I Am Nothing If Not A Sobbing Heap

I'm really glad I didn't post yesterday. I was feeling pretty good after the cat stuff on Tuesday. The Trapper was back, but no one took the bait. In fact this is as serious as it got:



That's Mollie sitting on top of a trap. There was lots of nuzzling and sniffing and sitting on, but no getting caught in traps. Apparently that was just because the universe knew I couldn't handle seeing it two days in a row. Know what the first thing I saw was when I woke up this morning and looked out my bedroom window? A cat getting caught in a trap.

I couldn't deal anymore. I called Animal Control to see if they can legally use our property for this. The chick behind the desk called Trapper who called the cops. Yes, the cops. Who then knocked on my door, with Trapper in tow, and explained how diseased and horrible the strays are and how coyotes feed off of them and how he's an animal lover too and he knows I just feel for them.

But, if I'm feeding them, I'm in violation of laws and they consider them my cats and I have to stop feeding them. And, Trapper will be outside my home every day for the next seven days doing her thing. If, on the seventh day cats are still coming around we'll get citations for each law we're breaking for each cat she sees.

So, there you have it. No more feeding the cats. I'm upset, angry, despondent, pissed I ever agreed to like cats at all. Three pieces of good news? HUBS and I will save about $20 a month not feeding the strays; they'll likely stop showing up within three days, so we are unlikely to get any tickets; and, we did pick up Julia last night. She's currently sequestered in our basement until we can get her shots/bathed/de-wormed/tested for various illnesses.

Here's my question: how would Trapper feel if she'd been locked in a cage for six days and then been expected to act perfectly nice and pleasant? Considering that she's already severely sawed off, she'd probably behave like a raging bitch-on-fire who'd have to be immediately put down. How exactly are the cats supposed to fare any better, on average?

I know there's no perfect solution, other than everybody keeping their animals spade/neutered and inside their houses, but this still sucks Trapper ass.

Though, I do feel good about Julia.

Oh. That Finally Makes Some Sense.

I bet HUBS looked like this when he got his allowance as a kid. Then he went and blew it all on his first Playboy.

Somewhere around May 7 I got another call from the unemployment people. I have to say this was the first conversation I'd had with them since they took my benefits away where the person on the other end made the whole situation make sense.

Here's what the guy told me: I had two pools of money available that they could give me benefits from, and part of the investigation process was to see which I was eligible for. One stash was from an extension on my original claim, that I was eligible for immediately (YES!!!), the other was government money that I'd only be able to get if I was actually an employee somewhere (as opposed to doing freelance work). To get that money I'd need to make $1300 as an actual employee.

Another thing I didn't know? You can only file for unemployment against a company one time, and get those benefits for one year (unless you qualify for an extension of those benefits). If you're making a new claim, it has to be with a new company.

It took a while for me to really understand what he was saying to me. But he was blissfully patient. It all boiled down to HUBS and I getting a huge deposit (from all the weeks we got nothing) on the day we did BOWL STROLL 2009!!! We'll actually be ok for a little bit.

Thank God.

How Could I Have Known?

How I feel: I'm stuck in a tree with my tail in the air and I'm flashing my big orange balls to the world.

Remember how I said I made a huge mistake last Wednesday, without any clue it was going to be a mistake? Well, not only did I not realize I was about to do something stupid, I actually thought I was going to be helping our financial situation. Here goes...

After calling Citibank (they still haven't called me back, by the way) I was feeling bold and decided to do something I'd been meaning to do for a couple months. I called our bank to see about lowering the interest rate on our credit card with them. The only reason we even have the card is because we kept overdrawing our bank account due to my unemployment and getting the card was the only way to have overdraft protection. If your account gets low, they give you a cash advance from the card to cover your checks/payments/bills/what-have-you.

