You Have Reasons To Be Excited!

I've been meditating at work. See, I need something to keep me focused on positive stuff during the breaks between calls (which can last anywhere from a few seconds to 10 minutes). I wrote down some affirmations to repeat to myself in the down time. They do seem to be helping me deal with work.

Last night as I was repeating one of my sayings (I have reasons to be excited) I realized that I was actually feeling sadder and sadder. So I made a list of my reasons to be excited.

Here goes:
-we're closer to fall
-we have $115 extra coming to us this month
-we might get into consumer credit counseling or debt relief
-I won't be doing this job for much longer
-I've done this work now and know I never want to do it again
-I've had another book idea & started working on it
-I still have gas in my car
-I might finish a book I got from the library in time to return it in two days
-I have a car
-we have pet food & litter to last a couple weeks
-we have shelter & some food
-I have a free career counseling session scheduled (for today, actually)
-found job & photo selling opportunities online over the weekend (thanks Sugar!)
-we are healthy and not dead
-no one has died for a while (As I wrote this one I was afraid I was jinxing it. Sure enough, HUBS and I found a very small black kitten in the road last night, he'd been hit by a car. Just a few hours after writing how nice it was to not have death hovering over us, there he was laying in the street. I picked him up and said a little blessing, but can't for the life of me think of a name for the little guy. I hope he went quickly.)

The net effect is that I wrote all this cool stuff that I've got going for me (we've got going for us) and yet when one bad thing happened it really did ruin what was left of my night.

I pray that you all have reasons to be excited that make the bad stuff bearable.

Happy Wednesday :)

Clearly This Is Not Going To Work

Sunday, at work, I came up with a schedule to help me plan my time so I can actually get stuff done with this freaky night time work. It's a good, reasonable itinerary. See?

get ready for bed 11:30pm
bed 12:30pm
up 8:30am
blog 9am
book work 9:30am
exercise 10am
coffee & reading 10:30am
enter contests & internet randomness 11am
nap? 12pm
lunch 1pm

It works in things I know I should be doing (exercising and working on that book idea I haven't looked at since April) and things I already do daily. There's just one problem: I hate it.

I hate being told what to do when, even by my own self, apparently. As I was writing my plan I could feel freedom falling away as I became resistant to every action in every time period. You mean I have to go to be at 12:30? And, what if I don't wanna blog first thing in the morning? Hey, who do you think you are anyway!?

Doing five random things a day has generally become pretty easy for me now. But I was looking for a way to fill my morning with things that really matter to me. Another problem I see is that there's really no breathing room here. If something comes up or I sleep late the whole plan is thrown into disarray. Like yesterday, when I ended up doing not much of anything important before work, including my list of five things to get done. I didn't even get those taken care of after work.

The prospects just ain't lookin' great, here.
--------------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I spent all my post-dinner time at work last night farting. I blame the hummus. And my wonky digestive system. And the propensity of women in my family toward excessive gassiness as they age.

Damn you heredity! Daaaaaammmnn yooooouuuuu!! *shakes fist at belly*

Very Early

Remember being happy without reservations? Me neither, but I do remember things being easier.

I've been awake for about half an hour. It's 7:06am, I got up to pee and someone happened to be mowing their lawn. Which meant it was a bit noisy. Which, in turn, meant I couldn't get back to sleep quickly. Which, therefore, meant that as I was trying to sleep I started thinking.

Thinking. Dreaded, dreaded thinking.

When I was at work last night I made a tiny list of things I wanted to buy/do with the money I'm going to get today; the money I made at work last week (thank GOD for weekly paychecks).

It was a small, rather modest list that went like this:

Buy
-Stray Food
-HUBS undies
-Green Tea Growth Treatment
-Hot Dogs
-Beef
-Sausage
-Tater Tots
-Schnucks Asiago Rolls
-Frozen Veggies
-Cereal
-Coffee
-Canned Goods
-Brown Sugar

Do
-$3 in savings?
-54th Street anniversary dinner?
-$10 Verizon?
-Other Bills?

The questions marks are because I didn't know how much of my check we'd get to play around with after paying bills, but until HUBS gets paid next Friday. Turns out it's only $8.

HUBS let me know this last night when he finally got home around 11:05pm, after doing about six hours of work gratis for the second night in a row because his school district (as large and acclaimed and fairly well-off as it is) has no money left for overtime pay.

He was freaked out about his gas card. It's now basically maxed out, meaning we won't even be able to put gas in our cars if we're out of cash. I'm guessing if it comes to that, one of us is going to have to take the bus to work. And that 'one of us' is probably going to be me.

Here I am, working again, and it's still not enough. HUBS was talking about trying to sell the house last night. I'm going to have to get a part-time job during the day. Or, find someone to pay me for my writing. Because it's good, right? You like this blog post and the others and my writing is mainly what makes up these posts, right?

Sorry guys. Just a little early morning depression. Thanks, as always, for listening. And, if you have any freelance writing job leads, let me know. (Yes, I'm totally serious about that.)

Have a great weekend :)

Careery

Come to mamma...

It's 10:59pm and I'm hungry. That's what I get for having popcorn for dinner at work because I was too lazy to fix a proper meal to lug along.

Also, HUBS is not home yet. I've tried calling him at work, but, well, see...My cell phone got shut off Monday. So, I've got his cell in case I need to make calls during the day. And since he's rarely at his actual desk at work, he's generally not around to hear the phone.

Not to harp here, guys, but I'm really fucking hungry. But I want to wait for HUBS to get home so we can eat together. Dammit.

