Monday, April 30, 2007

Wild Kingdom

I'm not used to animals. You know that, right? I mean, I'm finally used to the Tuxikitten and he still freaks me out sometimes, with all his cat-like sneakiness and appearing out of nowhere.

Anyway, we've got about six stray cats that hang out in the neighborhood. They like to wander from yard to yard, peeing and eating things. Imagine my surprise as I sat in the FI-ance's car yesterday and watched one of the strays coming from our yard. That alone isn't a big deal. But, as kitty got closer to the car I noticed a freaky sight--KITTEN HAD A KILL IN ITS MOUTH.

Oh God, ya'll. I have never seen anything like it. Whatever Killerkitten was carrying was pretty damn big and fuzzy. Aside from the horror that that thing might've been caught in our yard, I watched in shock as Killer dropped its prey, sat down in our yard and began to play with it. Then, of course, Killer started gnawing. It was like watching a train wreck happen, you know there's carnage and pain but you're so stunned it's in front of you that you can't look away.

And, obviously, since I'm all freaked out, the FI-ance is totally ambivalent: "Aww, that's a good kitty cat. That kitty cat's doing its job, being a good little hunter...ewww." Luckily he drove away before we saw much more. Also lucky? When we got home The Killer and The Dead were completely gone from our yard. Not a single trace of the circle of life was in place. Thank God.
You know internet, I really like you. So, as a friend, I'm going to give you some advice: don't ever issue threats to spiders. Do what you need to, but don't say anything about it, because they'll find out and they will not be happy.

So, after all my trauma last Saturday night I spent the week going back and forth in Lila trying not to think about the new species I'd discovered in the car then. Everything was fine because ignorance is utter bliss. Thursday changed that.

I was trying to get to work and running late as usual. I threw my things in the car and did a quick look inside to make sure no spideys were apparent. As soon as I take off I notice another huge , white spider hiding in the space between the side mirror and the thing that holds the mirror onto the car. I actually remained fairly calm. Spidey was away from me and I couldn't get to him in there going 80mph, so I figured I'd wait until I hit a light after getting off the highway. Which is exactly what I did.

I keep a can of cheap air freshener in my car for just this reason. It kills and freshens. Brilliant! I sprayed the bugger and he tried to escape by crawling toward my window which I quickly rolled back up and saw that he rolled himself into a little ball...I thought.

At the next light legs appeared wriggling and I realized what I'd done. When I rolled up the window I sorta...cut the spider in half. I know! Stop it, I feel bad enough already! I have no love for spiders, but I don't want them to suffer when I dispense of them. And I absolutely don't want to watch them suffer. It's been days now, and every now and then I see those three legs and half body waving about wildly, almost like it's begging for help. Then the motion stops and it falls on the door and the wind blows it away. Man! It was actually sad and I still feel terrible about that. I swear I try to be humane in my kills.

Well, then all Hell broke loose. It was like every spider in the tri-state area knew what I'd done. They came out of every crease and crevice in my car. They lined up on the dash board wearing little gas masks and carrying shields. Ok, not really but that's what it seemed like. Have you ever tried to kill spiders while driving alone? I could have died.

As I pulled into the garage at work I had to stop suddenly and take off my shoe to kill one that came out near the top of my head. Then another one jumped down from a web on my door. I couldn't get the shoe off again so I sprayed it and it fell God knows where. That was the last straw. I pulled over and jumped out of the car. I could not find that fucker anywhere so I started spraying every surface in the car with Glade. I spritzed every little corner, seam, and most of the floor. Nothing. No sign of it. After about 15 minutes of screaming (yes, at the car in the garage at work as people came and went around me...what was I supposed to do?), sweating, spraying and praying I quickly got back in, parked and jumped out. I had one of the valets wash and vacuum Lila while I was at work. I gave him a five dollar tip.

On Friday I had a realization: if I treat the car with the bug spray I used in the house I should be ok. Since I found a web inside my car this morning, I believe I'll be doing that tonight.


SoMuchSugar said...

oh just reading about that gives me the creepy-crawlies!!

citygirl said...

You have no idea. I itched all day on Thursday.

miss tracey nolan said...

This cracked my right up. As a fellow urban girl who doesn't "get" nature I really, really loved this. I think you should write a short film. Citygirl vs The car spiders.

citygirl said...

Yeah! And I could use Lila as the set. Have the whole thing take place there...Yeah...Yeah...


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