I'm Selling Things...Wanna Play?

Money talk bores Tux. And, sorry, not selling the cat.

So, in an effort to help fund some things I want to do and help take a bit of financial pressure off of HUBS, I've got some stuff I'm purging in order to make a bit of cash.

First off, I'm selling movies, TV on DVD collections, bellydance and yoga fitness VHS tapes, books and video games here at half.com. The movies are only $1 to $1.50! I'm selling season 1 & 2 of Angel, seasons 1, 3 & 4 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and editions of the graphic novel continuations of both shows (among other things)...For some pretty good-ass prices if I do say so myself!

I'm also doing the ebay thing. I'm selling a cool pair of UNWORN sandals, lightly used Martha Stewart with Wedgwood bone china and 2010 Mazda 3 floor mats. Yay!

Now, here's where the big stuff comes in. I've tried selling magazines on ebay before and have never gotten any hits, so I'm eliminating the middle-man here and going directly to the source...You guys!



I'm selling my Glamour magazines. For 2009 I have April, May and July through December. For 2010 I have January through April.



I'm sending my People StyleWatch mags to a better home, too. The issues are May 2009 through December 09/January 2010 (June/July and Dec/Jan are combined issues).



If you love InStyle, I can help you out! I've got the June 09, July 09, September 09 and special Fall 2009 makeover issues available. I also have three UK editions of the magazine, which retail in the US for $8.50 (yes, I'm a bit embarrassed I spent that much on a magazine). The UK editions are May 09, July 09 and March 10.



Home design fans can have my back issues of Elle Decor from April 09 through March 10.



If you need a mixed bag, how about this: Harper's Bazaar (April and June through October 09), Marie Claire (October and November 09), Elle (June 09) and Cosmo (October 09).



If photography's your thing, I've got a fine collection of American Photo magazine, May 09 through February 10.

Now, for the details. All magazine are $1! I'd prefer to sell them by title as listed above, but if you buy at least five issues I'll be willing to split them up. If you buy a huge stack, they'll be shipped in a flat rate Priority Mail box. Priority shipping costs (which you pay) will range from $4.95 to $14.50, but you'd basically have to buy all the magazines I've listed for me to need a box that big! Shipping for a small magazine order, let say five to eight titles, will be $8. All payments will be via Paypal.

If none of that sounds like it's up your spending alley, I also have a gorgeous photo blog where you can buy prints of any photos you see there. Go here and look at the side bar for details.

Phew! Now, go forth and email all your fashion fiend, bellydancing, Angel and Buffy loving friends. Tell everyone you know! Help me let the masses know that the Sale. Is. ON!

Wha???

How in the hell did we get to fucking June already? I swear, the older I get the more it's like time has no meaning whatsoever.

Remember how, when you were a little kid, it seemed like the school year would neeeever eeeeeeeend? And then, during your freshman year of high school (after you realized there was just going to be more of the same clique-y bullshit as in junior high) you felt like graduation was decades away? Then, before you knew it you'd already graduated from college, gotten your first real job, quit that one, gotten another, moved a lot and now here we are at 35 with only a few months left to 36 and 40 staring us down fast and furious?

Well, I have to say, though, I'm already looking forward to fall. Oh yeah...

So Glad...

* for summer fruits and veggies
* HUBS has a 3 day weekend
* I mixed two nail polishes together and got a cool, sparkly, plummy color for my toes
* it finally stopped raining
* I quit my factory job
* I read Steering by Starlight
* for kittens frolicking
* for a break from oppressive heat
* I can go pant-less all day
* we might be able to get away next weekend
* I've gotten good things done the past couple of days
* that I have creative ideas
* about the new blog project I'm working on
* for my readers (Thank you! And have a wonderful holiday weekend!)

Blah, No Blah

Mom likes the idea.

Ok, so, I've spent the past two weeks sitting on the couch every day, all day, meaning to do something worthwhile with all this free time but never doing it. I've let myself get to that broody place where all the things I should be doing feel pointless.

I have to pull myself out of this. Part of my problem is always my never ending to-do list filled with thing after thing after thing. The less I do, the longer that fucking list grows. So, I have a new goal. Tonight, after another solid day of nothing-doing (With the exception of laundry...Yea, clean pants!) I broke up my to-dos into a 5-thing-a-day list-per-day.

I can accomplish five stupid little things each day.

Right?

Because We Have No Sense Of Proportion

Even more personalities in our tiny, little house. Poor Tux.

I have continually neglected to write about the fact the HUBS and I now have two additional cats. Even though we'd looked into getting another cat last summer (which didn't pan out), these additions were totally by accident. (By the way, this post is long, but if you care about cat stuff it should be a fairly rewarding read for you.)

Last September, HUBS and I came home one Sunday to find two kittens huddled up together in the middle of the street. They didn't move as our car drove up, so HUBS honked at them. They didn't budge. I got out of the car to shoo them along...Still, no moving. I had to literally get right up on them and scream to scare them off. We decided that these kittens were absolutely not ready for the world of a stray cat if they didn't move for a car careening toward them, and set out to catch them and take them to the Humane Society.

They were teeny, so we got Tux's carrier and HUBS suited up in long sleeves, gloves and a hat to prepare for The Inevitable Clawing. When we came back outside one kitten was across the street and one was in our walkway with some other strays. We went for the closest one first.

This was a kitten we'd been keeping our eyes on and had named Shakes because when you got close to him he wouldn't move but would begin to shake uncontrollably. Shakes was so out of it, that HUBS was able to sneak up on him and catch him without much trouble. We got the little guy into the carrier with a minimum of screeching and scratching. Once he was in there and realized he couldn't get out, Shakes totally took a nap.

Now we had to head across the street to our neighbor Fred's driveway where Shakes' apparent brother was hiding. Fuck, that kitten was fast! We chased him all over the driveway and yard and finally gave up when it became obvious he was completely capable of avoiding capture. We named him Speedy for this very reason.

We headed with Shakes to the Humane Society, as planned, to give him up. Then the intake lady explained that if we left him there they wouldn't give us any info on how he was doing or if he got adopted or anything. We'd have to make a total clean break. I was almost ok with that...Until she added that if they couldn't un-sick Shakes they'd have to put him down.