In other news, I went in to work today with a positive, go-get-em attitude. I filled the time between calls by writing down all the recipes I've been coming up with lately. I plan to enter a shit load of cooking contests and win so much money that I never have to work for the man again. The End.

I know a lot of my problem with traditional office-type jobs is my attitude. I tend to get bogged down in the boredom and hatred and slog through every little task. Having a little assignment for the down time helped me avoid that today. And? That was nice.

Is Anybody Else Sweating Through Their Clothes Yet?

This is pretty. Heat stroke is not.

I feel quite a bit better today. Mostly because HUBS was home from work and I got to take his air-conditioned car to my job-o. And, since his car's all new and spiffy-like, it has a temperature gauge. Guess how hot it was when I got into the car?

ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVEN DEGREES!

Jesus, Pete and Mike, y'all!!!

Stay cool everybody!

Blarg...

Ick, sucky day, ick.

Tomorrow will be better, right?

I hope you all had a better day than me.

So, Citygirl, How's Work Going?

Well, it's going just fine, internet. Thanks for asking. Aside from the heat and lack of air circulation in the office, things are mostly alright. The people are nice and so far I've made $294.

Monday was interesting. I kept getting random, shooting pains in my right boob and had to keep grabbing and massaging it. Inappropriate at the office? Sure. Do I care? Only for an additional two bucks and hour, so...no.

On Tuesday I tried to look real nice (we can basically wear whatever we want), so I put on my green sateen walking shorts that I bought at Walmart a couple of years ago. Well, it's butt-fucking hot outside and I have no air conditioning in my car and, as I said, it's kinda hot and stuffy in the office as well. About an hour into fanning my way through the work day I adjusted my pants and noticed two huge panty line shaped sweat spots on the front of my pants. Awesome. Not at all embarrassing. I swear. Thank God I was able to fan them dry before I needed to get up from my desk.

The only bad thing about the job (aside from the boredom) is getting off work at 9:30pm. It's screwing with my eating. I have dinner at work, but as soon as I get home and see HUBS all I want to do is sit down and have a meal with him. I had just been eating a piece of cake after work (bad enough), but last night I gave in to full-on fast-food-o-rama. He had just gotten home and wanted a shake from Steak-n-Shake and Burger King, so, naturally, I joined him. One mocha shake, Whopper Jr, and a shared order of medium fries and onion rings later I felt sorta disgusted with myself and way too full.

Though, I must say, the food was so, so, gooood.

I Didn't Tell You About The Ants, Did I?

Last Sunday was awesome. I cannot tell you guys how wonderful it is to walk into your kitchen at 10 am on a Sunday morning to find ants swarming all over the counter, sink, stove and cabinets. Actually, I can tell you: IT WAS HORRIFYING.

Now, for the past couple of months I'd seen ants here and there around the house. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, I did something about it by drawing a chalk outline around all the windows (I saw this work - ants really don't like chalk), which is where I figured they were coming from. I didn't see any ants for a few days and then BAM! Kitchen Ant Farm City.

As you can imagine this was way worse than having a couple of ants in the living room, bedroom and bathroom. Since, you know, the kitchen in where our food is. I had to spray the sink, counter tops, cabinets and floors about three times in two days, and it took until last Friday for me to stop seeing any ants at all. And, at the same time all this was going on, we discovered we have an actual fucking hole in our bathroom sink pipe. Since nothing is ever easy around here, the hole is in the pipe that goes into the wall, not the one we could easily replace. Yay!

Home ownership is such a joy, isn't it?

Taking Care Of Business

Don't let his cool exterior fool you. Tux loves money.

So I got word from my temp agency today that the job will officially last 2 1/2 weeks (starting tomorrow...EEEEK!). We've got some things we definitely need to buy with that money a little at a time. Here's the list, so I don't forget important stuff (Or get my hands on a check and go Oooh, money! Must. Have. Expensive. Cheeses.).

Things To Get

1) 2 forms of birth control. Uh, since we're really strapped right now I have been without my standard, mandatory two birth control thingies: Nuva Ring and Conceptrol.

2) Giant litter box with lid. In the past three months we've gone through about four litter boxes. We're having logistical issues with liner ripping and size which have led to boxes being thrown out in anger because they're literally crapped up and to having to pick up loads of litter and doody off the basement floor. No more. We've got our eyes on a box at PetCo.

3) Water filter. Our faucet filter was supposed to be replaced early last month. We'll need to get that done now.

4) Pet meds/Tux's annual vet visit. We've got three cats to keep Revolutioned up. A six month supply lasts two months split among them. And? It's time for Tux to get all his shots.

5) Food. Oh God, y'all. We had to seriously truncate our grocery shopping last time. I had to forgo buying animal crackers, mayo and chips, and we still spent more money than we should have. I am going to buy some good food. And, yes, I will buy at least one expensive-ass cheese.

6) An item of clothing, possibly a blazer. The interview suit I got two years ago is way too baggy and unstructured on me now. I fully intend to have it tailored when I get something more permanent, but until then, I at least need a blazer that fits better and won't kill me in the heat.

7) Anniversary-worthy dinner out. We're not talking about spending 100 bucks, but at least 50. This will likely involve booze.

That'll probably about do it for sort-of-extraneous spending from my temp job. It feels good to know that I'll be contributing financially again. Fuck, it really feels good.

Two Years And A Good Hat Later...

This is HUBS. Today, we've been married for two whole years. It occurred to me earlier that these two years have probably been filled with more strife than they would have otherwise, since I left my job mere months before our wedded union. Like how we're not going out or getting gifts tonight because we're out of significant amounts of cash for the next two weeks.

