Music Monday: What In The Natural Hell

He won't be blowing any horns today...

Hello, all. Did you have good weekends? I certainly hope so, because I need to share a small story with you.

Yes, I took a blog break last week. That is not foremost in my mind right now. What is? The crazy morning I had in the first hour and 15 minutes of my day.

I woke up at 8:45. The first thing I noticed upon opening the bedroom door was that one of our cats had expelled a bit of furball. Not unusual for this lot. I commenced to checking all the carpet and pillows and furniture for more traces (Tux tends to start in one spot and then proceed to carry on all over the house), then headed to the bathroom for more inspection.

I parted the blinds to do my daily check of the garden, since I was near a garden-facing window. Wow, what did I see, you ask? A FREAKING DEAD ANIMAL LAYING RIGHT IN MY GARDEN. NEAR MY FUCKING VEGETABLES!

Now, in the past year I've seen two dead mice in the yard. One was even headless. That, however did not prepare me for what appeared to be a poor dead rabbit in the garden. Not. At. All.

I was honestly quite shaken and feeling a bit sick to my stomach. What happened? Why didn't whatever killed the poor thing carry it off and finish it? What if it was eating from my garden and something in there killed it?

More likely, there was a life and death struggle in my back yard sometime overnight. And we didn't hear it.

Actually, now that I think about it, hearing it wouldn't have done any good. If I'd heard a struggle in our back yard (which was pitch black last night), I wouldn't have gone out there. Who does that? Only big-boobed, blond horror movie women.

HUBS and I went out to get it up. Then, as soon as we open the back door, what do I see? TWO BIG-ASS FUCKING SNAKES RIGHT BY THE DECK! One had part of it's body in our basement window.

JESUS, NATURE! LEAVE ME ALONE, ALREADY! I GET IT, YOU RUN THIS BITCH!!

I was primed to stay on the deck, but HUBS couldn't get the rabbit on the shovel, so I had to go help him. Which, of course, meant that as soon as I stepped into our snake infested yard and got near him, he got the damn rabbit on the shovel (the poor thing died with it's eyes open).

We got it into a black trash bag I'd lined with grocery bags and poured vinegar over it to try to make sure nothing would mess with it before we could get the sanitation department out here to pick it up.

The only lucky moment? It waited to rain until after we got back inside. Well, that, and I suppose it was lucky that we didn't actually see the bunny I'm gong to call Bernard get attacked. Because, crap, what would we have done about that?

Wow, thanks for letting me vent. Music, now?

Yes, Please! More!

Yesterday it was so cool outside that we had to turn on our heater. I love cool weather! Now, I wouldn't mind it if we could sustain temps in the 60s (so I don't have to use my humidifier during extended periods of heater use), but I will take this over 108 degrees any day.

I'm already getting used to bundling up at night and curling up on the couch wearing my favorite, ratty old sweatshirt jacket that my mom got from the Gap for me almost 20 years ago. I'm looking forward to chili dinners, massive pots of stew and homemade soup and all the comfort food I can fit in my belly. Yay!

It rained for about a day and a half starting early morning Wednesday. Luckily, our sorta crappy basement only got a tiny bit wet and we finally got some drought relief. I think the rainy, cool day got to me a bit. You know how that type of weather makes for good sleeping? Well, I felt lazy and hazy all day. Aside from making chicken salad and a couple of pies, I got nothing done. Didn't even shower.

Today I tried to make it to a networking event before I headed out for one of my bartender interviews. I got a bit of a late start and was too out of it to even rush around getting ready. Do you know what I ended up doing? Writing down directions to get there, from the wrong set of highways.

Like, I live nowhere near those highways, and I just wrote it down like it was correct. Because of that I ended up not getting to the event. I just took off on my normal route like it was the right way. Then, as I was driving, I realized Oh, shit! This ain't right! Fuck! How do I get there! Dammit...Oh, well.

I know what my issue is. I need to start getting more sleep. I've been going to bed around 2 or 3 a.m. almost every night since we got back from vacation. What's my problem?

How do you blast a blah, foggy-headed day so you can get things done?

