Tuesday Tipday: Don't Prostitute Your Daughters

In many cases, a covering up is apropos.

But, you knew that already. Right?

?!?!?!

...


Oh, what the HELL?!

Just...sigh...

Recent Indignities

A young, pageant-winning Lady O. Photo from here.

Do you guys do Oprah? Did you catch the two day lovegasm with all the famous people in the stadium filled with fans? I'm not sure I liked it.

And, it's not that I don't like Oprah. I lurves me some Oprah. It's also not the fact that she had all the famous people come out and say how amazing she is; shit, she is amazing! I think it's just that, even if she really is friends with most of those glitterati and they really do capital-L-love love her, I couldn't tell it from many of them by watching those shows.

Now, I know the producers wanted things to go smoothly and be interesting, and for them not to all say the same damn stuff, but, for the most part, none of their words seemed to really come from the heart. They all read from the teleprompter and it didn't even (mostly) sound like their own words/feelings. Mostly? It all felt a bit canned. Oh well, today's last episode was preempted due to new tornadic activity, but I'll be up at 3 a.m. to watch the finale when it airs. We'll see if that hits an emotional touchstone for me.



Speedos? Really self-assured in our flabby old age, aren't we? Photo here.

In other news, this Ah-nold screwing-the-help stuff is killing me. How dare he! Right? And, how dare she! I mean, dammit, now I'll never be able to watch Terminator, Total Recall or Running Man without being slapped (figuratively, ahem) in the face by his errant Austrian adultering penis! Damn you, Ah-nold! Damn you for ruining some classic sci-fi! (And, you know, your family.)

Did I Tell You About My Teeth?

This must be another of the signs that my body is giving me to show that I'm getting old.

I used to be able to brush my teeth like a normal person. Brush for a bit, swirl some mouth wash around, maybe floss, and in about two minutes I was done. Then, out of nowhere, around January my gums started to hurt. I was scheduled for a dentist visit anyway and told him about it when I went.

He did his dentist thing and started poking around with that little silver hook, and my gums started to gush blood (Sorry!). I was shocked and oh so massively horrified. See, I've always had really good teeth. I've never had so much as a cavity. My dentist even calls me Miss Perfect. It just never occurred to me that I'd ever have chomper trouble. Then, at my latest visit about two months ago, the final verdict: I had...Gingivitis!!!

I've had to develop a very serious and rather lengthy regimen to keep my gums from getting torn apart when I brush. I brush for the complete recommended two minutes, then I floss, then I gargle for the complete recommended one minute, all while walking in place. (Two birds to kill, and all that.)

Believe me when I say it feels like it takes longer than three to four minutes. I have to brush very, very gingerly to avoid irritating my still raw gums. Though I am happy to say they no longer bleed.

On the plus side? I still totally have teeth! I. AM. AWESOME!

Happy weekend everybody!

I Didn't Tell You About The Ants, Did I?

Last Sunday was awesome. I cannot tell you guys how wonderful it is to walk into your kitchen at 10 am on a Sunday morning to find ants swarming all over the counter, sink, stove and cabinets. Actually, I can tell you: IT WAS HORRIFYING.

Now, for the past couple of months I'd seen ants here and there around the house. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I did something about it by drawing a chalk outline around all the windows (I saw this work - ants really don't like chalk), which is where I figured they were coming from. I didn't see any ants for a few days and then BAM! Kitchen Ant Farm City.

As you can imagine this was way worse than having a couple of ants in the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Since, you know, the kitchen in where our food is. I had to spray the sink, counter tops, cabinets and floors about three times in two days, and it took until last Friday for me to stop seeing any ants at all. And, at the same time all this was going on, we discovered we have an actual fucking hole in our bathroom sink pipe. Since nothing is ever easy around here, the hole is in the pipe that goes into the wall, not the one we could easily replace. Yay!

Home ownership is such a joy, isn't it?

Ick, Ick and More Ick

All right, this one ain't so bad.

Because of all the incidents lately with spiders, I was thinking the other day about all the stuff that freaks/icks me out. And since I love you guys, here's a list:

1) Bugs. By "bugs" I mean anything with more than four legs or less than two. We're talking spiders, centipedes, mosquitoes, dragon flies, worms, maggots, roaches and various other critters. Having said this, some of these are worse than others. I mean, if a cricket landed on my foot briefly I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't exactly want to kill myself either. But, to be touched by, say, a cockroach? I'm dying just thinking aobut it.

2) Flying things. This is kinda part of #1, except that I have issues with anything with wings. Meaning? Lady bugs, butterflies, moths, birds of all ilk, and airplanes are included. And yes, I understand that butterflies are pretty and lady bugs are harmless (some folks even believe they bring good luck) and the occasional bird can be gorgeous. This does not change their "Holy God!" factor when I'm minding my own business and they suddenly start to circle.

3) Clowns. Let's not pretend that there's no evil under all that makeup. If you've read It by Stephen King or seen the movie...You know just what the fuck I'm talking about.

4) Snails. We came home a couple of night ago to find two of the little slime balls on our porch. Can you believe some people eat these things? How desperate for food do you have to be to see one of these slimy, stalk-eyed blobs and go "Fry it up, Frank. I can't wait for a cow to happen by anymore." Blech...

5) Squid and octopi. Again, people eat this crap. And get all excited about the ink! the ink! God, what is wrong with the world? I can see eating these when you had no choice, but now? Isn't there a McDonald's near you?