But, hopefully the next 3 to 4 weeks will be easier. I got called today for a temp assignment that should last at least that long. It's a telemarketing job. As excited as I am about making some money again, I'm a bit nervous too. I don't want to hate it. I hate hating things! Well, I start Thursday; let's all pray that I enjoy this enough to not cry at work for the next month!

Cooking And Eating And Things

Fresh green beans, brown rice and pork chops. I killed it!

A couple of weeks ago I bitched about food/cooking/summertime heatwave stuff, and wouldn't you know it, just a couple of days later I made the fab meal above. Here's how I made it.

Green Beans
HUBS' parents had given these to us from their garden the day before, but I didn't want to boil them because A) that's how I always make them and B) we had just had them like that at his folks' house. I decided to fry them in margarine. I know, I know...It sounds like it's horrible for you. Well, it tasted fucking fantastic so let that be a consolation. I washed and snapped the beans while margarine was melting in the skillet, and added sea salt and cracked pepper once I put them in. As they cooked I chopped up some almonds and stirred them around with the beans. When that stuff was almost done I added light feta cheese to the pan so it would get all melty.

Pork Chops
Baking was out of the question since it was almost 100 degrees outside. (Yes, we have central air. Why do you ask?) I got another skillet, sprayed lightly with cooking spray, salted and peppered the chops and threw them in.

Brown Rice
While all this other wonderfulness was going on I cooked a pot of brown rice with two chicken bullion cubes for flavor. I think that little trick is one of the best culinary things I've come up with lately. You don't need to add anything else to that rice.

I am completely proud of this meal! And, I've made a few good ones since this, too. Of course, now we're mostly out of dinner-type food, and since I have to wait until HUBS gets paid to go shopping we had a different kind of dinner last night. It's what I like to call a Side Dish Dinner. This is where you doctor up easy side dishes as much as possible to make them dinner-worthy. We had mashed potatoes from two mixes (loaded baked potato and sour cream and chives flavors) with Kraft whole wheat mac & cheese (with Mexican corn, sun-dried tomatoes, hot sauce and chopped turkey pepperoni added). It was surprisingly filling and good.

How are you guys beating the heat in the kitchen these days?

What They Don't Tell You

Small splurge #1 thanks to my mom: two rings from girlprops.com that I've been lusting over for Four Whole Months. Thanks Mom!

I've been largely unemployed for over two years now (minus the 5 months at the
warehouse) and I've realized something. Being unemployed makes you cheap.

Overall this isn't a bad thing. I look for deals more often, use more coupons (even though I must say that I've always been a bit addicted to deals and coupons anyway), and wait a lot longer to buy things if I buy at all.

The part I don't like is that even the most reasonable prices seem too high for everything, all the time. HUBS and I both have the occasional stomach problems, meaning we go through tons of toilet paper. I cannot tell you how many times I've looked at the price for my favorite kind of TP and thought Dammit! $6.98! Who do they think I am? King Midas, for fucks sake! And, really, I know $7 for 12 double rolls of my favorite TP is a reasonable indulgence. I mean, it amounts to about $14 a month, unless I have a coupon.

Clothes, jewelry and other accessories give me the same feeling. Logically, I know $40 isn't bad for a well-made blouse, and it's really good for something like a dress or blazer, but if anything costs more than $10 I don't want to pay for it. Actually, not only do I not want to pay for it, but I usually rant and curse and rave against the manufacturer. Who do they think they are? Those piece a shit shoes aren't worth $98! They don't even cover the whole foot! God Damn them...!



Another small bit of loot included these girly things: lip balm, glitter eye shadow and glitter nail polish. I think there may be a theme there.

The net effect is that I want to buy less. I honestly don't want things the way I used to. Even magazines are less appealing, since I'm not using them to get shopping ideas like I used to. The idea of shoes and purses and jewelry is nice, but I'm pretty much sticking with my list of wants for what to buy when I can, a little at a time. Impulse purchases are pretty much non-existent now. And that's nice when you have little disposable cash and no credit to speak of.

Being unemployed is keeping me out of trouble. Finally.

Ahhh...

So ends an entire week of HUBS on vacation. He's quite the Type A personality, so we did spend last Monday, alone, at his office so he could finish a project that he felt was going to take over his thinking if it went undone while he tried to vacay.

As so often happens when I accompany HUBS to work, it turned into an hours long extravaganza. We spent 11 and a half hours there. Him working, me reading books, magazines and going through a collection of new links to see what I wanted to look into further. I actually got a lot done myself. After, at 2:30 in the morning because that's when we left his office, we went to Denny's for coffee and apple pie a la mode. Going anywhere at that hour feels like a little adventure, doesn't it?

It was good to have you home HUBS. We did way more stuff then I thought we would (I'll fill you guys in over the next week). Can't wait 'til next time.

Summertime

How was your July 4th? I hope it was all awesome and shit, 'cause mine totally was, despite the oppressive heat, excessive sunshine, rainstorm, dust storm, sweaty, salty, excessive walkingness of it all.

HUBS and I were planning a nice trip across the river to Alton IL for their probably laid-back, small town 4th fest. Then on Sunday when I was looking for all the details, we realized they do all their celebratory stuff BEFORE Independence Day. Shitty small town! You have lost our business! Be ashamed, Alton!

HUBS was determined to do something, so he scrambled and stumbled upon the happenings in O'Fallon MO. For absolutely no money we could park at a local high school, take a shuttle to their ballpark/recplex/superfuncenter watch Toad the Wet Sprocket, Eve 6, Five for Fighting and then see fireworks.

