. It's just really fucking fat.

It's true. My left hip is fatter than my right hip. I know most of us live in bodies without complete symmetry, and I've dealt with this in other ways, but I still find this utterly annoying.

For some reason, this hip thing bugs me more than having one foot (I can never remember which) bigger than the other and a right boob that's heavier than the left. And I don't know why. It's almost like it's a symbol; a sign of something bigger and nastier in my brain.

This discontent isn't just about me losing 20 pounds, gaining back five and having it all, apparently, go to my left hip. No, I don't think so. It's about how I let myself go and kept myself there; way on the other side of the weight I want to be. How I started to back away, slipped and have stayed, cowering, on a rocky cliff. I'm hanging on for dear life to something I don't want. Again.

I've never been crazy about my body. That's not true. I probably didn't think much about it when I was five or six. But, that was before. Before I noticed that girls were supposed to be thin so they could be pretty. Pretty so they could liked. Liked so they could be popular and happy and successful. You know, before.

Before I saw Tamara in the second grade and how all the boys looked at her and talked about her all the time. And before I saw how the other girls asked about her hair and clothes and talked about her all the time. No one talked about me. I was chubby and kinda tall for my age, so if anyone talked about me it was because they wanted help with their math homework.

I don't blame Tamara for any of this. She was just being her thin, popular, really pretty self. The issues weren't immediate, anyway. There was just a realization that stayed with me. A realization that was there two years later when I got glasses, and two years after that when I started to get acne and...

BOOM! There's the problem.

I started exercising, but it wasn't like before, This wasn't roller skating in the park, swimming at the community pool or playing racquetball. Those were for fun. This exercise was work. I exercised to lose weight. I wanted to lose weight so people would pay attention and finally, fuck finally, like me.

They call it "working out" for a reason; if you don't like it, it's torture. And since it felt like torture, it didn't help. I didn't lose weight, I got bigger. I spent high school trying to be alright with being big, shy, acne-ridden and four-eyed. I wore long tops and stretch pants. I rocked short skirts with tights to try hiding my fat knees. Meanwhile I had to order a men's letter jacket and have my marching band uniform specially fit for me, all while yelling at my gym teacher, I'm just not athletic!

College was different. I lost weight; I wasn't thin, but after losing 60 pounds, I was finally not fat. I worked out every day. Sometimes twice a day or at 3 a.m. so I could always fit it in. I also cut way back on what I ate; and binged around the corners of my restrictive diet and crazy workout schedule. I never got any more popular, but I kept that weight off for years. Then, suddenly it seems, I was 35 and heavier than I'd ever been. And now I'm 37, a little bit lighter again, but with one super-fat hip.

One super-fat hip that shows me what a failure I've been my whole life every time my arm accidentally brushes against it. My left hip? That's my inadequacy in what feels like every area of life.

What I wonder now is if I will ever be OK. Not just with my supremely imperfect body, but with my imperfect life. Will I ever reach that pinnacle of human awareness where I can fully enjoy where I am while striving for something better?

Or will I always want more so bad that it hurts too hard to even try actually working for more?

Will something more or better always seem like it's for someone else and not me?

I don't know anything right now. Since I'm rounding the corner to 40, I'm not sure if that's freeing or terrifying.

Have any of you reached a point where you're fine with your imperfect bodies? How did you get there?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

When I'm having a hard time, it's difficult for me to watch strangers be happy. I'm not proud of that, but there it is. I don't want other people to be miserable, but if I'm down I don't want to be a witness to their good fortune, either.

And, really? I don't think I'm alone in this. We all get jealous from time to time. Sometimes, when you're struggling with what you don't have, it's impossible to see anything else but what others do have. And it always seems like so much more than what you've got. There are a few things you can do to keep from losing your mind whenever you see someone with more (success, free time, money, fame, talent, joy, luck, classic cars...)of what you want.

How To Face Abundance That Isn't Yours

1) Focus: What's leading to the feelings of inadequacy? Facebook? Twitter? Monthly meetups with high school classmates? Give it a rest for a bit and concentrate on your life and whatever is working. Even if it's tiny. You finally finished that book of crossword puzzles! Your cat's gotten over her cold! The old man who stares at you while licking his lips wasn't on the bus today! Technically, I suppose this is what's commonly referred to as "gratitude", but I've decided I don't like that word. It sounds too lofty; like whatever you chose to spotlight had better be a major life-changer. Big stuff is fine, but since most of us only get little victories on a regular basis, those are the ones to focus on.

2) They don't have your stuff: For some reason this one's especially hard to remember. Here's the truth: just because you want to become a well-known and widely respected singer/songwriter doesn't mean that Taylor Swift got your mojo. Neither did John Mayer or Kanye West or anyone else who's doing what you want to be doing at a high level. While it's true that some people have more opportunities than others, everybody has their own juice. No one else has your money or your fame or your talent. They've made the most of what they were given and you have to do the same.

3) We never see the whole story: Another thing I'm not proud of is one of my jealousy coping mechanisms. Whenever I see someone my age or younger in a fabulous car, say a Bentley convertible, I invent bad stuff for their life. He lives in his car. His toddler son is a terror. He stole all the money he used to buy the car and will soon be caught and imprisoned...You get the picture. My point, though somewhat mean, is surprisingly valid. When you look at someone's Facebook page, do you know what they're sharing?

THE GOOD STUFF. ONLY THE GOOD STUFF!

No one is telling you about the toe they broke finishing that 25 mile marathon. They don't mention all the food they wasted trying to create the dish that won $10,000 in a recipe contest. Everyone's life is difficult in some way; they just don't make a habit of splashing those tribulations all over the internet. Remember that next time you're filled with envy.