August 2009 - July 5 2011

Well, yesterday at around 11:30 am, Luanne passed away. It's not quite that simple, but I can't get into all the details right now.



I'm really sad. I feel like I'm sadder than when my grandmother, uncle or cousin died. I know time is severely compressed for cats, but they had all been sick for so long that the possibility of death seemed more imminent. Plus, I wasn't directly caring for any of them on a daily basis. Even though they were people and family, I think that proximity to illness is a factor in how much this hurts.



As you can see from the dates in the title, Luanne wasn't even two years old yet. What sucks is that just a couple of weekends ago (on June 24 and 25) she seemed to really be starting to adjust to her anemia. She started jumping around onto things and into windows that she'd ignored for weeks. She jumped up in my lap and curled up there for a bit. She even spent most of Saturday night that weekend in bed with HUBS and I. The power had gone out and I think she was nervous. After chasing a little flying creature around on our dresser in the light of a flashlight, she jumped right over to the bed and curled up between us.



It was pretty sudden, on Monday she was fine. On Tuesday morning she took a turn and died on us.


Luanne's most recent nickname was Poodle Paws

I'm always going to wonder if I had done just one, or two or maybe three things differently if she would still be with us. Long enough for her birthday at least. I am glad for the time we had with her, though.



And yet, I'm still really sad.

Cicada Crazy

Photo

Ok, nature. I know these things are only around for about six weeks every seven or thirteen or seventeen years, but, oh my! I am fucking tired of the noise and getting attacked every time I leave the house.

Monday seemed to be their peak day in our yard. They literally covered the trunk of our small tree and had infested all the branches and leaves. I got too close and ended up getting pelted with cicadas! (Alright, maybe it was just one. But having that thing hit me in the back was terrifying! Really!) I would have taken a picture of it for you, but I'm afraid to leave my damn house, you guys.



In other, cat related, news, Luanne had to have a bit of what I'm calling spa time over the Memorial Day weekend. And by spa time I mean time in the hospital from Friday night through Monday afternoon.

I had taken her to the vet specialist for some tests Friday morning. He took blood and did x-rays to make sure nothing else appeared to be wrong, since she's been lethargic and still isn't eating on her own. Then, he called me around 4 p.m. to tell me all her levels looked fine, except for her being anemic. Before I had a chance to ask where to get cat iron pills, he told me she'd need a blood transfusion. SAAAAAAAAAAAAY WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!

So, since they're closed on weekends, HUBS and I had to head off to yet another vet specialist hospital so Luanne could get her some spankin' new kitty blood. The doc thinks the anemia was caused by some blood borne bacteria or parasite that can lay dormant for quite a while. She got sick, her immune system was compromised and the bastard kicked in.

I take her back to our usual specialist tomorrow so they can recheck her levels, because she's still not eating on her own or moving around much. And now? Now she's also peed without going to the litter box twice. I'm afraid to let the chick sit down anywhere without a towel under her. Dammit...

I SURRENDER LUANNE'S HEALTH TO THE DIVINE!
I SURRENDER LUANNE'S HEALTH TO THE DIVINE!
I SURRENDER LUANNE'S HEALTH TO THE DIVINE!

Music Monday: Can We Please Be Done With Tornadoes Now?

Holy Nature Fuck! I cannot remember a worse tornado season than this one, seeing as how we started back on New Year's Eve with devastating storms and have barely had a breather since. HUBS and I and our folks have been incredibly blessed to have had every major storm in Missouri miss us. If you want to donate to help out any of the Missouri tornado victims from this year, you can do so here.

We also seem to be having a lot of earthquakes and other natural disasters around the world, don't we? It feels like every couple of weeks something major is happening somewhere that we can't control. The world may not have ended on Saturday, but doesn't seem like we're slowly falling apart?

Also falling apart? Our computers here at Citygirl Headquarters. My beloved laptop, Jezebel (I told you I love naming things), has been largely unreliable for months now. Sunday brought us a shocker, though, when HUBS turned his computer on, heard a pop and then saw smoke. The video card in his computer literally blew up! Never in a million years would I have guessed that his computer would explode before Jezebel! Never!

How's about we watch some music videos to take our minds off the terrible, Mmmkay?

