Thursday, September 20, 2012

10 Things I Don't Understand

Hey! Someone else looks like crap with messy hair just like me! Good to know...

There are some things about life which I have little or no understanding of. Here's my list.

10 Things I Don't Understand About Life

1) Messy hair: It looks fine on other people (usually). But, if I have a single hair out of place, I am guaranteed to look like a homicidal crack head. Isn't it nice to know what doesn't work for you?

2) Giving the finger: Sure, I've done it a couple of times in righteous anger. But, it just felt kinda...Meh. Since what I really want to do when I flip someone off is yell or smack them upside the head with a large metal serving spoon, the finger just doesn't feel like enough. So, I don't do it.

3) Thong underwear: These, ostensibly, became all the rage to remove ladies' panty lines. Can I tell you something? When I was still working downtown and saw well-dressed career women all the time, a LOT of them had thong panty lines. And there is nothing more hideous than a constant reminder of a stranger's ass crack. I am pro-granny panty. All the way.

4) Sunscreen: Now, before you begin to silently judge me, you should know that I of course wear sunscreen. But, I also hate it with a fierce passion. I'm sure there's some $45,000 bottle of the stuff out there that makes you feel fresh and glowy and sophisticated. I only buy the drugstore variety, so I turn into a sticky hobo within an hour of putting the stuff on. Dammit, sun!

5) Iced coffee: Just disgusting. If coffee's not hot, what's the point? I will sit under a fan on full blast if need be to have my piping morning cuppa. Yes I will.

6) Piercings: Earrings? Sure. A dainty diamond stud in the nose? OK, fine. But bones and bars and ear lobe extenders? No. And, you're not even an original anymore, hun. Take it out, stitch it up and move on.

7) Politics: Oh, I vote. Lots of people went through a lot of trouble, including dying, so my black female ass could have a say. The problem? I find it impossible to believe 99% of what anyone on either side (or in the middle) tells me. I think most of them just want the power of being elected. And the rest of them will soon be corrupted by all the games they need to play to get anything accomplished. As you might imagine, I usually leave my polling place feeling vaguely icky and praying I made a choice that won't send us into Armageddon.

8) Fashion magazines that refuse to acknowledge the fact that most women can't, and wouldn't even if they could, pay $70 for eyeshadow: Show some cheap shit, already! And? Stop pretending you have a story on high/low fashion when your "low" is a pair of $189 pants. You know what? Nevermind. You keep acting like fools and I'll keep not reading and yelling Fuck you Vogue! when I pass a newsstand.

9) Ugly-cute animals: Notice we don't ascribe this dichotomy to people? That's because ugly-cute doesn't exist. Can you really not love your ugly-ass dog if you don't insist it's cute? Well, shame on you, I say. Shame!

10) Low rise pants: Haven't we all seen enough butt crack beginnings in our lives? Haven't we?!

What things about modern life do you not understand?

5 comments:

Patrick Huff said...

I here you. The body piercing has gog to go. I do like the nose and nipple ring (shame on me).

For me, it is meatless food. Don't get me wrong, I can eat a vegetarian dish anytime but what is the point in meatless bacon? No thanks.

Nicole said...

This made me laugh.

I don't understand why Taylor Swift rules the world. Or wearing pajama pants outside the house.

nicole from BHB

Take Charge Becc said...

LMOA is all I can say!

Well that's not true I do have a bit more to say....I think we may be "thought twins" (if there is such a thing).

I identified with each and every one of these points and had a great big belly laugh (thank you for that!).

It is funny that Politics are the same around the world and sunscreen is crap whether in Australia or America. We may live across the other side of the world but boy have I connected with you :)

Susan Cooper said...

Boy Howdy, You made me really laugh. I with on giving the finger and thong underwear. nuff said... :-)))

Citygirl said...

Patrick: I get your aversion to the meatless food. Let's not pretend it's bacon if there's no piggy in there, right?

Nicole: I don't see the point of Taylor Swift, either! And, it's funny that you don't get pajama pants outside; for about a year a decade ago I used to wear them everywhere, even to work. Though I must say, they were very nice, solid colored PJ pants. That was a mighty comfortable phase...

Becc: It's always nice to find someone you've got stuff in common with, and I'm glad we've found each other. I'm digging your blog as well!

Susan: So glad to make you laugh. A little giggling makes everything better :)

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