Music Monday: Just Me?

Is it my imagination, or is time passing by faster? I woke up today with a firm plan to accomplish amazing things, was quickly derailed by a mental paralysis unique to those of us dealing with strained financial issues, and saw my day fly by completely without my noticing. Now I'm in a rush to get anything at all done before nightfall catches me by surprise.

Oh, well. We all have our crosses...

Tuesday Tipday: How To Make Housework Less Horrible

...

I don't know about you, but I find housework to be a necessary evil. Of course there's a momentary sense of accomplishment when I finally complete some chore or other. But, I'm always irritated by the fact that within a week all that hard work will need to be done again. Here are some tips to make the process less painful.

How To Make Housework Less Horrible

1) Make it enjoyable: Unless you find sweeping, dusting and baseboard cleaning relaxing, I know this might seem impossible. But! We have music for a reason, you know. Blast the most distracting, fun, dance-your-ass-off tunes, get in the mood to move and cleaning will go by faster than you know.

2) Make it necessary: Remember when you were a kid and your mom made you make your bed everyday before school to teach you about responsibility...or something? Stop that. If housework gives you fits, stop doing the things you don't have to do, or at least stop doing them so often. Don't move all your furniture to vacuum on a weekly basis; maybe do it once every two months. Ease up on yourself for God's sake!

3) Make it even(er): If your spouse and/or kids and/or long-term house guests aren't pulling their cleaning weight, it's time for that crap to end. Sit them down and tell them that you will no longer do everything. Make assignments that require them to take care of their duties on a regular rotation that you can both agree on. Then, let it go. Try to forget how you would do it as long as it gets done; otherwise you'll stress yourself out and might as well still be handling it yourself.

4) Make it slow: I know. It's hard to keep up with the little stuff with everything else going on. But, I also know what's it's like to let all the dusting, baseboard cleaning, window washing, laundry and furniture cat-hair de-fluffing go until it all needs doing at once. Pick a day, pick a thing, do that and only that and get on with your life. Then next week (day, month...year) do it again.

*What household chores do you hate?

*I cannot stand to vacuum. I feel like I'm dying when I do it, which is how HUBS ended up on vacuum duty as of two years ago.

Happy Friday: Better Times

It's entirely possible that the weather will actually be nice this weekend. I didn't even need the A/C on today until after 2 pm! I am very happy about this, people! HUBS has been very stressed getting ready for the school year to start next week (he's been working 10 or more hours a day for two weeks), and we both need to get out a bit.

I've had a very productive day. I applied for three jobs, evaluated my freelance rates and exercised. I like days like this, when I get real stuff done all day long.

Well, I hope you've got something nice planned this weekend. But, if not, here's some things to help keep you happy indoors.

1) Make this weekend body positive.

2) In time for the tail end of Olympic fever, I bring you the Olympic Scrunchies tumblr and this Smart Money article on the true cost of getting to the games.

3) Ever wondered what cats get up to when we let them outside? Check out the Kitty Cams Project.

4) Boredom might be good for your creativity. Who knew?

5) Wild author and advice columnist Cheryl Strayed talks about writing, reading and learning.

I Entered A Contest

If you head over to the Cottonelle Facebook page and click on Name It in their timeline, you can enter to win some cool prizes. Just like I did!

TV You Should Be Watching

Isn't television a frequently wonderful thing? I've always been a TV lover, and since HUBS and I are currently people of modest means, most of our nights are spent in front of a weekly television series discussing the vagaries of human motivation. Or, sometimes just laughing our asses off. But, you know, either way it's fun!

We've come upon some shows recently that I would be remiss not to discuss with you. They are all funny and thought provoking, and I think you'll like them.

1) Veep

...

I like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, so I had decent hopes for Veep. Who knew it would turn out to be one of the more surprising new shows in years? As you can likely guess by the title, she plays a US Vice President. And she just happens to be dealing with a distant daughter, scheming lawmakers, a president who doesn't much respect her, a pregnancy scare and her own struggles to push her political agenda while under intense media scrutiny. I know, it sounds hilarious! Actually, that's one of the things we loved about the show; it manages to be truly funny while still dealing with insider political stuff very realistically. The first season has finished showing, but you can watch it on HBO GO. Favorite Line: "I am going to throw up a leg."



2) Girls

...

I freely admit that Girls is one of those shows where I initially thought Great, just what we need. Another young-pretty-white-people-in-New York show. How could we ever get enough of those! But, I kept hearing about it and when we decided to give it a try we sort of hated most of the main characters...and found them fascinating. Creator/writer/producer/star Lena Dunham has given us the most confused, self-absorbed group of fuck-ups who still manage to be watchable that I've ever seen. They are brutally aware of their friends' foibles while being blind to their own. They also constantly get themselves into funny bits of odd trouble that you simply can't look away from. In short? They're young, stupid and human. I enjoy Girls a LOT more than my young-pretty-white-people-in-New York barometer should allow me to, which is a huge testament to the joys that lie herein. This is also over for the year; watch on HBO GO. Or, wait until the first season DVD comes out. Favorite Line: "I know all the dick moves, OK? Don't be a dick."



3) Episodes

...

Episodes is, by far, one of the funniest shows that's come along in recent years. If you haven't heard already, Matt LeBlanc (yeah, Joey from Friends) stars as an uber-douchey version of himself in this show about the making of a sitcom. We get a view of the unbelievably hard work that goes into making even the most mediocre of TV shows, all while providing steady laughs when the characters inevitably blow up their own lives. This one's still playing on Showtime for a few weeks, but there's a whole first season available on DVD for you to catch up on. Favorite Line: "Well, I guess things did get kinda blowy and sucky."