And...We Have Kittens!

She did indeed have them on Monday. There's also a black one who had just vaulted over Miller's back to get to a nipple. Wrong way, dude!

I'll have more pics when they're less blind and wiggly.

Someone Needs To Reset Her Watch: Mother Nature, I'm Looking At You

We just sprang forward yesterday, and I realize that this is St. Louis and the weather is often fucked up and unpredictable, but damn! It was 65 degrees on Saturday and now it's snowing? It's March 14, for Christ's Sake!



I don't believe I've ever gone to bed with rain and woke up to snow like I did this morning. Even though I find this baffling, I do find snow better than a continuation of the sixth day of unrelenting rain in less than three full weeks.



That's right, I didn't go to bed until 4:35 am. I was working on a story and right when I was about to start on the edit, I thought taking a nap for a few hours would probably be best.



Why? Because, as is usually the case when I've had a lot of coffee to try to keep myself awake, I was feeling like I could throw up.



And, also? When I saw that bat fly out of my lamp, it seemed like sleep of any duration was likely the best thing for me.

I Didn't Tell You About The Ants, Did I?

Last Sunday was awesome. I cannot tell you guys how wonderful it is to walk into your kitchen at 10 am on a Sunday morning to find ants swarming all over the counter, sink, stove and cabinets. Actually, I can tell you: IT WAS HORRIFYING.

Now, for the past couple of months I'd seen ants here and there around the house. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I did something about it by drawing a chalk outline around all the windows (I saw this work - ants really don't like chalk), which is where I figured they were coming from. I didn't see any ants for a few days and then BAM! Kitchen Ant Farm City.

As you can imagine this was way worse than having a couple of ants in the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Since, you know, the kitchen in where our food is. I had to spray the sink, counter tops, cabinets and floors about three times in two days, and it took until last Friday for me to stop seeing any ants at all. And, at the same time all this was going on, we discovered we have an actual fucking hole in our bathroom sink pipe. Since nothing is ever easy around here, the hole is in the pipe that goes into the wall, not the one we could easily replace. Yay!

Home ownership is such a joy, isn't it?

Summertime

How was your July 4th? I hope it was all awesome and shit, 'cause mine totally was, despite the oppressive heat, excessive sunshine, rainstorm, dust storm, sweaty, salty, excessive walkingness of it all.

HUBS and I were planning a nice trip across the river to Alton IL for their probably laid-back, small town 4th fest. Then on Sunday when I was looking for all the details, we realized they do all their celebratory stuff BEFORE Independence Day. Shitty small town! You have lost our business! Be ashamed, Alton!

HUBS was determined to do something, so he scrambled and stumbled upon the happenings in O'Fallon MO. For absolutely no money we could park at a local high school, take a shuttle to their ballpark/recplex/superfuncenter watch Toad the Wet Sprocket, Eve 6, Five for Fighting and then see fireworks.

Ummm...Yes!



Toad the Wet Sprocket. Rock stars don't wear underwear, so they were probably safe.

We got there in plenty of time to set up beach towels on the lawn for Toad, but as much as I love them they were not enough to make me un-notice the ridiculous heat. I can honestly say it liquefied my panties. I had no underwear left, people. There was, blissfully, the occasional light breeze, but that damn sun was beating down like a muthafucka. Luckily, I had an umbrella to shade my sensitive self.

That umbrella also came in handy because it rained like an angry bitch for about three hours; one of which we spent under the only non-food or game related shelter in the area with roughly 100 other fest-goers. I don't think I've ever been trapped outside in the rain before. I swear, new experiences all the time around here. Interesting.



Waiting for the rain to slow down. It was nice to not sit on the ground for a while.

After listening to the second band (under my umbrella), getting some very good carnie food (BBQ chicken nachos and funnel cake) and watching HUBS take a picnic bench nap, I decided to do another pre-total-darkness photo walk while band #3 was on.




Can I just say? When I got back a little boy had sat beside my spot and, really, I couldn't tell which of us smelled worse. My thought process went something like this: Ooh, he stinks. Wait, is that...me? No, that can't be me. I don't smell like that when I stink. But, my underwear did evaporate several hours ago and my lady bits have been soggy the whole time. When did that last happen? God only knows what effect that's had on my natural, delicate, sexy flower-like scent.