Ummm...Yes!



Toad the Wet Sprocket. Rock stars don't wear underwear, so they were probably safe.

We got there in plenty of time to set up beach towels on the lawn for Toad, but as much as I love them they were not enough to make me un-notice the ridiculous heat. I can honestly say it liquefied my panties. I had no underwear left, people. There was, blissfully, the occasional light breeze, but that damn sun was beating down like a muthafucka. Luckily, I had an umbrella to shade my sensitive self.

That umbrella also came in handy because it rained like an angry bitch for about three hours; one of which we spent under the only non-food or game related shelter in the area with roughly 100 other fest-goers. I don't think I've ever been trapped outside in the rain before. I swear, new experiences all the time around here. Interesting.



Waiting for the rain to slow down. It was nice to not sit on the ground for a while.

After listening to the second band (under my umbrella), getting some very good carnie food (BBQ chicken nachos and funnel cake) and watching HUBS take a picnic bench nap, I decided to do another pre-total-darkness photo walk while band #3 was on.




Can I just say? When I got back a little boy had sat beside my spot and, really, I couldn't tell which of us smelled worse. My thought process went something like this: Ooh, he stinks. Wait, is that...me? No, that can't be me. I don't smell like that when I stink. But, my underwear did evaporate several hours ago and my lady bits have been soggy the whole time. When did that last happen? God only knows what effect that's had on my natural, delicate, sexy flower-like scent.

Anywho, it wasn't long before we moved to the main stage field for fireworks, which were amazing because they always are.




After a packed day of sitting, standing and a modest amount of walking I was not prepared for what happened next. Instead of taking the shuttle back to our car, we elected to walk back.

How this happened is not important. What you need to know is that it seemed like we were parked just around the corner and down the street, but we were not. We were actually parked around the corner and down 52 STREETS.

The walking was crazy-making. And to do it without panties on while not killing anyone in an outrageous fit of hot red rage was a special feat I am completely proud of.



Let's all be glad I didn't kill this woman. She probably wouldn't have deserved it.

For two days after that my hips hurt. I still have a heat rash on both arms and my neck and destroyed, poofy hair. I also believe the walking led to some kind of nerve damage in my right arm; it felt, for days, like it was itching from the inside, possibly from too much sudden exercise. The best part? It was all worth it.

Happy 4th, y'all!

First Order Of Business...

Calling the bank tomorrow morning to see if they would please not hit us with 4 overdraft fees for the bounced debit card purchases.

I don't like that this has happened yet again, but I can honestly say I'm not tremendously upset. I think I may have really gotten to the point where I get that getting angry, in most cases, doesn't really get me anywhere constructive. Yeah, it's fun, even cathartic, sometimes to just get it out, but it doesn't usually solve the problem that made me mad in the first place.

Let's all pray that I can convince the bank to relax a bit tomorrow.

Good night, all.

Again With The Food

An especially good meal. From September.

Summer. Hot. We've been having an early heat wave here in St. Louis, and aside from the fact that this means I've been carrying icy cold water with me whenever I leave the house, this also means the idea of cooking (on the stove, in the oven) makes me sad.

It's got me longing for my good old single days when I could just eat a bowl of cereal and a popsicle and be done for the night. With HUBS around? This will never do.

See, he needs meat. All day, all night; 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. If we're not eating sandwiches twice a day (lunch and dinner) this means cooking. On the stove. Or, God help us all, in the oven.

I am tired of cooking everything I cook. Rice. Pasta. Chicken. Pork chops. Steak. Sausage. Beef in its many forms. Vegetables. I just want to stay cool, y'all, but HUBS won't let me!

And don't mention fast food to me. Really. Or HUBS cooking. I'm sick of all the fast and semi-fast food in the city, and HUBS can only cook three things: pasta (blah), burgers (eh) and fries (we're about 75% potato now).

This house holds scores of recipes, it's not the preparation that's stale. It's the food. How, internet, how can I satisfy my meat lover and my desire to not cook during the summer? Advice please! Tell me!

Candy Good!!

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM&M

Have you guys seen these? We tried them a couple of months ago and loved them. The ratio of pretzel to chocolate to candy is exactly right, plus there's a teeny bit of salt with the pretzel that makes everything pop. Yum!

HUBS has been buying an insane amount of candy lately, especially M&M's. I'm usually pretty good with eating my favorites (reds and blues - I swear they taste the best) and leaving the rest to him, but lately I've been M&Ming like a fiend, too. Not good.

Maybe it's backlash from when I was a kid and my mom never allowed me to have candy in the summer. Gum and mints were ok, but she was positive that anything else was bound to have worms in it. Apparently this happened a lot when she was a kid, so she finally learned her lesson. I have to say, there was one time my dad decided not to listen to her silly candy fears and bought a Bit-O-Honey. He took a bite and, sure enough, found a worm.

I just realized that story has no business in a supposedly appetizing post about good candy you should try. Oh well, here we are anyway.

Have a nice weekend!

Awesomeness is Awesome!

HUBS and friend. Let's call him Zombie Apocalypse.

You know how when you get back from vacation, and you spend a couple of days getting back into your routine (doing laundry, working with stupid people, making lunches...), it can feel like you were never gone at all? That's how I've been feeling this week, because Saturday was so much fun it felt like a vacation.

