Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Where The Hell Have I Been?

-Sneezing*. You remember how I've had allergies all summer? Well today a new phenomenom started: blowing my nose now causes me to fart. And not little, cute *pop* *ptttthhhppp* farts but big, hard *BOOM* *CRACK* *DAMN* farts. Also? The odor, she is bad. Shit. Stop it gastrointestinal tract! I hate you now.

-Being speckled. Apparently I'm allergic to something I've used on my face recently. How do I know this? Because for the past week I've looked like someone attacked me with gravel...and it stuck to my face. The skin thing was bad enough, but then I woke up Friday morning with puffy, puss lips. Fuck. What's wrong with you skin? I had to see my mom for her birthday like this -- the next day. I was really afraid she'd notice, pull me aside and ask "What the hell did that boy give you? What the shit did he do to your face!!?" Luckily it was kinda dark in her house and she can't really see anyway. Thank you Sweet Baby Jesus for mid-life sight loss.

-Under paying my credit card bill. Did you know that if you paid your bill on time but accidentally forgot to pay enough to cover the minimum that you'd get hit with a late fee? Did you know that this "late" fee cost me $39 this month? No? Yeah, well, it did. Dammit Chase bank! Why can't a sista get ahead!? I owed them $139 this month which just about ate up my raise. Thusly, I have $12 to keep me until Friday, when the pay/pity cycle starts all over again.

-Working. So I've got this new job, right? I love the new freedom. I just kinda miss the old freedom a teensy bit, too. Jeez, I'm greedy.

-Not answering the phone. I don't have to listen to a ringing phone all day anymore so I don't. And. It. Is. AWESOME. My phone is on "do not disturb" so any calls go directly to my voice mail. If people leave an email address I get in touch that way instead of calling. BECAUSE I CAN. Loverly.

-Addressing the issue that is my flab. Turns out I weigh a whole ton more than I thought I did. I stepped on a scale last week and it's amazing that I didn't start crying on the spot. Unbelievable that I didn't become hysterical and then fall into a coma from the stress that is...SEEING EVIDENCE THAT I WEIGH 132 POUNDS. Fan-fucking-tastic folks. I now weigh around what my mom did at this ripe old age of 31. I've been doing well not eating late. I can even watch the boy eat Taco Bell, Jack'n the Box, McDonald's, chocolate covered peanuts, Snickers, etc. at midnight and not join in. Exercise? I'm still shooting for 30 minutes a day but haven't made it yet. Doesn't mean it's not still my goal. Cause it is. You hear that flab? I'm comin for ya!

-Wondering how I can finally have an orgasm. Shit. Do I need to take a siminar, or what?

-Watching tv. Also known as watching LOST, Studio 60, Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Girlfriends (maybe past its peak), Desperate Housewives (will never be as good as the first season again), The Office, My Name is Earl, Supernatural, Smallville, Grey's Anatomy, Family Guy and American Dad. See? I'm busy.

-Not getting any film review assignments. I can't help but believe that this is directly related to an incident two weeks ago. Dammit, I'll tell you about it later.

-Comforting the boy after Eddie Van Halen scared the crap outta him.

*Do any of you ever feel that blowing your nose makes it bigger? Fine. You can lie to me, but not yourselves...liers.


Anonymous said...

BTW, when feeling farty don't bend over in public to lift something... not that it happens to me, I'm just saying

citygirl said...

Oh sure. I bet that neeeeeever happens to you.


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