Friday, March 17, 2006

Wallflowers

I suppose I'm a rare bird, because while I was single I was almost always in. Alone at home watching tv or movies or reading. Now that I have a boy we go out often since we like the same things: movies, music, books and good, cheap food. We're both coming out of our lonely wall flower days, and if we need to retreat into the warm solice of home, we know we can do it comfortable at either place we live.

The thing that's getting to me is that I know I'm better at talking to new people when I'm alone. If I'm with somebody when I go out all I do is cling to that person. Why step out and do the different thing if I don't have to? He's becoming my path to least resistance, my easy way out, if you will. I can feel myself closing into a little ball and only letting him in. New people are hard for me, so why not hold onto this one person for dear life? At least I don't look lonely anymore.

Strangers see me with my boy. Sometimes we're holding hands. Often we're kissing or nuzzling. All things I never thought I'd be willing to do in public. But it's HIM. He makes me comfortable so I don't care. Unless we're surrounded by teenagers during a late-night Wendy's pitstop in rural Arkansas. But that's another story.

He's a sweet boy. He feels he's holding me back. Last weekend in particular. We went to SXSW. I want to write and produce films. He loves movies, but has no interest in the business. He deals in lasers for fuck's sake. He's the most perfect, smart, sexy, funny geek-boy ever. But he knew last weekend. No parties, no celebs, few films, one panel. This is all my fault and I know that. This is why I spent so much time cranky in Austin. How could I demand he spend more for a badge, like me? That's not fair. Maybe I should have gone alone. But that would have sucked; to spend four days so many miles apart. I wanted him there, here. With me, always. I can't be selfish with his time and pissy when his desires monopolize it.

Right there. That last sentence is wrong. If we're gonna do this right, his time is my time. When together we have OUR time. We'll need discussions on how to spend it. We'll both give and take, stand and sway. It's the only way to make it work. The only way not to hold anything over each other. The only way to both get what we need and want. He goes to Fry's, I take time out for photographs. He sleeps, I bop around the convention center. He reads a thick novel, I try to pry my way into a film panel and then have a hearty cry because nothing is going like I want it to.

I'm still new to this thing, still confused and figuring. Still like a little girl playing house. Still an irrational adult, driving angry and scaring my passenger/prisoner. He's sat willingly beside me since then, but I sense the tension. I'm still sorry for that.

We can't go backwards. Two shy seekers peering at life through a little hole in the world. Alone, depressed and sometimes shattered. Teach me how we move ahead together.

2 comments:

miss tracey nolan said...

I hope you DO make movies, Citygirl! I see Auntie Mame is listed as one of your faves. Wasn't Ros Russell a dream in that film? I completely stole her performance when was a 19 year old Mame in my high school production. Blatant theivery!

Your boy will be proud of you when you make your movies and do your "you" things, I bet. Everyone needs "me" time, even those of us in relationships. But don't rush it. "Us" time is important too. Anyway, you'll figure out what's right for you two in time. Trust in that :)

citygirl said...

Ms. Russell was indeed in Auntie Mame and she kicked total ass in it! I'm sure if you copied her artistic stylings back in the day, you rocked out as mame too.

I suppose it's too early to worry about not having 'me' time. We've only been together for 4 months. Thanks for the words Tracey!

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