HUBS only has one friend, Zombie Apocalypse, from when he was growing up that he still keeps in contact with. About a month ago he let HUBS know that he and his wife would be heading through St. Louis on their way home to Ohio from Oklahoma, and asked if they could stay with us. Of course we said yes. HUBS and ZA haven't seen each other for, hold on now...15 YEARS!!

We were both looking forward to Saturday; it prompted me to clean some things I've been neglecting (blinds, walls, window sills, baseboards) and it's the only concrete opportunity we've had lately to socialize with people who are not family or ourselves.

Anyway, the day was so much fucking fun! I think I was nervous, because I barely got any sleep the night before, but we all got along like we see each other all the time. I'd never met either ZA or his wife, Gentle Teacher, but everything was just plain awesome!



We went to:

The Gumbo Shop for lunch.

The St. Louis Art Museum, The Old Cathedral and The Arch for touristy stuff.

Ted Drewes for Route 66 historical frozen custard goodness.

Miso for sushi dinner.

There was lots of talking, laughing, political commiserating and bonding. Gentle Teacher had brought her do along and we let him stay in our bathroom while we did our running around. I was a lot calmer about having a dog in the house when she told us he was a therapy dog for autistic children; I knew he'd be well trained and unlikely to tear anything up.



I swear, this is one of the best, fullest days we've had in a long, LONG time. I want to know more people and do more things with them! I want to talk to folks and have them in my house! I want to socialize like a normal adult! I want to have mutual friends with HUBS so we can go on double dates! Double dates!! I want to have fun like this on a weekly basis!

WEEKLY!!! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea! Yea!

Sundays Are For Parents

Today was Father's Day. I hope everyone who's a good dad or who has a good dad was able to enjoy the day.

I was reading through an old issue of Real Simple a couple of weeks ago that happened to be from June some years ago. They had a special where they asked readers to tell them about their favorite piece of advice from their dads. It got me thinking; I don't remember my dad giving me a single bit of advice. Really. Nothing.

I wasn't bothered by this, I just found it odd. Do I not remember just because I don't like him? Or, did he honestly not advise me on stuff when I was growing up? Strange.

And then I realized that my mom has given me lots of advice, but I don't specifically remember most of it. It was generally lots of sage-y, most-adults-know-this-stuff type of advice. Except for her advice on fighting. I actually remember the exact moment of that talking-to.

We were in the car, and I think it was after I got into my one and only fight in school when I was 12. I distinctly remember my mom telling me to "fight to kill" whenever I needed to so that others would be reluctant to mess with me. I mostly remember that because, even at the time, I thought the sentiment was a bit...excessive. But, I did appreciate knowing that mom would be ok with it if I killed someone in self-defense.

Thanks Mom. Happy Father's Day.

Today Was...

One of those days when I tried to get things done and the universe said NO, NO, NO. Couldn't clean up the basement, couldn't apply for a HELOC, couldn't send a message to my credit card company through their contact page.

Also? I'm having stomach issues left over (I think) from my sudden illness Tuesday morning. (Take my word for it, if you think the milk is bad don't drink it!)

Ick.

I Am Completely Relaxed

Really...I feel, for the first time in two years, like it's all honestly going to be alright. Maybe I'm finally out of anger, confusion, bitch-fire. Maybe it's because of the book I read last month, Steering by Starlight.

One of the basic ideas is that you know when you've made the right decision about something because you'll feel free. That's exactly how I felt in January 2008 when I left my job and exactly how I felt last month when I decided to never return to the filthy warehouse to work. They called me back early last month, and I went for four days.

Then I thought about what was happening: I spent two of those days crying at work, two more taking extended bathroom breaks where I played games on my phone. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach every night before I went in and each morning when I woke up. I could never get to work on time (that was something that started back in March) no matter how early I got up. This was all just like my other job all over again. I know me. If I hadn't quit I'd be there for several years before I got the nerve.

So, here we are. Still not much money coming in and way too much going out. We have bills we can't pay and groceries we can't buy. But, I somehow feel calm. Calm like never before. I actually don't care why. I'm just glad I've got it, and hope I can turn that calm into the confidence I need to get my ideas off the ground.

Pray for me, y'all.

Just Call Me Crotchety McGibbons

I'm becoming mighty prickly.

I think not having a good, close group of friends is making me grouchy. See, we have these neighbors. They moved into the nice, big house next door late last fall. And since then they have proceeded to host every kind of party and get-together known to man. Housewarmings, dinner parties, baby showers, wedding showers, study groups and God only knows what else. Sometimes, like last week, they have two parties within a couple of days.

Sometimes the entire street is lined with cars...for them. Often our parking spots right in front of our house are taken. This irritates me and HUBS more than you can imagine. And, since we're both overly introspective people we know why that is. It's not because of the parking spots, really. It's because they have friends.

People who willingly spend oodles of time with them, talking/laughing/commiserating/celebrating/dining and all the other things friends do with each other.

I'm incredibly embarrassed by this. HUBS and citygirl are jealous. Jealous of nice, fun-loving people who brought us cookies when they first moved in, again on Christmas day and left Valentine's treats for us.

We've been meaning for months to ask them out for coffee. They're young and seem nice and not-at-all-crazy (unlike so many of our neighbors) and they live right next door. Aside from the fact that we've had a lot going on, I think the real reason we haven't manned-up and done it is that we're scared and intimidated. Can two people who haven't had close friends is several years (that's us) make friends with two people who have gaggles of buds (that's them)? Will they like us? Will they think we're weird and move to get away from us? They are social and they are liked, can people who are THAT LIKED like us?

