How To Tell You've Watched A Bad Movie

I watch a lot of movies. But, every now and then I watch a movie and have no idea how I feel about it. Good movies are easy. Really bad movies are easy. But the ones in the middle? Those can be tough.

So, here's my list of 11 ways to tell a bad movie was just all up in your face.

11 Ways To Tell You've Watched A Bad Movie

1) You had no problem getting up in the middle to go to the bathroom and taking your sweet time in there.

2) You just left the theater. Wait, what was the movie about again?

3) It's opening weekend, and you were the only one in the theater.

4) You watched intently, but still felt confused during the whole thing.

5) You didn't care what happened to anyone in the movie.

6) You couldn't manage to laugh, cry or feel anxious/scared/thrilled about anything that went on during the film.

7) Whoever you went with talked to you the for the entire movie, and you didn't mind at all.

8) You spent the movie comparing plot points to other films that did them first, and better.

9) At least 25% of the audience got up during the movie and didn't come back.

10) After getting back from the bathroom you realize you missed a lot, but you can still follow the plot just fine.

11) Did you fall asleep? You don't remember?! Bad sign, my friend.

10 Things I Don't Understand

Hey! Someone else looks like crap with messy hair just like me! Good to know...

There are some things about life which I have little or no understanding of. Here's my list.

10 Things I Don't Understand About Life

1) Messy hair: It looks fine on other people (usually). But, if I have a single hair out of place, I am guaranteed to look like a homicidal crack head. Isn't it nice to know what doesn't work for you?

2) Giving the finger: Sure, I've done it a couple of times in righteous anger. But, it just felt kinda...Meh. Since what I really want to do when I flip someone off is yell or smack them upside the head with a large metal serving spoon, the finger just doesn't feel like enough. So, I don't do it.

3) Thong underwear: These, ostensibly, became all the rage to remove ladies' panty lines. Can I tell you something? When I was still working downtown and saw well-dressed career women all the time, a LOT of them had thong panty lines. And there is nothing more hideous than a constant reminder of a stranger's ass crack. I am pro-granny panty. All the way.

4) Sunscreen: Now, before you begin to silently judge me, you should know that I of course wear sunscreen. But, I also hate it with a fierce passion. I'm sure there's some $45,000 bottle of the stuff out there that makes you feel fresh and glowy and sophisticated. I only buy the drugstore variety, so I turn into a sticky hobo within an hour of putting the stuff on. Dammit, sun!

5) Iced coffee: Just disgusting. If coffee's not hot, what's the point? I will sit under a fan on full blast if need be to have my piping morning cuppa. Yes I will.

6) Piercings: Earrings? Sure. A dainty diamond stud in the nose? OK, fine. But bones and bars and ear lobe extenders? No. And, you're not even an original anymore, hun. Take it out, stitch it up and move on.

7) Politics: Oh, I vote. Lots of people went through a lot of trouble, including dying, so my black female ass could have a say. The problem? I find it impossible to believe 99% of what anyone on either side (or in the middle) tells me. I think most of them just want the power of being elected. And the rest of them will soon be corrupted by all the games they need to play to get anything accomplished. As you might imagine, I usually leave my polling place feeling vaguely icky and praying I made a choice that won't send us into Armageddon.

8) Fashion magazines that refuse to acknowledge the fact that most women can't, and wouldn't even if they could, pay $70 for eyeshadow: Show some cheap shit, already! And? Stop pretending you have a story on high/low fashion when your "low" is a pair of $189 pants. You know what? Nevermind. You keep acting like fools and I'll keep not reading and yelling Fuck you Vogue! when I pass a newsstand.

9) Ugly-cute animals: Notice we don't ascribe this dichotomy to people? That's because ugly-cute doesn't exist. Can you really not love your ugly-ass dog if you don't insist it's cute? Well, shame on you, I say. Shame!

10) Low rise pants: Haven't we all seen enough butt crack beginnings in our lives? Haven't we?!

What things about modern life do you not understand?

TV You Should Be Watching

Isn't television a frequently wonderful thing? I've always been a TV lover, and since HUBS and I are currently people of modest means, most of our nights are spent in front of a weekly television series discussing the vagaries of human motivation. Or, sometimes just laughing our asses off. But, you know, either way it's fun!

We've come upon some shows recently that I would be remiss not to discuss with you. They are all funny and thought provoking, and I think you'll like them.

1) Veep

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I like Julia Louis-Dreyfus, so I had decent hopes for Veep. Who knew it would turn out to be one of the more surprising new shows in years? As you can likely guess by the title, she plays a US Vice President. And she just happens to be dealing with a distant daughter, scheming lawmakers, a president who doesn't much respect her, a pregnancy scare and her own struggles to push her political agenda while under intense media scrutiny. I know, it sounds hilarious! Actually, that's one of the things we loved about the show; it manages to be truly funny while still dealing with insider political stuff very realistically. The first season has finished showing, but you can watch it on HBO GO. Favorite Line: "I am going to throw up a leg."



