We Will Not Talk About...

- How our air conditioner went out last Thursday and I had to ask my mom for money to get it fixed.

- How once I got to her house to pick the money up I collapsed into a tearful heap, finally told her how screwed up all our finances are and apologized for letting her down and being a loser.

- How, when I got back home and talked to the repair man, the money she gave us wouldn't be enough anyway because we'd need a brand, spankin' new air conditioner. Hello $4,000!!

- How we had to get a credit limit increase on the same card we used to buy the furnace in January to pay for the new air conditioner. Thank God they allowed it or we'd be completely fucked!

- How the cats went a little bit nutty from the 95 degree temps in the house and then being locked in the basement for several (several) hours to keep them cool.

- How, even though I called in Thursday to say I may or may not be in to work, the company I was working for fired me and the temp agency will now never work with me again (that's right, I've been fired by a temp agency).

- How I fear that I totally sabotaged that job by possibly not making myself clear when I called in the first time and then resisting the later urge to call back and tell them I definitely wasn't coming in.

- How I've been repeating the mantra I make $100,000 a year 25 times a day for the past week, hoping it will come true by way of making me work harder...Or by magic, either way is fine with me.

What we will talk about is this...



God! These things are so good! We had the full sized ones sometime last year and I wasn't impressed. But, the minis? Somehow a thousand times more tastier. Yes, I said more tastier. You should eat these.

What They Don't Tell You

Small splurge #1 thanks to my mom: two rings from girlprops.com that I've been lusting over for Four Whole Months. Thanks Mom!

I've been largely unemployed for over two years now (minus the 5 months at the
warehouse) and I've realized something. Being unemployed makes you cheap.

Overall this isn't a bad thing. I look for deals more often, use more coupons (even though I must say that I've always been a bit addicted to deals and coupons anyway), and wait a lot longer to buy things if I buy at all.

The part I don't like is that even the most reasonable prices seem too high for everything, all the time. HUBS and I both have the occasional stomach problems, meaning we go through tons of toilet paper. I cannot tell you how many times I've looked at the price for my favorite kind of TP and thought Dammit! $6.98! Who do they think I am? King Midas, for fucks sake! And, really, I know $7 for 12 double rolls of my favorite TP is a reasonable indulgence. I mean, it amounts to about $14 a month, unless I have a coupon.

Clothes, jewelry and other accessories give me the same feeling. Logically, I know $40 isn't bad for a well-made blouse, and it's really good for something like a dress or blazer, but if anything costs more than $10 I don't want to pay for it. Actually, not only do I not want to pay for it, but I usually rant and curse and rave against the manufacturer. Who do they think they are? Those piece a shit shoes aren't worth $98! They don't even cover the whole foot! God Damn them...!



Another small bit of loot included these girly things: lip balm, glitter eye shadow and glitter nail polish. I think there may be a theme there.

The net effect is that I want to buy less. I honestly don't want things the way I used to. Even magazines are less appealing, since I'm not using them to get shopping ideas like I used to. The idea of shoes and purses and jewelry is nice, but I'm pretty much sticking with my list of wants for what to buy when I can, a little at a time. Impulse purchases are pretty much non-existent now. And that's nice when you have little disposable cash and no credit to speak of.

Being unemployed is keeping me out of trouble. Finally.

First Order Of Business...

Calling the bank tomorrow morning to see if they would please not hit us with 4 overdraft fees for the bounced debit card purchases.

I don't like that this has happened yet again, but I can honestly say I'm not tremendously upset. I think I may have really gotten to the point where I get that getting angry, in most cases, doesn't really get me anywhere constructive. Yeah, it's fun, even cathartic, sometimes to just get it out, but it doesn't usually solve the problem that made me mad in the first place.

Let's all pray that I can convince the bank to relax a bit tomorrow.

Good night, all.

I Am Completely Relaxed

Really...I feel, for the first time in two years, like it's all honestly going to be alright. Maybe I'm finally out of anger, confusion, bitch-fire. Maybe it's because of the book I read last month, Steering by Starlight.

One of the basic ideas is that you know when you've made the right decision about something because you'll feel free. That's exactly how I felt in January 2008 when I left my job and exactly how I felt last month when I decided to never return to the filthy warehouse to work. They called me back early last month, and I went for four days.