I know all we can do is try, and that the worst that would likely happen is we won't hit it off. I'm really awed by my inexperience in the making-friends area of this big ball of odd we call life.

Any suggestions from the internet?

I'm Selling Things...Wanna Play?

Money talk bores Tux. And, sorry, not selling the cat.

So, in an effort to help fund some things I want to do and help take a bit of financial pressure off of HUBS, I've got some stuff I'm purging in order to make a bit of cash.

First off, I'm selling movies, TV on DVD collections, bellydance and yoga fitness VHS tapes, books and video games here at half.com. The movies are only $1 to $1.50! I'm selling season 1 & 2 of Angel, seasons 1, 3 & 4 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and editions of the graphic novel continuations of both shows (among other things)...For some pretty good-ass prices if I do say so myself!

I'm also doing the ebay thing. I'm selling a cool pair of UNWORN sandals, lightly used Martha Stewart with Wedgwood bone china and 2010 Mazda 3 floor mats. Yay!

Now, here's where the big stuff comes in. I've tried selling magazines on ebay before and have never gotten any hits, so I'm eliminating the middle-man here and going directly to the source...You guys!



I'm selling my Glamour magazines. For 2009 I have April, May and July through December. For 2010 I have January through April.



I'm sending my People StyleWatch mags to a better home, too. The issues are May 2009 through December 09/January 2010 (June/July and Dec/Jan are combined issues).



If you love InStyle, I can help you out! I've got the June 09, July 09, September 09 and special Fall 2009 makeover issues available. I also have three UK editions of the magazine, which retail in the US for $8.50 (yes, I'm a bit embarrassed I spent that much on a magazine). The UK editions are May 09, July 09 and March 10.



Home design fans can have my back issues of Elle Decor from April 09 through March 10.



If you need a mixed bag, how about this: Harper's Bazaar (April and June through October 09), Marie Claire (October and November 09), Elle (June 09) and Cosmo (October 09).



If photography's your thing, I've got a fine collection of American Photo magazine, May 09 through February 10.

Now, for the details. All magazine are $1! I'd prefer to sell them by title as listed above, but if you buy at least five issues I'll be willing to split them up. If you buy a huge stack, they'll be shipped in a flat rate Priority Mail box. Priority shipping costs (which you pay) will range from $4.95 to $14.50, but you'd basically have to buy all the magazines I've listed for me to need a box that big! Shipping for a small magazine order, let say five to eight titles, will be $8. All payments will be via Paypal.

If none of that sounds like it's up your spending alley, I also have a gorgeous photo blog where you can buy prints of any photos you see there. Go here and look at the side bar for details.

Phew! Now, go forth and email all your fashion fiend, bellydancing, Angel and Buffy loving friends. Tell everyone you know! Help me let the masses know that the Sale. Is. ON!

Wha???

How in the hell did we get to fucking June already? I swear, the older I get the more it's like time has no meaning whatsoever.

Remember how, when you were a little kid, it seemed like the school year would neeeever eeeeeeeend? And then, during your freshman year of high school (after you realized there was just going to be more of the same clique-y bullshit as in junior high) you felt like graduation was decades away? Then, before you knew it you'd already graduated from college, gotten your first real job, quit that one, gotten another, moved a lot and now here we are at 35 with only a few months left to 36 and 40 staring us down fast and furious?

Well, I have to say, though, I'm already looking forward to fall. Oh yeah...

So Glad...

* for summer fruits and veggies
* HUBS has a 3 day weekend
* I mixed two nail polishes together and got a cool, sparkly, plummy color for my toes
* it finally stopped raining
* I quit my factory job
* I read Steering by Starlight
* for kittens frolicking
* for a break from oppressive heat
* I can go pant-less all day
* we might be able to get away next weekend
* I've gotten good things done the past couple of days
* that I have creative ideas
* about the new blog project I'm working on
* for my readers (Thank you! And have a wonderful holiday weekend!)

Blah, No Blah

Mom likes the idea.

Ok, so, I've spent the past two weeks sitting on the couch every day, all day, meaning to do something worthwhile with all this free time but never doing it. I've let myself get to that broody place where all the things I should be doing feel pointless.

I have to pull myself out of this. Part of my problem is always my never ending to-do list filled with thing after thing after thing. The less I do, the longer that fucking list grows. So, I have a new goal. Tonight, after another solid day of nothing-doing (With the exception of laundry...Yea, clean pants!) I broke up my to-dos into a 5-thing-a-day list-per-day.

I can accomplish five stupid little things each day.

Right?

Because We Have No Sense Of Proportion

Even more personalities in our tiny, little house. Poor Tux.

I have continually neglected to write about the fact the HUBS and I now have two additional cats. Even though we'd looked into getting another cat last summer (which didn't pan out), these additions were totally by accident. (By the way, this post is long, but if you care about cat stuff it should be a fairly rewarding read for you.)

Last September, HUBS and I came home one Sunday to find two kittens huddled up together in the middle of the street. They didn't move as our car drove up, so HUBS honked at them. They didn't budge. I got out of the car to shoo them along...Still, no moving. I had to literally get right up on them and scream to scare them off. We decided that these kittens were absolutely not ready for the world of a stray cat if they didn't move for a car careening toward them, and set out to catch them and take them to the Humane Society.

They were teeny, so we got Tux's carrier and HUBS suited up in long sleeves, gloves and a hat to prepare for The Inevitable Clawing. When we came back outside one kitten was across the street and one was in our walkway with some other strays. We went for the closest one first.