Holy God. Guys, I started to cry. I'd seen so many anonymous cats die in the past few months that the idea of Shakes dying without us getting to know him made me really fucking upset. HUBS asked if I wanted to take him and I said yes without hesitation. When we brought him home he was about 5 weeks old, had parasites, a shit load of fleas and a terrible upper respiratory infection. And, he looked like this:



After months of several-times-a-day medicine, a shit storm of shots and vaccinations and getting him fixed in February so he would stop dry humping the other stray we took in, he looks like this:



Also known as Shaker Cat, Shakers, Sir Shakelton and Dammit Cat Stop It!

The story of our second cat is a bit less traumatic. Luanne Sugarbaker (long lost sister of Julia and Suzanne Sugarbaker - two other strays) spent a full two weeks sleeping day and night either in our yard or on our front porch. About a week into taking care of Shakes, we came home one Friday night to find Luanne on our porch. She let HUBS pet her and then let him pick her up. If you know anything about stray cats they DO NOT DO THIS. They are extremely wary of people, and for good reason.

I begged HUBS to put her down and not get any more attached. We already had two cats. Shakes was sick and needed to be kept away from Tux, meaning we had to lock him away in the bathroom and if we took in another sick pet (she pretty obviously had the same upper respiratory infection Shakes was battling) we'd have to lock her away in a totally separate location. Which would mean the basement. Which would mean Tux's litter box would have to go in the kitchen...Near the stove.

HUBS got his bearings and we walked into the house to put down our things. We turned around to close the door and little Luanne was in the house. Right behind us, in our living room. HUBS gave me a look that said Look! She's in the house! She wants us to love her! Pleeeeeeaaaassseee?! I gave in way quicker than I should have, but that's how we took in Luanne.

Now, her before and after:



Also known as Lou, Lady Big Paws and Oh My God You're So Weird

Oh Boy...

A desperate list I couldn't even finish.

In the past couple of months I've renewed my obsession with reading self-help books. This was something I used to do all the time from the early 2000s until about five years ago. I stopped for two reasons. One, almost all self-help books tend to say the same stuff in different ways. So, after you read about three of the things you're going to keep getting the same info over and over.

The second reason I stopped was my own odd tendency to feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm actually procrastinating and hiding. What do I mean? I mean that reading self-help books has the same effect on me as entering contests online, somehow I feel a little like I'm earning money when I enter, even though I know that's a stupid feeling. When I read self-help books I feel like I'm working toward my goals, but in actuality I'm just reading a book and not really doing concrete work to fulfill my dreams.

I started up again because I was so depressed about working yet another job I loathed, but even more than the last one I hated. I felt I needed a little boost, and this has turned into me reading about six self-help books in four months.

Here's where the oh boy comes in. I've been reading a book called The Joy Diet. There's a part that tells you it's necessary to give yourself small treats for taking risks that will further your goals. The writer has you do an exercise where you list 10 things that make you smile, so you can use those things as treats.

Do you know what? After writing three things, I completely stalled. I started to think of all the stuff I like or even love: organizing the house, getting rid of things we don't need anymore, cooking, writing, photography, watching movies, reading fashion magazines and tearing out tips and photos, reading books, HUBS, the light at sunset, the light at sunrise, watching good tv...None of these things make me smile all the time. They make me feel good at least 90% of the time, but they don't make me actually smile.

It was months ago when HUBS told me I never smile anymore. I conceded that I'd been moody/angry a lot, but, Of course I smile!, I said. And now, trying to make this list, I see that he's likely very right. I absolutely love taking pictures and writing; why the fuck do they not make me smile? If nothing makes me smile, what does that mean? What have I become?

This is why HUBS so often knocks himself out doing goofy, ridiculous stuff in an effort to make my mouth turn up at the corners. I'm really not smiling anymore.

HUBS. I've become a huge drag. I'm sorry.

Things I Have No Interest In

Even though I feel, sometimes, helplessly confused about how exactly to get what I want out of life, I do believe most of my basic preferences are pretty much set. I think it's absolutely true that people just get more set in their ways as they age. And, as I get older, I realize some things just aren't for me.

1) Walking barefoot. I don't get it and never have. Isn't that how you get tapeworms...or something?

2) Politics. I've tried. I honestly have. But, aside from a passing interest that'll let me vote with some confidence, I'd rather not think about it.

3) Drinking. Now that my bar reviewing days appear to be over, I love not drinking alcohol when I go out if I don't want to. And for the past three weeks, I haven't wanted to.

4) Hostessing. I have never thrown a party as an adult. Or a get-together at my home. Hell, I've rarely even had company. 99% of my own family has never even seen my house. As much as I think life may be easier/more fun if I were all social like, I like it like that. I know my folks, most of them don't give a shit about their own stuff, much less anyone else's. Plus, I've seen people disrespect other's hard earned things dozens of times. I'd really hate to let a lot of folks (or a few even) into my house to have fun and see my place fucked beyond my liking. Really. Would. Hate.

5) Deadlines and repetition. I know, I know - an inevitable fact of life, especially for a creative, freelancing type like me. But, from college to the present day I've watched myself begin to hate things I love after being endlessly forced to do them repeatedly and according to someone else's schedule. It's stupid. Can I change it? Maybe not. Would life be easier if I could? Probably yes.

6) Swallowing pills. An issue from the time I was a little kid. Taking even the smallest pill floods my mind with visions of choking to death. I am nothing if not imaginative!

7) Reality tv. Sure, I flirted with The Real World 18 years ago when I was a high schooler who dreamt of life outside those hideous walls. Now, though, the endlessness of the stupidity is nothing but unbearably irritating and boring. Unless we're talking about So You Think You Can Dance? or America's Got Talent. I'm all over that shit every time.

8) Keeping friends. I have, at 35 years old, failed to make one deep, long-lasting friendship. Aside from HUBS, my closest friend lives 5 hours away and we barely communicate. Though when we do it's just like old times, which is good, at least. And I've recently reconnected with a high school/college/mid-20s friend since she found me on Facebook, but she lives in Boston now. I'd love to have a good friend right here to commiserate with, hang with and laugh with other than HUBS. I can't decide if I know too little or too much about myself to make that happen.