6) Raw or rare meat. This disgusts me so that, when cooking, I won't touch raw meat/fish/poultry. I mean it. I use knives, forks, whatever, but will NEVER EVER touch this stuff with bare hands. Also? How do reasonably sane people eat meat running through with blood? I'll tell you how. They. Are. Crazy.

7) Wet hair. If it's attached to your head, fine. If it's circling the drain or hanging off a towel...I'm dry heaving.

8) Sweat. For some reason there are folks who find sweaty people erotic or something. Well, let's get this straight: I don't care how good looking you are, if you're sweaty you stink and if you stink I want no part of you until you clean yourself up. Mmmm'kay?

9) Bodily fluids. No one needs details here, do you? Let me say, though, I don't know how parents do it. With the children and the diapers and the spit-up and the snot...God...Dry...Heave...

10) Dirty bathrooms. Oh Jesus, guys. I have seen some horrendous public bathrooms. Like when I went on a geology field trip in college to some state cave site. The bathroom was literally just a hole in the ground. And there was smoke coming up out of it. What? Really state park? This is the level best you can do? Or at some boardwalk in Florida when I was about 10. There were no stalls, and the ENTIRE BATHROOM (toilets included) was covered in graffiti and...other...things. My mom and I waited about two hours to pee that day.

He Loves Them More Than Me

Again with the critters.

HUBS and I took off for Target in Beesley (his yellow car) last night. I was driving and again I was fighting off a spider on my window. It was on the side-view at first and I tried to kill it, but missed. After rolling up my window and taking off, it wedged itself between the window and the little flap that keeps the window sealed.

Luckily, as long as we kept moving it stayed put. I was actually able to remain calm. There was minimal screaming and absolutely no crying. Yay, me! I mean, until I stopped the car in the parking lot at Target. Then I went insane.

citygirl: Ohhhhhhh, my God it's running get out and kill it get out and kiiiillll ittttt!!!!!!!!

HUBS: Ok, ok. Calm down, I need a napkin or something.

citygirl: AHHHHHHHHHCCKCKCKCKCKCK!! Moving running ACCCKCKCKCKCKAACACACACKKKKK!

HUBS: Alright, geez. I'm out...

Then, you guys, the unthinkable happened. HUBS had a very simple set of instructions: get out of the car, kill the spider. Um...he KNOCKED IT OFF THE CAR. With his precious napkin.

I'm like, what did you just do? You know what happened last week, how the hell do you not JUST KILL THE FUCKING SPIDER? HUBS actually watched it skitter off, to terrorize another day. I bet it crawled back onto his car. Why would it not? Nobody bothered to teach it a lesson, right?

Fine, HUBS. I see how you are. Just wait until the next time you're being attacked by wild dogs or something. Do you think you'll get any dog-killing power outta me? No sir. No sir, not at all...

What Have I Become?

The yellow car is the culprit.

Oh my God, you guys. I was going to tell you about last weekend for my next blog post, but what happened last night is much more interesting.

HUBS and I were on our way out to Qdoba for dinner. We had a two-for-one coupon and were very excited about the prospect of a semi-cheap din-din. Since HUBS had just gotten home from work, he requested that I drive his car, which I did.

So, we were almost on the highway when I noticed a spider on my window, right near the top where it was open a little. Now, if you remember, me and spiders in cars do NOT GET ALONG. I'm busy trying to drive so I can't kill them and I hate that. I feel powerless to stop the infestation, and me no likey that.

I started to freak a some, but not too bad. It was small, and not a black widow or anything , so not that immediately terrifying. HUBS tried to help me out. But, instead of grabbing one of the million-and-one napkins on his side of the car and killing it, he tried to flick it out the window. This, my friends, is when ALL TOTAL HELL broke loose. Our nemesis the spider DID NOT get sent outside.

IT FLEW INTO THE CAR. IT. WAS. ON. ME!

I find it really hard to explain what happened next. We were on the highway and I was driving and I saw the enemy land on me, but did not know where. I began to panic. And not a little "Oh crap!" kind of panic, but full-on panic attack type panic. Really. I immediately started to cry. And hard, too, people. Tears are streaming down my face, I'm shaking and screaming and cursing and acting like a total punk.

HUBS' initial reaction was to giggle a bit. I don't blame him, though, because I was acting so crazy that he thought I was overacting for effect. When he saw the tears, he knew what was up - I was a lunatic and needed to be calmed down before I killed us both.

Two things made this worse: There was no shoulder, so I couldn't just pull over. I had to wait for the first exit and find a place to stop. Also? I knew I was acting insane, but couldn't stop it. I would start to calm down, then think about the spider setting up shop in my hair or clothes or large intestine and begin to freak! out! again!

This ordeal only lasted about 5 minutes before I could pull over in a parking lot, but it felt like an eternity. I ripped off my sweatshirt (thank God for tank tops) and eventually HUBS found and killed the spider, which was on the back of my seat. As you can imagine, he had to drive once we finally got back in the car.

I have no fucking clue what happened to me! It's not like HUBS purposely threw a tarantula or a bucket of brown recluses on me. It was an accident! And a small, basically harmless spider! And I lost my mind with the shaking/crying/screaming travelling show.

The last time I acted like this I was in college and depressed and lonely and self-hating. HUBS thinks this might have something to do with "the store closing" soon. But I have never gotten this bent out of shape about anything just because of my monthly.

Holy crap. I hope this ain't a trend.