What shows do you look forward to every week?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Say No

...These women were unable to say no. You don't want to end up like them, in a bundle on the floor with your ass showing, do you?

If you look at a women's magazine in any given month, chances are you will come upon an article discussing how hard it is for women to say no to demands on their time by other people.

Not only have I never been one of these women, but I don't entirely understand them. Maybe it's because I don't have children or tons of family responsibilities, or maybe it's because a sometimes not so gentle undercurrent of depression runs through my everyday life. Either way, I'm pretty good at saying no.

So, for everyone who has trouble with it, here are some steps you can take to free yourself from the tyranny of yes.

How To Say No

1) Start with yourself. "No" seems so negative, doesn't it? You probably don't say it because you're afraid of hurting people's feelings or seeming selfish. The first key is to stop thinking about "no" in such negative terms. When you say NO to other people, what you're really doing is saying YES to yourself. If you're faced with a business offer or invitation, or asked for money you'd rather not give, think about what you need to do with the time, money, knowledge or whatever else has been asked of you. When you think of saying NO to others as simply saying YES to your own life, it's easier to realize it's not so bad.

2) Work up to it... If you really can't fathom turning down any request, you may need to ease yourself into it. Would you like to come to my Bachelorette finale viewing party? asks the woman at work you hate talking to in regards to a show you happen to also hate. Tell her you need to check your calendar, then when she asks again a few days later, thank her for the invitation and tell her you've got a family event that night. She doesn't need to know that "family event" is code for a long bath, delivered pizza and a Gilmore Girls marathon with your husband.

3) ...But don't coddle yourself. The white lie route will only get you so far. Plus, you can't do that forever. Eventually you're going to have to bust out the dreaded two letter word. Practice with those small, everyday questions if working up to no keeps you stuck in I'll-think-about-it land. Do you want fries with that? NO. Can I talk to you about our new credit protector plan? NO. Are you alright? NO. The sex was good last night, wasn't it? NO. You get the picture...

4) Stay positive. Remember that you're only saying no to say yes to your own needs. As a result, it's often a good idea to couch your response in as much positivity as you can, depending on the situation. Here's how this works. You get the question: We really need a new chair for this event. You've worked with us for a long time, would you like to take over? You think: The reason they need a new chair is because the stress of planning always drives the previous chair insane. I am too busy, important and happy to go crazy right now. You say: Wow, thanks for thinking of me, but, no. I really have too much going on to devote enough time to chairing the event. I'll certainly volunteer again, though! See? Easy!

Now go take that bath, eat that pizza and watch TV. You've earned it!

What do you have trouble saying no to?

Happy Friday: Relax Into It

Well, I've had a pretty productive day. An allergy attack woke me up around 6:30 this morning, and since I was congested enough to not be able to breathe while laying down, I sat at my desk and worked on a story that's been percolating in my brain for the past couple of weeks.

I've also cooked tonight's dinner, done some laundry and cleaned up cat barf, so, yea for getting stuff out of the way!

HUBS and I, as usual, are plan-less for the weekend. But, I hope to do a lot of reading, writing and get out of the house to somewhere interesting. Now, let's look into some internet things!

1) Wanna animate your photos?

2) Get help meeting goals and moving forward in life with the Unstuck app and their remarkably helpful blog.

3) I am newly obsessed with the Giant Pants of the '30s tumblr.

4) What the most successful people do before breakfast can help you plan your day.

5) Triposo is a travel guide for your cell phone/tablet that has over 8000 destinations. Phew!

There! Now go relax, already!

If There Is An Upside...

I've been thinking about depression. Not because I'm in the throws of a "mood" right now, but because I want to figure it out a bit more. To see if I can change my thought process about it; maybe even see if there's an upside.

Two nights ago (while in a frenzy of aerobic activity, as I watched the best athletes in the world push their physical limits) I accidentally punched myself in the face. After feeling momentarily embarrassed for something no one saw me do, the shock of the hit settled in and I had an epiphany. That punch in the face? That's depression.

Not just because falling into a deep, deep funk feels like as much of a jolt as getting punched, even though that's often true. But, because it's a sign. Like getting punched is a sign that you did or said something wrong, depression is a sign that we need to do something different, better, slower, harder...Or just do something at all. Anything to shake up our (frequently) self-imposed status quo.

That's what my depression has been all this time. The beast on my heart and monster in my mind has just been my subconscious' way of trying to make me DO. Anything. I've spent so much time sad. Afraid of it, worrying about it, trying to ignore it and praying to keep it at bay. Instead, I should have been listening to it. It never occurred to me that it was attempting to teach me.

It's been decades. Finally, I think, I'm starting to learn to listen.

What have your hard times taught you?

I'm still a little embarrassed about it. And now I've told you. So you can feel a bit less embarrassed about that time you accidentally hit yourself in the face. The kinship of mistakes feels good, no?

Music Monday: Sticking To My Guns

Well, I did what I said I was going to do. On Saturday morning HUBS and I got out of the house and visited a couple of farmer's markets. I took a ton of photos with my "serious photographer" camera and played with the photo apps on my phone. Photography is something else I enjoy that's been missing from my life just like writing and running around the city. No wonder I was screwy last week.