Anywho, it wasn't long before we moved to the main stage field for fireworks, which were amazing because they always are.




After a packed day of sitting, standing and a modest amount of walking I was not prepared for what happened next. Instead of taking the shuttle back to our car, we elected to walk back.

How this happened is not important. What you need to know is that it seemed like we were parked just around the corner and down the street, but we were not. We were actually parked around the corner and down 52 STREETS.

The walking was crazy-making. And to do it without panties on while not killing anyone in an outrageous fit of hot red rage was a special feat I am completely proud of.



Let's all be glad I didn't kill this woman. She probably wouldn't have deserved it.

For two days after that my hips hurt. I still have a heat rash on both arms and my neck and destroyed, poofy hair. I also believe the walking led to some kind of nerve damage in my right arm; it felt, for days, like it was itching from the inside, possibly from too much sudden exercise. The best part? It was all worth it.

Happy 4th, y'all!

A Bear Will Not Be Eating My Head This Year, No Siree

See those buildings? I prefer being around things like that. Yeah.

HUBS and I had a ridiculously hard week last week. We worked our silly little asses off and I will talk about it at some point, but not right now.

Right now, I will discuss with you, internet, how I, citygirl, almost went into the woods.

HUBS' folks rent some cabin thingy in the middle of Nowhere, MO called Bunker Hill. Every year his parents and his sister, Tiny Sarcasm's family go up there for a weekend. This year they invited us.

Now, I have said this many times on this blog and elsewhere, but here it is again: I do not like outdoorsy things. I do not like bugs, sleeping in cabins, going to outhouses, wild animals running amok, being in the middle of nowhere, or excessive no-one-around-to-hear-me-scream quiet. His people know this. And yet, they invited me to the woods.

I'm sure it was perfectly innocent. Anyway, HUBS really wanted to go, so (for him and for him only) I briefly considered it. But, only on the condition that he do several things for me in return. Boy, making this list was fun...

If I Go To The Woods 8/1/09

1. Small trip to see band I like and HUBS hates. (There aren't many of these, but I'm sure I could find at least one)

2. Two days of Tickle With Impunity. (I get to tickle him, he does not get to ask me to stop)

3. Pluck or shave all body hair I distrust. (HUBS has weird little hairs here and there that he simple refuses to let me remove. This would be my shot)

4. Four days of loading & emptying dishwasher. (He refuses to do both things unless he sees I'm really angry about something else, and yet I almost always do both by myself)

5. Go to museum 1 day every weekend until I say stop. (He likes museums, so this isn't really punishment just a way to get us to do this thing I've been talking about for months now)

6. Paint my toenails. (HUBS has such an aversion to my feet, even when sparkling clean, that this would be too good to pass up)

7. Four days of no slap blocking. (Occasionally, HUBS does things that I need to give him a little whack on the arm/chest/back for. Here, he is not allowed to block me)

8. Two nights of cooking dinner, not burgers/fries/pasta. (He claims this is all he can cook, he's pretty smart though, so I'm sure he can read recipe instructions)

9. Five days of facing me when we talk in bed. (HUBS looks like a pirate when he lays in bed, I like to see this when we talk, but he often turns away from me to "rest that side". Not this week, buddy)

Since I will not be getting paid for the assload of deep, hard physical labor I did last week on HUBS behalf, I'm considering putting these into practice as payment even thought we're not going into the woods. Wait, you say. Why aren't you going into the woods? Well, two awesomely good reasons.

One. It would cost money (!). And, two, the very same day his parents called about us going, just hours later when I was napping, I had a dream that I was standing in the woods near a creek minding my own business and a bear came up behind me and ate my head off my body in one bite. So, no, I really do not think so. At all.

But hey, HUBS' folks, thanks for asking.

Vacationary

Straight up, straight down.

I know. I've been gone for a while. Well, I was recovering from our three day road trip to Eureka Springs, Arkansas. I picked this spot on a lark since neither HUBS nor myself had ever been there. And, I can honestly say that I wouldn't have picked it had I known that the whole cute little town was exclusively UP HILL.

