Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Alias: Fear

There are lots of things that freak me out. Clowns, large animals, small yappy animals, birds, things with wings, change, flying, spiders, public speaking, dating, the old people smell. I've managed to deal with most of these things by attacking them head on. Learning to love a cat, killing spiders, flying anyway, staying away from the elderly. Now though, I've come to think that something else scares me so much I may not be able to get over it and live normally.

I'm afraid of getting pregnant.

This, in turn, has made me afraid of sex.

That's it. I've put it out for the universe and internet and all to see. I AM AFRAID OF SEX.

Don't misunderstand, I have sex. But best believe it freaks me out a bit each time. I'm in a loving, monogamous relationship and I'm so afraid of getting pregnant that I've only been able to have condom-free (but birth control & spermicide aided) sex twice since we found out my boy is totally disease free. I feel bad about it. I want to be a wanton sex goddess around my boy. But I can't do it.

In Vegas I got teary over it. It was our second full day and I was totally exhausted and couldn't think of why, since we hadn't gotten up early, stayed up late or done all that much that day. Back in the hotel I lied down and my boy tried to cheer my obviously sour mood. Tears filled my closed eyes. I didn't want him to see me crying. Then I said it. "I'm afraid I'm so tired because we had sex without a condom and now I'm pregnant." Mind you, that was three days prior. Does anyone even get signs of pregnancy that early? Anyway, he worked to comfort me and reassure me that, even if that was the case, he'd be there. Because...we're a WE. A UNIT. Together forever, Amen. The boy even offered to return to glove love until I felt comfortable.

Then I decided to make myself feel better by having sex. Without a condom (!!!). And so I've spent the past week and a half praying to God that I get my period as planned this weekend.

Ladies of the internet, not even when I was in 6th grade and all the other girls had their monthlies did I wish for mine. Talk about a sea change.


Anonymous said...

I understand your paranoia...

The IUD has been a godsend for me. No condoms and very little worry - outside of my usual paranoia, which has substantially diminished

Queue said...

okay - I'm back your personal little sex thearpist. Now I was very afriad of getting pregnant, so much so that around nineteen I went and abstained for like four years.


Mind you I really wanted to be a mom, but not until I knew I was with the right person and was emotionally ready to be a parent. and I didn't have sex again until I was sure of all those things.. okay there was that one guy at the end of that four years.. anywho, moving on.

I personally don't think anyone should have sex until they are sure of three things.
1. that you are able and can handle being a parent
2. that the person you are with is committed to that possibility, and is comfortable with what ever decision you choose to make with your body.
3. that ever one is healthy ( i.e tested)

so my suggestion is the same for this problem as it is for most relationship problems. communicate. talk about it. What is it about pregnancy that scares you? the responsiblity? the medical part? the preceived loss of freedom? THe actual act of carry a person? Is it procreating with this actual person scary? is it the actual sexual act that creats the baby the culprit? Think you are too young to be somebody elses mom? but the way to move past fear is to address the thing that you are afraid of. Typically the way to feel safe is to know you don't have any secrets. And that telling your mate what ever it is that is on your mind won't change your relationship, that you are clear and happy with where each of you stand. it sounds like you have a great guy.
Talk to him about the answers to the questions i asked, and think about them your self before you talk to him, and be sure of YOUR answers before you get his... we have a tendancy to make their answers our own..

good luck...
p.s.sorry I got so long winded

citygirl said...

Actually, everything about being pregnant scares me. Not to mention that my boy and I both have mental issues I'd feel horrible about possibly passing on (he has OCD, I've suffered from depression most of my life).

One of the things I love about him is that I can and have told him all my fears and he really does seem to understand. I love that even though he badly wants condom free nookie he offered to wear one for as long as it takes me to get used to the idea of doing it without one.

He's a good guy. I do know that for sure.


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