9) Being outgoing. Sure, I've had spurts here and there that always take a Herculean effort. I'm quiet. I'm a thinker. I'm a listener. I'm a seether. That's me.

10) Kids. Bully for you if you adore the little buggers and want to have loads of them. I can honestly say the idea of child birth/child rearing/child-being-around-all-the-time has never struck me as something I need to do. I don't hate kids or people who have kids. I simply don't feel the pull.

11) Not creating. Here I am writing a blog that only a few people read which makes me no money, and yet I do it anyway. I love to write without boundaries. I also love photography, music, art and the occasional random creative pursuit. I love making things, and make I shall continue to do.

What do you have no interest in?

A New Way To Do Things

A Little Thing

Something I've been working on this year is reading more books. I used to read all the time. My mom was a voracious reader when I was a kid. She loves Stephen King, Dean Koontz and Louis L'Amour. She would start reading a book after I left for school, stay up all night and be done with it by the time I left for school again the next day. And then, promptly start on another one. Plus, we're talking about sometimes huge books here, often upwards of 400 pages. Finished in 24 hours.

A few months ago I noticed how lacking my book-reading had become. In the past couple of years it had gotten to the point where it would take me several months to finish one little book. Most recently I finished When Washington was in Vogue over a period of two years. Two Years! That's just stupid.

I have a folder I started about 6 years ago with magazine clippings full of books I wanted to read. That doesn't even include all the books on my half.com list and the books in my library list. So, somewhere around January I realized I needed to get to work on all these books.

Reading makes me feel better, as evidenced by the fact that I've spent two days procrastinating by reading an insane amount of blogs. But, reading books in particular makes me feel really good. Smarter, even. I like being able to say "I'm reading The Joy Diet right now" instead of saying "I just finished the April issues of Lucky, Glamour, Essence and InStyle UK in one day!". Relaying magazine reading habits seems less...intellectual. You know?

To keep myself on point I've added a book shelf on the right side of my page, near the bottom. This little visual is already helping me track my accomplishments. Look at it! I've finished all those books just this year!

What are you reading now?

Weekend Report

Saturday, past about 9 am? Felt like I'd swallowed one of these.

Today is Tuesday. After a boring day at work that went by blissfully fast (I was in an area where I couldn't see the clock. That actually helped a lot.) I got called off for today, which means I'm currently at home.

So far I've done 4 loads of laundry and gone through over 500 neglected emails. Not bad for 4 hours of awakeness and doing-stuff.

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Mine was ok. HUBS and I took my mom out to his parents place for the annual Easter dinner. Mom had never been out there before because of taking care of my grandmother. I was a bit surprised she agreed to go and didn't back out. When I talked to her that morning, she sounded quite down. This is the first holiday without my grandmother and it's been almost a year to the day since my uncle died. She didn't say it, but I know that stuff was weighing on her.

Everything went fine, but my day was only ok for two reasons. First, I was a bit afraid to eat. Why? Because on Saturday, after taking almost the whole week off "sick", I really did get sick. Big sick. Doing-scary-things-in-the-bathroom-that-no-one-wants-to-think-about sick. I was trapped in there for about an hour. Unfortunately, the thing that seemed to irritate my stomach this time involved jalapenos. Just so you know, spicy in = 1,000 times spicier coming out. It took a full day for my throat to stop burning.

The second reason I wasn't that great was because I knew I'd have to go back to work Monday. I actually almost started crying during the car ride home.

Really? I'm going to try to stop complaining about my job in this space now. I've just realized I'm tired of it. That probably means you're getting tired of it, too. Of course, if anything completely outlandish happens you can totally expect me to tell you about it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a completely different note, HUBS and I went to see Clash of the Titans Saturday after I recovered for a few hours. I found it exciting and enjoyable. We also walked around the mall a bit, which wore me out a lot more than I was expecting. We managed to finally get HUBS a new pair of glasses, something that's been on our list since January. Rectangularish, gray frames will be a new look for him. I'll submit a photo when he's all glassed up.

There's a Discovery

I've taken off work 4 of 5 days this week and you know what? I fucking loved it.

I wanted to finally get started on some big things I've got planned for myself, and the best way to do that was to pretend we don't need my fifty buck a day job for this week.

I already have no idea what I did with my Tuesday.

Wednesday was relatively un-productive. I listed some long-neglected items on ebay, took a three hour nap and then cried to HUBS and my mom about how things just are not the way I want them to be and how often I feel like I'll never have the life I really want (if I even really know what that is).

Thursday rocked ass. Making major headway on my list helped me feel like good things were possible. Even though, I found out this week that my only two paid writing jobs have dried up because both websites are "restructuring." I'm trying hard not to freak out about losing $450 in monthly income.

And then there was Friday. HUBS took the day off for Good Friday, we slept late, ate leftovers for lunch, watched soaps, played around online, got him an eye exam, shopped at Super WalMart and had our usual Festival of Trying Different Things after grocery shopping.

During my freak out on Wednesday I realized something. I hate waking up in the morning when I know I'm going to work. This is the same thing that happened at my last job. What I realized is that I don't want to not wake up just because of how I make my living. Also, I don't want to spend all day at work the way I've been spending it: wishing the day were over. One day my days will be over and that will be all. I don't want spend all my time wishing time would speed the fuck up. I want to be able to enjoy most of my day, even if I'm at work. I'm tired of work standing in the way of my life.

Well, this week was nice. Happy Easter, all! Here's hoping you have a great weekend.

Ick

Prettiest fungus ever.

I've been working pretty steadily for about 6 weeks now. Time at work=money for us. But it also seems to equal something else.

In those past 6 weeks I've gotten more rashes, zits that won't go away and funguses than ever before. You already knew I worked in a filthy warehouse, now my body knows it too.

I itch more than ever before and in strange places. Thigh and neck areas that don't even touch the filth. (Although, we worked with fiberglass a couple of weeks ago and I did manage to get some in my neck. Yay.) Also? Every skin issue I've ever had has re-occurred recently. That means that all at one fucking time I've been subjected to athletes foot, jock itch (Yes! So feminine and sexy!), and a yeast infection. And, I'm pretty sure the mole on my neck that's been the same small size for five years is actually growing.

