Last Thursday was interesting. I didn't realize how interesting, though, until Sunday.
We had just, just returned from his parents house. We celebrated his mom's birthday and it was getting close to our aspired bed time of midnight. Almost as soon as we walk in, he starts a conversation he probably wishes he hadn't:
"So, you wanna see my new porn?"
"We just saw your family and this is what you feel the need to do?"
"Well, you looked and some with me before. I thought that was cool, you know? And I just downloaded this new stuff on Thursday and thought you might want to see it."
"Thursday? So while I thought you were fixing your car and waiting for you to come to my place that's what you were really doing?"
"No, well...some of the time. Yeah. I mean I really did have to fix my car, but..."
"So, I was sitting at home, putting pictures of OUR vacation in Vegas online. Hoping you could fix your damn car so I could see you and maybe EAT DINNER FINALLY before excruciatingly late and you were...JACKING OFF?!"
I was kidding, but there was a long pause here, internet. His eyes shifted quickly back and forth, beads of sweat formed on his brow, his lips parted and he covered them with his hands. He looked, suddenly, like a naughty 12-year-old.
"Oh my God! You didn't just pick up some porn while you were waiting for your air filter to dry. YOU REALLY WERE JACKING OFF!"
"Wait! No! I mean...Not the whole time!"
"I cannot believe this is what you do while I wait for you to come over. This is why we hardly have sex!"
"Hey now, wait a minute! I never come home with that in mind. It just happens. When you're not here...or taking a nap."
Ok, now he's making jokes. I have to admit that it is funny in an odd sort of way. I'm not angry, even. Just...mystified, confused, befuddled. And maybe wishing he weren't so damn honest all the time about everything always.
"I can't believe you jacked off on Thursday."
"Honey, one thing just led to another...I love youuuuuuu."
"You jacked off on Thursday and then came to see me. After hours of waiting. I'm not mad, I just don't get it."
He came in close, still looking guilty, to give me a hug. I had to repeat "you jacked off on Thursday" over and over again to make it not seem so weird. I expect him to look at nudie pics and pull the pork, internet. I really do. He's a man and they cannot keep their hands off of themselves. But, knowing he does that and then comes to me? Somehow really not right. Now, unless he's in front of me, I am always going to think he's choking his chicken. I can picture him calling me on his way toward climax already: "I'm...Gonna...BE...LATE!"
"Show me that porn."
"Iiiiiiiiiiii, don't think so. You obviously don't like this, so..."
"SHOW ME THAT DAMN PORN, BOY!!!"
Yeah. I think this is the last I'll hear of this particular type of tale.