We arrived on Tuesday two weeks ago after about a six hour drive. We headed into their historic downtown, which was blissfully empty due to the semi-late hour. We walked and took pictures a bit. It was kinda hilly, but not horrible. I was hot but since the sun was going down the heat wasn't that bad.

But then there was Wednesday. We got out right at the peak of the day, noon, when the sun is high in the sky and the universe is trying to kill me. First, let me say that this is NOT a town to drive in. They have a trolley that'll take you from most of the major hotels around the sites downtown; use it people! We didn't and paid for it by getting lost on their winding, hilly, embarrassingly narrow, not-laid-out-in-a-grid-at-all-albeit-pretty streets.


Most streets are 1/3 of this size. I'm not even playing.

Also? We went during the middle of the week thinking it wouldn't be that crowded. Um, it was like freakin' 4th of July down there. There were that many people. Hence our trouble parking and finally having to settle on a paid lot ($5 for 3 hours). Hi, Arkansas, I know you don't know us, but we don't have much money and HATE paying just to leave our car somewhere. Dammit, Arkansas!

So the first thing we did was go to this pizza place I'd researched. It was really hard to find, we were both hungry and since HUBS was driving this means he got really frustrated while I remained fairly calm. All the parking spots on the street were either taken or marked NO PARKING. (That's right, obvious parking spots in parking lots were actually labelled NO. PARKING. Fuck you Arkansas.) So, we headed for the paid lots we saw the day before.

Here's where things got hairy for me. In case you don't already know, I'm not in very good shape, I sweat a lot, I dislike heights, I abhor being hot and/or sweaty and I do not like to climb. In order to get back to the pizza place I had to: get hot, sweaty and climb heights. This lead to a copious amount of cursing on my part while HUBS remained fairly calm. There are several sets of stairs you can take from the parking to the higher streets where the pizza place was located. The one we took had (I counted) 89 steps. Jesus. Then we got inside the place, which had a bar and a restaurant, and guess what? Yes! The restaurant was up another 25 steps. I yelled out something like "Jesus' Ass!!" and soon realized that the people sitting in the restaurant heard me pretty clearly. Oh, well. Sorry, Arkansas.


Stairs like this were literally all over the place. Clearly the town was carved out of a mountain...and not very well.

Pizza=Awesome. Really some of the best we've ever had. Homemade herbed crust, huge slices, cheesy, and a good Parmesan spill courtesy of HUBS. We ate, cooled down, had two huge sodas, asked our helpful server dude for directions to our next site seeing adventure and took off.


HUBS dressing up our pizza.

We hit more steps (up, of course), walked up hill a bit and then things leveled off. I was grateful and could relax enough to take pictures as we walked. Then, we hit this:



I don't know if you can really grasp the height and scariness from the Polaroid, but that little wooden path on the right was about 2 feet wide, it went almost straight up (so much so that you had to lean forward when walking so as not to fall backwards), and to the right of the path was a straight drop onto the roofs of several houses (maybe 30 or 40 feet, definitely a kill-worthy fall). By the time we reached the top I was dripping with sweat and my t-shirt was actually soaked through. Yay! Wet t-shirt contest! You're welcome, Arkansas!

Then we had another challenge, a walk through the woods. Almighty God, that state really tried my nerves. There were anonymous houses to the left of the stone path through Jasonland and scary-ass woods on the right. There were spots in there where I thought I was going to just die, people. Thank God it was at least daytime.

We went through all this to get here:



An old church where you enter through what used to be the bell tower. It was kinda pretty but not exactly worth all the trouble. After our Lord of the Rings like journey to get to the place I expected there to be free gold or something that would end the coming apocalypse there. No such luck. We really should have taken the trolley...

Then we had to make our way down. When we hit the main part of downtown again, I had walked and climbed so much that I felt weak and my legs were rubbery, like I was going to collapse. We ducked into a souvenir shop for cool air and the lady behind the counter took pity on me and my wet shirt and offered me paper towels. Finally, thank you Arkansas!


Down was scarier than up. I had to lean back to not roll face first down the hill.