I am now a living petri dish of awesome.

Ways To Free Myself From This Drudgery

A ray of light...From my brain.

During one of my breaks at work last week, on a particularly blah day, I wrote down all my ideas for getting out of my job and keeping future work experiences like this to an absolute minimum.

1) Send my book mock up to possible publishers. (I started writing a book last month. I haven't written much in the past couple of weeks, though. I hit a block and feel like I need to get a mock up together to recharge me. Plus, having that would help attract publishers...I hope.)

2) Funeral photography. (I know how this sounds, but I've photographed so many funerals in the past year that it's occurred to me there may actually be a market for this kind of, admittedly weird, service. An ad on Craigslist may be the thing to get this started.)

3) Screenplay ideas. (Ok, I've got a mostly finished screenplay that I've been working on since I took a beginning class in 2004. I'm truly embarrassed by how long it's taking me to just finish the thing. Although, I did enter it into a fairly high profile contest two years ago, and I was really proud of myself for that. Anyway, I've got about four other ideas floating around in my head that I'm committed to finally writing down and making notes on. So there, subconscious fear of failure/success.)

4) Script consulting. (I still mean to hang out a shingle for this. I took film classes in 2005 and 2006 where one of the things I studied was how to critique a screenplay. Getting my next idea up and running will help me get this one started.)

5) Movie review blog. (In 2006 I started writing film reviews for a website. I still do it, but it's never paid any money. I want it to start paying money. Period.)

6) More web writing. (I've got a few ideas for pieces that'll work for additional websites and the ones I already write for.)

I've taken the day off work today since yesterday was icky and irritating and I needed to get some things done. I fully plan to get to work on real things today, not just read blogs, nap and watch soaps all day.

So, here we go...

Ahhh...

Things are much better now. Thanks for being patient while I try not to let a feeling of impending doom overtake me.

I had some time off work last week and took my mom shopping on Wednesday. This was after her three day trip to Memphis and Brownsville, TN early last week. Her aunt and uncle (my grandmother's younger brother and sister) convinced her to go with them to visit family. She got a chance to see where my grandmother was born, since the land is still in the family. When she was asked to go the first thing she said was "But, I can't leave momma." Dammit, dammit, dammit that's sad. But she went. And I'm so glad she did.

Unfortunately, while we were shopping mom revealed that she was looking for something to wear to yet another funeral. This time for a guy she went to school with who had just come to my grandmother's funeral last month. He had a sudden, massive heart attack and that was it. You see why I'm fighting feelings of doom, over here?



On a lighter note, HUBS and I went to Chicago for a quickie trip the weekend before last. We only stayed one night. It was fun but, damn was weatherchannel.com ever wrong about the high temperature. They said 55 and it couldn't have been more than 35 degrees. We were totally not dressed for it! And, since we'd decided to go to the Shedd Aquarium and Navy Pier ($24 to park!!), which are both on the water, um...We almost froze to death. Especially because there were about 200 people in line ahead of us at Shedd. And we had to wait...OUTSIDE. IN THE RAIN. ALSO. Thank God Black-Lady-Paddington-Bear let us go in the accessible entrance. She cut our wait time of 2 hours down to 1/2 an hour.



It was a bit of an adventure, we had great pizza, watched bad cable tv, had free hotel breakfast and now...Now I'm really starved for a real vacation.



How have you been?

Never Ending

Guess what my mom and I did yesterday? We went to yet another funeral. This time it was for two of my aunts' mom (they are my mom's half sisters, so they had a different mother).

She died last Thursday. I'd never met her, but wanted to be there for my aunts and cousins, especially since these two aunts did way more to help my mom with my grandmother than the aunt and uncle who were her actual children. Those two did pretty close to nothing.

We went to Burger King afterwards. I felt bad for mom, yesterday it was three weeks to the day that my grandmother died. Going to another "mom funeral" made things really hard for her, but she felt, like me, that she had to go.

Can we please stop with the family deaths now? That makes seven in less than a year. So...Please?

Silence

Last flowers

I know I've been away for quite a while now, but a lot's been going on. My grandmother died on February 16 at 7:26 am. Maybe I'll write more about that later, maybe not. I was going to post a picture of her above and started crying, so it's possible I'm not as ok as I thought I was by now.

So, I'll be back to regular posting soon. For now, enjoy the photos here. Pictures are so much easier than words...

That Was A Mistake

Uggghhhhhh...

Last week I had nachos three times at three different restaurants. Now, I'm not a dietitian or nutritionist or anything, but I think that might not be good for me.

I made beef stroganoff for the first time ever last night. There was a recipe on the back of a pack of noodles I'd bought, and it seemed like a good meal for a cold, snowy, winter night. It was good, alright. So good that I ate way too much and made myself a little bit sick. I'm still full from last night's dinner, you guys. And it's after 4pm, now. All I've had today is one bowl of oatmeal and one cup of green tea. I realize I probably should have more food than that, but right now I just don't see how I can fit anything else in my bloated belly.

Last week was a bad food week. I did a lot of eating after 10pm, stuffing my face until way past full and eating large quantities of not-so-good things. I'm gonna blame my period and get back on track, starting TODAY.

When was the last time you ate something good, but then overdid it?

Thankful, Grateful, Good

On the days I work (not as often as I need to, unfortunately) I often have intense moments of fatigue or job-hatred. Last month I started combating this by concentrating on thoughts of the things I'm grateful for or appreciate in my life.

A brief list of those things:

A walk on a beach in South Carolina at dawn.

HUBS. Especially when he does silly, funny, nerdy, nice things.

A long, hot bath filled with bubbles where I read lots of magazines and shrivel up nicely.

Healthy cats. Inside and outside the house.

A good meal, home-cooked or not.

Dessert.

Naps.

Magic hour (am and pm).

Doing what I need to do when I need to do it.

Surprise money.

Laughing.

My own creativity.

Inspiration.

Good new things.

Meditation.

Pink, purple, sequins and glitter!

What's good in your life right now?

What Just Happened?

You don't want a photo of what this post is actually about. Really...

