You Have Reasons To Be Excited!

I've been meditating at work. See, I need something to keep me focused on positive stuff during the breaks between calls (which can last anywhere from a few seconds to 10 minutes). I wrote down some affirmations to repeat to myself in the down time. They do seem to be helping me deal with work.

Last night as I was repeating one of my sayings (I have reasons to be excited) I realized that I was actually feeling sadder and sadder. So I made a list of my reasons to be excited.

Here goes:
-we're closer to fall
-we have $115 extra coming to us this month
-we might get into consumer credit counseling or debt relief
-I won't be doing this job for much longer
-I've done this work now and know I never want to do it again
-I've had another book idea & started working on it
-I still have gas in my car
-I might finish a book I got from the library in time to return it in two days
-I have a car
-we have pet food & litter to last a couple weeks
-we have shelter & some food
-I have a free career counseling session scheduled (for today, actually)
-found job & photo selling opportunities online over the weekend (thanks Sugar!)
-we are healthy and not dead
-no one has died for a while (As I wrote this one I was afraid I was jinxing it. Sure enough, HUBS and I found a very small black kitten in the road last night, he'd been hit by a car. Just a few hours after writing how nice it was to not have death hovering over us, there he was laying in the street. I picked him up and said a little blessing, but can't for the life of me think of a name for the little guy. I hope he went quickly.)

The net effect is that I wrote all this cool stuff that I've got going for me (we've got going for us) and yet when one bad thing happened it really did ruin what was left of my night.

I pray that you all have reasons to be excited that make the bad stuff bearable.

Happy Wednesday :)

Ick

Prettiest fungus ever.

I've been working pretty steadily for about 6 weeks now. Time at work=money for us. But it also seems to equal something else.

In those past 6 weeks I've gotten more rashes, zits that won't go away and funguses than ever before. You already knew I worked in a filthy warehouse, now my body knows it too.

I itch more than ever before and in strange places. Thigh and neck areas that don't even touch the filth. (Although, we worked with fiberglass a couple of weeks ago and I did manage to get some in my neck. Yay.) Also? Every skin issue I've ever had has re-occurred recently. That means that all at one fucking time I've been subjected to athletes foot, jock itch (Yes! So feminine and sexy!), and a yeast infection. And, I'm pretty sure the mole on my neck that's been the same small size for five years is actually growing.

I am now a living petri dish of awesome.

Thankful, Grateful, Good

On the days I work (not as often as I need to, unfortunately) I often have intense moments of fatigue or job-hatred. Last month I started combating this by concentrating on thoughts of the things I'm grateful for or appreciate in my life.

A brief list of those things:

A walk on a beach in South Carolina at dawn.

HUBS. Especially when he does silly, funny, nerdy, nice things.

A long, hot bath filled with bubbles where I read lots of magazines and shrivel up nicely.

Healthy cats. Inside and outside the house.

A good meal, home-cooked or not.

Dessert.

Naps.

Magic hour (am and pm).

Doing what I need to do when I need to do it.

Surprise money.

Laughing.

My own creativity.

Inspiration.

Good new things.

Meditation.

Pink, purple, sequins and glitter!

What's good in your life right now?

What Just Happened?

You don't want a photo of what this post is actually about. Really...

So, I was at work today. Doing my thing, everything was going fine. Then, I looked down at the table I was working at. I saw a small black oval surrounded by what looked like a water stain. Using a calculator, I moved it further back on the table. It rolled. Then I used a small box I'd never have to pick up to see if it was...well, soft. It was.

God Dammit. I knew the warehouse I worked in wasn't the fucking cleanest place on earth. I mean, there's a roach trap on the kitchen counter, after all. But this... Looks like a turd. Rolls like a turd. Smashes like a turd. Shit, y'all. I found a TURD on the table at work!

Granted, finding one is better than finding many. And finding small animal (or large insect) droppings is better than finding the human variety. But this? Totally uncalled for. I felt hot, dizzy and sick to my stomach for the rest of the work day.

Fucking turd...

Stress

I feel your pain, Zebra. I feel your pain...

First off let me report that I'm working again. The warehouse called me back almost two weeks ago and then made me a permanent temp (meaning no more getting called off when they run out of work, I go in every day.) So, for the meantime HUBS and I have some hope of financial survival.

For the past two years (yes, it's been a full TWO YEARS since I left my job in the hopes of finding my true work) living without a second steady income in the house has been exceptionally difficult. There's been depression, anger, massive anger, sadness, extreme sadness, hopelessness and every other negative emotion you can imagine.

Mostly, though, there's just been stress. Stress for me. Stress for HUBS. Stress for the air around us at any given moment. They say stress can cause physical symptoms and after two years of dealing with high levels of it, I completely believe it.

