Tuesday, August 29, 2006


A divorce can follow you for a long time. My dad left my mom 12 years ago and just when you think all the crap is over something else happens.

About a month ago my mom's alimony check suddenly dwindled to almost nothing. She was given a nice portion of his wages and pension for life in the final settlement. (I realize that may sound harsh to a lot of people, but when he decided to leave he did it in such backhanded way that pretty much anyone would want, at least, to get money out of him.) Anyway, she had to call her lawyer and go to court. Of course he showed up without his attorney, so everything had to be rescheduled.

Mom went back to court last Monday. Turns out my dad retired. Because he had to. Because he has cancer. In his leg.

I don't know what to say about this. Mom told me because she promised me all those years ago when this crap was just starting that she'd never keep any of this from me. Since I told her I'd want to know. Well, ok, but here's the thing. I haven't spoken to my dad since December 1994. I haven't seen him (on purpose) in that same amount of time. He and his family treated my mom horribly when he left, even though he was the one doing all the dirt. I decided I couldn't deal with someone who'd treat my mother so shittily, so I cut him & his out.

He sent me a letter, by way of mom, in August of 2004. I read it. I kept it. But I never contacted him. I had no interest in it.

So now he's sick, and I still don't want anything to do with him. Am I terrible? Wouldn't it be worse to force a conversation with him just because he's got cancer? That would be disingenuous. Like lying. I simply don't have time for it. But I wonder all the same, does this make me a cold, evil bitch?

I found out about this on Sunday and have been able to go about my business without thinking about it until the writing of this entry. I'm so used to not thinking about that man that having to think about him at all is off-putting. I hate giving mental space to him just for this 10 minute span of time. Really? I'm not sure why I'm asking these questions. I have no intention of calling/writing/seeing him just because someone random believes I should. Even if mom, when I asked her the same thing, had said "Yes, you are cold, sick, devilish and horrid my darling daughter", I would not have contacted him just for that. It would not have been an honest response to the situation. Why is it that I seem to care what you think? When I don't?


Anonymous said...

You worked this thing out emotionally long ago, citygirl, and
there's no place left to revisit it. Some people seek to resolve differences with estranged family members before life ends, in the spirit of forgiveness; others are resolved not to reopen incendiary issues. You, apparently, are in the latter category.

miss tracey nolan said...

Follow your gut on this one, whatever it says. And hang in there, regardless.

citygirl said...

Anonymous, Tracey: Thanks you two.

Queue said...

I agree, with the above posters, when things go bad and you make your choices if something like this makes you revisit and your choice is the same, roll with it. sometimes coldness is necessary. I had to do it today too. good luck.

citygirl said...

Thanks. That divorce was really hard on me and my mom. We're not like the Gilmore Girls, but I know if we hadn't gone through it, though, we wouldn't be as close as we are now.

Anonymous said...

Sorry but I have to disagree...
Absence haunts more than presence does.

Seek him out if only to tell him all this that you wrote up here on your blog.

That way, at least you'll have closure for yourself (not for your mum) for yourself - when/if his absence becomes permanent


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