So, I was at work today. Doing my thing, everything was going fine. Then, I looked down at the table I was working at. I saw a small black oval surrounded by what looked like a water stain. Using a calculator, I moved it further back on the table. It rolled. Then I used a small box I'd never have to pick up to see if it was...well, soft. It was.

God Dammit. I knew the warehouse I worked in wasn't the fucking cleanest place on earth. I mean, there's a roach trap on the kitchen counter, after all. But this... Looks like a turd. Rolls like a turd. Smashes like a turd. Shit, y'all. I found a TURD on the table at work!

Granted, finding one is better than finding many. And finding small animal (or large insect) droppings is better than finding the human variety. But this? Totally uncalled for. I felt hot, dizzy and sick to my stomach for the rest of the work day.

Fucking turd...

The Strangest Things

X marks the spot, all right.

Last Thursday I had another in a life-long line of odd things happen to me.

I'd been wearing a Band-Aid on my finger to protect a dry, raw spot from all the paper I flip through at work. I was getting ready in the morning, and, by the time I was putting on my gloves, noticed that it had fallen off. Not a big deal, I figured I'd find it later.

So, about 8 pm that night I head to the bathroom before eating dinner. What do you think I found in my underwear? Yeah, that's right internet. My Band-Aid. But, that's not even the weird part. It wasn't just hanging out in there all day, nonononono. IT WAS STUCK TO MY PERSONAL LADY HAIRS. ALL DAY. You read that correctly. I had to cut a Band-Aid out of my...area.

This is the type of thing that could only happen to the girl who had a bird shit into her non-convertible car while she was going 65 mph on the high way (my passenger side window was rolled down about an inch...No, I'm not kidding. Really did happen...).

Stress

I feel your pain, Zebra. I feel your pain...

First off let me report that I'm working again. The warehouse called me back almost two weeks ago and then made me a permanent temp (meaning no more getting called off when they run out of work, I go in every day.) So, for the meantime HUBS and I have some hope of financial survival.

For the past two years (yes, it's been a full TWO YEARS since I left my job in the hopes of finding my true work) living without a second steady income in the house has been exceptionally difficult. There's been depression, anger, massive anger, sadness, extreme sadness, hopelessness and every other negative emotion you can imagine.

Mostly, though, there's just been stress. Stress for me. Stress for HUBS. Stress for the air around us at any given moment. They say stress can cause physical symptoms and after two years of dealing with high levels of it, I completely believe it.

In these past two years I've:

1) Had a significant portion of my hair fall out.
2) Suffered extremely disturbing nightmares on an almost nightly basis.
3) Gotten the flu even though I rarely leave the house.
4) Gotten food poisoning three times, when I had previously only had it four times in the past 33 years.
5) Had chest pains that went away as soon as I got called back to the warehouse.
6) Had liver problems.
7) Been diagnosed with a skin condition I'd never heard of but my dermatologist says is quite common, pityriasis rosea, which causes dry, dark, itchy blotches over large areas of the torso (yes, it's as sexy as it sounds).
8) Suffered through a period in 2008 with a weeping wound in a very personal area that was caused by God-only-knows-what (again, so, so sexy).
9) Had several bouts of severe lower back pain.
10)Had random stomach pains.
11)Gotten bloody noses because of dried up nostrils/sinuses.
12)Gotten more chin hairs that required yanking (I know this is more likely due to aging, but at this point how is stress not a good thing to blame?)
13)Lost most interest in sex.
14)Spent a period of two weeks where I woke up from a good night's sleep crying every. single. morning.
15)Stomach problems that led to bathroom problems which led to lots of plunging and me deciding to buy stock in whoever makes Quilted Northern to possibly get some of my money back.

I may have even forgotten some stuff, but this is a pretty complete list that takes us up to now. Since the new year I've been meditating, deep breathing and trying to concentrate on the basis of what I want for me and HUBS: for us to be healthy, wealthy and happy. It's actually helping me deal with the stress of having another job I dislike to make money and dig us out of our unemployment-caused financial hole. I actually feel happier and less freaked out.

And I'm looking for better paying work (I only get $7.50 an hour at the warehouse). I interviewed last week for a receptionist job at a radio station. That'll pay lots more and I won't have to stand all day. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

What has extreme stress caused in you before?

Update: I totally forgot about October's athlete's foot travesty. Holy Jesus, y'all! I would literally wake up in the middle of the night because my feet itched so bad. God, I'm glad that's over.

Unexpected Things...Sometimes Nice

The day after Christmas HUBS and I found ourselves at Borders late at night after a long day of travel to his folks place and back. I was wandering around when I came upon a rack of books modeled after the old pulp novels from back in the day.

I picked up a book called, I kid you not, Pardon My Body, and flipped through it. This anonymous note was wedged into the pages. Nice. It kinda made my evening.

Inspiration

I know we're in the grips of bitter, winter weather right now (St. Louis got up to 7 inches of snow last night and there were wind gusts of up to 40mph Thursday) but this picture seems hopeful to me. Anyhoo...when I'm in the dumps, suffering from severe ennui or just plain depressed, I sometimes need a pick-me-up.

There are lots of things that work for this: eating salty foods, eating sweets, sleeping, watching soap operas (my life will never be that messy) or drowning my sorrows in a good fashion mag (hello, Lucky). But, really, my favorite way to feel better is to read a good quote. I've got two quote books, but I find them all the time, in magazines, movies, tv shows and online. So I've got scraps of paper all over the place with helpful sayings on them.

Here, for you, are some of my favorites.




There, have a good weekend.

Internet Anonymity Strikes Again

A few weeks ago I asked for advice. A guy named Neal, who's never commented on my blog before, popped up with some choice words for me. I tried to find out a little bit about Neal, but his profile is private so who knows what the dude is all about. But, he does not seem to like me.

Anyway, he's now commented twice on my blog and I think he's way off about a lot of stuff. You can read his words after this post and this one, but below I've highlighted (in italics) some of the things he said and why I think he's wrong. Let's go.

That precious image you've carried of yourself all these many years, the gay, fun-loving life, the social whirl, being admired for your accomplishments, being the center of attention, having it all revolve around you . . . And now confronted by the reality of being 35 and it ain't nothin' like that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Neal, you obviously don't know as much about me as you think you do. I have absolutely never been a part of any social whirl or the center of attention to anyone but my mom when I was a kid. Nothing has ever "revolved around" me and I've never been anything, admittedly, but slightly above average in most respects. I've always been firmly sure of my reality in this world, which doesn't mean I can't change it. We're not working with a caste system here.