Why do we torture ourselves by abandoning things we love to do? I think I get it now; when the world feels heavy, I should run to my hobbies instead of leaving them behind in a whirl of madness. The things we enjoy are around to comfort us, not give us trouble or make life difficult (mostly, anyway).

I also met up with the friends I made online a couple of months ago. We went to a brunch buffet and ate our asses off, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I also felt like a bit of a slob later, after waking up from an impromptu nap taken on the couch. What did I do about it? I exercised! Yeah, that's right. The girl who loves nothing more than sitting got off her butt and moved and lifted and sweat for 30 minutes.

I feel very good about this weekend. I also feel good about keeping progress going. Today I cleaned the bathroom, made a call I was afraid to make and applied for a job I believe I'll actually like. Yes. This is nice.

Music!









Is there anything you keep forgetting that you love to do?

Happy Friday: The Consequences Of Cabin Fever

I'm pretty sure that my depressive episode this week was greatly fueled by cabin fever. For almost a full month we've had temperatures at 100 degrees or higher, and since I seem to be getting more and more sensitive to heat as I get older, I've been keeping my ass indoors.

Guess who's tired of it? Right, me! I'm a homebody from way back, so I never thought I'd get sick of sitting at home but OH MY GOD AM I EVER SICK OF SITTING AT HOME. I'm going to have to make a commitment to get out (without running errands the whole time) at least a few mornings a week. I felt so good yesterday just sitting at the library and reading for a while.

I also felt better for writing in the morning. I noticed this when I was working on that short story competition, but because I'm me and stubborn I refused to take note: I like writing in the morning. Or, at least, making notes on my stories and fleshing out details in the morning. I'll have to work that in, too. Preferably every day. It's Do My Opposite time again. When my body says, stay at home and lay around watching TV, I'll have to get my ass up, get out of the house and go write.

Enough about my discoveries! Here's something for you...

1) Entrepreneur might be able to help you fight fears and give good talk.

2) The University of Pennsylvania's Authentic Happiness website is filled with questionnaires to test your happiness level.

3) Apparently, blow jobs are good for women, too. Don't tell the menfolk!

4) Wanna see Brad Pitt's brother Doug in a goofy commercial? Sure you do!

5) I just found O*Net and My Next Move. Both sites are good for job seekers, especially anyone looking to change careers. You can take assessment tests, search for jobs based on what you like to do and look into over 900 careers. I plan to get into these this weekend. Fun times!

That's all for now. Since I skipped Music Monday this week, I'm gonna leave you with some tunes...





Have a magnificent weekend!

On Depression

I left the house today. It's not the first time in weeks or anything. But it is the first time in days that I thought I should leave the house and look nice.

Partly, this is because all my fall-back clothes are dirty. But also, I wanted to look better. I put in my eyebrow gel and swiped on lipgloss. I wore a good bra and covered my tired eyes with giant sunglasses. I pulled on decent clothes that aren't too big for me and stepped into the light.

All I did was spend 40 minutes at the library, but it helped. It helped to be out of the house without errands and lists and a strict budget. It helped to look like I cared about more than chocolate, The Young & the Restless and naps at noon. It helped to feel a breeze on my skin that was under 100 degrees and to be among the world outside that keeps turning in my absence.

I have been having one of those weeks where everything feels heavy. Like life is too much for me. Cooking, bathing, thinking, moving, doing; all felt like too much. Sure, I've gotten some things done, but just the day-to-day basics. Nothing new or different or fun or fascinating. Sometimes, too often, all I can manage is what's easy. Whatever I've done a million times - even if it hurts me.

I had a moment earlier in the week. I was reading an article on happiness that talked about the importance of having a mission. It struck me (as stuff like this so often does, when I'm not expecting a revelation) that I've never really had any long-standing positive missions in life.

For decades my main goal has been "getting through this." Not living or exploring or growing, but making sure I don't succumb to my overwhelming negativity. Not jumping out the sixth floor window of my college residence hall room. Not taking the blades out of my razor and using them for something harder than shaving. Not staying in bed all day and crying.

This article also said that for happiness we need an atmosphere of growth. And when we have a mission we create that atmosphere for ourselves.

No wonder I'm still sad about so much. Still stuck and confused and wandering the Earth with my hands tied behind my back. If your only mission is to not die, that doesn't allow for much growth unless you reside (unfortunately) in a war zone.

So, now what? I feel a bit lighter today; oddly enough, only after writing a lot about depression. And, I've turned off the TV for hours to be alone with my thoughts. How can I flip my mission so that it's not about Not Dying, but Living? Really living. Feeling good or feeling bad in an atmosphere of growth. How?

Happy Friday: Anniversaries & Such

HUBS and I went out for our anniversary this week. I won a gift card to a group of restaurants owned by a prominent foodie local, so we were able to try Sugo's Spaghetteria, which we hadn't been to before.

It was a really nice night. I'm generally pretty obsessed with photographing the food at new restaurants, but I didn't do that this time. I just wanted to live it, if that makes sense.

So, HUBS and I tried a new place, ate really good food and I drank booze and showed some cleavage. Good times, people. Good. Times.

Now, let's look around online and see what we can find, shall we?

1) Cracked has a list of some of the craziest old photos you'll ever see.

2) I'm on a photo kick this week. BuzzFeed has yearbook photos of media stars.

3) Want to see some currently famous people with bad '80s hair?

4) If you enjoy words and art, you'll want to see these obscure words described with cool graphics.

5) Finally, all my sci-fi geeks should check out Electric City, an animated web series from Tom Hanks.

That's all for now. Have great weekend times, my lovelies!

What have you found online lately that made you smile?

