Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Does the World Want Me to Go Postal?!

So, the good news is that I didn't get fired. The review wasn't exactly good, but there is hope. What I really want to talk about today is what happened yesterday, Monday October 15 2007.

I was in great shape yesterday morning. I got up when my clock went off, got ready in a truly timely fashion, and was headed to my car slightly before 8am. I hit my shoulder when I got in the car, it felt kinda low when I sat down but didn't think much of it. As I started to pull away from the curb I heard a scraping noise. I figured there was a can or something stuck under my wheel and kept going. Hmmm...more scraping. So I stopped the car I got out to see what could possibly be wrong now. (I'd just gotten my car back from a short trip to the mechanic on Saturday. Something was rattling underneath when I idled. Turns out some kind of cap was broken and had to be replaced.)

WHAT. THE. FUCK!!!!! Some asswipebuttfucker stole my rear driver's side wheel, tire, hubcap, and lug nuts. So that scraping I heard? Yeah, that was the sound of my brake rotor being driven on. Do we all understand what's happened? Lila, whom I park RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE IN THE GHETTO, was jacked up and violated at some point on Sunday night WHILE FI-ANCE AND I SLEPT IN OUR HOUSE A FEW FEET AWAY.

I was so very angry that I believe I may have turned into The Incredible Hulk for a few brief minutes. I got my things out of the car, turned the ignition off and made my way back inside to call the police, my supervisor at work, my insurance company and FI-ance.

The cops took HALF AN HOUR to get to me. Granted, it wasn't an emergency and I'm sure someone was being horribly injured somewhere when I called, but dammit! Evidence is blowing away as I sit here fuming and twiddling my thumbs! Wait...that's right, there was no evidence. Not a fingerprint to be found was left on Lila. Of course none of my hard-partying, hard-drinking, probably drug addicted neighbors saw anything. According to my friend TC's husband (he's a mechanic) this thorough theft process would have taken about TWENTY MINUTES. Right outside my front door. Lucky, lucky me.

I called FI-ance. He apologized for not noticing when he left for work before me. Why should he have noticed? I mean, I started driving before I noticed, because, golly you guys, I'd always assumed I'd have WHEELS ON MY CAR AND SHIT. Now, every time either of us returns to our cars anywhere we're going to feel compelled to check to make sure we have tires. That, friends, IS UTTERLY FUCKING RIDICULOUS.

As I talked to FI-ance I almost started to cry. You know when you get so angry and fed up and frustrated but there's no one in the immediate vicinity for you to punish for what's happened? That's the kind of crying I was in for. I somehow managed to hold it off until several hours later.

I told FI-ance I was done. The neighborhood can go straight to Hell for all I care. I am officially tired of the noise, the trash in our yard, the random strangers walking through the front and back yards at all hours, the general disrespect of other people, the walking and congregating in the actual street where only cars should be, the car keying, the chewed-food spitting, the delivery-people abuse and, oh yes, how can I forget the FOUR FUCKING CHILD MURDERS that have occurred since we moved in. God Dammit, you fucking immature, imbecilic, criminal bastards!!! Can anybody give me one good reason not to raze the whole fucking pit of despair?! Just ONE reason?!!!

My sweet, angered FI-ance showed up right after the cop left. He found out I had free towing with my insurance and we called a place recommended by our mechanic. It took them AN HOUR AND A HALF to get to me. Thank fucking God I wasn't stranded on the side of the road at night in the cold. In order for the tow guy to get the spare on he had to take two lugnuts off a front tire. We are both now having our cars outfitted with locking lugnuts.

FI-ance and I both feel punched in the gut. We honestly thought we'd done what we needed to in order to make a smart buy. We had just gotten settled and now we feel we have to abandon ship. The chances of selling the place on the market is pretty small, because of, you know, the child murders and pizza lady rapings. We're trying to get one of those companies that buys houses in any condition to take our first home off our hands at the full price we paid for it so we can make a clean getaway. We're also considering car alarms, The Club, and home security systems.

Another tragedy associated with this whole thing? As FI-ance and I watched the tow guy get my car off his truck at the mechanic I noticed a huge grasshopper in front of us. FI-ance was marveling at the hopper's size and many hoppy colors when tow guy pulled around in my car, hopperson jumps up to avoid the car, hit himself on my bumper and bounced off, landing just in time to get squished by one of my tires. Oh, God the carnage was really unsettling. And you know I'm not a bug/insect lover, but dammit! Hoppy McHopperson was this close to making a clean getaway. If some jerkoff hadn't stolen my wheel that grasshopper would still be alive people. Think about that!


miss tracey nolan said...

Oh, man. Tragedy + Time = Comedy. You WILL laugh about this someday. Good luck! xo

kim said...

Yikes! That's a bad day right there. Maybe a big barking dog to scare people off? When I was in college I had some friends living in an awful neighborhood. On weekends and random evenings, my friend would sit out on his front porch, very obviously cleaning a really big (unloaded) shot gun. I think it got the point across. :)

SoMuchSugar said...

OH no!!! So sorry about your car (and sorry for Hoppy). The feeling must have been so awful when you found out. (We are having Brinks come do an estimate on our new place tonight; maybe it will be a good price, I don't know... Not the same as for your car, but maybe it would make you feel better...?)

citygirl said...

Thanks for the thought, guys. I like the idea of a big dog to guard the place. But mostly what I'd like to do is get the mob to "take care of" anyone who bugs us. This way? There's no warning to the criminals. They think they've gotten away with it and then, ooops! Look whose legs are broken!


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