So, this card now has an almost $2500 balance. We pay $20 a week and the interest rate fluctuates between 20% and an astronomical 65% (no, I am not exaggerating). Here, much to my dismay, is what happened:

citygirl: Yeah, I wanted to see if we could lower our interest rate.

credit card bank lady: Ok, let me ask you some financial questions.

ccbl: (after questions about our jobs and income) Alright, I can't lower your interest rate right now because you're only using the card for cash advances. But, I have to tell you that I did lower your credit limit to $2500.

citygirl: Ok...Wait...What?

ccbl: I had to lower the credit limit on the card. With your lack of income right now I can't justify having any more money put on this card. If things change you can always call and ask to have the limit raised.

citygirl: So...Wait. You're saying we now only have $84 left on this card, because you reduced our $8000 limit to $2500, which is right near our current balance. So we have no more cushion?

ccbl: Yes. I'm sorry, it's just not good business for us to have you use this card any more.

citygirl: Ok. Ok...Bye?

I think she may have apologized again before hanging up. So, let me break down what just happened. HUBS and I used to have a cushion if we were running out of money in our bank account to pay for stuff. Now...We don't. All because I just wanted to lower our ridiculous interest rate. That bitch at the credit card took away the cushion. Now if we overdraw our account it'll be just like old times: a $35 charge for going over + whatever the amount is we were trying to pay. Yay!

I managed to remain calm until I got off the phone. And then I started to panic. I called HUBS to let him know what happened and apologized, "How could you have known?" he said.

The more I talked to HUBS the angrier I got and the more I wished I had cursed out the ccbl. No, it wouldn't have done any good, but what did I have to lose at that point? I have literally been daydreaming, all week since then, about the things I should have said to that heifer. Times like these are exactly why God did not give me the power of a witch, because that woman would now be newly unemployed and homeless and if she has a husband he'd be unemployed too. Also, I think I'd make her bald and fat and toothless for good measure.

Holy Jesus, my heart is racing now thinking about it again. All of our credit cards are almost maxed out and now if we overdraw the account we'll just be totally fucked.

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Again with Wednesdays. I have been without unemployment for three weeks and we are suffering financially. I decided to call the UE people again and see what I could do to clear this shit up so I can actually get the money in my UE account.

I was determined to stay calm. This was the first time in a long while that I got a black lady on the phone. She told me the longest part of the review program was over, so that's good. I asked who I could talk to to finally take care of this, and here's how it went:

UE black lady: No one. I'm sorry, but there's a whole process to this and there were people ahead of you. But the longest part of the review is over, so someone should call you any day now and that'll be it.

citygirl: Ok, so, you're sure I can't just talk to somebody and end this right now? I mean, I have no money and I can't find a job and we can't pay our bills. (crying now) I worked for 10 years at one place and I applied at Target and Best Buy but they won't hire me. No one will. I don't know what to do.

UE black lady: Oh honey, I understand, I like to be proactive too and take care of things any way possible as soon as possible, but there's just no way.

citygirl: (crying harder now) See, this started because when I applied for my new extension I answered one stupid question wrong and instead of listing my last full time job I listed my stupid freelance job because they were the last people to pay me. There wasn't a place for me to explain my situation. They wanted all these blanket answers...

UE black lady: Oh, yeah. That'll do it. Anytime there's different information it flags the system and then they have to go through all the reviews and it just takes as long as it takes.

citygirl: (sobbing) So, I have to wait? And, by the time they get everything cleared up I could be out of my house and on the streets. That's how this works?

UE black lady: I am so sorry, but you really can't do anything. I know it seems like we don't care, but we have a process for everything and we have to follow it. Listen, just live your life. Enjoy your family and your friends and live your life. You will be alright. Ok? I'm going to pray for you. You'll be alright.

citygirl: (sobbing and dissolving simultaneously, it's really fun - you should try it) Um (deep breath so I can keep speaking), ok. Ok. Thanks for (more deep breathing) talking to me. Bye.

UE black lady: No problem, sweetheart. Bye, now.

See? This is what I'm talking about. Even though I was crying and hurting and angry she managed to somehow make it a little bit better. This black lady should train all the other UE phone people on how to talk to the distressed unemployed, and she should get a ton of money to do it, too. She may not actually care, but she was able to make it sound like she did. Her voice was calm and clear and she never sounded irritated, rushed or frustrated with me. I love you, UE black lady.