Sunday Dinner: Veggie Chowder

Sometimes procrastination and avoidance really work in my favor. I was passing time one night, and found a couple of episodes of The Barefoot Contessa on Hulu. Seeing as how I was taken with her show back in March while stuck in a hospital bed, I started watching. And, wouldn't you know it, I immediately saw something I wanted to make. Her East Hampton Clam Chowder looked divine. There was one problem, though. I detest the idea of clams and clam juice. Obviously, those are two main components of the dish. So, what did I do? I improvised.

Not to brag, but I grew all of these onions and some of the carrots I used. I rock! OK, that sounds like bragging, doesn't it?

Take out the icky clam stuff, add more veggies and you've got my all-new Veggie Chowder. It turned out really good; and I was able to get rid of some veggies that were starting to go south due to my lack of desire to turn on the stove or oven when it's hot outside. Try it, I think you'll like it.

Don't lie. You can tell these are homegrown. Look at that mutant carrot on the left!

Veggie Chowder

2 tablespoons butter
2 cups onion
2 cups mixed sweet peppers
2 cups carrot
4 cups potato
1 1/2 teaspoons thyme or Italian seasoning
1 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons cracked pepper
1 quart chicken stock, homemade if possible
1/2 cup flour, whole wheat if possible
1 stick melted butter
1 can of Mexicorn
1/2 cup sour cream
shredded cheese

First off, you melt the two tablespoons of butter in a big pot, add the onion and cook for 10 minutes. Add the carrot, potato, thyme/Italian seasoning, salt and pepper and cook for another 10 minutes.

Add your chicken stock and sweet peppers and let things heat and mingle as you prepare your thickening agent. Melt a stick of butter and whisk in the flour. Add a cup of hot soup to that and stir it until all the flour and butter is incorporated. Put that whole gravy-like glob into the larger pot of veggies and stock, stir it up and get your chowder thick.

Put your corn in with the sour cream, let it heat and add some shredded cheese of your choosing. If you like, the cheese can be added to the bowls when you serve it instead of the larger pot. You could also add in chunks of ham or shredded chicken if you need some meat, but I like it just the way it is. Feel free to serve this lukewarm if the idea of piping hot soup on a 105 degree day drives you batty. Or, just set your A/C on 60.

Dig in!

What have you cooked lately that you loved?

Music Monday: So, I've Started That Again

The following is an open letter to a very specific part of my stubborn psyche.

Dear Mental Blockage,

Alright. You have to stop this. You need to apply for work to get work. Just because you've been rejected sight unseen by Best Buy, several local TV and radio stations, newspapers and libraries, WalMart and Blockbuster doesn't mean that you will never get work again. It only seems that way.

You did good today; applying for your first job in a month and a half. Nordstrom would be lucky to have you. And if they can't see that another company will. Also, if that's the case? Fuck them. Forever and a day.

Notice how relatively good and responsible you feel after the initial anger from job application idiocy subsides? Isn't that a good feeling? Don't you want more of that? OK! Keep applying for work! All we're asking is two job applications a day. That's not much! You can do it and still have time for lots of other things. Like playing with the cats and reading 900 page long fantasy novels.

I'm glad we had this talk, Psyche. I love you when you act like a rational human soul.

Now! Music!

Happy Friday: Good Times

Well, I've been working on some things the past few weeks that have me feeling pretty good. About a month ago I started writing down notes on a story idea I've had percolating for most of this year. I've written the first paragraph; mostly, though, I've made notes on characters and done quite a bit of world-building. Since it's a fantasy/sci-fi idea, I'll need to establish some parameters of the time/place my characters are living in. And you know what? I think I'm doing good so far.

For the past two weeks, though, I've been keeping most of my attention on writing a short story for a Writer's Digest competition. This is the first short story I've written and only the second real writing contest of any kind I've entered. The entry fee is nice and cheap (only five bucks), so I figured I couldn't not enter.

This story is another one that's been in my brain, but this time I've been thinking about it for years. Finally getting these ideas down feel really good. Like maybe I'm having a creative breakthrough and pushing aside my fears a bit.

Well, that's enough about me! Let's show you some awesome internet things!

1) Photojojo has a great tutorial on shooting double exposure pictures, even for those of you using digital.

2) Lifehacker has a plan to help you get to the root of your rampant procrastination.

3) Brain Pickings introduces us to The Antidote by Oliver Burkeman. It's a book about how trying so hard to think positive all the time might actually be harming our chances of being happy. My cynical self is very eager to read this one. You will be too, especially after watching the book trailer.

4) If you love movies and want a deep read on movies about African Americans, you have to check out this Indiewire post about "race traitors." There's a lot of interesting stuff in there.

5) OK, I know I said I wasn't going to write more about me today, but I finally have confirmation that I'm not the only one who spends most of every summer heat wave angry! (And when I say "summer heat wave" I actually mean any day above 75 degrees in the summer.)

Now, I hope you've all enjoyed New Music Week because it's coming to a close. Here's some new newness for your Friday afternoon!

Today Is Light Duty

Wow, I am low on inspiration today. I probably needed more sleep and a much stronger caffeinated beverage this morning. But, that doesn't mean I lack for new sounds. New Music Week continues!

I Have Done This Work Thing All Wrong

Annie Jump Cannon

I had a bad dream that scared me awake yesterday morning. I was still working at my old job, the one I spent almost 10 years at doing things I didn't care about at all. One day, the Big Boss' daughter comes in with him. She's a little girl of around nine or so. He introduces me and she seems nice, then they head back to his office with her bounding down the hall all the way.