2) Girls

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I freely admit that Girls is one of those shows where I initially thought Great, just what we need. Another young-pretty-white-people-in-New York show. How could we ever get enough of those! But, I kept hearing about it and when we decided to give it a try we sort of hated most of the main characters...and found them fascinating. Creator/writer/producer/star Lena Dunham has given us the most confused, self-absorbed group of fuck-ups who still manage to be watchable that I've ever seen. They are brutally aware of their friends' foibles while being blind to their own. They also constantly get themselves into funny bits of odd trouble that you simply can't look away from. In short? They're young, stupid and human. I enjoy Girls a LOT more than my young-pretty-white-people-in-New York barometer should allow me to, which is a huge testament to the joys that lie herein. This is also over for the year; watch on HBO GO. Or, wait until the first season DVD comes out. Favorite Line: "I know all the dick moves, OK? Don't be a dick."



3) Episodes

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Episodes is, by far, one of the funniest shows that's come along in recent years. If you haven't heard already, Matt LeBlanc (yeah, Joey from Friends) stars as an uber-douchey version of himself in this show about the making of a sitcom. We get a view of the unbelievably hard work that goes into making even the most mediocre of TV shows, all while providing steady laughs when the characters inevitably blow up their own lives. This one's still playing on Showtime for a few weeks, but there's a whole first season available on DVD for you to catch up on. Favorite Line: "Well, I guess things did get kinda blowy and sucky."



What shows do you look forward to every week?

Unnecessary Government Decisions

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By now you've likely heard that Mayor Bloomberg wants to turn NYC into an area somewhat free of large sugary drinks.

I understand his motives, but we all know this is bullshit, right? As has been said many times today, there's nothing to stop someone from buying two or more smaller drinks. Or, for that matter, buying a giant bottle of their favorite evil drink at WalMart and pouring it into a travel mug as needed.

But, there's something bigger that bothers me about this. When will people learn that we need to be allowed to make our own bad decisions, especially when those decisions don't hurt anyone else?

The way I see it, everything is a muscle. If you never pick anything up, you'll eventually lose the ability to pick things up because you aren't strong enough. The more basic, personal choices are regulated and taken away from us, the more I believe people will lose the ability to decide simple things for themselves. The less we use our brains, the worse off we all are.

Also, let's not pretend it'll cost nothing to regulate every cup of sugary whatever at every convenience store, gas station, sit down eatery and fast food joint in NYC. The local government will get bigger, sillier and more expensive. Which always leads to needing more tax dollars. Which leads to people having less of their income to spend and businesses having less money to hire and pay workers.

And, let's not forget that anything milk based is exempt from this proposed move. Because we all know that milkshakes are essentially a health food.

I'm going to say something now that's going to sound really bitchy and horrible. Here it goes:

Remember way, way back when all governments did was fight wars and make sure folks didn't murder each other in the street for no reason? If you made a bunch of really dumb-ass decisions in a row at least one of three things would happen: you'd get sick/become incapacitated, you'd die or someone would kill you. You would, in some way, be rendered unable to reproduce anymore and your particular brand of shitty, bad-choice-making genes would be wiped from the Earth. Likely providing a very good lesson to anyone who watched you do stupid shit and then cease to exist.

An example? On Sunday night I had a Whopper, small fries and a small soda for dinner. Monday, HUBS made burgers and fries at home for lunch. Tuesday? I was sick as a dog. Message received. Never again for me.

I'm not saying that we should never help anyone out ever. I am saying that if, in 2012, you're an adult who doesn't know or care that having a lot of sugary drinks isn't good for you, maybe you should be allowed to get sick because of it. Maybe it'll teach you something when you become diabetic and need to have your foot amputated. Just. Maybe.

And, fuck, if you don't get the point then what are we supposed to do with you? Assign a government appointed health Nazi to keep you on the straight and narrow?

I can't imagine that would be cheap.

Person Of Interest Has a Problem...

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Fall TV has quickly become Winter TV as 2011 winds down. I'm going to talk tomorrow about how the new shows are faring creatively and what I'm looking forward to in the mid-season, but today we need to discuss CBS' Person of Interest.

I basically like the show. I think it's a great premise; the idea being that post 9/11 the US government wanted a super-efficient way to track the shit out of terrorist suspects and found such a way, but that it's also being used on the sly by its creator and a damaged ex-CIA badass to stop the small-scale acts of terrorism (muggings, rapes, random homicides) that we all pray to avoid each day.

I'm enjoying Taraji P. Henson as the cop that's trying to track them down and Michael Emerson as a non-creepy scientist. There is one problem, though.

Jim Caviezel is too, too, too intense.

And, look, I know his character is supposed to be kinda intimidating and serious and a bit damaged. I get it. But I think his deadpan portrayal is turning the show into a downer.

I didn't really notice it at first. HUBS pointed out his unwavering seriousness to me as we watched one night. It's too much and it's heightened by the fact that the writers give him the occasional pithy one-liner, which is supposed to lighten the mood...And be amusing. But it never is, because Caviezel says pretty much everything in monotone and with the stone-cold look of a killer on his face.

So, keep everything else the same, but have Jim brighten up just a titch. I do believe that would make for a perfect show.