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After our conversation I got proactive. I looked around for paid online survey companies and signed up. I made a list of places I haven't applied to that I need to look into. I called Citibank and asked for help with our currently $400+ monthly bill and they're scheduled to call me back today with a new payment plan. I vacuumed every room and the baseboards and even got up all the random cat fluff along the walls that the vacuum doesn't usually get.

I was on a roll. And then I did something stupid. Without any idea that it was going to be stupid.

More on that later.

editor's note: Why is it that when I type "black angel" into a google image search I get all the demonic, scary pictures? Why was it necessary for me to type in "african american angel"? I swear, white people kill me...

Sex and Popcorn

You know, I've had quite the fuzzy-headed day. I woke up insanely early for an unemployed person (7:27 am), because I had to try to get through to the MO unemployment people. I did not get my money this week, I got a letter saying they had some questions and would call me Monday. But, I wanted to try to get this ball rolling again ASAP.

Guess what? After getting up early, holding for about 10 minutes (not that bad for them) and talking to a chick, I still have no idea what the problem is. I have to wait for the call on Monday. I'm pretty nervous about this, especially since the phone chick was all "Wow, they usually don't need more info for an extension. I really don't know what this could be", after I read her the letter they sent. Thanks MO UE chick, I'm pretty sure I'd be tons better at your job than you.

I stayed up for a bit, playing online, eating biscuits and doing a load of laundry. Then I got into bed with a couple Shape magazines I needed to return to the library today with HUBS still asleep (he took today off). I now realize again why I can't read Shape and Self. Too many bitches losing weight and keeping it off. It's depressing.

You know what's been bugging me for almost a month now? My tailbone. After sitting in bed or on the couch too long it starts to hurt like hell. What does that mean? And who the fuck do I call to get it to stop?

Here's how the rest of my day went:

read magazines
slept
ate lunch
napped on couch
returned things to library right before close
took cash out of atm so i can pay therapist tomorrow and hair dresser next weekend
watched McClintock! with HUBS and discovered it was ass
had MADHOT SEX SEX SEXY TIME
ate Orville Redenbacher Buttery Salt and Pepper popcorn
blog
made HUBS make us french fries...

Now! HUBS, make fries NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

Opportunities: All Dried Up

I've had a long and stressful two weeks since HUBS' birthday. Let's start with the first issue, shall we?

By Friday the 13th I was dangerously close to my unemployment running out and not knowing yet if I was getting another extension. (The geniuses at the Missouri unemployment office refuse to tell you if you get an extension until your current balance runs out. So, if you, like I did, have $64 left in your account, you won't be able to find out if you get more help until that pitiful-non-bill-paying money has been given to you, leaving no time to scramble for anything that pays. Fuckers.)

I decided to use my ace-in-the-hole and called the temp agency I signed up with in November. Here's how that went:

citygirl: I signed with you a couple months ago and wanted to start working.

agency chick: Ok. What kind of salary were you looking for?

citygirl: Fifteen dollars an hour.

agency chick: Oh, well, we don't have anything at that rate right now.

citygirl: Alright. What do you have now?

agency chick: We've got customer service jobs for $8 an hour.

citygirl: Oh...Uh...Well...Wow...That's less than I get from unemployment...And I can barely pay my bills now...(has stroke, panic attack and wets herself simultaneously)

I think I managed to finish with something about calling them back if I change my mind and hanging up quickly. What the fuck, y'all? I started shaking and began to cry hysterically. What the hell do I do now?

I called HUBS at work, still crying. He tried to calm me down, like always, but it didn't work. All I could think was, I had a job and left it, what the shit did I do to myself?

The following Monday I applied for a bunch of jobs through Office Team. They called me in for their testapalooza which lasted for 2 or 3 hours just like at the other temp agency. I lowered my asking price to $10 an hour, the equivalent of my unemployment. Again, I did good on everything. I called this Monday to get work. They said they'd call when they had something for me.

It's Friday at 3:47 pm. Guess who hasn't gotten a call fucking yet?

Luckily, I did get a 13 week unemployment extension.

Every time I have hope it just blows away in the winter wind.