The next part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but as I remember it, I start a vacation the next day and am gone for about a week. Normal vacation time. When I get back in to work everyone's asking me about my time off and I see a new face. We're introduced and when she walks away I ask someone about her. What do they say? Oh, her? She's Big Boss' daughter, remember? She works here now.

The woman is clearly mid-twenties. Meaning, 15 years have passed with me doing the same job I hate and I hadn't even noticed.

I cannot fully describe the cold dread that woke me up Tuesday morning. I was sick to my stomach, sweaty and something else...Suddenly aware, maybe? After my initial shock I didn't think about the dream any more. Until this morning when I had a work-related flash of insight:

When I left my job four years and six months ago, I wasn't stepping out on faith. I was being stupid.

There's a saying about faith without works being dead. I hadn't done any of the work to be able to leave my job and have things turn out alright. But it didn't occur to me at the time. When they made me the offer, all I could think about was being free. Of course, I likely would have been fired had I not taken the deal, but I didn't think about that either. The idea of being happy with some job somewhere was all I could see.

And yet, now that I know this, and truly feel in my bones that I made a huge mistake, there's nothing I can do about it. Now, I feel more fear about the future than I do on an average day. I feel dumber, even less prepared to live and thrive in the real world. More useless. Less able to cope with my failings.

And I don't (really, really don't) know what to do about it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ahh, fuck. I need some music to pep me up.

Tuesday Tipday: How To Do Nothing

As someone who is riddled with fears, wild hopes and anxieties, it is frequently important to sit the fuck down, shut the fuck up and do nothing. And I'm not talking about turning off the TV so you can start the latest bestseller. God, no. I'm literally talking about doing nothing.

About twice a month I sit in the bathroom with fresh air blowing across my face and stare out the window. (What do you mean, am I using the bathroom? A-Rude question; B-Sometimes, yes; C-What does it matter?) All I care about is having a little time to clear my mind of worries and responsibilities.

That's all that should matter to you, too. Here's how to make it happen.

How To Do Nothing

1) This is not a chore. Don't immediately add Do Nothing to the already long list of crap you have to take care of. Planning for it will make it seem like a duty instead of a sanity-saving measure.

2) Stop where you are. This isn't about marathon length quiet time; the goal is to fit it into your daily activities. I don't make special trips to the bathroom for this, I just linger a bit longer than necessary on occasion. So, if you finish loading the dryer, stop for a minute or two, listen to the hum and do nothing. I promise, it will feel nice.

3) Find what you like. If you're having trouble carving out 60 seconds for this, you're probably trying too hard to "do it right". Think of something you enjoy looking at and use that as your focus for nothingness. Ripples blowing across a lake? Fine. Running horses? Great. Naked people? That'll do the trick. Commit that image to your imagination if it's not naturally occurring around you. Then, use it as a starting point.

4) Meditate if you dare. Years ago when I was living in my first apartment after moving out of my mom's place, I tried in earnest to meditate. I'd lay on special mats and light special candles and listen to special music. Nothing much ever came of it. Then, one night with my windows open and sounds of the street pouring in, I decided to sit in a lawn chair in my living room in the dark and try again.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I had some sort of semi-transcendent moment that scared the shit out of me and made me stay away from meditation for over a decade. My point? Find what works for you. All the prep work I put in clearly stopped me from having a real experience. If you need more than a minute on the toilet, take it.

5) Relax, already. To really clear you mind, don't try to clear your mind. That will only litter your brain with all kinds of useless rumblings that will be even harder to get out. Let your mind wander. The thoughts will come and go, and in between them you'll have little spells of calm blankness. You will finally be doing nothing, and you'll like it.

Now, let's dive into New Music Week!





What's you favorite way to do nothing?

Music Monday: New Music Week!

So, it's Monday again. We got some relief in St. Louis courtesy of a good, old fashioned rainy night yesterday. We hadn't had any major rain for about three weeks, so it had been dry and super hot.

HUBS and I also spent two and a half hours at the most extensive community pool I've ever been to. They had two giant water slides, a large outdoor pool, an indoor water slide, an indoor wave pool, a kiddie pool with bubbles and hot tub. HUBS has been talking about going to this particular pool for at least two years and I've never wanted to go.

Why, you ask? Because I hate being in public with no pants on. Because I can't swim. Because I dislike seeing bodies that are better or worse than mine. Because I dislike getting my hair wet or my eyeglasses wet. Because I don't like getting splashed in the face...I could go on, but won't. Despite my distaste for getting any part of my body wet while not bathing, I am a huge wet blanket at the pool (The beach is another story. I like beaches as long as I have some shade.)

But I went. For HUBS. And after about an hour I got a locker key, put my bag away, watched HUBS on the water slides and waded into the wave pool. After getting a 20 minute pounding, we went off the the hot tub and relaxed with the water jets. I don't need to go through this every weekend, but I'd be willing to go again at some point.

Now, we all know Monday is for music here on citygirl, but I've decided to do something different this week. Along with my usual Monday post, I'm also going to feature two new (to me, anyway) songs each day through Friday. Yay, right? Discovering new bands/artists is one of the things I love most in this world, and I especially love turning other people on to good music.

So, let's get started!





To tell me what new music you're loving lately, leave a comment below and maybe some of your favorites will show up on New Music Week!

Happy Friday: Settling Into Summer

Heat wave and warm-weather storms aside, now that July 4 has come and gone you cannot deny that we are in the ferocious days of summer. Does anyone else feel like the outrageous temps are keeping them from enjoying things?