In these past two years I've:

1) Had a significant portion of my hair fall out.
2) Suffered extremely disturbing nightmares on an almost nightly basis.
3) Gotten the flu even though I rarely leave the house.
4) Gotten food poisoning three times, when I had previously only had it four times in the past 33 years.
5) Had chest pains that went away as soon as I got called back to the warehouse.
6) Had liver problems.
7) Been diagnosed with a skin condition I'd never heard of but my dermatologist says is quite common, pityriasis rosea, which causes dry, dark, itchy blotches over large areas of the torso (yes, it's as sexy as it sounds).
8) Suffered through a period in 2008 with a weeping wound in a very personal area that was caused by God-only-knows-what (again, so, so sexy).
9) Had several bouts of severe lower back pain.
10)Had random stomach pains.
11)Gotten bloody noses because of dried up nostrils/sinuses.
12)Gotten more chin hairs that required yanking (I know this is more likely due to aging, but at this point how is stress not a good thing to blame?)
13)Lost most interest in sex.
14)Spent a period of two weeks where I woke up from a good night's sleep crying every. single. morning.
15)Stomach problems that led to bathroom problems which led to lots of plunging and me deciding to buy stock in whoever makes Quilted Northern to possibly get some of my money back.

I may have even forgotten some stuff, but this is a pretty complete list that takes us up to now. Since the new year I've been meditating, deep breathing and trying to concentrate on the basis of what I want for me and HUBS: for us to be healthy, wealthy and happy. It's actually helping me deal with the stress of having another job I dislike to make money and dig us out of our unemployment-caused financial hole. I actually feel happier and less freaked out.

And I'm looking for better paying work (I only get $7.50 an hour at the warehouse). I interviewed last week for a receptionist job at a radio station. That'll pay lots more and I won't have to stand all day. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

What has extreme stress caused in you before?

Update: I totally forgot about October's athlete's foot travesty. Holy Jesus, y'all! I would literally wake up in the middle of the night because my feet itched so bad. God, I'm glad that's over.

There's A Bug In My Bubble Wrap

As you've heard by now, I finally landed a job. It's not bad - I spend most of my days now packing boxes, or collating papers or mailing envelopes. But, that first day was rough.

I started last Tuesday, through one of the many temp agencies I'm signed with. The agency lady told me I'd be standing, so I wore my tennis shoes. I ended up truly standing for 6 hours and 45 minutes (my work day minus lunch and breaks). I was not fully prepared. And it wasn't just the standing that did me in.

At first I was kinda happy. I have a job! I thought as I folded boxes. As the day wore on, though, I started really thinking about how I was now, finally making a living. Assembling cardboard boxes? Collating papers and packets? Working on a conveyor belt?

At one point while we were packaging and shipping (expensive) products someone lost a mailing label and we all had to go through our trash bins. That was the final straw (along with my growing ankle and foot pain). All I could think then was This is it? This is my life now? This is the best I could do?

It was exactly the mindless, meaningless work I left my old job to get away from. Only this was way lower pay for even less meaning and I had to stand all day.

I could feel an angry cry coming on. I went home and tried to calm down. Way back in 2000 I used to meditate. So I got out my book and decided to try again. It felt good in the moment, but by the time HUBS got home with inquires about my day I was driven to one of my classic fits of anger and depression. Really, it was so lovely.

In the week and two days since then, I've been trying to focus on the positive: I have a job, I'll be getting paid every week, I have a reason to leave the house and wake up in the morning, the drive is only about 15 minutes each way, this job came along right when we were dangerously close to being totally out of credit...And not focus on the negatives.

OHMMMMMMMM....Serenity. I am bigger than this job....OHMMMMMMM

This Is What Happens When HUBS Is Stressed

So, this week has been insane for HUBS and I. Due to construction at the school he works for, he now has ONE FREAKIN WEEK to do THREE WEEKS WORTH of work. This have driven HUBS to severe fits of construction-man anger over the past month. And, because I am a lovely human being who didn't want to see her husband go insane, I offered to help.

On Monday we worked 13 and 1/2 hours (with meal breaks, of course). I was riotously exhausted that night but couldn't, for some reason go to sleep when I hit the bed. HUBS was pumped from getting a good start on all the work and tried to get me to sleep. Turning off the tv, turning on the tv, turning the tv volume down. At one point he put it on a Berenstain Bears cartoon on PBS and, apparently, I finally drifted right off after hours of torturous non-sleep.

Then, about an hour later, I got a poke in the shoulder from HUBS. He had something to tell me. I looked at him.

HUBS: (grinning wildly from ear to ear, eyes wide open and pointing downward as he lay in the bed staring at me) WHO'S GOT BALLS??!!

citygirl: (looking at the HUBS crotch, seeing nothing out of the ordinary) What?

HUBS: WHO'S GOTTT BAAAALLLLLS?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! (maniacal giggling)

I didn't say another word. In fact, all I did was turn over and go back to sleep. But I remember thinking "This is how stress fucks with you? Really? God dammit!"

Let me tell you, internet, the next morning was quite interesting. HUBS had to take me out to breakfast for that one...

Revelation

I was reading this today and I think I had a breakthrough.

Maybe I can't find a job because that's not what I want. I had "a job" and hated it for 8 of the 9 years and 5 months I was there - no matter what I did. I left that place because I wanted more than just "a job." I wanted to enjoy my work. I wanted to actually use my brain and talents. I wanted freedom. I wanted better money for work I enjoyed and couldn't wait to do.

So, if this is my block to finding work, what does it mean? We need money, another real income, but I will never be happy with "a job." What do I do? Do I stop praying for exactly the thing I don't want (because the Universe knows I don't really want it anyway)? Do I go back to praying for meaningful work I can enjoy? Even if it means I don't work again for another year?

What the hell do I do???