Dear Las Vegas,

Gee, My boy and I sure had fun in your city last week. Thanks ever so for being the crazy night owl that you are and hosting these Missourians right. But, I have some questions:

Why are your streets so wide? I mean, yea for exercise, but the walk from the front of the Gold Coast to the front of the Palms was about two miles. And don't ask me how I know, LV, I clocked it.

Why do your wide streets not allow for less traffic congestion? We rented a car for Thursday through Saturday LV, and your traffic was hideous. I did all the driving and wanted to get out of the car and kill random motorists for 3 days straight. I scared my boy several times by cursing, screaming and attempting a u-turn (in full traffic with a truck coming at us) that made him pee a little.

Why do all your non-casino buildings have ONE entrance? This, LV, is the dumbest thing ever. I missed our turn for the In-N-Out Burger on Tropicana and had to go ALLLLLLLLLLLLL the way around the strip to get back to said fast food joint. This sort of idiocy happened every time I wasn't prepared for our exit to come up. I suppose you think hapless visitors will get tired of driving around in circles and just give up and go into the nearest casino and blow all their cash on booze and baccarat. No. What actually happens is that we want to murder everyone we see to clear a path for ourselves. I am honestly surprised that you don't have more road rage related deaths from this LV.

What's with making us walk a country mile to get to the monorail? I love that you have such an easy and basically cheap way to get around the strip, but how about being honest with those signs that say the damn shit is coming up. We walked into a Bally's door that said it was the MONORAIL ENTRANCE. We took a people mover, then another one, then went down an escalator, then walked ALLLLLLLLL the way across the casino, following monorail signs the whole time. Then the signs stopped and we gave up and walked to Paris since it was right there and we could actually see the damn thing. I asked an info desk lady how to get to the almighty monorail and found out we needed to go DOWNSTAIRS in Bally's near the pool. We headed back across the Bally's casino, downstairs, found a ticket machine and thought we were home free, but then had to go ALLLLLL the way across the lower level (Dammit! My feet hurt, fuckers!!), out the monorail doors, across the monorail lot, up the stairs to the station. SHIT LV! That's just not even close to being necessary. Really. No, seriously. Fuckwads.

Hey Gold Coast, what makes you think a dinner buffet is worth $12.95? I'm really not trying to be picky here, GC, but some of your buffets are really cheap (breakfast: $6.95) while others are OMGWTF!!! I know there was an asswad load of food on that buffet, but $13 is a bit much when there is no steak or lobster or actual pig on a spit in front of us. And let's be real, don't you get most of your money from gamblers and drinkers and bowlers in your SEVENTY LANE ALLEY? Knock off a couple of bucks, already, so that next time I won't have to stuff my purse with cookies and apples to make us feel we got our money's worth.

Speaking of getting what we paid for; how do you not offer free wireless access GC? You're supposed to be a classy 3-star establishment, but want us to pay $11 for wireless. Not for the duration of our stay, but for TWENTY FOUR HOURS?!?! Thank God we found someone with an unsecured wireless connection most of the time and never used your gangsta internet service. This is why we took towels, toiletries and your very nice room glasses. We would have taken more but couldn't fit it in the suitcases.

Why do you not let people know where that "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign is, LV? Are you ashamed of it being your most recognizable landmark that isn't a casino? I didn't find it until Friday afternoon and wasn't ready with my camera. I missed it and didn't have time to go back to it before we left on Saturday. For real, though. Put that bastard's address in your brochures. Shit. Do I have to think of EVERYTHING for you, LV?

What's going on with not being able to get pizza delivered to the strip? LV? GET REAL. Not everyone wants to eat your hellaciously priced dinner buffets or hit the local Mickey D's. All my boy and I wanted was a pizza on a Friday night. We were tired and had been cranky off and on (heat) since Sunday. We had to call about 8 fucking places before finally asking Mr. Bell Desk what pizza joint would bring our worn-out asses some food. Now, I don't know where the glitch is, nor do I care. Next time I hit Vegas I want to call no more than two restaurants to find one to cater to my every whim. You got that LV? DO NOT CONTINUE TO PISS OFF A CHEAP AND HUNGRY BLACK WOMAN.

I keep hearing that prostitution is illegal in LV proper, so why all the ho ads and trading cards littering the streets? I'm no prude, whatever consenting adults want to do with their own, personal goof juice is up to them. But let's not pretend that those ads of naked women piled on top of each other are for actual "librarians", "secretaries" or "adult care companions". A ho, is a ho, is a ho, ho, whore LV.

By the way, can you really get a hot and bothered busty co-ed to my room in 10 minutes? Cause that's quicker than a pizza!