I know I do. HUBS and I have barely been able to move this week. St. Louisans are dealing with our second straight week of 100 degree or more (usually more) temperatures. While am I so, so grateful to have a home and working A/C, our house is still hot. Our air runs non-stop from about 9 a.m. to midnight, but we've been seeing 85 degrees inside the house daily.

The ceiling is hot (I don't believe we have adequate insulation up there at all.); trying to nap mid-day is a mostly lost cause because our bedroom is a hot box and the bed is hot when you get into it. This needs to end...SOON. When I think of all the people and animals who live outside. I simply cannot imagine how they make it through the long, sweltering days.

We have managed to do a few things other than sit at home and watch TV, though.

1) I met up with my buddies from Girlfriend Circles again on Saturday for tea. It's nice to have a reason to dress up and people to talk to. I like them, and we have a good amount of stuff in common, but I'm kinda anxious to get to the part where we're really friends instead of committed acquaintances.

2) On Tuesday HUBS and I had what would turn out to be our July 4 celebration. We drove over to Swansea, IL to eat at Big Mama's Barbeque. Then went on to Belleville, IL for dessert at The White Cottage. Expect reviews next week of the awesome foodstuffs we consumed!

3) Since we were already in town, we saw a double feature at what is the last drive-in theater in the area, The Skyview. We saw Spider-Man and Men in Black 3. I thought it had cooled off enough to sit with the windows down, but HUBS disagreed and we ended up running the air for most of each film. The movies themselves were meh and OK, but it was nice to do something different and get home past midnight for once!

That's it! On the 4th we stayed at home; I watered the garden right before it got dark and we watched various fireworks displays on TV from the darkness of our finally cooling off living room. I hope you all had fun and stayed cool this week, and that you've got more fun, cool-staying in store for the weekend. Now, here are some nice internet discoveries from this week.

1) Lifehacker has cool tips and tricks for all you cat people out there.

2) Fantasy/Sci-Fi readers or those interested in the genres should take a look at this list of The Greatest Female Sci-Fi/Fantasy Authors of All Time.

3) If you're feeling as though you look less than polished due to the heat, well maybe this will make you feel better. Some of these ladies are doing fine. Some of them, really are not.

4) Last, but not least, if you need a summer music playlist try this or this.

That's all folks!

How will you have fun and stay cool this weekend?

Happy Friday: That's How This Goes

...

I don't know how many of you might be in the Midwest, but Mother Nature is no joke right now. Yesterday it got up to 108 degrees. Right now? It's 103 and looks like it'll get up to 106 before the sun goes down. Glory! I guess it's summer now, huh?

HUBS will be on vacation next week, and I am actually really glad we don't have a trip planned. I'm at the beginnings of trying to make some changes, and if we were going away next week it would be even harder to get a grip on some of my crap.

Well, that's all for now. Let's look around online and see what we can find, shall we?

1) Anyone dealing with depression or anxiety knows that it can be hard to talk yourself down in the midst of a bad spell. Here's some simple advice that might help if you're blue or mired in panic.

2) If I were the type to spend $95 on wall art, these '60s style James Bond inspired prints would fill my home.

3) I find string theory fascinating. Writer Rob Bryanton tries to explain a world of more than three and a 1/2 dimensions with some intriguing YouTube videos and a very well written blog. I got lost in them, even though I by no means understood all of it. It's nice to stretch your brain, isn't it?

4) Still getting used to Twitter, like me? You might find this Twitter Cheat Sheet helpful.

5) Chuck Wendig has the best list of 25 Things You Should Know About Writing Fantasy. Whether you write the stuff or read it you'll appreciate his thoughts.

That's all for me, lovelies! Peace out!

What cool things have you found online lately?

Tuesday Tipday: How To Be A Dick

...

It's fairly easy to be beloved by all. I mean, aren't there enough tomes teaching us how to click with others or win friends and influence people?

If you really want to be original, you need to be daring. And if you want to be daring? Be a dick. Here's how.

How To Be A Dick

1) You are the most special of special people. Don't let anyone forget it. Especially people who've never met you before.

2) There's nothing wrong with interrupting people to correct their supposed knowledge in front of others. How else will they learn?

3) Why do people try to talk to you about their problems? How could they not know that your problems are much more problematic? You have so much to teach these plebeians about pain.

4) Small victories are for sissies. When some blow hard is going on about finishing the first chapter of his novel, feel free to feign interest. Gloating is for superstars and that, my friend, is you.

5) Don't return their call. Ever.

6) Beauty may be in the eye of the beholder, but honesty isn't. So, yeah, she totally looks fat in that and you can't be afraid to tell her. She shouldn't have asked if she didn't want to know.

7) You have wonderful taste. Go ahead and invite folks to dinner at that $100 a plate restaurant you love.

8) No, don't offer to pay for them. Yes, you're basically made of money, But if they couldn't afford the place they should not have come.

9) Yes, they're boring and badly dressed. But you can't deny them the pleasure of your company. You're too good looking and your suit costs too much money for that.

10) Crop-dusting keeps it away from you. What could be more important?

Music Monday: I'm Reading My Ass Off

...

I'm so proud of myself, people! A couple of years ago I pledged to start reading more books, and I've outdone myself this month. I just finished the 912 page Kushiel's Dart this morning. After only three weeks of reading.

This is a huge deal for me. First of all, I rarely read anything that long. In fact, I think I've only read one novel approximate in length, and that was just last summer. Also, I'm a pretty slow reader. I like to fully imagine the world in my mind, go over good parts again and use different voices for characters in my head to make the story as real as possible. So, yeah, it can take me a while to get done.