Even with all the trials I have to say I had a good time. We ate good food, saw new things, I got lots of good pictures and I challenged myself without knowing I was going to.

What else happened while we were there? We went to WalMart Tuesday night and got caught in the strangest electrical storm either of us had ever seen. Ran inside the store once we realized the noise we heard was sheets of rain slowly coming toward us. Got trapped inside WalMart while the hellish rain died down. Went without reliable internet access for two days. Changed hotel rooms to get one with a fridge/microwave combo and a better toilet (the toilet was still crap). Had hotel sex. Saw a deer just hanging out at the entrance to downtown. Ate awesome BBQ, ice cream and funnel cake. Sat on our balcony and watched a woman play catch with her dog down below. Walked a scary wooden bridge over the street. Tried to get to an all-you-can-eat catfish place before they closed, but the stupid street numbers were wrong so we ended up eating leftover pizza, tacos and fries for dinner. I walked through a spider web at a restaurant, found it on my neck a few minutes later, killed it with my utensils and then pretended I found the squished spider on my napkin to the waitress so she'd get me another one. Drove a half hour out of our way (while eating funnel cake) to get to an attraction that turned out to be closed that day.


A whole shop devoted to funnel cake? Yes!

Yeah, that was pleasantly eventful. Where are you going this summer?

Ick, Ick and More Ick

All right, this one ain't so bad.

Because of all the incidents lately with spiders, I was thinking the other day about all the stuff that freaks/icks me out. And since I love you guys, here's a list:

1) Bugs. By "bugs" I mean anything with more than four legs or less than two. We're talking spiders, centipedes, mosquitoes, dragon flies, worms, maggots, roaches and various other critters. Having said this, some of these are worse than others. I mean, if a cricket landed on my foot briefly I wouldn't like it, but I wouldn't exactly want to kill myself either. But, to be touched by, say, a cockroach? I'm dying just thinking aobut it.

2) Flying things. This is kinda part of #1, except that I have issues with anything with wings. Meaning? Lady bugs, butterflies, moths, birds of all ilk, and airplanes are included. And yes, I understand that butterflies are pretty and lady bugs are harmless (some folks even believe they bring good luck) and the occasional bird can be gorgeous. This does not change their "Holy God!" factor when I'm minding my own business and they suddenly start to circle.

3) Clowns. Let's not pretend that there's no evil under all that makeup. If you've read It by Stephen King or seen the movie...You know just what the fuck I'm talking about.

4) Snails. We came home a couple of night ago to find two of the little slime balls on our porch. Can you believe some people eat these things? How desperate for food do you have to be to see one of these slimy, stalk-eyed blobs and go "Fry it up, Frank. I can't wait for a cow to happen by anymore." Blech...

5) Squid and octopi. Again, people eat this crap. And get all excited about the ink! the ink! God, what is wrong with the world? I can see eating these when you had no choice, but now? Isn't there a McDonald's near you?

6) Raw or rare meat. This disgusts me so that, when cooking, I won't touch raw meat/fish/poultry. I mean it. I use knives, forks, whatever, but will NEVER EVER touch this stuff with bare hands. Also? How do reasonably sane people eat meat running through with blood? I'll tell you how. They. Are. Crazy.

7) Wet hair. If it's attached to your head, fine. If it's circling the drain or hanging off a towel...I'm dry heaving.

8) Sweat. For some reason there are folks who find sweaty people erotic or something. Well, let's get this straight: I don't care how good looking you are, if you're sweaty you stink and if you stink I want no part of you until you clean yourself up. Mmmm'kay?

9) Bodily fluids. No one needs details here, do you? Let me say, though, I don't know how parents do it. With the children and the diapers and the spit-up and the snot...God...Dry...Heave...

10) Dirty bathrooms. Oh Jesus, guys. I have seen some horrendous public bathrooms. Like when I went on a geology field trip in college to some state cave site. The bathroom was literally just a hole in the ground. And there was smoke coming up out of it. What? Really state park? This is the level best you can do? Or at some boardwalk in Florida when I was about 10. There were no stalls, and the ENTIRE BATHROOM (toilets included) was covered in graffiti and...other...things. My mom and I waited about two hours to pee that day.