Nope, sorry, not true. That's the fourteen-year-old speaking, the child who's convinced the world revolves around her dreams.

So, because I have dreams that makes me a child? God, you're pretentious. Congratulations on apparently not having any hopes or goals for your own life, Neal. Too bad the rest of us can't be as mature as you and not want anything. If I thought the world revolved around my dreams I'd be in relentless, bloody, damn-everyone-else pursuit of them every minute of everyday. Is anyone with the desire to move beyond their current station in life a mindless child, too? I guess all the homeless people should just give up now, huh?

You're certainly not "the ultimate Jill of All Trades," so maybe you should stop saying that to yourself.

Guess what? You don't get to tell me, or anyone else, how to define themselves. I may not be famous, but I'm a fucking good writer and photographer and I do get paid for it. I'm also a painter, chef, baker, driver, listener, joke teller, collage artist and expert maker of bathing paraphernalia. Dispute all those if you wish, but you don't know me, so you can't.

Remember when you were wide-eyed and fresh and 21? You should have married a doctor, or maybe Sergi Brin or some other dork destined to be a billionaire. A little late for that, now, huh?

I don't even know what you mean here. I shouldn't have gone to college? I shouldn't attempt to do fun, interesting, enjoyable things with my life? I should have married young, spit out a bunch of kids and lived off someone else for my whole life? How dare you suggest that that's the end all be all of what I'm good for. Again, you don't know me.

I notice that when I got a job you didn't comment on that post. I guess there was too much honest joy in that one for you. By the way, I had been looking for literally any job I could get for several months by the time you suggested it. I'd applied at every store in the mall, Borders, WalMart, Best Buy and Target among others. I knew I needed any gig that would bring in any extra money. I'm not an idiot.

You also mentioned that I was "self-centered". Who else should I be centered on when I write this blog? There's no indication anywhere on the page that it's going to be about politics, global warming, world hunger, world peace, celebrity meltdowns or how everyone can analyze their handwriting. This blog is essentially my diary. Sorry, but that means it's about me and the people in my immediate circle.

This space is for me to look at what I do, don't do, think, don't think and the reasons behind it all. And, who else is going to have my best interest at heart 100% of the time no matter when or where I am? Me. Basically, my blog my rules. If you don't like my introspection feel free to leave my house.

Didn't That Go Too Fast?

Well, I hope everyone had a truly wonderful, restful, celebratory end of 2009/beginning of 2010. What did you do, internet? Here's what HUBS and I have been up to:



As you know I got a job during the second week of December. We went out for sushi the following week to celebrate at Miso, a place in a relatively chi chi area known as Clayton. It was SO. FREAKING. GOOD. Unfortunately, my job ended last Monday. They ran out of work so all the new temps were put on "standby" for whenever they get more work in again. I feel kinda good that I actually got an extra day's pay out of them, though. See, the previous Friday they had told everyone else not to come in Monday, but since I'd worked hard enough to get put in the mail room I didn't hear that announcement and came in. They did need me in the mail room, so I worked a day more than the other temps. The mail room supervisor told me that as soon as they got more stuff in they'd call me. Until then, I've been applying for everything else I can. So, it sucks but I don't feel horrible about it.



Look at that first picture. Those, my friends, are homemade - from absolute scratch - biscuits that I made on Christmas morning. HUBS and I were supposed to leave for the 2 hour trip to his folks that morning, but they postponed the festivities until Saturday because of the insane amount of snow and ice they were getting on Christmas day.

Suddenly our day was leisurely and filled with free time. I was hit with a biscuit craving and we didn't have any of the frozen ones I like, so I got off my ass and made some from scratch. Yay! They got a bit crispy on the bottom on account of me never having made biscuits before and rolling them out a bit too thin, but I did a pretty good job with them. I even used Christmas cookie cutters to make them festive. I'm so damn cool.

I got a lot done between C Eve and C Morning. You can see the fruits of the night before in the second shot. I made dough ornaments for HUBS' parents as our gift to them. I got these fancy cookie cutters from Williams-Sonoma to cut them and then used some glitter glue to decorate. I ended up with about 18 ornaments total. And, they really liked the gift.

Here's where things get interesting. The weekend after Christmas our furnace reached its last leg. So, for a week now we've been living in below-normal-temps-for-the-inside-of-a-house conditions. We bit the bullet and bought a new one on New Year's Eve. Luckily we got 6 months same-as-cash financing so we have no payments on it until the end of that period. Before that time's up we'll get a small loan to pay the thing off. Also, since it's way more efficient than our old one we'll get a nice tax credit and save some money on our monthly bill and they're installing it right now. YAY!!!



Also on New Year's Eve, we bought this car right here. Except our red is a deeper, metallic red. I know this seems like an impractical thing to do on only one income, but HUBS' lease was up on his car and he managed to get a brand new, safer, cooler one for only about $20 a month more. Again we bought at just the right time, we got a no payments for three months deal. That's right, you guys, for three months we can use that money to pay off some bills. YESSSS!!!

After picking up the car we went to dinner (less than $10 for both of us; I am silly with coupons!) and a movie (yup, I had coupons for that too). I was even wearing makeup! All day! And I do admit I felt quite spiffy.

I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good and overall productive right now. I've realized that I feel too overwhelmed when I take on projects in big blocks of time. So, I'm doing things more "here and there" now. Instead of look-for-work-look-for-work-look-for-work for hours on end I look for jobs for a bit and then work on a freelance story a bit and then goof off a bit and so on. It's my first day working like this officially, but so far, so good.

Tell me your Christmas and New Year's stories!

There's A Bug In My Bubble Wrap

As you've heard by now, I finally landed a job. It's not bad - I spend most of my days now packing boxes, or collating papers or mailing envelopes. But, that first day was rough.

I started last Tuesday, through one of the many temp agencies I'm signed with. The agency lady told me I'd be standing, so I wore my tennis shoes. I ended up truly standing for 6 hours and 45 minutes (my work day minus lunch and breaks). I was not fully prepared. And it wasn't just the standing that did me in.