This was a kitten we'd been keeping our eyes on and had named Shakes because when you got close to him he wouldn't move but would begin to shake uncontrollably. Shakes was so out of it, that HUBS was able to sneak up on him and catch him without much trouble. We got the little guy into the carrier with a minimum of screeching and scratching. Once he was in there and realized he couldn't get out, Shakes totally took a nap.

Now we had to head across the street to our neighbor Fred's driveway where Shakes' apparent brother was hiding. Fuck, that kitten was fast! We chased him all over the driveway and yard and finally gave up when it became obvious he was completely capable of avoiding capture. We named him Speedy for this very reason.

We headed with Shakes to the Humane Society, as planned, to give him up. Then the intake lady explained that if we left him there they wouldn't give us any info on how he was doing or if he got adopted or anything. We'd have to make a total clean break. I was almost ok with that...Until she added that if they couldn't un-sick Shakes they'd have to put him down.

Holy God. Guys, I started to cry. I'd seen so many anonymous cats die in the past few months that the idea of Shakes dying without us getting to know him made me really fucking upset. HUBS asked if I wanted to take him and I said yes without hesitation. When we brought him home he was about 5 weeks old, had parasites, a shit load of fleas and a terrible upper respiratory infection. And, he looked like this:



After months of several-times-a-day medicine, a shit storm of shots and vaccinations and getting him fixed in February so he would stop dry humping the other stray we took in, he looks like this:



Also known as Shaker Cat, Shakers, Sir Shakelton and Dammit Cat Stop It!

The story of our second cat is a bit less traumatic. Luanne Sugarbaker (long lost sister of Julia and Suzanne Sugarbaker - two other strays) spent a full two weeks sleeping day and night either in our yard or on our front porch. About a week into taking care of Shakes, we came home one Friday night to find Luanne on our porch. She let HUBS pet her and then let him pick her up. If you know anything about stray cats they DO NOT DO THIS. They are extremely wary of people, and for good reason.

I begged HUBS to put her down and not get any more attached. We already had two cats. Shakes was sick and needed to be kept away from Tux, meaning we had to lock him away in the bathroom and if we took in another sick pet (she pretty obviously had the same upper respiratory infection Shakes was battling) we'd have to lock her away in a totally separate location. Which would mean the basement. Which would mean Tux's litter box would have to go in the kitchen...Near the stove.

HUBS got his bearings and we walked into the house to put down our things. We turned around to close the door and little Luanne was in the house. Right behind us, in our living room. HUBS gave me a look that said Look! She's in the house! She wants us to love her! Pleeeeeeaaaassseee?! I gave in way quicker than I should have, but that's how we took in Luanne.

Now, her before and after:



Also known as Lou, Lady Big Paws and Oh My God You're So Weird

Oh Boy...

A desperate list I couldn't even finish.

In the past couple of months I've renewed my obsession with reading self-help books. This was something I used to do all the time from the early 2000s until about five years ago. I stopped for two reasons. One, almost all self-help books tend to say the same stuff in different ways. So, after you read about three of the things you're going to keep getting the same info over and over.

The second reason I stopped was my own odd tendency to feel like I'm accomplishing something when I'm actually procrastinating and hiding. What do I mean? I mean that reading self-help books has the same effect on me as entering contests online, somehow I feel a little like I'm earning money when I enter, even though I know that's a stupid feeling. When I read self-help books I feel like I'm working toward my goals, but in actuality I'm just reading a book and not really doing concrete work to fulfill my dreams.

I started up again because I was so depressed about working yet another job I loathed, but even more than the last one I hated. I felt I needed a little boost, and this has turned into me reading about six self-help books in four months.

Here's where the oh boy comes in. I've been reading a book called The Joy Diet. There's a part that tells you it's necessary to give yourself small treats for taking risks that will further your goals. The writer has you do an exercise where you list 10 things that make you smile, so you can use those things as treats.

Do you know what? After writing three things, I completely stalled. I started to think of all the stuff I like or even love: organizing the house, getting rid of things we don't need anymore, cooking, writing, photography, watching movies, reading fashion magazines and tearing out tips and photos, reading books, HUBS, the light at sunset, the light at sunrise, watching good tv...None of these things make me smile all the time. They make me feel good at least 90% of the time, but they don't make me actually smile.

It was months ago when HUBS told me I never smile anymore. I conceded that I'd been moody/angry a lot, but, Of course I smile!, I said. And now, trying to make this list, I see that he's likely very right. I absolutely love taking pictures and writing; why the fuck do they not make me smile? If nothing makes me smile, what does that mean? What have I become?

This is why HUBS so often knocks himself out doing goofy, ridiculous stuff in an effort to make my mouth turn up at the corners. I'm really not smiling anymore.

HUBS. I've become a huge drag. I'm sorry.

Things I Have No Interest In

Even though I feel, sometimes, helplessly confused about how exactly to get what I want out of life, I do believe most of my basic preferences are pretty much set. I think it's absolutely true that people just get more set in their ways as they age. And, as I get older, I realize some things just aren't for me.

1) Walking barefoot. I don't get it and never have. Isn't that how you get tapeworms...or something?

2) Politics. I've tried. I honestly have. But, aside from a passing interest that'll let me vote with some confidence, I'd rather not think about it.

3) Drinking. Now that my bar reviewing days appear to be over, I love not drinking alcohol when I go out if I don't want to. And for the past three weeks, I haven't wanted to.