Then I thought about what was happening: I spent two of those days crying at work, two more taking extended bathroom breaks where I played games on my phone. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every night before I went in and each morning when I woke up. I could never get to work on time (that was something that started back in March) no matter how early I got up. This was all just like my other job all over again. I know me. If I hadn't quit I'd be there for several years before I got the nerve.

So, here we are. Still not much money coming in and way too much going out. We have bills we can't pay and groceries we can't buy. But, I somehow feel calm. Calm like never before. I actually don't care why. I'm just glad I've got it, and hope I can turn that calm into the confidence I need to get my ideas off the ground.

Pray for me, y'all.

Things To Do When You're Unemployed

Photo by HUBS, Charleston SC, July 2008

1) Look for work, don't find any, and then cry
2) Read a lot
3) Watch tv a lot
4) Watch a ton of movies
5) Go for photo walks
6) Write about being unemployed
7) Consider trying to publish what you wrote
8) Make plans and lists and enjoy crossing things off
9) Laundry
10) Clean the house
11) Go to the library
12) Cut pictures of things you can't afford out of magazines like you did when you were 20. Put the pictures on your magnet board
13) List what you're getting everyone for Christmas so you don't overspend
14) Commit to making some gifts to save $
15) Stare out the window and watch stray cats wander around the neighborhood. Smile when they look at you
16) Daydream
17) Exercise
18) Decorate for holidays
19) Window shop
20) Enter contests online and hope you win things
21) Dress up every now and then, so you feel like less of a bum
22) Laugh
23) Organize your digital photo files
24) Try selling things on ebay. When you realize the only person buying stuff there anymore is you, consider a yard sale
25) Stop buying cheap purses. They will not make you happy
26) Scan all your polaroids and 120 negatives. Go through the giant box of 35mm negatives and scan those too
27) Play with the cat
28) Maintain three blogs
29) Sleep
30) Clear your mind. You won't be able to sleep otherwise

And We Have...Snow!

Not this much, though.

This year has gone by riotously fast. I kind of can't believe how much I've done this year: quit my daily grind, became a sparsely employed freelance writer/photographer, got married, did the honeymoon thing, read a lot of books, watched a lot of soaps, turned 34, collected unemployment, ran up a massive credit card bill...

I could go on. For instance, did you know I accidentally (of course) walked in on my father-in-law while he was peeing about three weeks ago? You didn't? Well, now you know.

I've also lost all hope of finding a daily gig that'll keep me busy and happily creative. Actually, that happened about a month ago. I should call the temp agency for work, but I just can't. I should go to some of my favorite stores to see if they're hiring, but, again...I can't.

And that's a lie. I can. I simply don't want to.

But. I'll have to. The checks stop in three weeks, just in time for Christmas.

Wish me luck, you guys...

Here I Go

About three weeks ago I got up early one Monday morning, put on my interview suit and headed out to Earth City, MO to reapply at a temp agency. I say reapply because it's the same agency I worked for after I graduated from college in '97, once it became obvious I wasn't going to get whisked away to Manhattan by a tony fashion mag that wanted me to be their photo editor.

On one hand this turned out good. I took all these tests: grammar, Microsoft Word, typing, Excel, sentence structure, even Power Point (which I'd never even looked at before, much less used). Except for Excel I tested as "expert" in everything. So, at least I know I'm not stupid, even though not being able to find an acceptable job makes me feel like I am. I know I definitely have concrete skills to offer.

But...This also means I'll be temping again. Basically, starting all over at the beginning again. And? Likely doing stuff I hate. Filing, data entry, answering the phones...Nothing creative, interesting. Just more of the same shitty soul-crushing work I left behind in January.

The agency needed my social security card and I didn't bother really trying to find it until Sunday. I took it in yesterday and filled out all their tax papers/agreements/yada yada.

Since I only have about a month left on unemployment it's a bit of hope for some kind of work. And yet...Working at something I hate AGAIN is destroying me.

A LOT.

Money Is Cool!

Due to my financial savvy, HUBS and I are now the proud owners of a $80.73 nest egg. I know! It's like, if there's an emergency now we won't even have to beg for change by the side of the road. We can totally plunk down three Jacksons and be like BOO YAH, BABY! Got it covered.

How about that?