At first I was kinda happy. I have a job! I thought as I folded boxes. As the day wore on, though, I started really thinking about how I was now, finally making a living. Assembling cardboard boxes? Collating papers and packets? Working on a conveyor belt?

At one point while we were packaging and shipping (expensive) products someone lost a mailing label and we all had to go through our trash bins. That was the final straw (along with my growing ankle and foot pain). All I could think then was This is it? This is my life now? This is the best I could do?

It was exactly the mindless, meaningless work I left my old job to get away from. Only this was way lower pay for even less meaning and I had to stand all day.

I could feel an angry cry coming on. I went home and tried to calm down. Way back in 2000 I used to meditate. So I got out my book and decided to try again. It felt good in the moment, but by the time HUBS got home with inquires about my day I was driven to one of my classic fits of anger and depression. Really, it was so lovely.

In the week and two days since then, I've been trying to focus on the positive: I have a job, I'll be getting paid every week, I have a reason to leave the house and wake up in the morning, the drive is only about 15 minutes each way, this job came along right when we were dangerously close to being totally out of credit...And not focus on the negatives.

OHMMMMMMMM....Serenity. I am bigger than this job....OHMMMMMMM

I Got A Job! I Got A Job! I Got A Job!

I'm looking forward to getting on the highway to go to a place that will pay me to be there. Yeeeee!

Thank you JESUS! I just got the call today, from one of the staffing agencies I signed up with. I'll be doing some mail room/stuffing envelopes/packing/unpacking stuff. I get to wear jeans and t-shirts and I start tomorrow at 8am. It's $7.50 an hour, so this plus the freelance stuff is almost like a real salary. I don't know how long it's going to last but let's all pray that it lasts as long as I need it to, ok?

Thank God!!!!!!

Oh, That's What's Doing It

It's like there's a road I know I should be on, but I can't fucking find it for the life of me.

I've been having a lot of trouble with HUBS not helping with little things around the house. Sometime between my birthday and Thanksgiving (which was a week to the day after my birthday) I had a sudden attack of annoyance anger over HUBS not loading or unloading the dishwasher.

There wasn't a ton of yelling, but I was about to go to bed when the irritation took over again. HUBS was already in bed, laying peacefully in the dark, when I strode in and started berating him. He seemed to be a bit confused and didn't say much in response other than "I'll try to do better." I know that isn't true, but that's not really the point here.

During my cooling off period on the couch moments later I had a major realization: HUBS was never much for little household chores, not even once we bought the house. And yet, since I've been unemployed, the fact that he won't do this type of stuff without prompting really fucking bothers me. We've argued about this A LOT in the past year and a half, I'd say.

Finally, I realize why. I FEEL LIKE A HOUSEWIFE. Now, I've got nothing against housewives, but it was never my goal to be one. I wanted to be an astronomer when I was nine years old. I watched my mom sleep and eat her way through her housewifery because she spent most of my childhood depressed (I didn't find this out until sometime in college, by the way). This is not the way my life at 35 was supposed to be, God dammit.

Dishes and laundry and dusting were never supposed to make up the bulk of my day. I was supposed to do things. Go places. Make friends and have business to attend to. Not spend all day going from internet surfing to folding underwear to job searching to napping to planning dinner to waiting impatiently for my husband to come home because he's all I have.

How do I get out of this, and stop yelling at HUBS, without getting a job (since that seems unlikely anytime soon at this point)? Ideas? Suggestions from the internet? Hope? Any fucking hope at all...?

Just Today...

I hit my left boob on a door, banged my left shoulder on a corner and cut my hand on a door jamb. Dammit, I'm clumsy.

Really...?

Holy crap, you guys. It's raining again! I thought we were done with this stuff for at least a month, after having it rain for the ENTIRE MONTH OF OCTOBER.

HUBS and I went to a movie showing at The St. Louis International Film Festival last night. It was at one of our antique theaters (above) with character and only one screen. We had to stand out in the cold, blustery rain for a half an hour because a director Q & A was still going on inside and the audience from the previous film was just hanging around. Angry-making! Thank God I had an umbrella and was at least wearing a sweater and jacket, but we both needed scarves and gloves and winter coats for that shit.

Also, HUBS is a wizard...

Well...Ok

Yup. It's pretty obvious to me now - I think I'm depressed again. And I don't mean that random depression that comes when you think about something upsetting and then goes on its way when you watch your favorite tv show. I'm talking about the real, lasting depression that had me on Effexor for about five years.

Other than my anger/rage issues, I've also been feeling really overwhelmed. Even though I know in reality I barely do anything. I have three stories to write every week for my one freelance gig and two stories a month for the other gig. But...But I often feel like I have no time to do what I want or need to. There's this constant nagging in my brain to do a huge list of things, and thinking about this list makes me tired, saps whatever little energy I have and leads to me not wanting to do anything. So, often, I don't.

Last week during a moment of bright, shining clarity when I woke up in the middle of the night, I had a realization. What did I realize? I'm bored. That's right, I'm bored with my main source of income, writing bar/club reviews for an entertainment website.

I'm tired of the running around and the low pay and not getting reimbursed for the cash I spend on food and drink and having to put these excursions on my credit cards and racking up more debt and never knowing when I'll get paid or how much they'll decide to give me when I do.

This week, for instance, I'm doing a special on pies for Thanksgiving. The last time I did one of these holiday themed specials my pay was knocked down to $50 instead of my usual $100 because I didn't talk about enough different things. So, this time I asked my editor how many places I'd need to visit to get my usual fee. He said eight. One piece of pie from eight separate restaurants. Do you know how much running around that is? And how much money spending that is? For only 100 fucking dollars? Shit, I am tired.

And no matter how many jobs I apply for, I just can't keep up that hopeful feeling I had briefly that something with full-time money is around the corner. Just. Can't. Do it. I actually had another interview on Wednesday last week. During the interview the woman revealed that I would only get, at most, $7.75 an hour for this job. I'd wanted $10, which I thought was reasonable and already really, really shitty. It was a front desk job at a local YMCA; haven't heard from her and don't think I got this one either. Even though I have eight years experience handling front desk stuff.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be good for anymore. This whole process is demoralizing.