4) Hostessing. I have never thrown a party as an adult. Or a get-together at my home. Hell, I've rarely even had company. 99% of my own family has never even seen my house. As much as I think life may be easier/more fun if I were all social like, I like it like that. I know my folks, most of them don't give a shit about their own stuff, much less anyone else's. Plus, I've seen people disrespect other's hard earned things dozens of times. I'd really hate to let a lot of folks (or a few even) into my house to have fun and see my place fucked beyond my liking. Really. Would. Hate.

5) Deadlines and repetition. I know, I know - an inevitable fact of life, especially for a creative, freelancing type like me. But, from college to the present day I've watched myself begin to hate things I love after being endlessly forced to do them repeatedly and according to someone else's schedule. It's stupid. Can I change it? Maybe not. Would life be easier if I could? Probably yes.

6) Swallowing pills. An issue from the time I was a little kid. Taking even the smallest pill floods my mind with visions of choking to death. I am nothing if not imaginative!

7) Reality tv. Sure, I flirted with The Real World 18 years ago when I was a high schooler who dreamt of life outside those hideous walls. Now, though, the endlessness of the stupidity is nothing but unbearably irritating and boring. Unless we're talking about So You Think You Can Dance? or America's Got Talent. I'm all over that shit every time.

8) Keeping friends. I have, at 35 years old, failed to make one deep, long-lasting friendship. Aside from HUBS, my closest friend lives 5 hours away and we barely communicate. Though when we do it's just like old times, which is good, at least. And I've recently reconnected with a high school/college/mid-20s friend since she found me on Facebook, but she lives in Boston now. I'd love to have a good friend right here to commiserate with, hang with and laugh with other than HUBS. I can't decide if I know too little or too much about myself to make that happen.

9) Being outgoing. Sure, I've had spurts here and there that always take a Herculean effort. I'm quiet. I'm a thinker. I'm a listener. I'm a seether. That's me.

10) Kids. Bully for you if you adore the little buggers and want to have loads of them. I can honestly say the idea of child birth/child rearing/child-being-around-all-the-time has never struck me as something I need to do. I don't hate kids or people who have kids. I simply don't feel the pull.

11) Not creating. Here I am writing a blog that only a few people read which makes me no money, and yet I do it anyway. I love to write without boundaries. I also love photography, music, art and the occasional random creative pursuit. I love making things, and make I shall continue to do.

What do you have no interest in?

A New Way To Do Things

A Little Thing

Something I've been working on this year is reading more books. I used to read all the time. My mom was a voracious reader when I was a kid. She loves Stephen King, Dean Koontz and Louis L'Amour. She would start reading a book after I left for school, stay up all night and be done with it by the time I left for school again the next day. And then, promptly start on another one. Plus, we're talking about sometimes huge books here, often upwards of 400 pages. Finished in 24 hours.

A few months ago I noticed how lacking my book-reading had become. In the past couple of years it had gotten to the point where it would take me several months to finish one little book. Most recently I finished When Washington was in Vogue over a period of two years. Two Years! That's just stupid.

I have a folder I started about 6 years ago with magazine clippings full of books I wanted to read. That doesn't even include all the books on my half.com list and the books in my library list. So, somewhere around January I realized I needed to get to work on all these books.

Reading makes me feel better, as evidenced by the fact that I've spent two days procrastinating by reading an insane amount of blogs. But, reading books in particular makes me feel really good. Smarter, even. I like being able to say "I'm reading The Joy Diet right now" instead of saying "I just finished the April issues of Lucky, Glamour, Essence and InStyle UK in one day!". Relaying magazine reading habits seems less...intellectual. You know?

To keep myself on point I've added a book shelf on the right side of my page, near the bottom. This little visual is already helping me track my accomplishments. Look at it! I've finished all those books just this year!

What are you reading now?

Weekend Report

Saturday, past about 9 am? Felt like I'd swallowed one of these.

Today is Tuesday. After a boring day at work that went by blissfully fast (I was in an area where I couldn't see the clock. That actually helped a lot.) I got called off for today, which means I'm currently at home.

So far I've done 4 loads of laundry and gone through over 500 neglected emails. Not bad for 4 hours of awakeness and doing-stuff.

I hope everyone had a good Easter. Mine was ok. HUBS and I took my mom out to his parents place for the annual Easter dinner. Mom had never been out there before because of taking care of my grandmother. I was a bit surprised she agreed to go and didn't back out. When I talked to her that morning, she sounded quite down. This is the first holiday without my grandmother and it's been almost a year to the day since my uncle died. She didn't say it, but I know that stuff was weighing on her.

Everything went fine, but my day was only ok for two reasons. First, I was a bit afraid to eat. Why? Because on Saturday, after taking almost the whole week off "sick", I really did get sick. Big sick. Doing-scary-things-in-the-bathroom-that-no-one-wants-to-think-about sick. I was trapped in there for about an hour. Unfortunately, the thing that seemed to irritate my stomach this time involved jalapenos. Just so you know, spicy in = 1,000 times spicier coming out. It took a full day for my throat to stop burning.

The second reason I wasn't that great was because I knew I'd have to go back to work Monday. I actually almost started crying during the car ride home.

Really? I'm going to try to stop complaining about my job in this space now. I've just realized I'm tired of it. That probably means you're getting tired of it, too. Of course, if anything completely outlandish happens you can totally expect me to tell you about it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a completely different note, HUBS and I went to see Clash of the Titans Saturday after I recovered for a few hours. I found it exciting and enjoyable. We also walked around the mall a bit, which wore me out a lot more than I was expecting. We managed to finally get HUBS a new pair of glasses, something that's been on our list since January. Rectangularish, gray frames will be a new look for him. I'll submit a photo when he's all glassed up.