Mean Green

What is it about realizing I have my hands on more money than I thought I did that makes me want to spend every cent of it? It's deeper than that actually. Even when I have NO cash to spare, my instinct is to throw it away on useless stuff. And not just some of it, people. Copius amounts of my limited resources. I have a serious problem. Does anyone else suffer from this affliction?

I find myself in a bind now, needing to plan a trip to Austin for next month, buy pretty much everything one could need to keep an 8-year-old car running and purchase a new mattress and box spring. Ask yourselves what I most want to do? Buy shoes? Yes! Acquire a new (and obscenely expensive) camera? Certainly! Add to my already bloated collection of lip glosses considering I only have two pairs of lips and only one of them is lip gloss material? You bet your sweet asses!

Why does spending make me feel healthy and alive and like a real living grown-up? I used to be able to budget, I swear I did. This is back in the days when I had just moved out of my mom's and was only a year and a half out of college. I bought nothing. No cd's (I still used the double deck tape player I got for my 16th birthday), no videos (what's a dvd player?), no clothes, no meals out. Financial stability through simplicity. And total boredom. I never went out, but since I was sad all the time and felt like a blob of useless semi-humanity I guess that's understandable.

Then something happened. I decided to just go ahead and get a frivolous little thing for myself. Fuck, ya'll; that was hella fun!! Then I actually found myself with a few friends. Naturally they wanted to go to movies and eat out and shop. Why not join them? I never did anything fun. I've even roped my recently acquired boyfriend into it. Baseball bat for burglar protection? Check. Nerf guns and ammo? Check. Ultimate Mahjongg cd-rom? Check and re-check.

Five years later here I am. I'm not in the poor house but I have the checking account of a 12-year-old. Savings? Wait, say that again. I think I need to look it up. I even had a part-time gig to supplement my income. Guess where I worked? Lord and fucking Taylor! They could have just kept my check because most of it went back to them anyway. I'm actually glad they fired me.

So now I look cute and have friends and fun but no reliable stores of dinero. There's got to be a middle ground.