Hate.

October!

Dammit, October! Stop raining all the time, already. It's depressing. And makes my basement wet. And makes it hard to drive to my job interview in Belleville, IL. A place I know nothing about other that it's a half hour drive into another state. Yeah, October, it was real sweet how you didn't even start raining today until I left the house for my interview. Nice work, October!

STOP IT!!

Ok, I Can Breathe Now

This plant is currently unbloomed (of course), but the photo fits my lighter, more hopeful mood.

I got the results of the second blood test for my liver issue on Monday. My enzyme level has gone down to 72, which is still too high but a lot better than 153. It's looking more and more, to me anyway, that it's just because I was sick. The nurse I talked to last Friday said that could be the reason.

Even so, I've been ordered not to drink alcohol until after my check up on December 30, when my doc will take more blood and redo the test again to see if it's gone down more. I am fine with that. I told my editor at the online magazine where I do bar reviews what was going on, and I was so glad he didn't freak out about me not being able to drink.

Also, I am glad that it no longer looks like I might have something seriously wrong with me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, I had a job interview for a part-time receptionist job a couple of weeks ago that I did not get. I had to talk to two people that day, and I think the second one saw through my I'd-love-to-stay-here-a-long-time-in-this-position bullshit (they were looking for someone to do part-time for about a year and then move to full time permanently).

And, that's sorta ok. In fact, it's real ok, because I've just applied for three writing jobs that could be very cool. And I've got an interview for one tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Hmmm...I Feel Better

Could it be because the sun is shining but it's still chilly outside?

Methinks so...

Fit

I wish the title of this post referred to my firm inner thighs and tight abs, but unfortunately I'm talking about the kind of fit you have instead of are.

For a while earlier this year I was having a lot of these, throwing things and yelling and such. I had one again last night. This time, though, I hit HUBS in the stomach and when he said "Hey, what the fuck?" and backed away I threw a bag of crackers at him. Dammit.

Why did I get so upset? He'd just come home, right before 9pm, after saying he'd be home at 5:30 and then saying he'd really be home at 7:30. I had just finished eating without him (I hadn't had anything but toast all day; I tried to eat soup after I found out about the liver thing, but I think I was too worried to eat. So, after getting sick to my stomach I took about a 4 hour nap.).

I was mad that even though I'd called him and told him about the medical stuff, he didn't seem worried, or to care that I was worried. I was really hoping that he'd be home early so I could talk to him and be comforted and such. Plus? My computer keeps crashing and had just done so. So I wasn't able to get started on the story I'd been procrastinating on, like I'd wanted to.

It was one of those feelings like nothing is ever going to be right again. We literally never have any money for anything other than bills anymore, and are dangerously close to having no credit left either. We even had to take a cash advance from one of my cards last week to avoid getting overdraft fees in our checking account and to have some money for something. I really just can't seem to find a job. I put in four applications for retail places on Monday and no one has even called.

Nothing feels right. And, yeah, I was taking some undeservered stuff out on HUBS when I hit him, but I also feel like he hasn't been caring for me like he should. We've talked about this at least 3 times since I've been sick this month. I know he's been working insane hours to make overtime money for us, but when I was sick he still had to be asked and told to do things for me.

I mean, I got dizzy everytime I bent over and I still had to request that he do a little laundry. Do you realize how hard it is to go down a flight of stairs (to the basement) when you're weak and dizzy? He wouldn't so much as load the dishwasher without my prompting. Until I yelled at him. Got angry and told him to "help me dammit!"

Do you know he wouldn't even go get me a hamburger? Just a plain McDonald's hamburger. He didn't come out and say no, it was more like "Well, let's just wait and see after I finish this and we can go together blah blah blah." Fuck, I didn't feel like leaving the house. Basically, after a hard, long week at work he was finally getting to goof off online like he likes to and didn't want to deal with me (which he actually said to me, though not in so many words) when I asked him a whopping 4 hours later why he didn't just go get me a God damn burger already? Oh, and I happened to confront him about this when we were finally on the way to getting my burger, after I'd been hungry for, yes, FOUR HOURS.

I don't think I'm being outrageous here, to expect a little care from my husband when I get ill. Especially since I literally do everything for him when he's sick, and he gets sick A LOT. I even stuck by him when he got some flu-like thing a few months after we got together, when he thought he, wait for it...MIGHT HAVE AIDS. Yeah, and honestly, I think he deserved to get hit a little, though not for everything I hit him for.

This no-job-no-money-no-credit pressure is too much after 22 months of unemployment. I think we need counseling.

What The Fuck Now?

So, my doctor's office called today about the blood work I had done yesterday. Something's wrong with my liver. There's some enzyme that's supposed to be at 40, but my level is something like 153. I have to go in for more blood work tomorrow.

I'm a little bit scared.

Oh, Thank God

After getting the flu suddenly the day after my mom's birthday about two weeks ago, I finally feel a bit like a real person again.

I was fine on Tuesday. But as soon as I woke up Wednesday I had severe body aches, a roaring headache and dizziness. Do you know how unpleasant it is to get dizzy every time you bend down or stand up. It makes doing pretty much everything really hard. And a bit dangerous.

Also not good for someone who makes a scant living reviewing food? I could eat, but very little tasted right. There were three options with food: tasting basically ok, tasting like an old tree stump or tasting like something that might make me vomit. Even now, there are some things I kinda can't stand the idea of. Milk, oatmeal and ice cream being the prominent three of those things.

On the up side, I have lost weight. I tried to put on my favorite jeans (size 22) yesterday and they slid right off without me unbuttoning or unzipping them. So, yea for the flu?*

I started exercising again yesterday, but totally by accident. I went to the mall to drop off some job applications and pick up a few more. Therefore I ended up doing a lot of walking. Which totally wore me out for the rest of the day. I'm still sorta fatigued, which I hate. I did manage to do 30 minutes of toning/light walking today, so hopefully that'll help. I'm also going to the doc tomorrow for a check up, maybe he can tell me what else I can do to fully kick this thing.

Unfortunately we have other sick beings in our house, too. But I'll let you in on those tomorrow.

*By the by, my skin after a bout of fever? Excellent!