But, I finished! And just in time for the online book club discussion tonight. Head over to Vaginal Fantasy Hangout at 8pm PST tonight if you're interested. I find the discussions entertaining even if I've never read the book!

I returned the book to the library today and decided to jump into the second book in the series. This one is 700 pages. Plus I've put Shadow of Night on hold so I can start on that when it comes out next month. And that? That is almost 600 pages. I will be busy for the foreseeable future.

Now! Music!

Happy Friday: The Days Are Longer, The Sun Is Hot

...

In my effort to get some grocery shopping done, I was finally able to wrest myself from the comfort of A/C and shade this morning. HUBS and I have been eating out all week, but tonight I have a nice array of dinner options to choose from which won't require me leaving the house again or talking on the phone to a teenager eager to grow up, move out and get a better job.

And now, you know what? I don't feel anything like cooking. But, I suppose we can deal with that later.

Actually, the only real cooking I've done on the hot days of this week involved a giant chocolate chip cookie that filled an 11 inch cast iron skillet. You'll have to click the link to get a gander at it. I meant to photograph my cookie (*giggle*), but I've been too busy eating each time I come near it to bother.

That's enough of that! Let's get on with the internet!

1) If you're vacationless this summer like lots of us looking to save money, get your travel kicks courtesy of Sonia's Travels. This chick travels A LOT. I'm jealous.

2) Still wondering how much sunscreen you need to apply and how often, already? David McCandless and friends provide a handy infographic for you. Just scroll about 1/4 of the way down the page.

3) Getting things done isn't always easy, even when it's something we know we need to do. Take a look at this list of 10 Steps to Infuse Your Goals with Momentum Inspiring Passion.

4) If you're looking to do some reading this weekend, check out Click. It's a book about how people forge fast bonds with one another and how we can use those things to our advantage when getting to know others. As someone who's always looking to break past my shyness barrier, I really appreciated the knowledge. It's a helpful, interesting and quick read.

5) Want to sit at home and do some shopping? eShakti offers all their styles up to size 26 and you can customize many of the items. This gorgeous number will be mine in about a week, thanks to a contest from Eat The Damn Cake.

That's all from me, lovelies. Enjoy!

What are you looking forward to this weekend?

Twitter Is Making Me Needy

...

Remember almost a month ago when I joined Twitter? I cannot lie to you, I've found it much more addictive than I ever thought possible. But there's a problem.

It's making me really, super needy.

See, it feels like this direct line to your favorite people. Whether they be actors, writers, singers, comedians, scientists, what-have-you. And watching them respond to what appear to be regular old folk opened up this possibility that they'd respond to me, too. And while it's possible that someone will at some point, for a week or two there it was driving me slightly batty that I was being ignored.

Not just by the famous people, but, seemingly, by everyone.

Part of this is my natural tendency toward shyness and how I've always wished it were easier for me to just jump right in and communicate with others. Really, how upset can you get about going unnoticed when you don't do much to get noticed?

I am happy to report, though, that I've mostly gotten over it. I've been tweeting my twitters in a vacuum. Posting, re-tweeting, reading and mostly not replying to anyone at all. I figure I'll keep that up until I can get over my shy-girl-in-the-corner-at-the-party feeling enough to engage other twits (Is that what we're called? Well, it should be.) without holding on to a desired outcome.

And now that I've added another major social media thing to my repertoire, I also feel slightly overwhelmed by all the information coming at me.

For instance, when I realized you could favorite tweets you like, I started starring things like crazy. I'm using it mostly as a bookmarking system for tweets that link to articles I want to go back and read.

What this means, though, is that now I've got things starred in Twitter and my Google Reader. Bookmarks in Explorer and Firefox. Favorites on YouTube. Favorites in my Yahoo and Netscape email accounts. Notes written down in notebooks and on scraps of paper. And tons of stuff pinned to my Pinterest boards.

I frequently find myself saying, Hey, I should tell people about X! Only to realize I have no idea where the fuck I stashed the info.

I suppose it wouldn't be technology if it didn't simultaneously make our lives easier and more difficult at the same time, would it?

How do you consolidate all your favorite internet info?

Music Monday: It's An Oven Out There

I did something I never usually do this weekend: I wandered around in the elements on two consecutive hot as hell days. I know! We met HUBS' family in Hermann at a winery for lunch on Saturday and ended up hanging out in town a little, visiting the house his maternal grandparents used to live in and stopping by their graves at the cemetery.

Sunday we went to a breakfast buffet at a Greek place called Ari's. It came highly recommended by St. Louis Magazine, and while it was cheap ($6.95 a person!) it was also not quite as good as IHOP. The food was pretty basic and got cold quickly, which was ironic, since the restaurant was as hot and stuffy as hell on fire. The problem? They had an omelet bar set up in the tiny bar along with the buffet with all the chafing dishes. Sorry, Greeks, that's too much fire in a small space that's also crowded with people on a boiling hot day!

Frequently, you really do get what you pay for. We won't be going back.

Sunday wasn't all so-so. We also got some much needed shopping done and finally got to see Chronicle*, a sleeper hit that came out earlier this year. It's relatively short and absolutely worth your time; it's a stunningly original take on something we've seen a lot of in the past dozen or so years.

Well, what did you do this weekend? Were you able to stay cool and relaxed? I ended up with a heat rash and certainly hope you were able to avoid that!

Now! Music!







*p.s. I disagree with the review I linked to that the ending was overkill. I loved the whole movie. Wish I had written it.