He Loves Them More Than Me

Again with the critters.

HUBS and I took off for Target in Beesley (his yellow car) last night. I was driving and again I was fighting off a spider on my window. It was on the side-view at first and I tried to kill it, but missed. After rolling up my window and taking off, it wedged itself between the window and the little flap that keeps the window sealed.

Luckily, as long as we kept moving it stayed put. I was actually able to remain calm. There was minimal screaming and absolutely no crying. Yay, me! I mean, until I stopped the car in the parking lot at Target. Then I went insane.

citygirl: Ohhhhhhh, my God it's running get out and kill it get out and kiiiillll ittttt!!!!!!!!

HUBS: Ok, ok. Calm down, I need a napkin or something.

citygirl: AHHHHHHHHHCCKCKCKCKCKCK!! Moving running ACCCKCKCKCKCKAACACACACKKKKK!

HUBS: Alright, geez. I'm out...

Then, you guys, the unthinkable happened. HUBS had a very simple set of instructions: get out of the car, kill the spider. Um...he KNOCKED IT OFF THE CAR. With his precious napkin.

I'm like, what did you just do? You know what happened last week, how the hell do you not JUST KILL THE FUCKING SPIDER? HUBS actually watched it skitter off, to terrorize another day. I bet it crawled back onto his car. Why would it not? Nobody bothered to teach it a lesson, right?

Fine, HUBS. I see how you are. Just wait until the next time you're being attacked by wild dogs or something. Do you think you'll get any dog-killing power outta me? No sir. No sir, not at all...

What Have I Become?

The yellow car is the culprit.

Oh my God, you guys. I was going to tell you about last weekend for my next blog post, but what happened last night is much more interesting.

HUBS and I were on our way out to Qdoba for dinner. We had a two-for-one coupon and were very excited about the prospect of a semi-cheap din-din. Since HUBS had just gotten home from work, he requested that I drive his car, which I did.

So, we were almost on the highway when I noticed a spider on my window, right near the top where it was open a little. Now, if you remember, me and spiders in cars do NOT GET ALONG. I'm busy trying to drive so I can't kill them and I hate that. I feel powerless to stop the infestation, and me no likey that.

I started to freak a some, but not too bad. It was small, and not a black widow or anything , so not that immediately terrifying. HUBS tried to help me out. But, instead of grabbing one of the million-and-one napkins on his side of the car and killing it, he tried to flick it out the window. This, my friends, is when ALL TOTAL HELL broke loose. Our nemesis the spider DID NOT get sent outside.

IT FLEW INTO THE CAR. IT. WAS. ON. ME!

I find it really hard to explain what happened next. We were on the highway and I was driving and I saw the enemy land on me, but did not know where. I began to panic. And not a little "Oh crap!" kind of panic, but full-on panic attack type panic. Really. I immediately started to cry. And hard, too, people. Tears are streaming down my face, I'm shaking and screaming and cursing and acting like a total punk.

HUBS' initial reaction was to giggle a bit. I don't blame him, though, because I was acting so crazy that he thought I was overacting for effect. When he saw the tears, he knew what was up - I was a lunatic and needed to be calmed down before I killed us both.

Two things made this worse: There was no shoulder, so I couldn't just pull over. I had to wait for the first exit and find a place to stop. Also? I knew I was acting insane, but couldn't stop it. I would start to calm down, then think about the spider setting up shop in my hair or clothes or large intestine and begin to freak! out! again!

This ordeal only lasted about 5 minutes before I could pull over in a parking lot, but it felt like an eternity. I ripped off my sweatshirt (thank God for tank tops) and eventually HUBS found and killed the spider, which was on the back of my seat. As you can imagine, he had to drive once we finally got back in the car.

I have no fucking clue what happened to me! It's not like HUBS purposely threw a tarantula or a bucket of brown recluses on me. It was an accident! And a small, basically harmless spider! And I lost my mind with the shaking/crying/screaming travelling show.

The last time I acted like this I was in college and depressed and lonely and self-hating. HUBS thinks this might have something to do with "the store closing" soon. But I have never gotten this bent out of shape about anything just because of my monthly.

Holy crap. I hope this ain't a trend.